An old favorite...
So I'm going through all of my old journal entries.
There have been a lot of tears. And a lot of laughing. And a lot of reminders about how much I used to love writing.
I found this and it's simply titled "Prologue." I don't think I ever finished it. But it is one of my favorite pieces that I've ever written.
This was our place once. We used to come out here every night and stare at the stars. Mom wants to get rid of our rock. Actually, she’s doing it. The landscapers are coming tomorrow to take it out. The yard will look so empty without it. Even though the once huge stone has broken apart into several pieces, it still looks as though it belongs in the yard. Sitting out here isn’t the same without you. Dark, cold, and lonely. These feelings have become a cancerous tumor that just won’t go away. Mom let the garden die. The rose bushes don’t have their pink buds anymore. You always said they were ugly anyways. We never had the same taste in flowers. You always bought the wrong thing, but I didn’t say anything. It was the thought that counted. Or so I thought. The grass is tall enough to tickle when I walk through it. The stars are barely visible - not as bright as they used to be. I guess the stars miss you too.
The baseball fields have been destroyed. The neighborhood’s gotten too old to have such a horrible commotion run through it everyday. You wouldn’t believe all the new neighbors we have. They’ve destroyed us. This is a retirement neighborhood now. We can’t have crazy baseball parents running around all day. The fence pulled and the bleachers taken away - you wouldn’t recognize it at all. A threshold lies where the pitcher’s mound once stood. The grass isn’t nearly as green. I guess once it’s lived on for a period of time, it becomes old and worn. The trees are all gone. That would be your biggest disappointment. I almost cried for you when they started cutting them down. But instead Mom made me introduce myself to the new neighbors. They were a young couple but very wealthy. The ugly goatee on his chin looks just like yours. They have two dogs and kids. The kids like to play catch in the front yard. It’s funny how something is only beautiful after it’s gone.
You told me once that we were the forever kind. I thought I knew what you meant, but as far as I know forever never ended. I guess forever was another one of your lies. You talked so much, and everything always made sense. I made them make sense because I needed to understand. Now everything I remember hearing is just a jumble of words being thrown back and forth, not ever being heard. The words that came out of your mouth were once so beautiful. Now I don’t even remember how your tongue sounds. Disappearing was something I thought you could never do. And in a way you still haven’t. Your ugly eyes still haunt my dreams at night. The most haunting part is that they’re not ugly.
Every night when I close my eyes, you’re there. We smile and laugh and I feel you in bed next to me. Your arms wrap around me like they always did, and they stay there through the night. Your skin is so much warmer than mine. You’ve always kept me safe and warm like this. There’s always flowers and sunlight where you’re hiding. Ear-splitting noise from an old alarm clock greets us for a moment. Then I’m lying in bed, alone, like I was the night before. There’s no flowers, no rain, no warmth. My skin feels empty and lifeless as the frozen air greets it. Cold rain waits for me to start another day. But your eyes stay on my mind.
Sometimes I wish I could just say goodbye.
“Jenny!!” Mom’s calling me from the window now. Mom doesn’t really understand what’s going on for me. She tells me she’s sorry and she loves me, but I don’t want that. I’m completely alone in the world and my family makes me sick. It’s funny how a stupid little holiday can make a whole family act like they like each other. I’ll go in there and they’ll ask about you. They’ll throw your name around like it’s not so hurtful to hear - Rory. I’ll have to say we’re friends and that what you did wasn’t really that bad. Smile and tell them you’re okay and school’s going good for you. I honestly have no idea. You could be miserable, but I can’t tell them that. I never really knew how hard this could be. I guess you know that better than I do, though. You’re whole life has been pretend.
That’s how I got here in the first place.
“We’re going to Connecticut for Christmas. I’ll be gone throughout New Year’s. Sorry Honey.” My heart froze when you broke yet another promise. You always chose the worst time to do it. We would have an incredible day together. We’d go to lunch and the mall and spend all our time laughing. Then the kiss goodbye would come, and so would your words of heartbreak.
