Fic: Sherlock Holmes' Diary - February II
Title: Sherlock Holmes' Diary - February
Fandom: Sherlock (BBC), Bridget Jones' Diary
Pairing: Unrequited Sherlock/John
Rating: PG - Language or whatever I suppose.
Word Count: 9,500. Ish.
Summary: Sherlock Holmes keeps a diary. No one is supposed to know about it. He's pretty sure Mycroft does though, the fat nosy git.
Notes/Warnings: This is a fusion for Sherlock and Bridget Jones' Diary so there will be similarities. Many thanks to
oxfordtweed for
holding my hand and kicking my arse as required and putting up with all the flail and just. Everything. It wouldn't have been written without
you. Also presented with a very happy birthday to the rather lovely Raggedy Hipster. Hope it was gorgeous dear. Oh my god did I mention I got fanart?? How cool is that? I'm completely overwhelmed by the response this bit of silliness got, thank you all so much for dropping by and telling me you liked it.
January
Part I
February 14th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 5 Valentine’s 1 (but was from Molly)
1005 No card or anything. But is early yet.
1200 Still nothing. John has spent morning reading, shows no sign of any sort of gesture, romantic or otherwise. Scratched his nose once though.
1205 John received a text. Raised eyebrows.
“Harry says she might be able to set me up with one of her friends tonight.”
“Well?” Say no say no say no say-
“I haven’t got anything else on.”
Huh. Going to morgue.
1210 Molly gave me Terry’s Chocolate Orange. I gave her a Milk Tray, which she seems to think is the height of taste. Terry’s is better. It’s a chocolate shaped like an orange, a curiously satisfying confection.
1215 Shared some of Milk Tray over tea.
“So why aren’t you off with your hot doctor?”
“His sister has got him a date.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Why would you be sorry?”
She looked non-plussed. “Because... It’s Valentine’s Day and your ideal Valentine is off with another girl?”
“Valentine’s Day is ridiculous anyway; I don’t understand why you would bother even trying when the other person is just going to cheat on you and dump you over the phone whilst their new lover giggles in the background.”
“Er...” Molly was looking at me oddly. Then she got out the custard creams.
1230 Feel better for talking to Molly. She says that I should not allow my past to rule my present, and also realise that I do not need a physical relationship to be happy, and instead should cultivate close platonic relationships, based on mutual trust, respect and interests.
“And custard creams?”
“And custard creams.” And she handed me another one.
1530 Molly just left early. She has a date. Huh.
1545 Oops. Have accidentally knocked all the paper-clips into the bin. Can’t use them now; they’ll be dirty. Will have to get some from Molly’s office.
1600 Molly left Google open. Well. She left her computer on. Well. I accidentally knocked the power-button and though I should make sure that it didn’t stop anything from working. Which can sometimes happen.
1700 She also left her e-mail logged in. Well. She left it open. There was a shortcut on her desktop. Date uses ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ and smiley faces like punctuation. Also clearly called Laurence but calls himself ‘Lar’. What is that all about?
1730 Route home took me past restaurant where Molly was with date. He has dyed the ends of his hair blond and then gelled it up. Amazed she’s even wasting her time with him. Trying to retain youth with stupid hair and horrible shirt. Also tiny beard. Looks like a mouse is desperately clinging to his chin. Mobile expensive, ostentatiously out on table. Packet of cigarettes sticking out of pocket of expensive Italian leather jacket. One of those huge watches that do everything, even though one only uses it to check date/time. Eyes mainly on Molly’s neckline, don’t know if she’s noticed, she’s terrible at things like that. She’s looking quite pretty though. I don’t understand why she doesn’t wear blue more often.
1735 Oh, there’s a coffee shop across the road. I might just stop for a bit.
1845 They seem to be getting on alright. Something not right about him. Very white teeth though.
1900 Molly must have gone to freshen up. He paid, and is now waiting outside in his car.
1930 Knew there was something off about him. Tan line where a wedding ring should be. Company car had a child’s toy in the back. Long receipt tucked into ash-tray, longer than a recent bachelor paying child support, legal fees, would need. Also saw the word ‘tampons’. Needed to be tactful though. Tapped on the window and made that bizarre rolling-down motion everyone does despite the fact modern cars have buttons now.
“So, I suppose you’re a recent divorcee.”
“Er... Yes...” He looked wary. One hand instantly flew to where his ring used to be, and then forced itself down again. So dull when they telegraph their guilt.
“And the toy in the back is your... Nephew’s?”
“Yes.” Suspicious now, but smooth. Practised that one.
“And you’ve been doing your sister’s shopping?”
“What?”
I indicated the receipt. His hand darted to it.
“Oh, but surely if it’s just your sister’s shopping, you’ve nothing to hide.” His hand slowly moved away.
“Sorry, I’ve been staying at hers since the divorce.” He smiled at me.
“Sherlock? What on earth are you doing here?”
“Ah, Molly. Lar here is a good friend of mine. He was just telling me about how he’s been staying at his sister’s.”
She looked from me to him. He was sweating.
“I thought you said you had your own place?”
1945 Apparently I am an interfering nosy arsehole. I also need to research what girls keep in their handbags. I have a feeling bricks are involved. I have bruises all over.
1950 I don’t understand why she was so cross. Or why she had to be so violent. Saved her a lot of heartbreak, in the long run.
2030 Got home. John was watching television.
“Causing mischief?” He greeted me.
“No. What happened to your date?”
“She got a better offer.” What?
“Clearly she’s a fool.” Did I say that out loud?
“What?”
Apparently I did. Blast. I put on my most innocent expression. He laughed, so maybe it worked.
“You know, that’s exactly the same expression you use when you try to stealthily insult Lestrade?” Maybe not.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Think I may be a little hysterical.
2045 He’s watching the rugby highlights. All these men in little shorts and tight shirts. John used to play rugby- it said on his blog. Wonder if he had to wear those long socks as well. It’s not like he doesn’t have the calf muscles for it. Maybe he still has his old uniform in the closet, tight shorts and all. Oh my.
