Something Worth Living For - Chapter 9
masterpost
Chapter Nine
Everything is a bit strange now.
It’s been two days since I took Ryan home with me, and now the weekend is over and it’s time for school again. And the reason it’s strange is because there are no more secrets now. No mystery, no more trying to figure him out. It’s all out in the open now, and that’s different after spending so much time trying to decipher the odd behavior and puzzling questions.
I finally convinced Ryan to go to the police. I don’t know what finally changed his mind, but he agreed that if I went with him he’d go. And honestly, I’ve never been more relieved in my entire life. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and that scares me, but I do know that whatever it is, it has to be better than everything his parents have put him through.
I’m lying in bed, chewing on my lip in thought and just about to get up for school, when I hear my door open quietly. Jayda tip-toes across my room in her pajama pants and a t-shirt that I’m pretty sure is actually Spencer’s. “Hey,” she says in a hushed voice, noticing that Ryan is still sleeping soundly beside me. I glance at him, easing myself off the bed and walking over to sit on the couch with Jayda. “How’s he doing?” she asks hopefully. Ryan wasn’t doing well at all at first, barely saying a word and doing nothing but sleeping. But he’s getting better.
“Good,” I reply with a sigh. “Well, good compared to how he was at first,” I correct. Jayda nods, looking over at Ryan’s sleeping form with sadness in her eyes. She pulls her legs up onto the couch and curls them underneath her.
“I was thinking maybe we should just skip school today. Mom won’t be home until Wednesday and you know we could all use a day off. I’ll call Spence and we can all just hang out,” she suggests, wide eyes imploring me to agree with her. Usually I’d argue, say that I don’t really feel like making bad grades and that we should go. But today is different, and she’s right. We could all use a day off.
“Okay,” I agree easily, lifting one shoulder slightly. “I’ll just let Ryan sleep then,” I say, getting up and switching off the alarm clock before heading out of the room and nodding for Jayda to follow me. “So,” I start once we’re in the kitchen, Jayda getting two coffee mugs from the cupboard. I smile a little, knowing what she’s doing. When we were in middle school we’d skip all the time when our mother was away, just stay home and hang out all day. And every time, we’d get up and make hot chocolate and go watch cartoons right when we woke up. “Ryan said he’ll go to the police,” I tell her, watching as she fills the kettle with water and places it on the stove.
“Really?” She stops for a moment, looking at me eagerly. “That’s good. That’s really good,” she sighs in relief.
“Yeah, we’re going to go tomorrow.”
“I’m sure everything will turn out okay, Bren,” she smiles kindly, obviously sensing that I’m worrying about the whole situation. I smile back, hoping more than anything that she’s right.
Once our hot chocolate is done we settle into the couch in the living room, Jayda flipping through the channels until she lands on SpongeBob.
“What do you think is gonna happen, then?” she asks tentatively, glancing at me across the couch. She’s trying not to let me see the worry in her eyes but that’s something she’s never been good at hiding from me. “After you go to the police, I mean,” she elaborates. She blows softly on her steaming drink, bringing it to her mouth and taking a small sip. “Ryan’s still seventeen…” she trails off, her eyes dropping down and her eyebrows creasing.
This is the one thing that refuses to leave my mind. The only thing I’ve been consistently worrying about for days now. What if they don’t let Ryan stay with me? He’s still underage, and he’s obviously not going to be able to stay at his home by himself.
I don’t know what I’ll do if they take him away from me.
“I think… I think we’ll just have to deal with that when we get to it,” I finally sigh, sipping my own hot chocolate. Why can’t things just be simple, and good for once? There’s always something getting in the way of happiness. I look back at Jayda, but she isn’t looking at me or even really paying attention anymore. Her eyes are trained on that burn spot on the wooden floor that we accidentally created when we were twelve and liked to play with lighters. She looks far away, mind in another world, but that crease is still on her forehead.
“Something’s wrong with me,” she murmurs softly, her face never twisting out of that look of utter confusion. I frown, slowly cocking my head at her and making an inquisitive noise for her to continue. She sighs, trails her gaze up to me and in the most pathetic, tiny voice, she utters, “I want to kiss Spencer.”
My eyebrows shoot up, and I nearly choke on the hot liquid trailing down my throat. “Um,” I say a bit hysterically, eyes comically wide, I’m sure. Her face contorts into panic and she sets her mug down on the coffee table, sitting on her knees and facing me.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” she cries, her face looking so incredibly worrisome that it makes the whole situation even funnier. “Every time I see him I just want to- to- I just wanna push him against a wall and kiss him and run my hands through his stupid hair and-” she stops upon my noise of utter disgust because ew, that’s my sister and my best friend, I don’t need those visuals. She sighs, exasperated and looking like she’s having a major existential crisis. “Help,” she whimpers, huge eyes looking close to watering. I stare at her for exactly three seconds before bursting into completely uncharacteristic laughter.
“Oh my god!” I exclaim, bending over and hastily placing my own mug aside so it doesn’t spill with the shaking of my entire body. “Jay!” I laugh, wiping a tear that managed to escape, looking up at her through my lashes. “You like him you idiot.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth I’m reminded of our conversation only a few weeks prior, when I was freaking out about Ryan.
“Jay, I’ve never had this feeling before in my life. Sometimes that fluttery feeling gets so bad I think I’m going to throw up, and then I can’t breathe and I don’t know what to say around him and-”
“Whoa, easy. Take a breath,” she grinned. “I can’t believe it took you this long to realize you like him, you idiot.”
Not so smug now, is she?
“But,” she stops, looking at me and clearly not knowing what’s right in the world anymore. “But he’s Spencer,” she wails, “Spencer who chews his stupid gum and eats like a cow and snores in his sleep. Spencer who we’ve known practically forever, and who’s been having sleepovers with us-”
“You. Sleepovers with you,” I interject with raised eyebrows. I never participated in the sleepovers; I always went and slept in my own room at the end of the night.
“-since we were kids,” she continues on, “And Spencer who always helps me choose what to wear on the first day of school, and who buys me skittles and picks out the green ones because he knows I hate those, and- and who stayed up with me that one night telling me how pretty I was when Tommy broke up with me in the sixth grade and I thought it was because I was ugly,” she lists, her voice now down to barely a whimper and a little smile trying to ease its way onto her lips. My own expression softens at that last one - I never knew that.
