The One Thing I Never Expected - Chapter 19
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Chapter 19
After we got back from getting ice cream, everything was really awkward. We walked into the living room to see it half empty. Most of my family had left. But I was surprised that anyone stayed at all. Sitting there was Aiden, my grandma, my mom’s brother Nick and his wife and two daughters, and Mark. I didn’t see Kate anywhere, though.
Now we’re all just sort of sitting here, avoiding eye contact.
“Did you have fun, Milly?” Mark asks, breaking the silence.
“Yeah!” she says excitedly. “Ryan is really funny.”
“That’s good, sweetie,” he says tiredly. Milly’s eyes dart around a bit before she frowns.
“Where’s Mom?”
“Your mom decided to go home early. I told her we were going to stay until Saturday, like we planned.”
“Brendon,” I hear Aiden say. I look over at him and he’s gazing at me cautiously. “Are you alright?”
“No,” I say honestly, standing up. “No, I’m not. My entire family hates me now because of the way I was born.”
“We don’t hate you, sweetie,” my grandma says softly, and I am so not in the mood for this shit.
“Why are you even still here?” I snap at her, and she reels back, looking affronted.
“Brendon, I’ve thought about this while you were gone, and- and even though I most certainly don’t believe in it, I suppose I could learn to bear it. I don’t want to stop having anything to do with my grandson,” she reasons. She can learn to bear it? I scoff at her, shaking my head.
“I can’t believe you. You either accept me or you don’t, Grandma. You don’t bear it. I’d rather not have you around at all than have you around silently judging me,” I say, trying to keep my voice unwavering.
“I’m trying the best I can here, Brendon. It’s my religion. I live by these rules, and it’s wrong for me to even think about ignoring this. But I can’t just cut you out like Kate.”
“Fine. You think you can just ignore it? Can you ignore this?” I swiftly put my hands on either of Ryan’s cheeks and plant a sloppy kiss on his lips, hearing a quick intake of breath from my grandma. I pull back and whip around to face her again. “Because that is me. I’m not going to change for you, ever. I will always be this way. Ryan is my boyfriend and I love him. I’m going to kiss him, I’m going to touch him, and I’m probably going to be with him forever! I’m not going to pretend to be someone else around you and you are not going to take this from me!” I yell, my voice breaking on the last word and my eyes hot with tears. My chest is heaving from getting so worked up, and my grandma is speechless.
“Brendon…I-”
“You’re never going to accept me, and we both know that,” I say hoarsely. She hangs her head, not protesting. “I love you, Grandma. But you might as well stop pretending that you’ll ever be okay with this. All of you.” I look around to see everyone either staring at me or averting their gazes awkwardly. “I’m going to bed,” I announce, heading for the stairs with Ryan following me.
I feel like a floodgate has been opened, and all of these feelings are just rushing out at once. I never thought I’d say those words to my grandma, or to anyone. But I couldn’t control it. The words just came out. It’s like I wasn’t even in control of myself.
“Are you okay?” Ryan asks quietly once he shuts the bedroom door behind us.
“What do you think?” I demand, turning to face him. He recoils at the harsh words, looking a little hurt and I instantly feel bad. I never want to take my anger out on him. None of this is his fault.
“I’m sorry,” he signs, and he hasn’t done that since he got his hearing back. Now I really feel like an asshole.
“No, Ryan,” I say, my voice softer. “I’m sorry, alright? Don’t- don’t do that.” I close my eyes and run my hands over my face tiredly. When I remove my hands, Ryan is still staring at the ground.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you when your entire family was in the next room. This is my fault,” he signs quickly, looking a little flustered because he hasn’t done it in so long. We said we’d keep signing, but we kind of just stopped. I think briefly that I might actually miss it.
“I was going to tell them anyway, remember?” I mumble.
“I could tell by the look in your eyes that you didn’t really want them to know.” I sometimes forget that he can read me like a book. It’s so hard to hide anything from him.
“Please talk to me,” I whisper with a rough inclination to my shaky voice. “I really need you right now, you know?” He finally looks at me, and there’s sympathy in his eyes. But that’s not what I was looking for.
“I can’t even imagine what this is like for you,” he says quietly, walking closer to me.
“Sure you can,” I argue, trying to sound less upset than I actually am. “You went through it at school.”