“Sherlock, do you want a cup- are you alright?”
“Er, what?” I bet his arms looked really nice.
“Well, you’ve gone all red.” Oh no.
“I’m er. Sitting too close to the fire.” Good save.
“Right... Tea?”
“Yes please.” I watched him go through to the kitchen. Tiny shorts. Gosh.
2050 The fire isn’t actually lit, I notice.
2130 The news is so melodramatic. “The Major’s Madness” indeed. The man is clearly out of his head on steroids.
February 15th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 4 Cases 1 (Glorious) Amount of time spent thinking about John Watson in his rugby uniform 2 hours (Better)
0930 “Is your morning free?” John was texting someone, very slowly. Don’t know why he bothers with it. Kind of endearing (but everything he does is kind of endearing) but still have to resist urge to snatch it off him.
“Yes?”
“I might have a case for you.” Oh my. Christmas.
“Really?” I am cool. Collected. No hint of a tail wagging. Much.
“Hide your enthusiasm.” John sounded a little hurt. Too much cool. “At least meet with the man. I knew him in the Army, he’s a good bloke. Says he’ll be over at ten.”
1000 It’s that Major from the news. The boxer. Him and John shook hands in a way that looked like it hurt, but he didn’t actually crush my hand, which was nice of him. Oh damn. Left tape recorder at morgue. On Molly’s desk, I think. Asked John to take notes, though I’ll do it too. We can compare that way. Major is a brute of a man, absolutely enormous. Played rugby with John in the Army. (More tiny shorts- FOCUS) and after honourable discharge took up boxing. Out on bail after apparently running mad and drunk after disappearance of kitten. When officer attempted to talk to him, hit officer.
“She were new, you see, Mister Holmes. I was keeping her in the study till she was a bit settled, like. And when I got home, she weren’t there. I wouldn’t mind, except she was supposed to be a gift for my daughter. Last one in the shop in the whole of the city, as far as I can tell. Searched for hours for the silly thing. And, well, I’d had a few and I suppose I went a little bananas.” He gave me a rueful smile.
“You should learn to close doors.” I told him. “I’m not a lost and found, I’m a detective.”
“Yeah, I know that. You only like the interesting cases, Watson said.”
“Well?”
“There’s no way the cat could have got out. The door was tight shut and so were the windows. I made sure of it. Someone must’ve taken her. I couldn’t bear to disappoint our Candice, Mister Holmes, and Watson said you were the best of the best.” Did he now? John was just looking at me across the table. Probably should try not to look to keen.
“Well, I’ll give it a look.”
1045 At Major’s house. Large nouveau-riche place in West London. (Good lord, am turning into mother.) Bottle blonde woman in pink greeted us. Ostentatious gold jewellery, no wedding band. Make-up heavily inspired by WAG Barbie, sunbed tan. Introduced as partner Rosie.
“I didn’t even want the horrid thing. All it did was cry. When you went near it, when you didn’t go near it. You should’ve heard it squeak when he put that silly collar on it.” She complained as she led us all down the expensively tasteless hallway (I don’t understand why you would put a big empty bowl on a table in the middle of a hallway. It makes no sense).
“Silly collar?” John asked, apparently out of politeness.
“Yeah, one of those daft rhinestone things- all these red and white ones, you know? I told him there was no point, the stupid thing didn’t appreciate it at all. I told him that he should just get it a cloth one and buy me this lovely bracelet I saw at Harrod’s, absolutely gorgeous...” Poor John. He was nodding along like one of those nodding dogs. It was kind of adorable actually- FOCUS.
We were in the study, there were all the Major’s trophies and medals, and a desk with a phone, a computer and in the corner an entertainment system in front of one of those strange machines that look like an elaborate torture device or sex toy, and a couch. The television was gone, but the DVD player and game thing were still there.
“It’s in the shop,” the Major explained. “Something broke. I don’t know, but it was under warranty, so I just called the shop.”
He had a picture of the rugby team that him and John were in together in the Army. Gosh. My hypothesis about the shirt was right. Um. Very much so. And the... tiny shorts. Um. Indeed.
“Who...” Stop staring, you look mental. “Who was home when the kitten went missing?” Maybe I could sneakily take a photo.
“That would be Rosie. I had to go to training. But I locked up tight before I left. Double checked and everything.”
“And she didn’t get out when the TV repairmen came, because I let ‘em in and she were lying on the couch. Then I made ‘em tea and told them about the stupid thing so they knew not to let it out.” Rosie was leaning against the door frame. “Then they took the telly with them, and it wasn’t here any more.”
“Did you call the technicians?”
“Yes. They swear up and down the cat didn’t get out when they opened the door. I know them from the Army, good guys.”
Rosie rounded on the Major. “Told you you should’ve just gone down to Battersea. Anyway, it’s not like she’d even care, she’s twelve! Not to mention all those-”
“Could you shut up? I’m trying to think.” I cut her off. Her voice was rising in pitch at every word. She looked affronted.
“Oh, yes, and how is staring at that picture going to help?” Oh.
“Must examine everything!” Had I gone red? “Anything could be a clue.” Oh god I had gone red. Why was John grinning?
1100 Examination of room shows cat was present. Safe hidden behind dull painting, probably a couple of heirlooms and papers. Window locked, only one door into room. Hmm.
1135 There’s more to this than just a runaway cat. A man like the Major wouldn’t care about the cost of buying a new kitten, and the child would never know about the original kitten. I’m missing something. Something big.
1145 Asked John about the Major.
“Good bloke. Dependable. But you know, bit of a wide boy. You could trust him with your life, though. But he was always in on some scheme or other. One time, him and these other blokes knocked off a whole crate of beans, and-”
“That’s not important.” I interrupted. He looked hurt. “Why would he be so bothered about this cat?”
“Because it was the last one in the shop?”
“But not in the country. Any cat would presumably do.”