“Jay,” I say gently, smiling in what I hope is a comforting way. “So you like Spencer, it’s not the end of the world,” I tease, nudging her ankle.
“God, I texted him earlier and he’s going to be here in like,” she pauses, looking at the time on her phone, “like ten minutes!” she nearly wheezes, and I’m afraid she’s going to convulse or something. “What do I do?” she asks frantically.
“Kiss him… ?” I suggest weakly, shrugging. “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he’s totally in love with you too,” I grin. I understand now why Ryan was always so adamant about the two of them being into each other. He saw what I never did, and looking back on the interaction between Spencer and my sister - it makes complete sense.
“But I have a boyfriend!” she insists.
“A boyfriend that’s a total dick,” I say in a tone implying that it should be obvious what she needs to do. “I don’t even know why you’re still with that asshole anyway. Just dump him.”
She opens her mouth to protest, I’m sure, but a sleepy, scratchy voice interrupts and makes my head shoot straight toward the hallway.
“I second that,” Ryan yawns around his words, stretching his long arms languidly above his head and drawing my eyes to the bottom of his lean torso where a strip of pale skin is exposed from his shirt riding up. He blushes furiously when he catches me staring, biting on his bottom lip shyly and ambling over toward me. He goes to take a seat between Jayda and me, but I quickly grab him from behind and drag him down onto my lap. He squeaks a little - squeaks, god he’s adorable - and chuckles before settling down on my thighs, his weight barely noticeable to me.
“Good morning,” I smile into the back of his neck, placing a small kiss there. I can feel the heat creep down his neck, the skin underneath my mouth warming up.
“Um, hello, I’m having a crisis here?” Jayda waves her arm to get my attention again.
“What’s going on?” Ryan asks curiously, looking between the two of us.
“Oh, remember that whole Jayda/Spencer thing you kept going on about? You were right,” I grin, giggling when Jayda glares at me.
“I knew it!” Ryan laughs, grinning at Jayda himself.
“Anyway,” Jayda huffs, “What do I do, guys?” She looks between us helplessly, a lost puppy.
“Like I said, just kiss him and see what happens.”
“That’s like the worst possible thing to do and it’ll never turn out well,” she scoffs, crossing her arms. I raise my eyebrows, snaking my arms around Ryan’s waist and hooking my chin over his shoulder to look at my sister smugly.
“Um, that’s what I did,” I smirk, leaning up to kiss under Ryan’s jaw for emphasis. His mouth twitches a little, that ridiculous blush creeping up again and making him look like a beautiful porcelain doll. She blinks, realization striking.
“Huh,” she muses, her head leaning to the side a little as she observes us. She jumps as our apartment buzzer goes off, her content expression replaced with panic once again. “Get out!” she shrieks at us, shooing us with her hands as she runs over to buzz Spencer in.
Ryan and I jump up with a giggle, and I take his hand and lead him back to my room while Jayda promptly freaks out for the whole complex to hear. The door shuts behind us and I’m about to turn to Ryan and laugh about my sister’s hysterics when I’m suddenly pushed against the door and a warm mouth is on mine.
Ryan hums softly, pushing his tongue past my lips and invading my mouth with his sweet taste. And this - this has never happened; this frantic, passionate, spontaneous kissing. Even more baffling to me is that Ryan initiated it. My surprise is quickly replaced by pleasure as he lulls me into a deep sense of relaxation, his quirky, languid way of kissing settling itself in me and making my stomach flutter in a way it never has before. It’s so different than what I’m used to. It’s not fast and meaningless and purely done for predisposed purposes - it’s sweet and deep and soft and loving, coiling in the pit of my stomach and making me moan before I even know what’s happening.
“Ryan, jesus christ,” I whimper, my lips barely moving away from his enough to talk. He looks worried instantly, like maybe he thinks he’s done something wrong, but I quickly put his worries to rest and thread my fingers through his silky, loose curls (my favorite thing is when he doesn’t straighten his hair) and bring his mouth back to mine again. God, he’s gotten so good at this in only a matter of days. He’s either got to be a naturally amazing kisser or an extremely fast learner. I hum against his mouth, an almost needy sound, and pull him backwards to my bed by the collar of his shirt.
He crawls over me, completely taking me by surprise again when he practically rips off my shirt and throws it to the ground. I can nearly feel my gaze darken, my pants getting impossibly tighter to the point of it being painful. Seeing someone who has been nothing but shy and timid and adorable completely take control of me like this - it’s fucking hot.
He brings his mouth to my neck, sucking on it in a deliciously arousing way that has me stuttering for breath, and I slide my hands up his back underneath his shirt, feeling the hot skin under my fingertips. Ryan lets out a soft sound, a little breathy moan, and brings his mouth to my ear. “Brendon, please, I- I need. I want, I-”
“What do you want, Ryan?” I interrupt, my own voice low and unintentionally sultry. My hands slide down, slipping into the back of his pants and he moans louder, nipping at the skin below my ear. “Tell me what you want,” I whisper, moving my hands down further underneath his boxers to grip the soft flesh there.
“I want you to- to,” he stutters, trying to stay coherent enough through his small moans when I bring my mouth to his pale, exposed neck, sucking purple marks into the flawless skin. “God, Brendon, I want you to make love to me,” he moans into my ear almost shyly, biting his lip like he’s embarrassed at the confession. I freeze, my heart stuttering pathetically in my chest while I try to figure out if he actually just said what I think he did.
I pull back to meet his shy eyes, bringing my hands out of his pants and up his back again, a comforting gesture. “What?” I barely breathe out, my mind bursting with about a million different feelings that I don’t understand because this incredible, loving, beautiful boy just asked me to take the most valuable thing he has.
I mean, this is Ryan. The fidgety, adorable, clueless boy that didn’t even know what a blowjob was. He can’t possibly understand to the full extent what he’s asking me to do - what he’s offering to give me.
