thirty yards back
title: thirty yards back
pairing: kyuhyun/hyukjae
rating: pg-13
words: 1,621
There’s something about being back on stage as a (nearly) complete group once more that makes one extremely self-conscious of their image. Night after night, the single thought that runs through their head is do your best, do your best, do your best… there’s a million eyes on you and you have to make a name for yourself, you have to be recognized, you have to stand out, do your best… it’s almost tiring. So sleep is lost, and eyes remain open late into the night, staring at the ceiling. It’s not so much thinking that causes it, but worrying. The stress aspect is what gets to some.
Some being Lee Hyukjae, Eunhyuk, the jewel of Super Junior. He thinks I want to be taller, damn it, but he knows that he can move his body the way he wants it to move, so that’s okay. For now, at least. He’s tired as hell but he doesn’t really care when he turns his head to the side to see the time. It’s nearly two in the morning; he has to be awake in 4 hours and he sits up to rub any sleep from his eyes. As he stands up and flicks on the light, he’s greeted by his reflection-his messy as fuck hair and his bare chest, with bags under his eyes to boot. His eyes scan over his torso and he knows he’s been working hard at this, the six-pack of muscles showing themselves off ever so slightly underneath his skin. His hipbones jut out above the waistband of his sweatpants and he makes a mental note to try and eat a bit more… though that’s kind of hard when he’s feeling sick to his stomach with anxiety most of the time. It’ll pass soon, he hopes, and he can hear his stomach grumble in response. Or maybe that’s just him.
The knock on his door nearly startles him and he ignores it, but he’s not surprised when he can hear the click of the doorknob turning and the person behind it walking in on their own accord. Privacy never really was a big deal between the members. He is surprised, though, when he turns around to find Kyuhyun watching him. His eyes look sad.
“What are you doing? Do you know what time it is, Kyuhyun, really-”
“You weren’t sleeping.” He’s smiling now but there’s still something that’s not… right. Hyukjae decides it’s best to not argue so he moves back to his bed and sits down, hugging his knees to his chest like a child. He sucks his lower lip into his mouth and looks at Kyuhyun. Why is this so weird, he thinks, but then he realizes that for some reason, he’s always felt so exposed around Kyuhyun-like he did something wrong even if he didn’t do a thing. He always felt the need to apologize. “You’re not talking as much as you used to,” Kyuhyun starts, and Hyukjae already wants him to leave. “I’m worried.”
“I’m fine.” He forces out a laugh and grins, it’s so fake it hurts the corners of his mouth and he knows Kyuhyun isn’t buying it. “Really,” he pushes. It’s pointless.
“I miss you,” Kyuhyun says plainly. Hyukjae doesn’t understand. “I mean… I don’t know what I mean, actually, but I miss you.”
Hyukjae looks at him like he’s crazy. He wants to say something but he has no clue what that something is, and he’s really too tired to bother with a response. Get out says the silence, and Hyukjae falls back onto his bed and attempts to kick the blanket up to cover at least some portion of his body. The sheets simply clump together at his feet and he groans before sitting up, hands reaching forward to pull them over himself. They are sideways and barely cover his legs, his feet are sticking out and he can only fall back once more with an exasperated sigh. He’s beyond caring at this point.
“I’m not leaving,” Kyuhyun says. Hyukjae can still feel his eyes on him, and he’s starting to worry now, too. “I’m not leaving,” he repeats, softer this time.
“You’re leaving,” Hyukjae breathes, closes his eyes and he’s getting himself into something he’s going to regret.
Kyuhyun almost wants to scream but he doesn’t, because he has no excuses or general reasoning or anything but the fact that he has no clue why he’s even bothering. Kyuhyun knows that he’s leaving, but he’s not leaving yet. “I’m not,” he says with some defiance. A part of him wants to move closer to Hyukjae, to fix his stupid sheets and climb underneath them-it’s only a small, small part of him and it’s the weakest part of him to ever exist. He likes to pretend that weakness is caused by someone, something other than Hyukjae… sometimes he sits and thinks about why he can never forget that Hyukjae is the only one who makes him like this.
