Love/Hate (1/3)
Author: ericasaur
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon (A bit of Peterick)
POV: 3rd, Ryan-centric
Summary: Highschool AU. “I think I could fall in love with you, Ryan Ross.”
Disclaimer: Fiction.
Word Count: ~14,000
Beta: were_so_starvin
A/N: I wrote this for my friend, Viviana, and it turned out to be wayy longer than I thought. So I'm having to post it in parts. Anyway, hope you like it! (: Also idk why the words are all really close together ugh it's bothering me.
The thing about Ryan is that he’s actually pretty content in the fact that he’ll never be noticed. Sure, he went through the whole, ‘maybe if I act like them, they’ll like me’ stage his freshman year, but after a miserable year with people he couldn’t stand, people that didn’t even really care about him, he’d decided that he didn’t care for popularity so much after all. His sophomore year, he met his best friend, Spencer, and they both joined the marching band as drummers. Yeah, Ryan knew that joining the band probably wasn’t the best way to get people to like him, but by then he didn’t really care. He’d found Spencer, and one true friend is better than a hundred fake friends any day.
So, Ryan spent his sophomore year being mostly a loner at school. And it’s not even that people picked on him. It was more like nobody even knew he existed. He always thought that he’d rather be picked on. At least then people would acknowledge him. He even came out at school, expecting people to call him names, but nobody noticed. He didn’t want popularity; he just didn’t want to be invisible. So that’s what led Ryan to where he is today, at band practice on Halloween, halfway through his senior year. He’s exhausted; they’ve been practicing for three straight hours for the football game tonight, and they’re doing a special Halloween show that they just learned the routine to a week ago. Honestly, Ryan doesn’t see why the game is so important. He’s never understood all the fuss. It’s a bunch of guys throwing a ball across a field. Ryan is not impressed.
Finally, finally their drum major, Patrick, announces that they’re finished, and that they need to be back here in exactly three hours for the game.
“Thank God,” Pete, a saxophone player says. Patrick walks by and rolls his eyes at him, and Pete runs to catch up with him. “Thanks to someone, we’re all probably going to die of dehydration,” he says pointedly in Patrick’s general direction.
“Worth it,” Patrick shrugs. Ryan can hear them bickering back and forth as they walk farther away from him toward the band room.
“Why don’t they just go and get married already?” Spencer appears beside Ryan, shaking his head fondly at the image of Pete waving his hands around wildly while he whines at Patrick.
“It’s so obvious,” Ryan agrees.
“Hey, d’you wanna go get some food?” Spencer asks as they make their way toward the band room to put away their instruments.
“No, I’m really tired. I think I’m just gonna go home and do my homework so I can get it out of the way,” Ryan declines.
“Oh, okay. Want a ride home, then?” Spencer asks even though it’s a pointless question. He always gives Ryan a ride home.
“Yeah,” Ryan half-smiles. He’s completely content with his life right now. He is, really.
* * *
Ryan waves at Spencer from the front door of his house before he goes in and heads straight to his room. He doesn’t bother to see if his parents are home; he knows they aren’t. All they do is work. But that’s fine. Ryan likes being alone anyway.
He begrudgingly gets out his homework and flops down into his desk chair, dreading all of the math problems he has. If it weren’t for the fact that he needs to keep his grades up if he ever wants to get a scholarship and get out of here, he wouldn’t even bother.
He turns on his stereo and starts humming along with the music as he works. This is pretty much his regular Friday night routine. It’s not like he has anything else to do. Sometimes he’ll go home with Spencer after the football games, but usually he just comes home and watches movies, curled up on the couch, alone.
He really just can’t wait to go to college.
Once he’s finished his homework, he texts Spencer to make sure he’s picking him up for the game, and then he grabs the current book he’s reading - To Kill A Mockingbird, for the tenth time - and he lies down on his bed, blocking everything else out for a few hours.
* * *
“God, why is it so cold? It’s only the end of October,” Ryan whines to Spencer where they’re seated in the band section on the bleachers, watching the game and playing the appropriate music whenever someone gets a touchdown.
“Yeah, and we’re in Nevada,” Spencer agrees, huddling closer to Ryan. Ryan loves being in the band, but he hates having to sit through these games.
The weird thing is that the marching band is actually kind of cool at their school. They aren’t classified as ‘band geeks’ or anything of the sort. They’re the best band of any school in their district, and their school takes pride in that. So again, Ryan still isn’t sure why nobody seems to notice him. Even though he’s made peace with it, that doesn’t mean he can’t still wonder what it would be like to have friends. To have the high school experience that he wishes he could have.