“Yeah, but that’s different,” Ryan says, scrunching his eyebrows. “I couldn’t care less about those people. But this is your family. I never had to go through this with my mom.” I blink so that I don’t start crying again. I can already feel a headache coming on. I always thought that even if my family did react like this, it wouldn’t matter.
“I thought I wouldn’t care, you know? If they hated me. But I do. I don’t even like them, but this hurts so much more than I thought it would,” I say brokenly, hating how weak the words come out.
“It’ll be okay. I mean, no offense, but at least you weren’t that close to them.”
“What about Milly?” I ask, suddenly realizing that I may not get to see her again.
“I’m sure Mark will make sure you get to see her,” Ryan reasons, but I can tell he’s not completely confident in his words.
“I hope,” I mutter. Just then I hear a tentative knock at the door, and then it inches open, and I see a bit of brown hair poking through.
“Can I come in?” Milly asks. I wonder why she knocked this time when she just bounded on in last time.
“Yeah,” Ryan says with a forced smile. Milly steps in and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around my middle.
“I’m sorry,” she says. I think I can almost feel my heart melt and fall into a puddle.
“It’s okay. Everything’s fine,” I lie. She makes a little sound of disagreement but doesn’t say anything else. She really is too smart for her own good.
She tells us goodnight and then leaves the room. There’s an awkward air about us, and I don’t like it. Ryan and I have been lots of things. We’ve been angry and pissy with each other, we’ve been quiet and brooding, but we’ve never been awkward.
Ryan is staring at the ground, like he always does when he’s nervous. I let out a heavy sigh.
“Are we okay?” he asks, sounding a bit insecure. I reach forward and grab his arm, pulling him into me. He easily obliges, sinking into me and wrapping his arms around my neck. My hands wrap around his tiny waist, feeling the soft material of his shirt beneath my fingers.
“Of course we’re okay,” I mumble, kissing his cheek. None of this happened like it was supposed to. I guess I should have known that there has to be some bad to balance out the good. Everything in my life was so perfect. And then the party happened, and now this. I guess it’s just months worth of unhappiness that’s finally catching up with me.
All I want to do now is sleep for days.
***
I’m dreaming about nothing in particular, just whirring colors and fuzzy shapes that I can’t make out, when something starts violently shaking me awake. I jump, kind of startled and try to make sense of things in my fuzzy brain. It’s obviously Ryan who woke me up.
“Brendon,” he whispers frantically, and I’m immediately going into worry-mode.
“What is it?” I ask, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. “Did you have a nightmare again?” He doesn’t look scared though. He has a look about him that I can’t place, but it seems oddly familiar.
“No,” he rushes out, shaking his head adamantly. I can’t even get a word out before he’s crashing our lips together so hard I think they might actually bruise. I’m trying to focus through my sleep-heavy brain enough to process what’s happening, but all I know is that Ryan is crawling into my lap and running his hands up underneath my shirt, and this is completely different from the way he’s been so delicate with me lately.
He pulls back and tears his shirt off in two seconds flat, and I have never seen him like this. He makes a frustrated noise at my obvious distractedness and starts to tug on my shirt. “Wh- now?” I ask dazedly, looking at the clock. 3:15 a.m.
“Please,” he whines. “Just. Please?” He looks desperate, needy. There's no way I can turn him down when he looks like this.
“Y-yeah, okay. Of course,” I say a little breathlessly. He lets out a grateful puff of air and immediately returns to ripping my shirt off. Ryan rolls over so he’s on his back and pulls me over on top of him. Every move he makes is jerky and rushed. I have no idea what’s gotten into him, but I think I like it. I lean down to kiss him, making sure that I’m pressed as close to him as I can get, and I keep the kiss soft and agonizingly slow, no matter how hard Ryan tries to rush it. I can tell he’s frustrated, but I know he likes it, because he keeps making these little sounds like he’s having a hard time keeping a moan from coming out. My hands skirt across his soft skin, teasing my way down his side, and I can feel him shiver. My fingers snake their way under the waistband of his boxers to rest on his hipbone, stopping there and rubbing gently.