“Apparently not. Maybe it was just the perfect cat.”
“The perfect cat.”
“You know, the best purr, the perfect markings. All that.” I love it when he tells me things we both know are ridiculous, his eyes are all- FOCUS.
“Tell me about his partner.”
“You don’t know anything about her?”
“Apart from the fact that she’s his second wife, probably at least partially the result of a mid-life crisis, doesn’t like his daughter, probably because she feels threatened by her for any number of dull, banal reasons. She’s probably not only with him for his money, but it certainly helps.” (At least seven years younger than him, large, ostentatious engagement ring as well as new wedding band, wedding photo, doesn’t approve of time/money he spends on child, expensive clothes, professionally done hair, but hair looks brittle- abused by cheap dyes before then.) John was staring at me again. Like I was extraordinary.
“To be honest, that’s all I know. She likes to spend though.” John passed me one of Mrs Hudson’s scandal rags (she leaves them up here sometimes, according to John). “I saw her on the Connie Prince show.”
“Who?”
“Never mind. She quite happily spends a thousand pounds on one item of clothing.” Huh. Don’t see what’s so wrong with that.
1210 The television company still say that there was no way their men let the kitten out, and even if there was, there’s no way that they are responsible for the pet.
1800 Bit on the news about jewel robbery. Apparently burglars broke in and cleaned place out. Idiots managed to drop most of it getting away, but apparently some items still missing. Quite valuable, apparently. They caught one of them, apparently. John looked up, startled.
“Wait, who was that?”
“Some idiot got caught.” If it’d been me they wouldn’t have even known what was stolen.
“Oh my god. I was- I was in the Army with him.”
“What?” Really, was there anyone that John doesn’t know from the Army?
“That man- Jones.”
“Really?”
“Yeah... Not that bright though. Thought he knew better than that though.”
“Apparently not.”
“Look, he’s a good bloke, alright? Surely even you’ve made some mistakes in your time.” John picked up his book again.
“Did he know the Major?” I think I’m about to be brilliant.
“Yes, they used to run around together- Sherlock? Where are you going?”
1300 I love when it all falls into place like that. The Major had debts, thought that an easy robbery would get him out of it. Hid the bracelet on the kitten. The television technicians were also in on it, when they spotted the bracelet thought they could make off with it, but when the kitten started crying they just put it in the back of the television and made off. Kitten and bracelet have both returned unharmed. Major told all to Lestrade, who apparently gets called whenever my name goes out over police radio (useful fact).
0130 Home again. John looked very tired. He hadn’t said anything when I had revealed all to the Major, either.
“Well, that was certainly a good night.” I said, encouragingly.
“Yeah. Think I’ll go to bed.”
“I got it exactly.” I wasn’t boasting as such. And I certainly wasn’t trying to impress him.
“Yeah, nice one.”
“And in one day too.”
“Yeah, and now a bunch of men I know and trusted are in prison.” John pointed out. “And you’re just gloating like you beat your own time in Sudoku.”
“I don’t play Sudoku.”
“Goodnight Sherlock.”
0140 I still solved John Watson’s case though.
0220 Mahjong app tells me ‘If you live a long life, it will be a testament to your friend’s self-control.’ Huh.
16th February. Nicotine patches 4 Cigarettes 7 Cases 1
0800 Triple homicide in Putney. Brilliant start to the day, if you ask me. Can swing by the morgue and grab my tape-recorder on the way as well. Useful.
19th February. Nicotine patches 4 Cigarettes 5 (but mainly menthol)
0930 Finally got in about four am. John’s still in bed. He did a good thing last night.
0945 Think I’ll go down the shop.
1020 What am I here for again?
1022 Text from John: ‘Milk, butter, bugger off.’ Rude.
1040 John’s still in bed. Hmm. Could go and do some things at the morgue.
1130 “Do you know John used to play rugby?”
“With those little shorts and the...?” Molly bit into a custard cream thoughtfully. “Oh my.”
“Exactly.”
“He’d suit them.”
“He does. Or did.”
“You’ve seen a picture?” Molly was looking at some point behind my ear.
“Yes.”
“Well well.”
“Precisely.”
The new intern came in.
“What did I miss?” she asked. Sensible girl, that one. Got me a pint of lye without asking questions.
“John Watson’s rugby shorts.” Molly told her.
“Gosh.” She sat down next to us and took a custard cream. “You know, considering they’re so small, it’s quite a big thing to miss out on.”
Think I might be a bit hysterical.
1315 Lunch with Mike. Apparently Simon is obsessed with Pollock nowadays. Mrs Mike says I’m not allowed to take him to the art gallery next time. Apparently am not allowed to teach child anything, just park him in front of television, which will rot his brain and leave him a drooling zombie only capable of flicking channels.
1317 I always thought white was an unwise colour for a wall anyway.
1435 Go away Lestrade, I have more interesting things on than paperwork.
1500 Intern brought me tea. Such a nice girl.
1505 John came to find me. Apparently Lestrade is calling him now. Hate him.
1510 Suddenly intern brings more tea. Winked at me. May have to kill her.
1512 Molly came over.
“Hello Doctor Watson. Did you see the rugby over the weekend?” Intern choked on tea.
Think I might be a bit hysterical.
1520 Apparently we are all mad.
1900 I now have twenty-three of Lestrade’s IDs. Going to need a bigger drawer.
1905 Lestrade asked John “Did you catch the rugby last night?”
1908 “Did you say something, Sherlock?”
“No.” I don’t think the noise I just made counts as speech.
“Why are you all red?” Lestrade was grinning. Why was he grinning? I hate when he grins like that.
“Sitting by the radiator.”
1910 Ah. No radiator in here.
February 20th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 5 (better) Annoying nosy older brothers 1
0835 Woke up from a dream where Mycroft was trying to make me take on a case in a manila file. He was chasing me with it. Finally took it because was worried he was going to sit on me, and it turned out to be about testing whether toast always falls butter side down or not. Ended up with all this toast, and it kept falling on the ceiling instead of the floor, which was not part of the experiment.