“It’s alright. We’ll just party when you get back.” I winked and rubbed up against your chest. I always pretended like I’d be okay. You would get mad at me if I got upset about it.
“I look forward to it...A lot.” Your grin always amazed me. Tonight was no different. “What are you going to do on New Year’s?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I’ll probably just stay at home. Everyone else made plans already.”
“You should ask to go along,” You pushed. You always tried to make me hang out with other people. Other people made me feel lonely because they’d talk about you. I didn’t want to hear about it. New Year’s was already the loneliest night of the year.
“No, I’ll be alright. I’ll get to hang out with my sister.” I shrugged. I knew that my sister already had plans, but I didn’t want you to know that I’d rather be alone than hang out with my so-called “friends.”
“Ok, have fun!”
“Bye Babe. I love you.”
“Love you too!” You shouted as you climbed into your car. Instead of watching you drive away like I always used to, I turned and walked inside so your headlights wouldn’t catch my tears.
Most of our nights ended like that. You muttering a barely audible “love you too.” You stopped saying it first a long time ago. The meaning disappeared I guess. Or maybe you really didn’t love me anymore. Who knows? You’ve never really explained yourself anyway. I don’t think I would believe you if you tried. So the “I love you” was gone. I felt like maybe I shouldn’t have said it. You gave me a regretful look every time I did. I should have guessed. You didn’t want to be connected to me in that way anymore. You had started talking about having more friends who were girls, now. You told me stories about the things you did with them in school, but claimed that nothing was coming of it. I should have known.
“Kels, I really don’t want to go.” I whined. New Year’s Eve had rolled around and Kelsey was dragging me to a party. She even made me drive. Usually I would have loved to go, but all I had wanted to do was sit at home alone and missing you. I hadn’t heard from you since you left before Christmas and it had been the longest I’d ever gone without talking to you. I wasn’t in the mood to party. We pulled up to the house and at first I didn’t notice your car. We drove around the block once due to lack of parking and tried to pull around again. Luckily there was a newly opened spot.
“You know you’ll have...” Kelsey stopped mid-sentence.
“What?” I turned to look at her only to find her straight ahead. I followed her gaze to the car parked in front of us - your car.
“Hey Jenn!” My cousin’s large grin greeted me to the card table my parents had put out for Thanksgiving. You and I had eaten at this table many times - there was never room at the big table. I smiled at her and took my seat, knowing we’d have to wait our turn to go to the buffet.
“Hey Case.” I plastered on my best smile. You’ve seen it a thousand times. You helped me perfect it. I used it every time I caught you lying.
“Where’s Rory?” She was the first to ask.
“He and I broke up.”
“”What? Why did you and Rory break up?!?” Casey’s aunt called to me from the other side of the room. That’s two.
“You and Rory broke up? Jennifer!” My grandmother scolded from her place in the kitchen. That’s three. It’s been less than five minutes. I want to go back outside, but you’ll haunt me there, too.
“Jenn, wait. Let’s just go home.” Kelsey grabbed my elbow, trying to pull me back to the car. Luckily I was stronger than she was. I pulled free and ran into the house, leaving the door open behind me.
“Jenn!” You jumped up from your place on the couch. Your arm had been wrapped loosely around her waist. You thought I hadn’t seen, but I did.
“What are you doing here?” Everyone had turned to look at us. All the people I had called my friends before I met you just stood there and watched. They all knew what you were doing, but didn’t seem to care. Nice friends.
“We got home today. Mike told me you’d be here, so I thought I’d surprise you.”
“Ha!” I laughed and turned to Mike, knowing he hadn’t even talked to you. He turned away quickly. “Then why is she here?” I pointed to her. She looked up with a smug grin.
“I...” Before you could answer, I turned and ran out the door.
You followed me home that night. It just figures that I crashed and let you stay the night at my house. My parents had asked you to leave, but I screamed and fought for you. Eventually they caved as well. I should have made you leave, though. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much when you left for good. I should have known. That night led to hundreds of fights. There was no trust left. It’s funny how something is only beautiful after it’s gone.