“Ryan… I don’t think you really want that,” I say slowly as he blinks his wide eyes at me. He frowns, about to protest so I quickly continue. “That- that’s a huge thing. You can’t possibly understand-”
“Don’t patronize me,” he creases his eyebrows, looking at me reproachfully. I blink, taken aback by how mature he sounds and it hits me that I sometimes forget how smart he actually is, not to mention he’s older than me. “I know what I’m asking. I may not know exactly how it works…” he trails off, averting his eyes as a soft pink appears on his cheeks. “But I know that it’s a big deal. And I also know that I love you and if there’s someone I trust to take my virginity it’s you,” he says weakly, but his expression is anything but. His eyes are determined and sure. I swallow thickly at his confession, feeling kind of stupid for treating him like a child and also feeling incredibly loved.
“Are you- are you sure?” I whisper, feeling like I’m actually more nervous than he is.
“Brendon,” he bites his lip, leaning down to place open-mouthed kisses on my neck again. He swings his leg across me so that his thighs are bracketing my hips, essentially straddling me, and he runs his hands up my bare chest. “Please,” he nips at my neck hotly. “Please make love to me. I need you.”
My heart swells at the request, and I can’t think about anything but how he worded it. He didn’t ask me to fuck him, didn’t ask me to have sex with him. He asked me to make love to him.
And because of that I have a hard time choking back tears. Here is this sweet, fragile little thing peppering me with loving kisses and stroking the side of my jaw with his fingers, every single action exuding love - and what am I waiting for again?
“O-okay,” I tentatively agree, smiling when I see how happy he looks. He brings his mouth to mine, curling his tongue in again and instantly erasing every negative thought from my mind. He parts with one last lingering kiss, rubbing his nose against mine and smiling softly.
“What do I need to do?” he asks, bringing his teeth to his lip again. And his utter innocence really shouldn’t turn me on so much, but god, it does. I stretch over to reach into the drawer beside my bed, praying that I have a condom, just one. I sigh in relief when I find the little box, grabbing one from it and also some of that massage oil that I used on Ryan weeks ago, a small blush coloring my cheeks when I remember how I told him it wasn’t for this. So it’s technically also lube, I lied, sue me.
I lose my breath a little when I see that Ryan stripped off his clothes while I was rummaging through my drawer, leaving him completely naked and blushing harder than I’ve ever seen him, cheeks flaming. It’s completely endearing.
“Just stay just like this, yeah?” I choke out, leaving him straddling my thighs but pulling his legs a little wider apart. He’s already incredibly hard, his cock - which is bigger than I had thought, fuck - flushed and straining. My teeth leave imprints in my lip as I struggle to get my pajama pants off, Ryan raising his eyebrows when he sees I wasn’t wearing any underwear.
I grin, pulling him down for another kiss. Gasps leave our mouths simultaneously when our cocks brush together as he leans down, connecting our mouths again. God, it’s been too long since another person has touched me. This probably won’t last long.
I reach blindly for the massage oil while he kisses me in a way that can only be described as tender. I pour some of the liquid onto my fingers and throw it aside, murmuring, “This will feel weird, don’t freak out,” against his mouth as I reach underneath him, rubbing one finger between his cheeks and over his entrance. He jumps, makes a surprised sound, but otherwise doesn’t protest while I rub gently, letting him get used to the feeling before pushing my finger in. His breath hitches and he lets his mouth fall to my neck, continuing to suck on a spot he never quite finished with earlier.
“How’s this?” I murmur into his ear, stroking my finger in deeper and letting my other hand grip his hip.
“S’good,” he barely manages, breathing out harder against my skin and running his tongue soothingly over the bruise he created. I kiss him swiftly before I add in another finger alongside the first, stretching him more. He doesn’t wince or whimper in pain like I expected - he actually keens, clearly enjoying it. He just continues to surprise me today.
I’ve never had it done to me, but I’ve tried it on myself, and it hurt until I got used to it. But Ryan obviously is having a different reaction.
“Hey,” I say a bit softly, and he looks up. “You know I’m a virgin too right?”
“Really?” he blinks in surprise, the expression quickly being replaced with pleasure when I move my fingers in and out at a slightly faster pace.
“Yeah. I mean, I’ve done stuff, but never this. You’re the first,” I smile. He looks so proud at that moment - proud that he gets to be the first person to ever experience this with me, and his caramel colored eyes shining down at me say more than a million words ever could.
“C’mon, I need you now,” he says huskily, attacking my mouth with his tongue and his whole body shivering when I barely brush up on that little bundle of nerves inside him with my fingertips. “Please, now, please,” he begs, probably not even knowing what he’s begging for but just knowing that he needs more.
“Okay, fuck,” I breathe, taking my fingers out and making quick work of getting the condom on and slicking myself up. “This will hurt,” I warn, about to go into a speech about how we really don’t have to do this yet but he beats me to it.
“I don’t care, I know, whatever, please,” he rushes out, rubbing his nose against mine and breathing into my mouth. I chuckle a little at his enthusiasm, guiding his hips until he’s positioned above me. I was planning on doing all the work, but he gets the gist and starts to sink down torturously slowly onto me. My mouth hangs open as I watch, completely amazed, as he closes his eyes and bites his lip so hard I’m sure it’ll bleed. He’s whimpering now, hands propped up on my chest to support himself, and he stops when he’s completely full. His face reflects the pain he’s in, but that underlying glint of pleasure never once left, just like that lust that’s reflecting off his eyes.
“God,” he chokes out, letting out a little sob and leaning down onto me. I’m overwhelmed, the feeling of ridiculously tight heat around my cock and the little short, choppy breaths he’s puffing out against my neck rendering me completely baffled.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur, kissing down his neck and rubbing my hand down his back, letting it rest at the bottom of his spine where I know the pain is centered.
“No, no, it’s- it hurts but it’s good,” he whimpers, sounding a bit confused. I laugh a little, turning his head so that I can kiss his ridiculously pink lips and try to relax him at least a little. I start with slow little thrusts, not even pulling halfway out before pushing back in, trying to relax his muscles. He continues to whimper above me, half in pleasure and half in pain, while he movies his hips the tiniest bit.