He’s snapped out of his little reverie when the crowd jumps up and starts cheering madly. Ryan looks down to the field to see that their team has the ball, and one of the guys is running toward the opposite team’s end zone, about to get a touchdown. Ryan doesn’t even have to look at the guy’s number; he knows it’s Brendon Urie.
Brendon Urie is quite possibly the most popular person in their school. Oh, Ryan’s definitely noticed him. He’s noticed him since they were freshmen and Brendon was the new kid. Ryan always thought he’d be one of the nice ones. He’s the best player on the football team; get’s all the touchdowns. He’s tiny though, which is probably why he can run so fast. You can tell that he’s an asshole. You can just look at him, with his little tight-knit group of asshole friends, running around doing asshole things, and tell that he is, in fact, an asshole.
Ryan hates him.
So when everyone in the stands starts chanting his number and cheering when he makes the touchdown, Ryan kind of wishes that he was anywhere else. It isn’t fair that Brendon gets everything he wants. Everyone loves him, the teachers favor him, the girls fawn over him, and Ryan only gets one friend.
It’s finally halftime, and the band rises out of their seats to go get changed while the other team’s band makes their way onto the field. Ryan hates the Halloween games, because the band teacher forces them to wear costumes during their performance. Costumes. This year Ryan is dressing as Link from Zelda, complete with the little hat and the boots and the plastic sword and everything. If he has to dress up he’s going to make sure he looks awesome. Spencer is dressed as a fucking banana, the idiot. Ryan can’t help but laugh when he sees him. They bought their costumes together, but the costume is so much funnier on Spencer than it was in the store.
“I know, I look amazing,” Spencer does a little turn, making Ryan laugh harder. “Oh, dude,” he says, taking in Ryan’s appearance, “Your costume actually does look kinda cool.”
“Told you,” Ryan smirks.
By the time everyone is dressed and ready, the other band is finished, so they start making their way out of the locker room. It’s right next to the one that the football guys use at halftime, so when they walk out, there are a few of them leaning against the wall, drinking Gatorade and doing whatever it is that football guys do.
Ryan’s walking past when someone yells at him.
“Hey, Link!” Ryan scrunches his nose and turns around to see none other than Brendon Urie looking at him. Ryan raises his eyebrows, and Brendon smiles. “Nice costume,” he says, and Ryan can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not. Then he wonders how Brendon Urie even knows who Link is. Football guys aren’t exactly the type to play Zelda.
“Thanks,” Ryan sighs as he turns around and keeps walking, deciding to just ignore that whole occurrence. Spencer looks just as confused as Ryan feels, and Ryan just shrugs as he makes his way onto the field.
* * *
The halftime show went well. It went fantastic, actually. Patrick walked off the field beaming, Pete right on his tail. Spencer pushes his bangs out of his eyes and grins at Ryan.
“We’re so awesome. Look, they love us,” he nods to the crowd, who is indeed cheering for them.
“Yeah,” Ryan agrees, smiling only a little. The football players are lined up along the fence, waiting for the band to walk off the field before they go back out. A hand sticks out and knocks Ryan’s shoulder when he’s making his way along, and he turns to see him again.
“You guys did awesome,” Brendon smiles, and Ryan just stares at him. Spencer nudges Ryan’s shoulder.
“Uh, thanks,” he replies awkwardly, again not knowing if Brendon is being genuine. Ryan gives him a weird look before heading back to the locker room to change again.
When they’re seated on the bleachers again, Spencer turns to Ryan.
“I didn’t know you knew Brendon,” he tilts his head to the side.
“I don’t,” Ryan frowns. “That’s the first time he’s ever spoken to me.”
“Huh,” Spencer hums, looking confused.
“I think he was making fun of me,” Ryan admits, shrugging.
“He looked like he was being nice,” Spencer offers.
“Yeah, but he probably just laughed with all his friends as soon as I walked off. Like I care anyway, I hate that guy,” Ryan scowls. Spencer gives him a sympathetic smile and goes back to watching the game.
The rest of the game passes by quickly. Their team won, of course. They murdered the other team. 52-7. Spencer is chattering away to Ryan while they walk toward the parking lot to Spencer’s car.
“And then I told her that she was insane and that was completely un-sexy, because really, who the fuck would dip body parts into chocolate anyway?” he rambles.
“Yeah that’s really interesting, could you unlock the door so I don’t freeze to death?” Ryan asks.
“You weren’t even listening to me,” Spencer rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “Coming to my house?”
“Nah, think I’ll stay home tonight,” Ryan turns down the offer. Spencer nods and gets in the car and unlocks Ryan’s door.
