The consequences of being easy

[erishkiegal]

            People take me for granted. My desires are not considered because I do not demand they be fulfilled. My feelings are not considered because I try not to let them explode all over people even when I am hurt or upset. My time is not respected and my company is not valued because I am always available whenever they want me. Frequently

Comments

[brianbloom]

I am hearing or inferring from what you wrote that much of your decision-making about reasonableness/unpacking baggage/fairness seem to be based on reactive feedback.. Which means that in those cases you're defining good/bad and right/wrong on how the other person responds or complains. But that's independent of you, and hinges solely on how the other person plays the interaction game. ..All of which is a long-winded way of observing that perhaps the problem isn't really you

[erishkiegal]

Hmmm, not all of my definitions are based on feedback. Some are, but some, like baggage unpacking, are based on a "least possible" scale unless another action is specifically requested by my partner. If my partner wants to see what's in those steamer trunks, I warn them it's messy, and they still want to check it out then I'll drag out whatever they want to look at. I'm not bitter that I do these things for my partners. Usually, if the relationship lasts long enough, my baggage gets slowly unpacked one piece at a time and they gradually get introduced to my neurosis. As to some of the other things, well, I always LIKE being able to spend time with loved ones and do things that make them happy so it's not a sacrifice. I just wish it were more frequently reciprocal

[brianbloom]

So it's sounding like the problem dissects into a few related issues

[erishkiegal]

Just to clarify (not to nitpick) the respecting my time is more about actually paying attention to me when I am there and NOT canceling on me when we've made plans or actually telling me if you aren't going to want me to come over at a time when I usually do. I will gladly give as much time as I can and leave if I must, but I like to have people actually pay attention to me when I am there

[dwights]

I'd simply say that you should be easy because you want to be easy. Because being so is being the sort of person that you want to be. Then you (easier said than done) find someone who is innately the same and who won't take you for granted. But if you're being easy just for the sake of your partner, you are doing nothing but distorting yourself and projecting a false front. Better that all parties go in to the relationship having as true of a picture of each other as possible. Admittedly there will always be the honeymoon period where you are steeped in NRE/serotonin tripping. Perhaps that could even play in to some of your own issues around this. Perhaps you really dose hard on the NRE energy and it is blinding you to who your new partner really is. So when the NRE blindness wears off you are now no longer as accepting of who your partner has been all along. Then you have a two fold path to examine: how can you be more aware from the start and can you accept that you were willing to accept this at first, so can you change your own