Hyukjae’s body shifts and he’s facing the wall, facing away from Kyuhyun and from the way the skin of his cheek is tightened slightly, his jaw clenched a bit more than usual, Kyuhyun knows he’s biting his lip. He’s not sure if he should say something more or if he should just leave, so he resorts to just standing there. There’s something comforting about the silence, like the tension and satisfaction you get from completing a jigsaw puzzle with only one piece missing. It’s perfect but it’s far from it, and Kyuhyun has no clue how to deal with any of this.
“You’re leaving because you always leave,” Hyukjae says suddenly and Kyuhyun finally takes that step towards him. Hyukjae is still biting his lip. “You’ll be in China in three months. You always leave.”
“I miss you.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
He doesn’t mean it when he gets mad, but Kyuhyun is never really sure of what he means and what he doesn’t. The few steps forward bring him closer to Hyukjae’s bed and they feel like the heaviest steps he’s ever taken, like this was life or death and he hated how fucking stupid this was. Hyukjae is tense, Kyuhyun can see it in the way the muscles of his back are more defined than they usually are, the way his hands are knotted together and fidgeting just like when it’s storming and Hyukjae knocks three times on Kyuhyun’s door so he can come out and sing to him and make it all better, the way he gasps when Kyuhyun grabs his shoulder and pushes him down on his back so he can look at him and not that damn wall.
“I miss you,” Hyukjae suddenly has the urge to punch Kyuhyun until his face is nothing but a bloody mess. “I miss you, talk to me.”
The words Hyukjae had thought up were drops of super glue sticking to his tongue and they would never get past his lips, never make their way into Kyuhyun’s ears for him to laugh and say fuck you, hyung but Hyukjae can’t find any humor in the blackness that is Kyuhyun’s irises. “Leave,” he manages to say but it’s all still pointless and Kyuhyun stays.
“I’m right here, Hyukjae,” Kyuhyun’s voice is shaky and quiet and he knows that he’s being exposed to so much more than Hyukjae’s half-naked body. “I’m right here, please just talk to me, I’m your fucking friend, okay, I’m allowed to worry about this stuff-”
“This means nothing,” Hyukjae spits out before sitting up and wrapping his arms around Kyuhyun so tight that he doesn’t even expect Kyuhyun to return the favor. He buries his face into Kyuhyun’s neck and just holds him, holds him because he misses him already and he’ll be gone for so long and he hates this stupid kid for being everything he’s always wanted but could never have but he’s always had him, always, but he’s selfish and always isn’t long enough. “I hate myself,” he mumbles against Kyuhyun’s neck and he’s trying really hard not to cry. “I hate myself for being like this, Kyuhyun, I get so scared that I’m letting all of you down and I miss Kibum, fuck, it’s not the same without him on stage, I miss Junsu what the fuck it feels like I haven’t talked to him in forever and I feel like I’m not practicing enough, I should be working harder and I really miss all of us being together all the time and, and-”
Kyuhyun can’t really talk but he manages to gasp out oh my god shut up and Hyukjae lets his arms fall to his sides because he’s never felt so childish before, not in his entire life. Kyuhyun is staring at him with wide eyes that he’s sure are laughing at him but he can’t bear to look, he can hardly think right now because all he wants to do is hit his head against the wall.
“Nobody is leaving you, Hyukjae,” are the first words that come out of Kyuhyun’s mouth once he can breathe properly and he wants to give Hyukjae the world when he sits back against the wall and curls up into a ball once again, but he’s still hovering over him like some predator and he realizes that he should probably fix that. It’s sort of awkward, Kyuhyun moving to sit beside Hyukjae and taking his hands into his own, resting his head against his shoulder. But Hyukjae’s hands squeeze, they hold on tight and his fingers interlace perfectly with Kyuhyun’s and it’s not so awkward anymore.