The sheets are soft and worn, and when I raise up, the blanket falls down my back, lying in a bunch around my waist. I take a moment to examine Ryan in the pale light coming from the window where there’s a full, silvery moon. It makes him look translucent, soft around the edges. My eyes trail down the sharp lines of his collarbones, the smooth expanse of his chest, and the ridges of his ribs sticking out of his skinny frame. I don’t think he’s ever looked more beautiful.
“Bren,” Ryan says hoarsely, thrusting his hip that my hand is resting on. My lips twitch up into a little smile, and I move my fingers farther down into his boxers, but still not far enough. He closes his eyes and tips his head back, clearly frustrated with me, but I’m enjoying this. I’m sitting on his lap, and he’s lying back on the bed, so I’ve got a pretty good view. My fingers reach a little farther down and graze those soft, fuzzy barely-there hairs. Ryan doesn’t actually have any hair really anywhere on his body, because he hates it. I’m completely fine with that though, because it makes him soft and silky everywhere. I have a thing for his skin, and I haven’t decided if that’s weird or not.
I move my fingers down even farther, finding that he’s already hard and finally touching him where he wants to be touched, but so lightly that it won’t do anything but drive him insane.
“You’re such a fucking tease,” he says between gritted teeth.
“You woke me up at three in the morning; you’ll take what you can get,” I say airily. I pull my hand out of his boxers, receiving a pained moan of agony from Ryan, the drama queen. I lean down to press a wet kiss under his jaw. “Be patient,” I murmur. I continue with a trail of wet kisses down his neck, stopping to admire his collarbone, licking along the sharp edges. I don’t know if it’s possible for skin to have a taste, but I swear Ryan’s does.
My lips make their way to his stomach, and my tongue traces over his belly button. I hear a sharp intake of breath, and oh. I lick over his belly button again and he shakes, breathing out a tiny sound that could almost be qualified as a moan. That's new. I place one more kiss onto his lower stomach before gripping the waistband of his boxers and pulling them down slowly. I lift myself off his lap to pull his boxers off, tossing them aside, and then sit back down. My hands roam back up his stomach, my fingers pushing into his skin. He bites his lip anxiously when I slide down to lie in between his legs, but when I guide my mouth to his hipbone, he whimpers and slams his head back into the pillow.
“Come on, Brendon,” he begs. I smile against his skin and move my mouth a little farther up his hip. “Oh, fuck you,” he huffs. I laugh, nipping lightly at his skin, and decide that he’s had enough teasing. He’s making all these aggravated noises, but as soon as my hand wraps around his cock, that shuts him up. Okay, maybe I could tease him a bit more.
My tongue flicks out and just barely licks along the underside, and Ryan squirms and fists his hands in the sheets. “I hate you,” he chokes out.
“Aw, well I love you,” I tease, flicking my tongue over the tip of his cock. Ryan looks torn between pleasure and annoyance, and I giggle a little before finally taking him in my mouth. My hand keeps a firm grip on the base while my mouth slides down his length, and I can see his hands tightening their grips on the sheets, his knuckles turning white. His head is tipped back into the pillow, neck stretching out, and his mouth is open, forming an ‘o’ shape. My mouth tightens around him as I start to suck, bobbing up and down.
“Shit,” Ryan whispers breathily, bringing a hand to my hair and tugging the strands tightly between his fingers. An unexpected moan escapes my throat at the rough pull of my hair. Ryan seems to catch on, pulling a little harder. That’s definitely something I never knew I liked. I kind of enjoy giving Ryan blowjobs. I like feeling him thick in my mouth. I like the stretch of my throat around him, and I like the sounds he makes. They’re different sounds from the ones he makes when we have sex. They’re softer, smaller.
I’m so engrossed in what I’m doing that I don’t notice Ryan pulling my hair, this time to get me to stop. “Bren,” he says, his voice an octave higher than usual. “Stop.” I pull off and take in his disheveled appearance; his ruffled hair and red mouth, and I smile because he looks so incredibly cute and innocent. I lean down so I’m lying on top of him and kiss him, still lazily fisting his cock in my hand. I’m unbearably hard right now, but I want to take it slow. It’s been weeks.
My heart flutters at the soft press of his lips against mine. I’ve grown to appreciate that ridiculous chapstick he uses because his lips are always so soft. Insanely soft, really. I pull back to look at him, and I can’t even find words to express how much I love him. My other hand moves to his cheek and I press a kiss to his forehead, his nose, his jaw. His lips curve up in a soft smile and he looks at me with bright eyes.
