History, Section 1
I'm just a tired, broken-down fool. I don't know which way is forward anymore. I dunno if I ever even really did.
I feel old before my time. Not a bones-creak old; a experienced-too-much old. Like my soul is tattered the way most older people's bodies are. I feel like it's shredded and has holes punched in it and grafitti all over it.
And for all I know, it does. I remember a war. But I know that, even after that war, the one so far away and so long ago, that lasted so long and was like living through the bowels of hell.. even after it, I didn't feel this old. I don't think I started feeling really old til she died.
And no, this isn't from this life. I've never been IN a war in this life. I've never seen someone die, I've never killed anything beyong a bug (and maybe a deer, though I still say it commited suicide on my car hood )=).
But back then... I wasn't here. A lot of what one friend of mine has told me makes a LOT of sense to me. Some of it... really doesn't, but I don't remember too terribly much. Eh, I should give the whole story before theorizing, huh?
Here is what I believe in a nutshell; feel free to call me insane and attempt to commit me: I don't really know how far back it goes, but probably at least 500 years (on Earth's schedule, not some other planet or something) to get back to the war... Which lasted at LEAST three decades. Back farther... Maybe another few hundred to my first life cycle. (Yes, this is reincarnationish.)
I know that, up til maybe one or two life cycles before the war, I was predominantly a mercenary. I don't think I ever married or had any kids; I was pretty much a loner for hire. I don't remember too terribly much from it though, because most of my really vivid memories are from the war. But I'll get to that.
In the life cycles before the war, somewhere (I think the one right before it broke out), I was hired to assassinate a certain person; But I don't have her permission to say who it is, so I'll just call her X. Everyone who knows will know who I mean.
Anyway. I'm hired by some group of people (not humans, actually; this has nothing to do with Earth, which I'll explain later) to go kill X. Who is also not human, but rather kinda like what we call a feline furre. But not quite... Eh, it's too hard to really explain, since my only memories of this species, Kats (I'm very sure this isn't the actual name, but hey, it works) is of X. And she always wore like a hooded cloak. So I don't really have detailed memories of what they look like.
But I'm getting off track AGAIN. I'm hired to kill X, so I go do my hide-and-strike thing. Problem; instead of splitting her skull, like I was trying to, I sliced into her shoulder and stopped rather violently at her shoulderblade. Suddenly I find myself circling with this highly deadly, and likely pissed off, feline who is a good deal taller than me and rumored to be one of the best swordsmen of the era. Lovely.
But X was in a good mood, and instead of killing first, asking second, she gets all the info she needs from me; why did I do that, how much was I paid, by whom, etc. So she hires me in turn to go kill the group. My payment is the money they pay me for the finished job, double it, a steady job... and my life. Um, yeah, I'll go for that. I'm no coward, but I've always been good at surviving. It's my default mode. So we spread rumors that X is dead, she lies low, and I go do my final job as a hired hitman. And thus my second career begins.
Next life cycle or the one after, not sure which, I get drafted/volunteer for the Kat army. I've learned a lot about the species, have adopted their customs, religion, etc., and decide to help defend the culture I've come to love. Well, of COURSE I love it, it's very martial in nature!
Big. Fat. Mistake.
Well, ok, I'd probably do it again.. but I was VERY naive when I signed up. I imagined some glorified trench hopping, hand to hand glory fights, so on. What I got was trench HIDING, a lot of waiting to be killed, and many, many suicide missions.
X was our leader; I'd asked and had been allowed to transfer to her because, at least back there, everyone kept records of major shit in their 'past lives' and rememered them. I want to say it was induced memory, something that was like a... cerimony done at a certain age. But everyone knew their own soul's history. The area I came from was more advanced as far as stuff like that went, and more herbally and 'spiritually' so, but not as hot on technology. Guns were about as high tech as it got, to be honest. Well, and some form of space travel, if I remember right.
Anyway. The war... I remember I went through training with X and my soon to be squad, and pretty much everyone else under X's command. And I remember that she was DAMN good at what she did. Everyone was willing to do anything, even die, to protect her; we just knew that she was our ticket to a faster, less deadly war. And after just a few weeks out on the battlefield, we knew that we'd need all the help we could get. And everyone knew that X wouldn't ask us to do something she herself wasn't willing to do. We knew she CARED if we came back.
Her strategies worked. Her division lost less people and gained more ground than anyone elses. Because she used her OWN strategies, not the handbook crap that the enemy knew just as well as we did. And also because she managed to build us into a large family. It wasn't 'them' who went off on a mission; it was 'us'. And 'we' either came back or didn't. It was never 'None of them made it back.' It was 'None of us made it back.' Everyone knew everyone, at least by division if not by name and face.
And my squad... I was in charge of four fantastic guys. They became my family during that hellhole of a war. I respected each of them; we didn't leave anyone behind, no matter what. It really hurts that I can't remember their faces, or their names... I don't even know what happened to them.
I remember remembering (funny how that works) one night in the trenches. I was talking with someone from my squad - I can't remember who, though - about home, family.. I think a girl he had to leave behind. And I remember being aware that X was walking by and kinda stopped to watch us. But that's really all I remember of it. Not the conversation, which I recalled word for word at the time, or anything else. Just the gist of it.
After the war.. Eh. I don't remember much after the war up til her death... But I think I'll LJ about that later. I'm tired from explaining all this as it is, and this is one hell of a post anyway.