0840 Wish Tubbs would stay out of my dreams though. Had one about rugby shorts the other night that he would have quite ruined.
0841 Oh god. Cannot get thought of Mycroft in rugby shorts out of head oh god oh god.
0845 But why the ceiling? Would toast even stick to the ceiling?
0930 “Sherlock, what’s that on the ceiling?”
“...Marmite.” Thought I’d got it all.
“Why?”
“To see if it would stick.” Why else?
“Oh. Did it?”
“Yes. Mostly.” And he just looked at me.
1040 All I wanted to do was go to the morgue. But no.
1045 Mycroft is waving a manila folder at me.
“This better not be about toast.”
“What?”
I’m still not taking the case.
1110 “What are you writing?” I hate when he shows an interest.
“Nothing. Notes.”
“Is it nothing, or is it notes? Stop glaring like that as well.”
“Notes about how you need to stop sneaking chocolate croissants.”
“Really, being childish will get you no where.”
“I’m not being childish.”
“Yes you are.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.” Hate him.
1130 Took the case. He’s promised me a favour though. Might come in useful.
February 24th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 5 Time spent thinking about relative merits of rugby shorts 4 (better)
0930 Text from Mycroft. ‘Childish. Your little prank scrambled three computers before was worked out.’
Text back: ‘Don’t know what you’re talking about. Always get you a tie for your birthday.’
‘Yes, but traditionally the tie does not contain what appears to be several concealed magnets. You’re lucky it didn’t make it into my office.’
Damn. Almost.
February 25th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 5 (Good) Homemade cookies 10 (probably excessive)
1020 Mrs Hudson came past with some baking.
“You need to have a tidy up in here.”
“Don’t tell me that. It’s all his paperwork from the last case.” John snapped from the kitchen. Oh. Was that why he’s been so quiet? It’s not that bad.
“It’s not that bad.”
“What are you currently balancing your tea on, Sherlock?” He folded his arms. I hate when he does that. It means he’s Made Up His Mind. I looked at the pile of paper. It fell over.
“That’s because Mrs Hudson went past it.”
“No she didn’t.”
“Here, watch that rug young man!” Mrs Hudson rushed forward. It wasn’t even that good a rug.
Why does everyone gang up on me?
February 26th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 6 Cases 0 0 0 0 0 0
1700 Think I’ll play violin.
2200 A case! Thank god. About to die. Locked room murders, always fun.
February 28th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 5 Cases 1 (Glorious)
0430 Going back to Yard. John told me I was extraordinary.
0600 Waiting for lab results has to be the most boring things in the world.
0605 Sally brought tea. Haven’t touched it. God knows what she’s done to it. Don’t understand why she’s still cross. It was five years ago, for goodness’ sake.
0610 John’s fallen asleep sitting in the office chair. His head’s slumped, and he’s snoring a little, which is possibly one of the best noises I’ve heard all day (and that includes Anderson missing a step and falling down an entire flight of stairs). His face is all peaceful but not in the same way it is when he has a cup of tea first thing, and he’s got a little smile. It’s all curly. I like it when it’s curly. Which is all the time.
0630 Lestrade snuck up on me. “Does John know you watch him sleep?” He looked over my shoulder. “And apparently take notes. You know Anderson could have really hurt himself?”
“Don’t care. Shut up. Go away. It’s nothing.”
“You sound like my Ellie. She’s about thirteen.”
“Shut up.” Hate him.
“You know it is a bit odd to watch your flatmate sleep.”
“What about taking notes?”
“Creepy. Definitely creepy.” Hate him. Hate him.
“I’m observing.”
“You’re observing his smile?” Lestrade raised an eyebrow.
“Shut up.”
“And... His facial expression?”
“Shut up!”
“Well I suppose you can tell a lot from a facial expression...”
John woke up with a snort.
“What are you two arguing about?” Oh god.
“Whether the cousin shows obsessive behaviour towards the victim.” Lestrade sat down.
“I don’t think so. He sent her flowers when she was ill. Not as though he was watching her sleep or anything.” OH GOD HE KNOWS.
“Sherlock?” Lestrade raised his eyebrows. “Are you alright?”
“Yes.” I hate him I hate him I hate him.
“Only you’ve gone all red.”
Think I may be a bit hysterical.
0830 Texted Lestrade: ‘I don’t think taking notes in a personal journal is creepy. Anyway, he always falls asleep in really odd places. It’s not like I’m breaking into his room at night. SH’
‘I’m not interested in your mad tendencies. Unless you try to make a John-doll out of his skin. L.’ Huh.
0832 ‘Don’t make a John-doll out of his skin. L.’ Not even going to dignify that with an answer.
0833 I think breaking into his room would definitely be creepy. Which is why I would never do it. Because I’m not creepy.
0834 Anyway, the door squeaks and the lock mechanism is really loud, and John wakes up at sharp noises.
0836 Making a doll out of human skin would be impractical as well.
0837 I’m not that obsessive.
0838 I wonder if John still has his old rugby kit.
0839 And we’re out of custard creams.
1030 “Do you think watching someone sleep is obsessive?”
“Sherlock, I’m working.” Molly raised the clipboard threateningly.
“This is important.”
“Fine, it’s about time for a cuppa.”
1100 Molly says that people don’t treat their flatmates like lab experiments. Also that John would probably be quite annoyed to realise that every time he napped I was standing over him like a cut-price Batman. But I live with him! Anyway, I don’t stand over him. That would be creepy.
“Watching him with binoculars across the room is still not normal behaviour.”
“I don’t use binoculars.”
“Stop being dense, Sherlock!” Molly snapped.
“I’m not being dense, you’re exaggerating. If I sit in the kitchen and John’s in the living room I don’t need binoculars to watch him do anything!”
“Don’t be a child. You’re being completely ridiculous.”