“God, you’re so sexy like this, Ryan, on top of me,” I groan, my hands moving to his ass while I thrust in again. He grinds back onto me this time, his little whimpers turning into lilting moans.
“I want-” he cuts himself off, panting. He sits up, hands on my chest for support again, and starts to take control. He moves himself down on my cock, hips rolling, and I couldn’t be any more turned on right now. At least that’s what I thought until he grabs my hands from his hips and pins them above my head, leaving me unable to do anything but lie there and shallowly thrust my hips up while he moves himself up and down.
Fuck, I’m going to come embarrassingly fast with him in control like this.
“Fucking hell, Ryan,” I moan when he drops down particularly hard, my eyes closing and my head lolling to the side. Feeling extra frisky, I snap my hips up as hard as I can manage, and then Ryan’s body goes rigid and he moans so loud that I’m almost positive Jayda and Spencer will have heard it. Oops.
“Oh my god,” he bites his lip, hands tightening around my wrists, and he shoves himself onto my cock at that same angle, hitting his spot every time. This isn’t just sex. No, this is the sound of pure ecstasy floating around us, vibrating in the air and clouding our minds. This is sweaty skin and fingers lacing together and bruises being formed. This is Ryan leaning down to tangle his tongue with mine because he can’t take the pleasure anymore, he has to touch me. This is us laughing and crying and kissing and giving everything to each other until there’s nothing left.
This is love.
And when he comes without me even touching him, my name falling effortlessly from his mouth without thought, it’s almost tangible, the love.
He continues to shake, his muscles having spasms and his body convulsing as I keep thrusting into him, and he releases even more onto my stomach. It’s all I can to do see straight, everything stopping for a while, including my heart, when I come, his muscles clenching around me and everything being amplified times a hundred. His hands on my wrists, holding tight and strong, send me into overdrive, the sounds leaving my mouth not even sounding like anything human - pure animalistic pleasure.
“Oh god, holy- oh fuck,” I moan, hips still lazily rolling and eyes squeezed shut. No, no, they need to be open - I need to see him, see his perfect face and his gorgeous brown eyes. He’s looking at me with so much love, so much satisfaction, that I can barely breathe.
I gently lift him off me, removing the condom and tossing it in the trash, and pull him as close as I possibly can, kissing everywhere, every single inch of skin my lips come across. “I love you. I love you. Fuck, I love you,” I breathe, nuzzling into his neck. “I love you so much it scares me. I just need you to be okay. I need you to be okay and I need you to not hurt anymore because I love you so much,” I repeat, nearly sobbing at this point, emotions running rampant.
Ryan lets his fingers settle in my hair, pulling back and looking at me with wide eyes. “Brendon,” he chokes out quietly, massaging through my hair and exuding so much love that it hurts. “I’m okay. I’m okay,” he smiles, shaking his head like I’m fine, silly. “Don’t you know how happy you make me?” he cocks his head a little, eyes watering. “I’ve never been more okay in my life,” he whispers, burying his face in my neck and sniffling.
It’s only a moment, just one small little slice of time - but for those few seconds I’ve never felt more vulnerable or more cared about.
* * *
Ryan rolls over a tiny bit so he’s half-lying on me, arm around my waist and face in the crook of my neck, breathing softly. “We should watch Titanic again,” he murmurs eventually after a comfortable, sated silence. A laugh bubbles from my throat and I turn my head towards him, my breath catching a bit when I notice how beautiful he looks. His face is all flushed, hair sticking to his forehead and curls going every which way, lips kiss-swollen and pink. He literally takes my breath away.
“I thought you hated that movie because it made you cry,” I tease, tearing my gaze away from his mouth. He grins shyly, shrugging and stretching his limbs.
“Yeah but I like the love story,” he mutters, looking at me through his lashes. I roll my eyes playfully, indulging him and sitting up to put some underwear on.
“It’s in Jayda’s room, I’ll go get it,” I send him a smile, leaning over to kiss him again. He smiles lazily, pulling the blanket over himself and looking so satisfied that I almost turn back to jump his bones again. I walk down the hall, realizing that if they didn’t hear those moans before (which I mean, come on, they heard) then they’ll definitely know now what with my lack of clothing.
I push Jayda’s door open, starting to say, “Hey, I just need-” but I cut myself off with a sound of utter horror when I look into the room. Spencer and Jayda are on her bed. Naked. With Jayda on top of Spencer and- oh god, I’m going to be sick. “Ew, oh my fuck, Jayda!” I slap my hand over my eyes while she shrieks, attempting to cover what I unfortunately already saw.
“Brendon!” she shouts. “Get out, what the fuck!”
I hear Spencer mutter a mantra of, ‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.’
“I just- fuck, ew, oh god,” I nearly gag. “I need my movie, jesus christ,” I say, eyes still covered. I hear her swear, moving around until she thrusts the DVD into my hand. My face is burning. I just walked in on my sister and my best friend fucking. Never have I felt more uncomfortable. “God, I’m going to throw up,” I say dramatically, taking the movie from her.
She scoffs, “Oh whatever you hypocrite, like the entire street couldn’t hear you two in there! ‘Oh fucking hell, Ryan, oh yeah, fuck, harder,'” she mocks me. My mouth drops open in even more horror and I swat at her blindly, not even daring to uncover my eyes.
Spencer finally says something. “Okay but, twins seriously are weirdly connected, like. You can’t say it isn’t weird that you guys were having sex at the same time,” he pipes up. I gape, and I know Jayda is too even though I can’t see.
“Oh my god, I’m leaving,” I say, slamming the door shut and running back to my room.
I realize when I get back to find Ryan in hysterics, rolling around on my bed in laughter that I don’t even need to explain what happened.
“Never speak of this again,” I say in disgust, walking over to put the movie in.
Ryan just comes to the couch with the blanket to snuggle beside me, gets one look at my face, and starts laughing all over again.
* * *
A/N: Hi! I’m alive! I’m so so sorry this story is taking so long for me to finish. It’s just that I hate it, okay. I really don’t like it anymore. Although I did quite like this chapter, I thought it was cute and I thought it’d be a nice change from all the seriousness for once. Hope the smut wasn’t horrible, I tried. Comments are appreciated! :)
Chapter Nine
Everything is a bit strange now.