“I know,” Hyukjae says quietly, but Kyuhyun is already asleep.
pairing: kyuhyun/hyukjae
rating: pg-13
words: 1,621
There’s something about being back on stage as a (nearly) complete group once more that makes one extremely self-conscious of their image. Night after night, the single thought that runs through their head is do your best, do your best, do your best… there’s a million eyes on you and you have to make a name for yourself, you have to be recognized, you have to stand out, do your best… it’s almost tiring. So sleep is lost, and eyes remain open late into the night, staring at the ceiling. It’s not so much thinking that causes it, but worrying. The stress aspect is what gets to some.
Some being Lee Hyukjae, Eunhyuk, the jewel of Super Junior. He thinks I want to be taller, damn it, but he knows that he can move his body the way he wants it to move, so that’s okay. For now, at least. He’s tired as hell but he doesn’t really care when he turns his head to the side to see the time. It’s nearly two in the morning; he has to be awake in 4 hours and he sits up to rub any sleep from his eyes. As he stands up and flicks on the light, he’s greeted by his reflection-his messy as fuck hair and his bare chest, with bags under his eyes to boot. His eyes scan over his torso and he knows he’s been working hard at this, the six-pack of muscles showing themselves off ever so slightly underneath his skin. His hipbones jut out above the waistband of his sweatpants and he makes a mental note to try and eat a bit more… though that’s kind of hard when he’s feeling sick to his stomach with anxiety most of the time. It’ll pass soon, he hopes, and he can hear his stomach grumble in response. Or maybe that’s just him.
The knock on his door nearly startles him and he ignores it, but he’s not surprised when he can hear the click of the doorknob turning and the person behind it walking in on their own accord. Privacy never really was a big deal between the members. He is surprised, though, when he turns around to find Kyuhyun watching him. His eyes look sad.
“What are you doing? Do you know what time it is, Kyuhyun, really-”
“You weren’t sleeping.” He’s smiling now but there’s still something that’s not… right. Hyukjae decides it’s best to not argue so he moves back to his bed and sits down, hugging his knees to his chest like a child. He sucks his lower lip into his mouth and looks at Kyuhyun. Why is this so weird, he thinks, but then he realizes that for some reason, he’s always felt so exposed around Kyuhyun-like he did something wrong even if he didn’t do a thing. He always felt the need to apologize. “You’re not talking as much as you used to,” Kyuhyun starts, and Hyukjae already wants him to leave. “I’m worried.”
“I’m fine.” He forces out a laugh and grins, it’s so fake it hurts the corners of his mouth and he knows Kyuhyun isn’t buying it. “Really,” he pushes. It’s pointless.
“I miss you,” Kyuhyun says plainly. Hyukjae doesn’t understand. “I mean… I don’t know what I mean, actually, but I miss you.”
Hyukjae looks at him like he’s crazy. He wants to say something but he has no clue what that something is, and he’s really too tired to bother with a response. Get out says the silence, and Hyukjae falls back onto his bed and attempts to kick the blanket up to cover at least some portion of his body. The sheets simply clump together at his feet and he groans before sitting up, hands reaching forward to pull them over himself. They are sideways and barely cover his legs, his feet are sticking out and he can only fall back once more with an exasperated sigh. He’s beyond caring at this point.
“I’m not leaving,” Kyuhyun says. Hyukjae can still feel his eyes on him, and he’s starting to worry now, too. “I’m not leaving,” he repeats, softer this time.
“You’re leaving,” Hyukjae breathes, closes his eyes and he’s getting himself into something he’s going to regret.
Kyuhyun almost wants to scream but he doesn’t, because he has no excuses or general reasoning or anything but the fact that he has no clue why he’s even bothering. Kyuhyun knows that he’s leaving, but he’s not leaving yet. “I’m not,” he says with some defiance. A part of him wants to move closer to Hyukjae, to fix his stupid sheets and climb underneath them-it’s only a small, small part of him and it’s the weakest part of him to ever exist. He likes to pretend that weakness is caused by someone, something other than Hyukjae… sometimes he sits and thinks about why he can never forget that Hyukjae is the only one who makes him like this.