“Later, Link!” Ryan hears called from behind him. He turns and sees Brendon unlocking the door to a nice-looking car, waving at Ryan. Ryan just nods confusedly and hops into Spencer’s car, shaking his head in disbelief. It’s like someone turned off the switch that makes Ryan unknown to the world.
Ryan really fucking hates Brendon Urie.
* * *
It’s Monday, and Ryan is walking to school. His weekend went by the same as it always does. Books and movies. It was a nice weekend. He always walks to school in the mornings because it relaxes him. Now though, he wishes he would’ve taken Spencer up on his offer to drive him to school, because it’s cold. Ryan bundled up in a coat, boots, and scarves today.
He walks into the school gates to see that there’s hardly anybody there. He’s really confused for a minute because it’s almost time for the bell to ring, but then he remembers that the senior and junior classes had planned on skipping today as celebration for their win on Friday, because that put the football team in the championship or some shit.
He sighs and walks into the school, relishing as a wave of heat instantly hits him. He walks down the hall to his locker and he frowns when he sees that Spencer isn’t there like usual.
Sometime during homeroom he gets a text from Spencer informing him that he decided to skip today as well. Ryan dreads having to eat lunch alone. He texts back, ‘thanks, asshole’ and sulks from then on.
There is hardly anyone there all day, and in his fourth period, he is literally the only student. The teacher gives him a sympathetic look like maybe he didn’t get the memo that everyone was skipping, and he did, he just maybe forgot, and plus he didn’t want to miss school for no reason.
By lunch time, Ryan is officially in a bad mood. He just wants to go home and sleep forever. He buys some fries and a bottle of water and goes to sit at his usual table outside. There are a few people there at various tables, but it’s almost empty. Apparently, the whole damn school decided not to come today.
As he’s stabbing a fry with his fork viciously, someone sits in front of him. He’s confused because nobody sits here ever except for Spencer and himself. He looks up to see none other than fucking Brendon Urie. Ryan inwardly sighs, readying his face with a scowl.
“Hi,” Brendon chirps. Ryan stares at him wide-eyed.
“What are you doing?” he asks disbelievingly.
“Eating, duh,” Brendon laughs, taking a bite of what looks like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“No, I mean why are you sitting here?” Ryan asks, not exactly hiding his displeasure.
“None of my friends are here,” he shrugs.
“And?” Ryan says pointedly.
“And,” Brendon draws the word out, “I noticed that you were sitting by yourself.”
“So?”
“So, I thought I would sit with you,” Brendon says, looking amused.
“But,” Ryan starts. He really doesn’t know what to say.
“What?” Brendon tilts his head, and Ryan notices how pretty his eyes are, and then immediately pushes that thought out of his brain forever.
“We aren’t friends,” Ryan says dumbly.
“Your point?” Brendon pushes, taking another bite of his sandwich.
“Do you even know my name?” Ryan asks dubiously.
“Sure I do, your name’s Link,” Brendon smiles. Ryan is not amused. Brendon laughs and rolls his eyes. “Okay, no I don’t, but-”
“Of course you don’t,” Ryan mumbles.
“So what is your name then?” he asks. Ryan contemplates getting up and walking away. He doesn’t understand why Brendon suddenly decided to notice him.
“Ryan,” he gives in.
“Ryan…?”
“Ross.”
“Well, Ryan Ross, I am Brendon Urie,” he says proudly. Ryan laughs without humor.
“Like I didn’t already know that,” Ryan mutters. Brendon appears not to have heard him.
“So, Ryan. How come I’ve never seen you around much?” Ryan wants to punch him, right there.
“I don’t know, are you blind?” Ryan snaps.
“Chill,” Brendon raises his hands in a surrender. “I just never noticed you is all.”
“Yeah,” Ryan whispers roughly before abruptly getting up and throwing his barely eaten food away.
“Hey, where are you going?” Brendon jumps up and follows him.
“Leave me alone,” Ryan says.
“Did I do something to make you hate me?” Brendon asks incredulously, and Ryan whips around to face him.
“No, I’m just wondering why you’re suddenly so interested in being my friend, or whatever the hell it is you want. Why?” Ryan demands.
“I just. I just saw you at the game, and I liked your costume,” Brendon shrugs. “Look, I’ve seen you around today, and I noticed that you’re always alone. I just thought maybe you wanted a friend.”
“I have a friend,” Ryan says through gritted teeth.
“What is your problem?” Brendon asks, looking thoroughly confused and a little offended. Ryan huffs out a laugh and shakes his head.
“You’re an asshole,” Ryan says shortly before turning around and walking off. Brendon doesn’t follow him this time.