“Don’t be stupid. It’s unbecoming.” She glared at me and went all tight-lipped. Fine.
I picked up a few custard cream crumbs.
“Why don’t you just tell him?”
“You mean just go up to him and say ‘Hi, I know we’ve only been living together for a few weeks but I think you might be the person I’ve been waiting for, and I have been watching you sleep, but don’t worry, not with binoculars, and also I won’t make a John-doll from your skin?”
“Well... I thought maybe dinner?”
I think I may be a bit creepy.
2100 John’s sleeping by the fire. He was reading and the book is lying on his chest- I’m going for a walk.
2130 See? Not obsessed. Not thinking about John Watson’s shorts, or his smile, or that he thinks that I’m extraordinary (and he does). Or the way he likes his tea. Or the way he curls into the couch when he’s napping. Or that he likes Hobnobs better than custard creams. Or that he’s quite compact, but wears jumpers so people can’t guess. Or that I still can’t work out what colour his eyes are.
2132 Oh dear.
Fandom: Sherlock (BBC), Bridget Jones' Diary
Pairing: Unrequited Sherlock/John
Rating: PG - Language or whatever I suppose.
Word Count: 9,500. Ish.
Summary: Sherlock Holmes keeps a diary. No one is supposed to know about it. He's pretty sure Mycroft does though, the fat nosy git.
Notes/Warnings: This is a fusion for Sherlock and Bridget Jones' Diary so there will be similarities. Many thanks to
oxfordtweed for
holding my hand and kicking my arse as required and putting up with all the flail and just. Everything. It wouldn't have been written without
you. Also presented with a very happy birthday to the rather lovely Raggedy Hipster. Hope it was gorgeous dear. Oh my god did I mention I got fanart?? How cool is that? I'm completely overwhelmed by the response this bit of silliness got, thank you all so much for dropping by and telling me you liked it.
January
Part I
February 14th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 5 Valentine’s 1 (but was from Molly)
1005 No card or anything. But is early yet.
1200 Still nothing. John has spent morning reading, shows no sign of any sort of gesture, romantic or otherwise. Scratched his nose once though.
1205 John received a text. Raised eyebrows.
“Harry says she might be able to set me up with one of her friends tonight.”
“Well?” Say no say no say no say-
“I haven’t got anything else on.”
Huh. Going to morgue.
1210 Molly gave me Terry’s Chocolate Orange. I gave her a Milk Tray, which she seems to think is the height of taste. Terry’s is better. It’s a chocolate shaped like an orange, a curiously satisfying confection.
1215 Shared some of Milk Tray over tea.
“So why aren’t you off with your hot doctor?”
“His sister has got him a date.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Why would you be sorry?”
She looked non-plussed. “Because... It’s Valentine’s Day and your ideal Valentine is off with another girl?”
“Valentine’s Day is ridiculous anyway; I don’t understand why you would bother even trying when the other person is just going to cheat on you and dump you over the phone whilst their new lover giggles in the background.”
“Er...” Molly was looking at me oddly. Then she got out the custard creams.
1230 Feel better for talking to Molly. She says that I should not allow my past to rule my present, and also realise that I do not need a physical relationship to be happy, and instead should cultivate close platonic relationships, based on mutual trust, respect and interests.
“And custard creams?”
“And custard creams.” And she handed me another one.
1530 Molly just left early. She has a date. Huh.
1545 Oops. Have accidentally knocked all the paper-clips into the bin. Can’t use them now; they’ll be dirty. Will have to get some from Molly’s office.
1600 Molly left Google open. Well. She left her computer on. Well. I accidentally knocked the power-button and though I should make sure that it didn’t stop anything from working. Which can sometimes happen.
1700 She also left her e-mail logged in. Well. She left it open. There was a shortcut on her desktop. Date uses ‘u’ instead of ‘you’ and smiley faces like punctuation. Also clearly called Laurence but calls himself ‘Lar’. What is that all about?
1730 Route home took me past restaurant where Molly was with date. He has dyed the ends of his hair blond and then gelled it up. Amazed she’s even wasting her time with him. Trying to retain youth with stupid hair and horrible shirt. Also tiny beard. Looks like a mouse is desperately clinging to his chin. Mobile expensive, ostentatiously out on table. Packet of cigarettes sticking out of pocket of expensive Italian leather jacket. One of those huge watches that do everything, even though one only uses it to check date/time. Eyes mainly on Molly’s neckline, don’t know if she’s noticed, she’s terrible at things like that. She’s looking quite pretty though. I don’t understand why she doesn’t wear blue more often.
1735 Oh, there’s a coffee shop across the road. I might just stop for a bit.
1845 They seem to be getting on alright. Something not right about him. Very white teeth though.
1900 Molly must have gone to freshen up. He paid, and is now waiting outside in his car.
1930 Knew there was something off about him. Tan line where a wedding ring should be. Company car had a child’s toy in the back. Long receipt tucked into ash-tray, longer than a recent bachelor paying child support, legal fees, would need. Also saw the word ‘tampons’. Needed to be tactful though. Tapped on the window and made that bizarre rolling-down motion everyone does despite the fact modern cars have buttons now.
“So, I suppose you’re a recent divorcee.”
“Er... Yes...” He looked wary. One hand instantly flew to where his ring used to be, and then forced itself down again. So dull when they telegraph their guilt.
“And the toy in the back is your... Nephew’s?”
“Yes.” Suspicious now, but smooth. Practised that one.
“And you’ve been doing your sister’s shopping?”
“What?”
I indicated the receipt. His hand darted to it.
“Oh, but surely if it’s just your sister’s shopping, you’ve nothing to hide.” His hand slowly moved away.
“Sorry, I’ve been staying at hers since the divorce.” He smiled at me.
“Sherlock? What on earth are you doing here?”
“Ah, Molly. Lar here is a good friend of mine. He was just telling me about how he’s been staying at his sister’s.”
She looked from me to him. He was sweating.