It’s been two days since I took Ryan home with me, and now the weekend is over and it’s time for school again. And the reason it’s strange is because there are no more secrets now. No mystery, no more trying to figure him out. It’s all out in the open now, and that’s different after spending so much time trying to decipher the odd behavior and puzzling questions.
I finally convinced Ryan to go to the police. I don’t know what finally changed his mind, but he agreed that if I went with him he’d go. And honestly, I’ve never been more relieved in my entire life. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and that scares me, but I do know that whatever it is, it has to be better than everything his parents have put him through.
I’m lying in bed, chewing on my lip in thought and just about to get up for school, when I hear my door open quietly. Jayda tip-toes across my room in her pajama pants and a t-shirt that I’m pretty sure is actually Spencer’s. “Hey,” she says in a hushed voice, noticing that Ryan is still sleeping soundly beside me. I glance at him, easing myself off the bed and walking over to sit on the couch with Jayda. “How’s he doing?” she asks hopefully. Ryan wasn’t doing well at all at first, barely saying a word and doing nothing but sleeping. But he’s getting better.
“Good,” I reply with a sigh. “Well, good compared to how he was at first,” I correct. Jayda nods, looking over at Ryan’s sleeping form with sadness in her eyes. She pulls her legs up onto the couch and curls them underneath her.
“I was thinking maybe we should just skip school today. Mom won’t be home until Wednesday and you know we could all use a day off. I’ll call Spence and we can all just hang out,” she suggests, wide eyes imploring me to agree with her. Usually I’d argue, say that I don’t really feel like making bad grades and that we should go. But today is different, and she’s right. We could all use a day off.
“Okay,” I agree easily, lifting one shoulder slightly. “I’ll just let Ryan sleep then,” I say, getting up and switching off the alarm clock before heading out of the room and nodding for Jayda to follow me. “So,” I start once we’re in the kitchen, Jayda getting two coffee mugs from the cupboard. I smile a little, knowing what she’s doing. When we were in middle school we’d skip all the time when our mother was away, just stay home and hang out all day. And every time, we’d get up and make hot chocolate and go watch cartoons right when we woke up. “Ryan said he’ll go to the police,” I tell her, watching as she fills the kettle with water and places it on the stove.
“Really?” She stops for a moment, looking at me eagerly. “That’s good. That’s really good,” she sighs in relief.
“Yeah, we’re going to go tomorrow.”
“I’m sure everything will turn out okay, Bren,” she smiles kindly, obviously sensing that I’m worrying about the whole situation. I smile back, hoping more than anything that she’s right.
Once our hot chocolate is done we settle into the couch in the living room, Jayda flipping through the channels until she lands on SpongeBob.
“What do you think is gonna happen, then?” she asks tentatively, glancing at me across the couch. She’s trying not to let me see the worry in her eyes but that’s something she’s never been good at hiding from me. “After you go to the police, I mean,” she elaborates. She blows softly on her steaming drink, bringing it to her mouth and taking a small sip. “Ryan’s still seventeen…” she trails off, her eyes dropping down and her eyebrows creasing.
This is the one thing that refuses to leave my mind. The only thing I’ve been consistently worrying about for days now. What if they don’t let Ryan stay with me? He’s still underage, and he’s obviously not going to be able to stay at his home by himself.
I don’t know what I’ll do if they take him away from me.
“I think… I think we’ll just have to deal with that when we get to it,” I finally sigh, sipping my own hot chocolate. Why can’t things just be simple, and good for once? There’s always something getting in the way of happiness. I look back at Jayda, but she isn’t looking at me or even really paying attention anymore. Her eyes are trained on that burn spot on the wooden floor that we accidentally created when we were twelve and liked to play with lighters. She looks far away, mind in another world, but that crease is still on her forehead.
“Something’s wrong with me,” she murmurs softly, her face never twisting out of that look of utter confusion. I frown, slowly cocking my head at her and making an inquisitive noise for her to continue. She sighs, trails her gaze up to me and in the most pathetic, tiny voice, she utters, “I want to kiss Spencer.”
My eyebrows shoot up, and I nearly choke on the hot liquid trailing down my throat. “Um,” I say a bit hysterically, eyes comically wide, I’m sure. Her face contorts into panic and she sets her mug down on the coffee table, sitting on her knees and facing me.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” she cries, her face looking so incredibly worrisome that it makes the whole situation even funnier. “Every time I see him I just want to- to- I just wanna push him against a wall and kiss him and run my hands through his stupid hair and-” she stops upon my noise of utter disgust because ew, that’s my sister and my best friend, I don’t need those visuals. She sighs, exasperated and looking like she’s having a major existential crisis. “Help,” she whimpers, huge eyes looking close to watering. I stare at her for exactly three seconds before bursting into completely uncharacteristic laughter.
“Oh my god!” I exclaim, bending over and hastily placing my own mug aside so it doesn’t spill with the shaking of my entire body. “Jay!” I laugh, wiping a tear that managed to escape, looking up at her through my lashes. “You like him you idiot.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth I’m reminded of our conversation only a few weeks prior, when I was freaking out about Ryan.
“Jay, I’ve never had this feeling before in my life. Sometimes that fluttery feeling gets so bad I think I’m going to throw up, and then I can’t breathe and I don’t know what to say around him and-”
“Whoa, easy. Take a breath,” she grinned. “I can’t believe it took you this long to realize you like him, you idiot.”
Not so smug now, is she?
“But,” she stops, looking at me and clearly not knowing what’s right in the world anymore. “But he’s Spencer,” she wails, “Spencer who chews his stupid gum and eats like a cow and snores in his sleep. Spencer who we’ve known practically forever, and who’s been having sleepovers with us-”
“You. Sleepovers with you,” I interject with raised eyebrows. I never participated in the sleepovers; I always went and slept in my own room at the end of the night.
“-since we were kids,” she continues on, “And Spencer who always helps me choose what to wear on the first day of school, and who buys me skittles and picks out the green ones because he knows I hate those, and- and who stayed up with me that one night telling me how pretty I was when Tommy broke up with me in the sixth grade and I thought it was because I was ugly,” she lists, her voice now down to barely a whimper and a little smile trying to ease its way onto her lips. My own expression softens at that last one - I never knew that.