Ryan doesn’t see him for the rest of the day, and when it’s time for his last class, the one that he shares with Brendon, he skips it.
* * *
The next day, Ryan really considers not going to school. He’s still in a bad mood and he doesn’t feel well. He’s goes anyway though, for the sake of his grades.
He bundles up again and starts his walk to school. His day gets ruined before it’s even started. About five minutes into his walk, he hears a familiar voice.
“Ryan!”
He turns around to see, of course, Brendon fucking Urie. “What do you want?” he demands.
“I didn’t know you lived around here,” Brendon muses, ignoring Ryan’s question.
“Why are you walking?” Ryan tries.
“Car wouldn’t start,” Brendon pouts. Ryan doesn’t smile.
“Go away,” Ryan mumbles, starting to walk again, a familiar scowl on his face.
“Would you please tell me what it is that I’ve done to make you hate me so much?” Brendon asks, sounding frustrated.
“I already told you, you’re an asshole,” Ryan replies casually.
“You don’t even know me!” he defends.
“Oh, I know you,” Ryan stops walking to face Brendon. “You’re Mr. Popular, right? Everyone loves you, and you get whatever you want. You go around with your little jock friends and act like you’re the best damn thing in the world. You didn’t even know I existed until now.”
Brendon has an unreadable look on his face. “You shouldn’t judge people,” he says quietly. “I’m nothing like that.”
“Yeah, sure you aren’t,” Ryan snorts. Brendon looks kind of hurt, and then Ryan maybe feels a little guilty. He’s usually not such an asshole, but he is totally justified in being one to Brendon.
“I’m just trying to be friends with you,” Brendon says, anger in his voice.
“I don’t want to be your friend,” Ryan says bluntly, and he means it. Believe him, he tried to be Brendon’s friend. His freshman, sophomore, and junior years, he tried so hard. Even after he gave up on trying to impress the rest of them, he still tried with Brendon. He thought Brendon was the coolest person ever. He even kind of looked up to him. But Brendon never paid any attention to him, and that’s maybe the real reason that Ryan hates him so much.
“What did I ever do to you?” Brendon exasperates, and Ryan can’t hold it in anymore.
“You ignored me for three years!” he yells. Brendon looks taken aback.
“What?” he asks, confused and eyes wide.
“You seriously don’t even remember, do you?” Ryan says bitterly, shaking his head, and Brendon just stares.
“Remember what?” His face scrunches up as he gets more and more confused.
“Our first year of high school, when you moved here, we got paired to do an assignment in class. We didn’t talk much, but you were nice to me. You were the first person that was actually nice to me and I wanted to be your friend. But not long after that, you got popular. I tried talking to you all the time. Every time, you’d just run off with your friends. For three years I tried to get your attention but you wouldn’t even fucking give me the time of day! And after all that you still didn’t even know my name. So excuse me if I don’t want to be friends with someone who suddenly decides to notice me because he took a break from his perfect little fucking world,” Ryan finishes loudly, feeling his cheeks get hot from anger.
Brendon stares at him, shocked. “I. Ryan, I’m sorry,” he says helplessly. “It’s not like it was intentional…I just. I never noticed-”
“We have a fucking class together, Brendon! But of course you didn’t. Why would you notice me? Nobody else does,” Ryan says weakly, his voice cracking.
“I’m sorry,” Brendon says again helplessly.
“Whatever. It was a long time ago. I don’t even care anymore.”
“Look, I know you think I’m this huge egotistical ass, but I’m not,” Brendon says, his eyes honest. Ryan studies him for a minute.
“We’re going to be late,” he says, continuing to walk. They don’t talk for the rest of the walk, Brendon trailing behind Ryan. As soon as they get to school, Ryan runs off to homeroom.
He doesn’t exactly know how he feels about Brendon wanting to be friends with him. And the whole four or five times he’s talked to him, he actually did seem kind of nice. Ryan keeps waiting for him to act like the jerk Ryan thought he was, but he hasn’t yet.
Spencer asks him what’s wrong in homeroom, but Ryan says he’s fine. And he is. He’s totally fine.
By lunch time, Ryan’s forgotten about the whole thing. Spencer and Zoey, a girl in the band with them who came over to chat with Spencer, joke around and make him laugh, and he’s feeling a lot better. Spencer looks confused suddenly and Ryan’s about to ask what’s wrong when he brings his gaze to where Spencer’s looking. Ryan sighs. He’s been doing that a lot lately.
“Hi,” Brendon says cautiously. Ryan just stares at him. “Can I sit here?”
“Why?” Ryan asks a little too harshly.