Hyukjae’s body shifts and he’s facing the wall, facing away from Kyuhyun and from the way the skin of his cheek is tightened slightly, his jaw clenched a bit more than usual, Kyuhyun knows he’s biting his lip. He’s not sure if he should say something more or if he should just leave, so he resorts to just standing there. There’s something comforting about the silence, like the tension and satisfaction you get from completing a jigsaw puzzle with only one piece missing. It’s perfect but it’s far from it, and Kyuhyun has no clue how to deal with any of this.
“You’re leaving because you always leave,” Hyukjae says suddenly and Kyuhyun finally takes that step towards him. Hyukjae is still biting his lip. “You’ll be in China in three months. You always leave.”
“I miss you.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
He doesn’t mean it when he gets mad, but Kyuhyun is never really sure of what he means and what he doesn’t. The few steps forward bring him closer to Hyukjae’s bed and they feel like the heaviest steps he’s ever taken, like this was life or death and he hated how fucking stupid this was. Hyukjae is tense, Kyuhyun can see it in the way the muscles of his back are more defined than they usually are, the way his hands are knotted together and fidgeting just like when it’s storming and Hyukjae knocks three times on Kyuhyun’s door so he can come out and sing to him and make it all better, the way he gasps when Kyuhyun grabs his shoulder and pushes him down on his back so he can look at him and not that damn wall.
“I miss you,” Hyukjae suddenly has the urge to punch Kyuhyun until his face is nothing but a bloody mess. “I miss you, talk to me.”
The words Hyukjae had thought up were drops of super glue sticking to his tongue and they would never get past his lips, never make their way into Kyuhyun’s ears for him to laugh and say fuck you, hyung but Hyukjae can’t find any humor in the blackness that is Kyuhyun’s irises. “Leave,” he manages to say but it’s all still pointless and Kyuhyun stays.
“I’m right here, Hyukjae,” Kyuhyun’s voice is shaky and quiet and he knows that he’s being exposed to so much more than Hyukjae’s half-naked body. “I’m right here, please just talk to me, I’m your fucking friend, okay, I’m allowed to worry about this stuff-”
“This means nothing,” Hyukjae spits out before sitting up and wrapping his arms around Kyuhyun so tight that he doesn’t even expect Kyuhyun to return the favor. He buries his face into Kyuhyun’s neck and just holds him, holds him because he misses him already and he’ll be gone for so long and he hates this stupid kid for being everything he’s always wanted but could never have but he’s always had him, always, but he’s selfish and always isn’t long enough. “I hate myself,” he mumbles against Kyuhyun’s neck and he’s trying really hard not to cry. “I hate myself for being like this, Kyuhyun, I get so scared that I’m letting all of you down and I miss Kibum, fuck, it’s not the same without him on stage, I miss Junsu what the fuck it feels like I haven’t talked to him in forever and I feel like I’m not practicing enough, I should be working harder and I really miss all of us being together all the time and, and-”
Kyuhyun can’t really talk but he manages to gasp out oh my god shut up and Hyukjae lets his arms fall to his sides because he’s never felt so childish before, not in his entire life. Kyuhyun is staring at him with wide eyes that he’s sure are laughing at him but he can’t bear to look, he can hardly think right now because all he wants to do is hit his head against the wall.
“Nobody is leaving you, Hyukjae,” are the first words that come out of Kyuhyun’s mouth once he can breathe properly and he wants to give Hyukjae the world when he sits back against the wall and curls up into a ball once again, but he’s still hovering over him like some predator and he realizes that he should probably fix that. It’s sort of awkward, Kyuhyun moving to sit beside Hyukjae and taking his hands into his own, resting his head against his shoulder. But Hyukjae’s hands squeeze, they hold on tight and his fingers interlace perfectly with Kyuhyun’s and it’s not so awkward anymore.
“I know,” Hyukjae says quietly, but Kyuhyun is already asleep.