“I don’t want this to be just fucking,” I murmur in a way of explanation. His smile becomes more sincere, not really getting any wider, but I can tell by the way it reaches his eyes, and he brings a hand to the back of my neck.
“It’s never just fucking,” he says in a sure voice. We meet each other halfway this time, and Ryan thrusts up into my hand, making a soft sound that does crazy things to my stomach.
Ryan wraps his long legs around my waist, and I take my hand off his cock and slide it up his leg instead, gripping hard at his hip. Ryan’s one hand is in my hair and he moves his other one down my back in a smooth motion, slipping it into my boxers and gripping my ass. He pushes his hips into mine while pulling me down, grinding roughly into me. I try really hard to be quiet, because my family is here, but it’s so, so hard. My grip on his hip tightens to the point of bruising, and I grind into him again, not able to fight off a moan. My head drops down to the crook of his neck and I nibble on the sensitive skin there, relishing in the way Ryan just keens. I suck a bruise into his neck and take a moment to think about how lucky I am.
“Okay,” Ryan breathes. “I can’t take this much longer.” I silently agree with him and reach into the drawer beside the bed, fumbling around a bit before I find the small bottle of lube. “Sorry for waking you up,” Ryan says quietly while I’m squeezing lube onto my fingers. I huff out a laugh.
“I’m not,” I smile. “What’s gotten into you, anyway?”
“I just kinda woke up that way,” he replies a bit sheepishly. “I just- I don’t know. I just need you. Now. I couldn’t wait,” he bites his lip.
“You’re adorable,” I laugh, kissing the side of his mouth and settling between his legs. My fingers work their way into him slowly, and I mouth at his hip when he makes a noise of discomfort. I started with two fingers, moving gently and opening him up. I watch them moving in and out, kind of transfixed, every now and then placing comforting kisses along Ryan’s hip and stomach. He makes a little noise, so I add another finger. This time Ryan hisses a little. I should probably do this for a little longer since it’s been a couple of weeks. I have to admit, the concept of having your fingers inside someone else kinda doesn’t sound very appealing. But it’s not that bad. Plus, once Ryan gets used to it, I know he really likes it.
I twist my fingers inside him and push in a little deeper, and then Ryan lets out a choked sound and pushes back against my hand. I smile a little and continue pushing into the same spot. My teeth gnaw on my lip when I start to wonder if I’ll ever get to see what this feels like. I wanted to do it before, but now…I just- ever since the party, I’ve been scared, because that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. But Ryan says that I make him feel amazing. And there has to be some good to it if he likes it so much. I notice Ryan’s starting to shake a little bit, so I remove my fingers and move to his mouth to kiss him. He sighs a little at the simple gesture, smiling into the kiss.
I pull back and sit between his legs again. He sends me a reassuring smile, and that gives me enough incentive to line my cock up and slowly push in a few inches. I look up, and Ryan’s wincing, but he nods, so I push in some more, slow so I don’t hurt him. Ryan takes a deep breath and puts his palm flat against my lower stomach. Tentatively, I pull out and push back in, biting my lip to keep any noise from coming out. Ryan seems to have relaxed some now, and on the next thrust, he pushes back against me. We’ve never done it like this before, with him lying down and me sitting up on my knees between his legs, holding on to his hips. He moves his other hand to lace his fingers with mine at his hip, and that makes it feel a bit more intimate.
We’ve got a steady pace going, and Ryan is starting to make enjoyable little noises, but it’s still not quite there yet. I’m never going to get tired of this, or of Ryan. Every single time feels like the first time, and no matter how messy or rushed it is, it’s always perfect.
“Go deeper, Bren,” Ryan murmurs, eyes clouded over with lust. I oblige, moving my hips forward and pressing all the way into him, and then, then he moans the way I want him to. “Oh, right there, right there,” he rushes out, and I smile, feeling accomplished. His fingers tighten around mine, and he’s moved his other hand to my hip, pulling me even deeper into him.