“Jay,” I say gently, smiling in what I hope is a comforting way. “So you like Spencer, it’s not the end of the world,” I tease, nudging her ankle.
“God, I texted him earlier and he’s going to be here in like,” she pauses, looking at the time on her phone, “like ten minutes!” she nearly wheezes, and I’m afraid she’s going to convulse or something. “What do I do?” she asks frantically.
“Kiss him… ?” I suggest weakly, shrugging. “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he’s totally in love with you too,” I grin. I understand now why Ryan was always so adamant about the two of them being into each other. He saw what I never did, and looking back on the interaction between Spencer and my sister - it makes complete sense.
“But I have a boyfriend!” she insists.
“A boyfriend that’s a total dick,” I say in a tone implying that it should be obvious what she needs to do. “I don’t even know why you’re still with that asshole anyway. Just dump him.”
She opens her mouth to protest, I’m sure, but a sleepy, scratchy voice interrupts and makes my head shoot straight toward the hallway.
“I second that,” Ryan yawns around his words, stretching his long arms languidly above his head and drawing my eyes to the bottom of his lean torso where a strip of pale skin is exposed from his shirt riding up. He blushes furiously when he catches me staring, biting on his bottom lip shyly and ambling over toward me. He goes to take a seat between Jayda and me, but I quickly grab him from behind and drag him down onto my lap. He squeaks a little - squeaks, god he’s adorable - and chuckles before settling down on my thighs, his weight barely noticeable to me.
“Good morning,” I smile into the back of his neck, placing a small kiss there. I can feel the heat creep down his neck, the skin underneath my mouth warming up.
“Um, hello, I’m having a crisis here?” Jayda waves her arm to get my attention again.
“What’s going on?” Ryan asks curiously, looking between the two of us.
“Oh, remember that whole Jayda/Spencer thing you kept going on about? You were right,” I grin, giggling when Jayda glares at me.
“I knew it!” Ryan laughs, grinning at Jayda himself.
“Anyway,” Jayda huffs, “What do I do, guys?” She looks between us helplessly, a lost puppy.
“Like I said, just kiss him and see what happens.”
“That’s like the worst possible thing to do and it’ll never turn out well,” she scoffs, crossing her arms. I raise my eyebrows, snaking my arms around Ryan’s waist and hooking my chin over his shoulder to look at my sister smugly.
“Um, that’s what I did,” I smirk, leaning up to kiss under Ryan’s jaw for emphasis. His mouth twitches a little, that ridiculous blush creeping up again and making him look like a beautiful porcelain doll. She blinks, realization striking.
“Huh,” she muses, her head leaning to the side a little as she observes us. She jumps as our apartment buzzer goes off, her content expression replaced with panic once again. “Get out!” she shrieks at us, shooing us with her hands as she runs over to buzz Spencer in.
Ryan and I jump up with a giggle, and I take his hand and lead him back to my room while Jayda promptly freaks out for the whole complex to hear. The door shuts behind us and I’m about to turn to Ryan and laugh about my sister’s hysterics when I’m suddenly pushed against the door and a warm mouth is on mine.
Ryan hums softly, pushing his tongue past my lips and invading my mouth with his sweet taste. And this - this has never happened; this frantic, passionate, spontaneous kissing. Even more baffling to me is that Ryan initiated it. My surprise is quickly replaced by pleasure as he lulls me into a deep sense of relaxation, his quirky, languid way of kissing settling itself in me and making my stomach flutter in a way it never has before. It’s so different than what I’m used to. It’s not fast and meaningless and purely done for predisposed purposes - it’s sweet and deep and soft and loving, coiling in the pit of my stomach and making me moan before I even know what’s happening.
“Ryan, jesus christ,” I whimper, my lips barely moving away from his enough to talk. He looks worried instantly, like maybe he thinks he’s done something wrong, but I quickly put his worries to rest and thread my fingers through his silky, loose curls (my favorite thing is when he doesn’t straighten his hair) and bring his mouth back to mine again. God, he’s gotten so good at this in only a matter of days. He’s either got to be a naturally amazing kisser or an extremely fast learner. I hum against his mouth, an almost needy sound, and pull him backwards to my bed by the collar of his shirt.
He crawls over me, completely taking me by surprise again when he practically rips off my shirt and throws it to the ground. I can nearly feel my gaze darken, my pants getting impossibly tighter to the point of it being painful. Seeing someone who has been nothing but shy and timid and adorable completely take control of me like this - it’s fucking hot.
He brings his mouth to my neck, sucking on it in a deliciously arousing way that has me stuttering for breath, and I slide my hands up his back underneath his shirt, feeling the hot skin under my fingertips. Ryan lets out a soft sound, a little breathy moan, and brings his mouth to my ear. “Brendon, please, I- I need. I want, I-”
“What do you want, Ryan?” I interrupt, my own voice low and unintentionally sultry. My hands slide down, slipping into the back of his pants and he moans louder, nipping at the skin below my ear. “Tell me what you want,” I whisper, moving my hands down further underneath his boxers to grip the soft flesh there.
“I want you to- to,” he stutters, trying to stay coherent enough through his small moans when I bring my mouth to his pale, exposed neck, sucking purple marks into the flawless skin. “God, Brendon, I want you to make love to me,” he moans into my ear almost shyly, biting his lip like he’s embarrassed at the confession. I freeze, my heart stuttering pathetically in my chest while I try to figure out if he actually just said what I think he did.
I pull back to meet his shy eyes, bringing my hands out of his pants and up his back again, a comforting gesture. “What?” I barely breathe out, my mind bursting with about a million different feelings that I don’t understand because this incredible, loving, beautiful boy just asked me to take the most valuable thing he has.
I mean, this is Ryan. The fidgety, adorable, clueless boy that didn’t even know what a blowjob was. He can’t possibly understand to the full extent what he’s asking me to do - what he’s offering to give me.