“I thought you said you had your own place?”
1945 Apparently I am an interfering nosy arsehole. I also need to research what girls keep in their handbags. I have a feeling bricks are involved. I have bruises all over.
1950 I don’t understand why she was so cross. Or why she had to be so violent. Saved her a lot of heartbreak, in the long run.
2030 Got home. John was watching television.
“Causing mischief?” He greeted me.
“No. What happened to your date?”
“She got a better offer.” What?
“Clearly she’s a fool.” Did I say that out loud?
“What?”
Apparently I did. Blast. I put on my most innocent expression. He laughed, so maybe it worked.
“You know, that’s exactly the same expression you use when you try to stealthily insult Lestrade?” Maybe not.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Think I may be a little hysterical.
2045 He’s watching the rugby highlights. All these men in little shorts and tight shirts. John used to play rugby- it said on his blog. Wonder if he had to wear those long socks as well. It’s not like he doesn’t have the calf muscles for it. Maybe he still has his old uniform in the closet, tight shorts and all. Oh my.
“Sherlock, do you want a cup- are you alright?”
“Er, what?” I bet his arms looked really nice.
“Well, you’ve gone all red.” Oh no.
“I’m er. Sitting too close to the fire.” Good save.
“Right... Tea?”
“Yes please.” I watched him go through to the kitchen. Tiny shorts. Gosh.
2050 The fire isn’t actually lit, I notice.
2130 The news is so melodramatic. “The Major’s Madness” indeed. The man is clearly out of his head on steroids.
February 15th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 4 Cases 1 (Glorious) Amount of time spent thinking about John Watson in his rugby uniform 2 hours (Better)
0930 “Is your morning free?” John was texting someone, very slowly. Don’t know why he bothers with it. Kind of endearing (but everything he does is kind of endearing) but still have to resist urge to snatch it off him.
“Yes?”
“I might have a case for you.” Oh my. Christmas.
“Really?” I am cool. Collected. No hint of a tail wagging. Much.
“Hide your enthusiasm.” John sounded a little hurt. Too much cool. “At least meet with the man. I knew him in the Army, he’s a good bloke. Says he’ll be over at ten.”
1000 It’s that Major from the news. The boxer. Him and John shook hands in a way that looked like it hurt, but he didn’t actually crush my hand, which was nice of him. Oh damn. Left tape recorder at morgue. On Molly’s desk, I think. Asked John to take notes, though I’ll do it too. We can compare that way. Major is a brute of a man, absolutely enormous. Played rugby with John in the Army. (More tiny shorts- FOCUS) and after honourable discharge took up boxing. Out on bail after apparently running mad and drunk after disappearance of kitten. When officer attempted to talk to him, hit officer.
“She were new, you see, Mister Holmes. I was keeping her in the study till she was a bit settled, like. And when I got home, she weren’t there. I wouldn’t mind, except she was supposed to be a gift for my daughter. Last one in the shop in the whole of the city, as far as I can tell. Searched for hours for the silly thing. And, well, I’d had a few and I suppose I went a little bananas.” He gave me a rueful smile.
“You should learn to close doors.” I told him. “I’m not a lost and found, I’m a detective.”
“Yeah, I know that. You only like the interesting cases, Watson said.”
“Well?”
“There’s no way the cat could have got out. The door was tight shut and so were the windows. I made sure of it. Someone must’ve taken her. I couldn’t bear to disappoint our Candice, Mister Holmes, and Watson said you were the best of the best.” Did he now? John was just looking at me across the table. Probably should try not to look to keen.
“Well, I’ll give it a look.”
1045 At Major’s house. Large nouveau-riche place in West London. (Good lord, am turning into mother.) Bottle blonde woman in pink greeted us. Ostentatious gold jewellery, no wedding band. Make-up heavily inspired by WAG Barbie, sunbed tan. Introduced as partner Rosie.
“I didn’t even want the horrid thing. All it did was cry. When you went near it, when you didn’t go near it. You should’ve heard it squeak when he put that silly collar on it.” She complained as she led us all down the expensively tasteless hallway (I don’t understand why you would put a big empty bowl on a table in the middle of a hallway. It makes no sense).
“Silly collar?” John asked, apparently out of politeness.
“Yeah, one of those daft rhinestone things- all these red and white ones, you know? I told him there was no point, the stupid thing didn’t appreciate it at all. I told him that he should just get it a cloth one and buy me this lovely bracelet I saw at Harrod’s, absolutely gorgeous...” Poor John. He was nodding along like one of those nodding dogs. It was kind of adorable actually- FOCUS.
We were in the study, there were all the Major’s trophies and medals, and a desk with a phone, a computer and in the corner an entertainment system in front of one of those strange machines that look like an elaborate torture device or sex toy, and a couch. The television was gone, but the DVD player and game thing were still there.
“It’s in the shop,” the Major explained. “Something broke. I don’t know, but it was under warranty, so I just called the shop.”
He had a picture of the rugby team that him and John were in together in the Army. Gosh. My hypothesis about the shirt was right. Um. Very much so. And the... tiny shorts. Um. Indeed.
“Who...” Stop staring, you look mental. “Who was home when the kitten went missing?” Maybe I could sneakily take a photo.
“That would be Rosie. I had to go to training. But I locked up tight before I left. Double checked and everything.”
“And she didn’t get out when the TV repairmen came, because I let ‘em in and she were lying on the couch. Then I made ‘em tea and told them about the stupid thing so they knew not to let it out.” Rosie was leaning against the door frame. “Then they took the telly with them, and it wasn’t here any more.”
“Did you call the technicians?”
“Yes. They swear up and down the cat didn’t get out when they opened the door. I know them from the Army, good guys.”
Rosie rounded on the Major. “Told you you should’ve just gone down to Battersea. Anyway, it’s not like she’d even care, she’s twelve! Not to mention all those-”
“Could you shut up? I’m trying to think.” I cut her off. Her voice was rising in pitch at every word. She looked affronted.