There have been a lot of tears. And a lot of laughing. And a lot of reminders about how much I used to love writing.
I found this and it's simply titled "Prologue." I don't think I ever finished it. But it is one of my favorite pieces that I've ever written.
This was our place once. We used to come out here every night and stare at the stars. Mom wants to get rid of our rock. Actually, she’s doing it. The landscapers are coming tomorrow to take it out. The yard will look so empty without it. Even though the once huge stone has broken apart into several pieces, it still looks as though it belongs in the yard. Sitting out here isn’t the same without you. Dark, cold, and lonely. These feelings have become a cancerous tumor that just won’t go away. Mom let the garden die. The rose bushes don’t have their pink buds anymore. You always said they were ugly anyways. We never had the same taste in flowers. You always bought the wrong thing, but I didn’t say anything. It was the thought that counted. Or so I thought. The grass is tall enough to tickle when I walk through it. The stars are barely visible - not as bright as they used to be. I guess the stars miss you too.
The baseball fields have been destroyed. The neighborhood’s gotten too old to have such a horrible commotion run through it everyday. You wouldn’t believe all the new neighbors we have. They’ve destroyed us. This is a retirement neighborhood now. We can’t have crazy baseball parents running around all day. The fence pulled and the bleachers taken away - you wouldn’t recognize it at all. A threshold lies where the pitcher’s mound once stood. The grass isn’t nearly as green. I guess once it’s lived on for a period of time, it becomes old and worn. The trees are all gone. That would be your biggest disappointment. I almost cried for you when they started cutting them down. But instead Mom made me introduce myself to the new neighbors. They were a young couple but very wealthy. The ugly goatee on his chin looks just like yours. They have two dogs and kids. The kids like to play catch in the front yard. It’s funny how something is only beautiful after it’s gone.
You told me once that we were the forever kind. I thought I knew what you meant, but as far as I know forever never ended. I guess forever was another one of your lies. You talked so much, and everything always made sense. I made them make sense because I needed to understand. Now everything I remember hearing is just a jumble of words being thrown back and forth, not ever being heard. The words that came out of your mouth were once so beautiful. Now I don’t even remember how your tongue sounds. Disappearing was something I thought you could never do. And in a way you still haven’t. Your ugly eyes still haunt my dreams at night. The most haunting part is that they’re not ugly.
Every night when I close my eyes, you’re there. We smile and laugh and I feel you in bed next to me. Your arms wrap around me like they always did, and they stay there through the night. Your skin is so much warmer than mine. You’ve always kept me safe and warm like this. There’s always flowers and sunlight where you’re hiding. Ear-splitting noise from an old alarm clock greets us for a moment. Then I’m lying in bed, alone, like I was the night before. There’s no flowers, no rain, no warmth. My skin feels empty and lifeless as the frozen air greets it. Cold rain waits for me to start another day. But your eyes stay on my mind.
Sometimes I wish I could just say goodbye.
“Jenny!!” Mom’s calling me from the window now. Mom doesn’t really understand what’s going on for me. She tells me she’s sorry and she loves me, but I don’t want that. I’m completely alone in the world and my family makes me sick. It’s funny how a stupid little holiday can make a whole family act like they like each other. I’ll go in there and they’ll ask about you. They’ll throw your name around like it’s not so hurtful to hear - Rory. I’ll have to say we’re friends and that what you did wasn’t really that bad. Smile and tell them you’re okay and school’s going good for you. I honestly have no idea. You could be miserable, but I can’t tell them that. I never really knew how hard this could be. I guess you know that better than I do, though. You’re whole life has been pretend.
That’s how I got here in the first place.
“We’re going to Connecticut for Christmas. I’ll be gone throughout New Year’s. Sorry Honey.” My heart froze when you broke yet another promise. You always chose the worst time to do it. We would have an incredible day together. We’d go to lunch and the mall and spend all our time laughing. Then the kiss goodbye would come, and so would your words of heartbreak.