“Ryan… I don’t think you really want that,” I say slowly as he blinks his wide eyes at me. He frowns, about to protest so I quickly continue. “That- that’s a huge thing. You can’t possibly understand-”
“Don’t patronize me,” he creases his eyebrows, looking at me reproachfully. I blink, taken aback by how mature he sounds and it hits me that I sometimes forget how smart he actually is, not to mention he’s older than me. “I know what I’m asking. I may not know exactly how it works…” he trails off, averting his eyes as a soft pink appears on his cheeks. “But I know that it’s a big deal. And I also know that I love you and if there’s someone I trust to take my virginity it’s you,” he says weakly, but his expression is anything but. His eyes are determined and sure. I swallow thickly at his confession, feeling kind of stupid for treating him like a child and also feeling incredibly loved.
“Are you- are you sure?” I whisper, feeling like I’m actually more nervous than he is.
“Brendon,” he bites his lip, leaning down to place open-mouthed kisses on my neck again. He swings his leg across me so that his thighs are bracketing my hips, essentially straddling me, and he runs his hands up my bare chest. “Please,” he nips at my neck hotly. “Please make love to me. I need you.”
My heart swells at the request, and I can’t think about anything but how he worded it. He didn’t ask me to fuck him, didn’t ask me to have sex with him. He asked me to make love to him.
And because of that I have a hard time choking back tears. Here is this sweet, fragile little thing peppering me with loving kisses and stroking the side of my jaw with his fingers, every single action exuding love - and what am I waiting for again?
“O-okay,” I tentatively agree, smiling when I see how happy he looks. He brings his mouth to mine, curling his tongue in again and instantly erasing every negative thought from my mind. He parts with one last lingering kiss, rubbing his nose against mine and smiling softly.
“What do I need to do?” he asks, bringing his teeth to his lip again. And his utter innocence really shouldn’t turn me on so much, but god, it does. I stretch over to reach into the drawer beside my bed, praying that I have a condom, just one. I sigh in relief when I find the little box, grabbing one from it and also some of that massage oil that I used on Ryan weeks ago, a small blush coloring my cheeks when I remember how I told him it wasn’t for this. So it’s technically also lube, I lied, sue me.
I lose my breath a little when I see that Ryan stripped off his clothes while I was rummaging through my drawer, leaving him completely naked and blushing harder than I’ve ever seen him, cheeks flaming. It’s completely endearing.
“Just stay just like this, yeah?” I choke out, leaving him straddling my thighs but pulling his legs a little wider apart. He’s already incredibly hard, his cock - which is bigger than I had thought, fuck - flushed and straining. My teeth leave imprints in my lip as I struggle to get my pajama pants off, Ryan raising his eyebrows when he sees I wasn’t wearing any underwear.
I grin, pulling him down for another kiss. Gasps leave our mouths simultaneously when our cocks brush together as he leans down, connecting our mouths again. God, it’s been too long since another person has touched me. This probably won’t last long.
I reach blindly for the massage oil while he kisses me in a way that can only be described as tender. I pour some of the liquid onto my fingers and throw it aside, murmuring, “This will feel weird, don’t freak out,” against his mouth as I reach underneath him, rubbing one finger between his cheeks and over his entrance. He jumps, makes a surprised sound, but otherwise doesn’t protest while I rub gently, letting him get used to the feeling before pushing my finger in. His breath hitches and he lets his mouth fall to my neck, continuing to suck on a spot he never quite finished with earlier.
“How’s this?” I murmur into his ear, stroking my finger in deeper and letting my other hand grip his hip.
“S’good,” he barely manages, breathing out harder against my skin and running his tongue soothingly over the bruise he created. I kiss him swiftly before I add in another finger alongside the first, stretching him more. He doesn’t wince or whimper in pain like I expected - he actually keens, clearly enjoying it. He just continues to surprise me today.
I’ve never had it done to me, but I’ve tried it on myself, and it hurt until I got used to it. But Ryan obviously is having a different reaction.
“Hey,” I say a bit softly, and he looks up. “You know I’m a virgin too right?”
“Really?” he blinks in surprise, the expression quickly being replaced with pleasure when I move my fingers in and out at a slightly faster pace.
“Yeah. I mean, I’ve done stuff, but never this. You’re the first,” I smile. He looks so proud at that moment - proud that he gets to be the first person to ever experience this with me, and his caramel colored eyes shining down at me say more than a million words ever could.
“C’mon, I need you now,” he says huskily, attacking my mouth with his tongue and his whole body shivering when I barely brush up on that little bundle of nerves inside him with my fingertips. “Please, now, please,” he begs, probably not even knowing what he’s begging for but just knowing that he needs more.
“Okay, fuck,” I breathe, taking my fingers out and making quick work of getting the condom on and slicking myself up. “This will hurt,” I warn, about to go into a speech about how we really don’t have to do this yet but he beats me to it.
“I don’t care, I know, whatever, please,” he rushes out, rubbing his nose against mine and breathing into my mouth. I chuckle a little at his enthusiasm, guiding his hips until he’s positioned above me. I was planning on doing all the work, but he gets the gist and starts to sink down torturously slowly onto me. My mouth hangs open as I watch, completely amazed, as he closes his eyes and bites his lip so hard I’m sure it’ll bleed. He’s whimpering now, hands propped up on my chest to support himself, and he stops when he’s completely full. His face reflects the pain he’s in, but that underlying glint of pleasure never once left, just like that lust that’s reflecting off his eyes.
“God,” he chokes out, letting out a little sob and leaning down onto me. I’m overwhelmed, the feeling of ridiculously tight heat around my cock and the little short, choppy breaths he’s puffing out against my neck rendering me completely baffled.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur, kissing down his neck and rubbing my hand down his back, letting it rest at the bottom of his spine where I know the pain is centered.
“No, no, it’s- it hurts but it’s good,” he whimpers, sounding a bit confused. I laugh a little, turning his head so that I can kiss his ridiculously pink lips and try to relax him at least a little. I start with slow little thrusts, not even pulling halfway out before pushing back in, trying to relax his muscles. He continues to whimper above me, half in pleasure and half in pain, while he movies his hips the tiniest bit.