“Oh, yes, and how is staring at that picture going to help?” Oh.
“Must examine everything!” Had I gone red? “Anything could be a clue.” Oh god I had gone red. Why was John grinning?
1100 Examination of room shows cat was present. Safe hidden behind dull painting, probably a couple of heirlooms and papers. Window locked, only one door into room. Hmm.
1135 There’s more to this than just a runaway cat. A man like the Major wouldn’t care about the cost of buying a new kitten, and the child would never know about the original kitten. I’m missing something. Something big.
1145 Asked John about the Major.
“Good bloke. Dependable. But you know, bit of a wide boy. You could trust him with your life, though. But he was always in on some scheme or other. One time, him and these other blokes knocked off a whole crate of beans, and-”
“That’s not important.” I interrupted. He looked hurt. “Why would he be so bothered about this cat?”
“Because it was the last one in the shop?”
“But not in the country. Any cat would presumably do.”
“Apparently not. Maybe it was just the perfect cat.”
“The perfect cat.”
“You know, the best purr, the perfect markings. All that.” I love it when he tells me things we both know are ridiculous, his eyes are all- FOCUS.
“Tell me about his partner.”
“You don’t know anything about her?”
“Apart from the fact that she’s his second wife, probably at least partially the result of a mid-life crisis, doesn’t like his daughter, probably because she feels threatened by her for any number of dull, banal reasons. She’s probably not only with him for his money, but it certainly helps.” (At least seven years younger than him, large, ostentatious engagement ring as well as new wedding band, wedding photo, doesn’t approve of time/money he spends on child, expensive clothes, professionally done hair, but hair looks brittle- abused by cheap dyes before then.) John was staring at me again. Like I was extraordinary.
“To be honest, that’s all I know. She likes to spend though.” John passed me one of Mrs Hudson’s scandal rags (she leaves them up here sometimes, according to John). “I saw her on the Connie Prince show.”
“Who?”
“Never mind. She quite happily spends a thousand pounds on one item of clothing.” Huh. Don’t see what’s so wrong with that.
1210 The television company still say that there was no way their men let the kitten out, and even if there was, there’s no way that they are responsible for the pet.
1800 Bit on the news about jewel robbery. Apparently burglars broke in and cleaned place out. Idiots managed to drop most of it getting away, but apparently some items still missing. Quite valuable, apparently. They caught one of them, apparently. John looked up, startled.
“Wait, who was that?”
“Some idiot got caught.” If it’d been me they wouldn’t have even known what was stolen.
“Oh my god. I was- I was in the Army with him.”
“What?” Really, was there anyone that John doesn’t know from the Army?
“That man- Jones.”
“Really?”
“Yeah... Not that bright though. Thought he knew better than that though.”
“Apparently not.”
“Look, he’s a good bloke, alright? Surely even you’ve made some mistakes in your time.” John picked up his book again.
“Did he know the Major?” I think I’m about to be brilliant.
“Yes, they used to run around together- Sherlock? Where are you going?”
1300 I love when it all falls into place like that. The Major had debts, thought that an easy robbery would get him out of it. Hid the bracelet on the kitten. The television technicians were also in on it, when they spotted the bracelet thought they could make off with it, but when the kitten started crying they just put it in the back of the television and made off. Kitten and bracelet have both returned unharmed. Major told all to Lestrade, who apparently gets called whenever my name goes out over police radio (useful fact).
0130 Home again. John looked very tired. He hadn’t said anything when I had revealed all to the Major, either.
“Well, that was certainly a good night.” I said, encouragingly.
“Yeah. Think I’ll go to bed.”
“I got it exactly.” I wasn’t boasting as such. And I certainly wasn’t trying to impress him.
“Yeah, nice one.”
“And in one day too.”
“Yeah, and now a bunch of men I know and trusted are in prison.” John pointed out. “And you’re just gloating like you beat your own time in Sudoku.”
“I don’t play Sudoku.”
“Goodnight Sherlock.”
0140 I still solved John Watson’s case though.
0220 Mahjong app tells me ‘If you live a long life, it will be a testament to your friend’s self-control.’ Huh.
16th February. Nicotine patches 4 Cigarettes 7 Cases 1
0800 Triple homicide in Putney. Brilliant start to the day, if you ask me. Can swing by the morgue and grab my tape-recorder on the way as well. Useful.
19th February. Nicotine patches 4 Cigarettes 5 (but mainly menthol)
0930 Finally got in about four am. John’s still in bed. He did a good thing last night.
0945 Think I’ll go down the shop.
1020 What am I here for again?
1022 Text from John: ‘Milk, butter, bugger off.’ Rude.
1040 John’s still in bed. Hmm. Could go and do some things at the morgue.
1130 “Do you know John used to play rugby?”
“With those little shorts and the...?” Molly bit into a custard cream thoughtfully. “Oh my.”
“Exactly.”
“He’d suit them.”
“He does. Or did.”
“You’ve seen a picture?” Molly was looking at some point behind my ear.
“Yes.”
“Well well.”
“Precisely.”
The new intern came in.
“What did I miss?” she asked. Sensible girl, that one. Got me a pint of lye without asking questions.
“John Watson’s rugby shorts.” Molly told her.
“Gosh.” She sat down next to us and took a custard cream. “You know, considering they’re so small, it’s quite a big thing to miss out on.”
Think I might be a bit hysterical.
1315 Lunch with Mike. Apparently Simon is obsessed with Pollock nowadays. Mrs Mike says I’m not allowed to take him to the art gallery next time. Apparently am not allowed to teach child anything, just park him in front of television, which will rot his brain and leave him a drooling zombie only capable of flicking channels.
1317 I always thought white was an unwise colour for a wall anyway.
1435 Go away Lestrade, I have more interesting things on than paperwork.
1500 Intern brought me tea. Such a nice girl.
1505 John came to find me. Apparently Lestrade is calling him now. Hate him.
1510 Suddenly intern brings more tea. Winked at me. May have to kill her.
1512 Molly came over.
“Hello Doctor Watson. Did you see the rugby over the weekend?” Intern choked on tea.