I just close my eyes and tip my head back, focusing on the feeling of hot and tight and perfect. My hips snap forward and Ryan moans, looking completely unhinged. I worry a little, because that was a rather loud moan, but then I decide that I don’t really care right now, because Ryan’s back is arching and his legs are wrapping around me, and he looks like the very definition of sex. I groan helplessly just from the sight of him, pushing into him at a faster pace. He closes his eyes and throws his head to the side, and bites the pillow to hold back his moan. I lift our tangled hands and press a kiss to his fingers, gripping his hip tight with my other hand and repetitively thrusting into him.
“Please, b-baby,” Ryan pants, and I detach my hand from his to wrap it around his cock, fisting it quickly in my hand because I know I’m about to come. “Fuck,” Ryan groans, trying to somehow push back against my cock and push forward into my hand at the same time.
“Shit, Ryan,” I choke out. “You’re so-” I break off, panting. “So tight.”
“God, Brendon,” Ryan moans out, thrusting up one more time before he comes all over my hand, whimpering and swearing and muttering incoherently. Everything suddenly becomes unbearably tight, and Ryan keeps pushing back against me, riding out his orgasm. I grab both his hips and thrust forward again, and then I come, every nerve ending in my body buzzing. It feels so intense that I kind of feel like I’m going to pass out, and white is clouding my vision.
“Fuck,” I moan, still lazily thrusting. I open my eyes and Ryan is gazing up at me, running a hand through my hair. I look at his soft smile and I briefly think, I wanna do this forever.
After I take a minute to regain my composure, I pull out and fall down beside Ryan, completely exhausted. He immediately rolls over and kisses me, licking into my mouth and resting his hand on my chest.
The kisses soon become lazy and sweet with Ryan pausing every few kisses to peck my cheek or my jaw.
“Ryan, I love you,” I murmur, stroking a finger across his cheek. “I mean, I really, really love you.” Ryan smiles with his lip in between his teeth.
“I love you more,” he says, playfully nudging his nose against mine.
“Doubt it,” I say skeptically.
“I just want you to be happy,” he mumbles, kissing the corner of my mouth.
“I’m always happy with you. No matter what else happens, you make me happy,” I say honestly. Ryan looks like he’s just realized something.
“I can’t picture being without you. I’ve had you for so long, I mean…I really think we’re going to stay together forever, as stupid as that may sound.”
“That’s not stupid,” I shake my head. “I can’t picture being without you either.”
“I think I want to marry you someday,” Ryan says decidedly, nodding his head. “Yeah,” he smiles.
“And then you can be Mrs. Ryan Urie,” I grin. He scoffs and swats at my arm.
“Mr.,” he corrects. “And who’s to say you won’t be Mr. Brendon Ross?” I laugh and wrap my arms around him.
“Because, you’re the girl,” I say pointedly. “You even look like one.”
“Brendon!” Ryan whines, pouting. I giggle and lean forward, kissing his cute little pout.
“Fine, you don’t look like a girl, per se, but you are pretty.”
“Fuck you, I am not pretty,” he frowns.
“Baby, don’t frown, it’ll make wrinkles in your pretty face,” I tease. He glares at me.
“I still think Brendon Ross sounds better than Ryan Urie,” he says, going back to our previous conversation.
“We wouldn’t have to change our last names, you know,” I remind him.
“Yeah, but then it wouldn’t feel like we were really married,” he scrunches up his nose.
“Are you serious about getting married?” I ask. “Like, after college?”
Ryan thinks about it for a minute before shrugging. “Well yeah,” he smiles, and my heart does this funny little thing in my chest.
“We’re definitely going to be together forever,” I nod, kissing him again. He laughs and pulls back, resting his head on my chest.
“Wherever you go, I go,” Ryan murmurs. It’s silent for a minute before I start to think about everything that happened today, and my stomach sinks.
“Ryan?” I ask tentatively.
“Hmm?”
“Everything’s gonna be okay, right?” I ask. He lifts his head and looks at me, his eyes soft.
“Yeah,” he whispers, kissing me softly one more time before smiling and putting his head back down. I sigh, sleepy and worn out, and I breathe in the scent of Ryan’s coconut shampoo, lulling myself back into sleep.
Next Chapter
***
A/N: Fucking lj cut is not working. Fixed it. This stupid website is always messing up. Anyway, this chapter was basically smut. You're welcome. c: Also, this entire smutty chapter is for Tess. <3