“God, you’re so sexy like this, Ryan, on top of me,” I groan, my hands moving to his ass while I thrust in again. He grinds back onto me this time, his little whimpers turning into lilting moans.
“I want-” he cuts himself off, panting. He sits up, hands on my chest for support again, and starts to take control. He moves himself down on my cock, hips rolling, and I couldn’t be any more turned on right now. At least that’s what I thought until he grabs my hands from his hips and pins them above my head, leaving me unable to do anything but lie there and shallowly thrust my hips up while he moves himself up and down.
Fuck, I’m going to come embarrassingly fast with him in control like this.
“Fucking hell, Ryan,” I moan when he drops down particularly hard, my eyes closing and my head lolling to the side. Feeling extra frisky, I snap my hips up as hard as I can manage, and then Ryan’s body goes rigid and he moans so loud that I’m almost positive Jayda and Spencer will have heard it. Oops.
“Oh my god,” he bites his lip, hands tightening around my wrists, and he shoves himself onto my cock at that same angle, hitting his spot every time. This isn’t just sex. No, this is the sound of pure ecstasy floating around us, vibrating in the air and clouding our minds. This is sweaty skin and fingers lacing together and bruises being formed. This is Ryan leaning down to tangle his tongue with mine because he can’t take the pleasure anymore, he has to touch me. This is us laughing and crying and kissing and giving everything to each other until there’s nothing left.
This is love.
And when he comes without me even touching him, my name falling effortlessly from his mouth without thought, it’s almost tangible, the love.
He continues to shake, his muscles having spasms and his body convulsing as I keep thrusting into him, and he releases even more onto my stomach. It’s all I can to do see straight, everything stopping for a while, including my heart, when I come, his muscles clenching around me and everything being amplified times a hundred. His hands on my wrists, holding tight and strong, send me into overdrive, the sounds leaving my mouth not even sounding like anything human - pure animalistic pleasure.
“Oh god, holy- oh fuck,” I moan, hips still lazily rolling and eyes squeezed shut. No, no, they need to be open - I need to see him, see his perfect face and his gorgeous brown eyes. He’s looking at me with so much love, so much satisfaction, that I can barely breathe.
I gently lift him off me, removing the condom and tossing it in the trash, and pull him as close as I possibly can, kissing everywhere, every single inch of skin my lips come across. “I love you. I love you. Fuck, I love you,” I breathe, nuzzling into his neck. “I love you so much it scares me. I just need you to be okay. I need you to be okay and I need you to not hurt anymore because I love you so much,” I repeat, nearly sobbing at this point, emotions running rampant.
Ryan lets his fingers settle in my hair, pulling back and looking at me with wide eyes. “Brendon,” he chokes out quietly, massaging through my hair and exuding so much love that it hurts. “I’m okay. I’m okay,” he smiles, shaking his head like I’m fine, silly. “Don’t you know how happy you make me?” he cocks his head a little, eyes watering. “I’ve never been more okay in my life,” he whispers, burying his face in my neck and sniffling.
It’s only a moment, just one small little slice of time - but for those few seconds I’ve never felt more vulnerable or more cared about.
* * *
Ryan rolls over a tiny bit so he’s half-lying on me, arm around my waist and face in the crook of my neck, breathing softly. “We should watch Titanic again,” he murmurs eventually after a comfortable, sated silence. A laugh bubbles from my throat and I turn my head towards him, my breath catching a bit when I notice how beautiful he looks. His face is all flushed, hair sticking to his forehead and curls going every which way, lips kiss-swollen and pink. He literally takes my breath away.
“I thought you hated that movie because it made you cry,” I tease, tearing my gaze away from his mouth. He grins shyly, shrugging and stretching his limbs.
“Yeah but I like the love story,” he mutters, looking at me through his lashes. I roll my eyes playfully, indulging him and sitting up to put some underwear on.
“It’s in Jayda’s room, I’ll go get it,” I send him a smile, leaning over to kiss him again. He smiles lazily, pulling the blanket over himself and looking so satisfied that I almost turn back to jump his bones again. I walk down the hall, realizing that if they didn’t hear those moans before (which I mean, come on, they heard) then they’ll definitely know now what with my lack of clothing.
I push Jayda’s door open, starting to say, “Hey, I just need-” but I cut myself off with a sound of utter horror when I look into the room. Spencer and Jayda are on her bed. Naked. With Jayda on top of Spencer and- oh god, I’m going to be sick. “Ew, oh my fuck, Jayda!” I slap my hand over my eyes while she shrieks, attempting to cover what I unfortunately already saw.
“Brendon!” she shouts. “Get out, what the fuck!”
I hear Spencer mutter a mantra of, ‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.’
“I just- fuck, ew, oh god,” I nearly gag. “I need my movie, jesus christ,” I say, eyes still covered. I hear her swear, moving around until she thrusts the DVD into my hand. My face is burning. I just walked in on my sister and my best friend fucking. Never have I felt more uncomfortable. “God, I’m going to throw up,” I say dramatically, taking the movie from her.
She scoffs, “Oh whatever you hypocrite, like the entire street couldn’t hear you two in there! ‘Oh fucking hell, Ryan, oh yeah, fuck, harder,'” she mocks me. My mouth drops open in even more horror and I swat at her blindly, not even daring to uncover my eyes.
Spencer finally says something. “Okay but, twins seriously are weirdly connected, like. You can’t say it isn’t weird that you guys were having sex at the same time,” he pipes up. I gape, and I know Jayda is too even though I can’t see.
“Oh my god, I’m leaving,” I say, slamming the door shut and running back to my room.
I realize when I get back to find Ryan in hysterics, rolling around on my bed in laughter that I don’t even need to explain what happened.
“Never speak of this again,” I say in disgust, walking over to put the movie in.
Ryan just comes to the couch with the blanket to snuggle beside me, gets one look at my face, and starts laughing all over again.
* * *
A/N: Hi! I’m alive! I’m so so sorry this story is taking so long for me to finish. It’s just that I hate it, okay. I really don’t like it anymore. Although I did quite like this chapter, I thought it was cute and I thought it’d be a nice change from all the seriousness for once. Hope the smut wasn’t horrible, I tried. Comments are appreciated! :)