I feel old before my time. Not a bones-creak old; a experienced-too-much old. Like my soul is tattered the way most older people's bodies are. I feel like it's shredded and has holes punched in it and grafitti all over it.
And for all I know, it does. I remember a war. But I know that, even after that war, the one so far away and so long ago, that lasted so long and was like living through the bowels of hell.. even after it, I didn't feel this old. I don't think I started feeling really old til she died.
And no, this isn't from this life. I've never been IN a war in this life. I've never seen someone die, I've never killed anything beyong a bug (and maybe a deer, though I still say it commited suicide on my car hood )=).
But back then... I wasn't here. A lot of what one friend of mine has told me makes a LOT of sense to me. Some of it... really doesn't, but I don't remember too terribly much. Eh, I should give the whole story before theorizing, huh?
Here is what I believe in a nutshell; feel free to call me insane and attempt to commit me: I don't really know how far back it goes, but probably at least 500 years (on Earth's schedule, not some other planet or something) to get back to the war... Which lasted at LEAST three decades. Back farther... Maybe another few hundred to my first life cycle. (Yes, this is reincarnationish.)
I know that, up til maybe one or two life cycles before the war, I was predominantly a mercenary. I don't think I ever married or had any kids; I was pretty much a loner for hire. I don't remember too terribly much from it though, because most of my really vivid memories are from the war. But I'll get to that.
In the life cycles before the war, somewhere (I think the one right before it broke out), I was hired to assassinate a certain person; But I don't have her permission to say who it is, so I'll just call her X. Everyone who knows will know who I mean.
Anyway. I'm hired by some group of people (not humans, actually; this has nothing to do with Earth, which I'll explain later) to go kill X. Who is also not human, but rather kinda like what we call a feline furre. But not quite... Eh, it's too hard to really explain, since my only memories of this species, Kats (I'm very sure this isn't the actual name, but hey, it works) is of X. And she always wore like a hooded cloak. So I don't really have detailed memories of what they look like.
But I'm getting off track AGAIN. I'm hired to kill X, so I go do my hide-and-strike thing. Problem; instead of splitting her skull, like I was trying to, I sliced into her shoulder and stopped rather violently at her shoulderblade. Suddenly I find myself circling with this highly deadly, and likely pissed off, feline who is a good deal taller than me and rumored to be one of the best swordsmen of the era. Lovely.
But X was in a good mood, and instead of killing first, asking second, she gets all the info she needs from me; why did I do that, how much was I paid, by whom, etc. So she hires me in turn to go kill the group. My payment is the money they pay me for the finished job, double it, a steady job... and my life. Um, yeah, I'll go for that. I'm no coward, but I've always been good at surviving. It's my default mode. So we spread rumors that X is dead, she lies low, and I go do my final job as a hired hitman. And thus my second career begins.
Next life cycle or the one after, not sure which, I get drafted/volunteer for the Kat army. I've learned a lot about the species, have adopted their customs, religion, etc., and decide to help defend the culture I've come to love. Well, of COURSE I love it, it's very martial in nature!
Big. Fat. Mistake.
Well, ok, I'd probably do it again.. but I was VERY naive when I signed up. I imagined some glorified trench hopping, hand to hand glory fights, so on. What I got was trench HIDING, a lot of waiting to be killed, and many, many suicide missions.
X was our leader; I'd asked and had been allowed to transfer to her because, at least back there, everyone kept records of major shit in their 'past lives' and rememered them. I want to say it was induced memory, something that was like a... cerimony done at a certain age. But everyone knew their own soul's history. The area I came from was more advanced as far as stuff like that went, and more herbally and 'spiritually' so, but not as hot on technology. Guns were about as high tech as it got, to be honest. Well, and some form of space travel, if I remember right.
Anyway. The war... I remember I went through training with X and my soon to be squad, and pretty much everyone else under X's command. And I remember that she was DAMN good at what she did. Everyone was willing to do anything, even die, to protect her; we just knew that she was our ticket to a faster, less deadly war. And after just a few weeks out on the battlefield, we knew that we'd need all the help we could get. And everyone knew that X wouldn't ask us to do something she herself wasn't willing to do. We knew she CARED if we came back.
Her strategies worked. Her division lost less people and gained more ground than anyone elses. Because she used her OWN strategies, not the handbook crap that the enemy knew just as well as we did. And also because she managed to build us into a large family. It wasn't 'them' who went off on a mission; it was 'us'. And 'we' either came back or didn't. It was never 'None of them made it back.' It was 'None of us made it back.' Everyone knew everyone, at least by division if not by name and face.
And my squad... I was in charge of four fantastic guys. They became my family during that hellhole of a war. I respected each of them; we didn't leave anyone behind, no matter what. It really hurts that I can't remember their faces, or their names... I don't even know what happened to them.
I remember remembering (funny how that works) one night in the trenches. I was talking with someone from my squad - I can't remember who, though - about home, family.. I think a girl he had to leave behind. And I remember being aware that X was walking by and kinda stopped to watch us. But that's really all I remember of it. Not the conversation, which I recalled word for word at the time, or anything else. Just the gist of it.
After the war.. Eh. I don't remember much after the war up til her death... But I think I'll LJ about that later. I'm tired from explaining all this as it is, and this is one hell of a post anyway.