“Because I want to,” he says simply. Ryan’s a bit conflicted.
“Don’t you have friends to sit with?” Ryan says only a little bitterly. Brendon sits down in front of Ryan without permission and puts his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on the table and looking up at Ryan with big eyes. For a fleeting, insane second, Ryan thinks about how cute it makes him look.
“They don’t own me, I can do whatever I want,” Brendon says, smiling slightly.
“Whatever,” Ryan mumbles. Spencer and Zoey are obviously confused as to why Brendon is sitting with them and why he’s talking to Ryan, but they go on chatting anyway, with Brendon adding his thoughts into the conversation every now and then. Ryan hasn’t said anything else though; he’s just staring down at his food, picking at it.
“Ryan,” Brendon says quietly. Ryan looks up at him, and Brendon looks apologetic. “I’m really sorry, okay? Can we just be friends?” Ryan really, really wants to tell him to fuck off, but he just can’t. He looks so sincere.
“Whatever,” Ryan sighs deeply. Brendon breaks out into a smile, and Ryan tells himself that he does not smile back at all.
* * *
Suddenly, Brendon’s everywhere. He follows Ryan around for the rest of the day, showing up by his locker in between classes, (and just how did he know where Ryan’s locker is?) sitting by him in the class they share - now that he’s actually noticed Ryan’s in there - and pretty much acting like they’re best friends. Ryan doesn’t really know what to think. He figures Brendon just feels bad about ignoring Ryan all those years, and now he’s trying to make up for it. Ryan still thinks Brendon’s an asshole.
Ryan and Spencer are walking home because Spencer’s car broke down. They live a few streets away from each other, and they’re not far away when Ryan hears his name called.
“Ryan!” Ryan spins around to see Brendon running over to them, smiling. “Hey!” he says when he’s close enough. Spencer looks like he doesn’t know what’s going on, and Ryan has to remember to explain it to him some time.
“Um. Hi,” Ryan says awkwardly. He’s still unsure of this whole thing.
“Hi, I don’t think we’ve ever really properly met,” Brendon says to Spencer. “It’s Spencer, right?”
“Yeah, hi…” Spencer says, glancing at Ryan who looks away innocently.
“So what are you guys up to?”
“We were just going home,” Spencer says, scratching his head.
“Oh, I guess I must live close to you guys. I live on the next street over there,” he says, pointing to the street that Ryan lives on. Ryan’s a little surprised. How the hell did he not know that Brendon lived on the same street as him?
“Oh, that’s Ryan’s street,” Spencer says, seemingly just as surprised as Ryan. Brendon breaks out into a smile, looking over at Ryan.
“I can’t believe we’ve lived on the same street for so long and never figured it out,” Brendon laughs.
“Uh, yeah. Weird,” Ryan mumbles.
“So, are you busy? I thought maybe we could hang out,” Brendon shrugs, still smiling. Ryan scrunches his eyebrows and crosses his arms defensively.
“Um, I don’t know,” he replies. He knows he’s being an asshole, but he can’t help it. He can’t just spend two and a half years hating Brendon and then like him overnight, let alone want to hang out with him. Brendon’s smile falters a bit, and he looks down at the ground.
“Oh. Alright, well I guess I’ll just see you at school then,” Brendon says, walking past them and giving a little half wave.
“Dude, why are you being such a dick?” Spencer whispers harshly to Ryan. Ryan turns his defensive posture toward Spencer, a frown set firmly on his face.
“I told you, I hate him.”
“But he’s nice. And did you not just say that you two could be friends at lunch today? By the way, what was that all about?” Spencer wonders. Ryan rolls his eyes at Spencer’s nonexistent attention span.
“He’s not nice, he’s an asshole. This whole nice thing is all an act. And I only agreed to that so he’d shut up. He talked to me yesterday when everyone was gone and ever since then he’s been trying to be my friend,” Ryan explains, deciding to leave out the important parts that don’t happen to be any of Spencer’s business.
“Whatever, dude. Brendon Urie wants to be your friend, and you’re complaining? Everyone wants to be his friend,” Spencer reminds him.
“And that’s exactly why I don’t,” Ryan exasperates. “He’s overrated. He’s conceited. He’s so fucking fake it kills me.”
“How do you know?” Spencer demands, also crossing his arms.
“I can just tell,” Ryan huffs. Spencer rolls his eyes and continues walking, muttering about Ryan being a stupid prick under his breath. Ryan follows him, looking ahead to see Brendon rounding the corner onto their street, shoulders slumped and kicking his feet on the pavement. Ryan doesn’t feel bad at all.
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