“It’s alright. We’ll just party when you get back.” I winked and rubbed up against your chest. I always pretended like I’d be okay. You would get mad at me if I got upset about it.
“I look forward to it...A lot.” Your grin always amazed me. Tonight was no different. “What are you going to do on New Year’s?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I’ll probably just stay at home. Everyone else made plans already.”
“You should ask to go along,” You pushed. You always tried to make me hang out with other people. Other people made me feel lonely because they’d talk about you. I didn’t want to hear about it. New Year’s was already the loneliest night of the year.
“No, I’ll be alright. I’ll get to hang out with my sister.” I shrugged. I knew that my sister already had plans, but I didn’t want you to know that I’d rather be alone than hang out with my so-called “friends.”
“Ok, have fun!”
“Bye Babe. I love you.”
“Love you too!” You shouted as you climbed into your car. Instead of watching you drive away like I always used to, I turned and walked inside so your headlights wouldn’t catch my tears.
Most of our nights ended like that. You muttering a barely audible “love you too.” You stopped saying it first a long time ago. The meaning disappeared I guess. Or maybe you really didn’t love me anymore. Who knows? You’ve never really explained yourself anyway. I don’t think I would believe you if you tried. So the “I love you” was gone. I felt like maybe I shouldn’t have said it. You gave me a regretful look every time I did. I should have guessed. You didn’t want to be connected to me in that way anymore. You had started talking about having more friends who were girls, now. You told me stories about the things you did with them in school, but claimed that nothing was coming of it. I should have known.
“Kels, I really don’t want to go.” I whined. New Year’s Eve had rolled around and Kelsey was dragging me to a party. She even made me drive. Usually I would have loved to go, but all I had wanted to do was sit at home alone and missing you. I hadn’t heard from you since you left before Christmas and it had been the longest I’d ever gone without talking to you. I wasn’t in the mood to party. We pulled up to the house and at first I didn’t notice your car. We drove around the block once due to lack of parking and tried to pull around again. Luckily there was a newly opened spot.
“You know you’ll have...” Kelsey stopped mid-sentence.
“What?” I turned to look at her only to find her straight ahead. I followed her gaze to the car parked in front of us - your car.
“Hey Jenn!” My cousin’s large grin greeted me to the card table my parents had put out for Thanksgiving. You and I had eaten at this table many times - there was never room at the big table. I smiled at her and took my seat, knowing we’d have to wait our turn to go to the buffet.
“Hey Case.” I plastered on my best smile. You’ve seen it a thousand times. You helped me perfect it. I used it every time I caught you lying.
“Where’s Rory?” She was the first to ask.
“He and I broke up.”
“”What? Why did you and Rory break up?!?” Casey’s aunt called to me from the other side of the room. That’s two.
“You and Rory broke up? Jennifer!” My grandmother scolded from her place in the kitchen. That’s three. It’s been less than five minutes. I want to go back outside, but you’ll haunt me there, too.
“Jenn, wait. Let’s just go home.” Kelsey grabbed my elbow, trying to pull me back to the car. Luckily I was stronger than she was. I pulled free and ran into the house, leaving the door open behind me.
“Jenn!” You jumped up from your place on the couch. Your arm had been wrapped loosely around her waist. You thought I hadn’t seen, but I did.
“What are you doing here?” Everyone had turned to look at us. All the people I had called my friends before I met you just stood there and watched. They all knew what you were doing, but didn’t seem to care. Nice friends.
“We got home today. Mike told me you’d be here, so I thought I’d surprise you.”
“Ha!” I laughed and turned to Mike, knowing he hadn’t even talked to you. He turned away quickly. “Then why is she here?” I pointed to her. She looked up with a smug grin.
“I...” Before you could answer, I turned and ran out the door.
You followed me home that night. It just figures that I crashed and let you stay the night at my house. My parents had asked you to leave, but I screamed and fought for you. Eventually they caved as well. I should have made you leave, though. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much when you left for good. I should have known. That night led to hundreds of fights. There was no trust left. It’s funny how something is only beautiful after it’s gone.