Think I might be a bit hysterical.
1520 Apparently we are all mad.
1900 I now have twenty-three of Lestrade’s IDs. Going to need a bigger drawer.
1905 Lestrade asked John “Did you catch the rugby last night?”
1908 “Did you say something, Sherlock?”
“No.” I don’t think the noise I just made counts as speech.
“Why are you all red?” Lestrade was grinning. Why was he grinning? I hate when he grins like that.
“Sitting by the radiator.”
1910 Ah. No radiator in here.
February 20th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 5 (better) Annoying nosy older brothers 1
0835 Woke up from a dream where Mycroft was trying to make me take on a case in a manila file. He was chasing me with it. Finally took it because was worried he was going to sit on me, and it turned out to be about testing whether toast always falls butter side down or not. Ended up with all this toast, and it kept falling on the ceiling instead of the floor, which was not part of the experiment.
0840 Wish Tubbs would stay out of my dreams though. Had one about rugby shorts the other night that he would have quite ruined.
0841 Oh god. Cannot get thought of Mycroft in rugby shorts out of head oh god oh god.
0845 But why the ceiling? Would toast even stick to the ceiling?
0930 “Sherlock, what’s that on the ceiling?”
“...Marmite.” Thought I’d got it all.
“Why?”
“To see if it would stick.” Why else?
“Oh. Did it?”
“Yes. Mostly.” And he just looked at me.
1040 All I wanted to do was go to the morgue. But no.
1045 Mycroft is waving a manila folder at me.
“This better not be about toast.”
“What?”
I’m still not taking the case.
1110 “What are you writing?” I hate when he shows an interest.
“Nothing. Notes.”
“Is it nothing, or is it notes? Stop glaring like that as well.”
“Notes about how you need to stop sneaking chocolate croissants.”
“Really, being childish will get you no where.”
“I’m not being childish.”
“Yes you are.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.” Hate him.
1130 Took the case. He’s promised me a favour though. Might come in useful.
February 24th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 5 Time spent thinking about relative merits of rugby shorts 4 (better)
0930 Text from Mycroft. ‘Childish. Your little prank scrambled three computers before was worked out.’
Text back: ‘Don’t know what you’re talking about. Always get you a tie for your birthday.’
‘Yes, but traditionally the tie does not contain what appears to be several concealed magnets. You’re lucky it didn’t make it into my office.’
Damn. Almost.
February 25th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 5 (Good) Homemade cookies 10 (probably excessive)
1020 Mrs Hudson came past with some baking.
“You need to have a tidy up in here.”
“Don’t tell me that. It’s all his paperwork from the last case.” John snapped from the kitchen. Oh. Was that why he’s been so quiet? It’s not that bad.
“It’s not that bad.”
“What are you currently balancing your tea on, Sherlock?” He folded his arms. I hate when he does that. It means he’s Made Up His Mind. I looked at the pile of paper. It fell over.
“That’s because Mrs Hudson went past it.”
“No she didn’t.”
“Here, watch that rug young man!” Mrs Hudson rushed forward. It wasn’t even that good a rug.
Why does everyone gang up on me?
February 26th. Nicotine patches 5 Cigarettes 6 Cases 0 0 0 0 0 0
1700 Think I’ll play violin.
2200 A case! Thank god. About to die. Locked room murders, always fun.
February 28th. Nicotine patches 6 Cigarettes 5 Cases 1 (Glorious)
0430 Going back to Yard. John told me I was extraordinary.
0600 Waiting for lab results has to be the most boring things in the world.
0605 Sally brought tea. Haven’t touched it. God knows what she’s done to it. Don’t understand why she’s still cross. It was five years ago, for goodness’ sake.
0610 John’s fallen asleep sitting in the office chair. His head’s slumped, and he’s snoring a little, which is possibly one of the best noises I’ve heard all day (and that includes Anderson missing a step and falling down an entire flight of stairs). His face is all peaceful but not in the same way it is when he has a cup of tea first thing, and he’s got a little smile. It’s all curly. I like it when it’s curly. Which is all the time.
0630 Lestrade snuck up on me. “Does John know you watch him sleep?” He looked over my shoulder. “And apparently take notes. You know Anderson could have really hurt himself?”
“Don’t care. Shut up. Go away. It’s nothing.”
“You sound like my Ellie. She’s about thirteen.”
“Shut up.” Hate him.
“You know it is a bit odd to watch your flatmate sleep.”
“What about taking notes?”
“Creepy. Definitely creepy.” Hate him. Hate him.
“I’m observing.”
“You’re observing his smile?” Lestrade raised an eyebrow.
“Shut up.”
“And... His facial expression?”
“Shut up!”
“Well I suppose you can tell a lot from a facial expression...”
John woke up with a snort.
“What are you two arguing about?” Oh god.
“Whether the cousin shows obsessive behaviour towards the victim.” Lestrade sat down.
“I don’t think so. He sent her flowers when she was ill. Not as though he was watching her sleep or anything.” OH GOD HE KNOWS.
“Sherlock?” Lestrade raised his eyebrows. “Are you alright?”
“Yes.” I hate him I hate him I hate him.
“Only you’ve gone all red.”
Think I may be a bit hysterical.
0830 Texted Lestrade: ‘I don’t think taking notes in a personal journal is creepy. Anyway, he always falls asleep in really odd places. It’s not like I’m breaking into his room at night. SH’
‘I’m not interested in your mad tendencies. Unless you try to make a John-doll out of his skin. L.’ Huh.
0832 ‘Don’t make a John-doll out of his skin. L.’ Not even going to dignify that with an answer.
0833 I think breaking into his room would definitely be creepy. Which is why I would never do it. Because I’m not creepy.
0834 Anyway, the door squeaks and the lock mechanism is really loud, and John wakes up at sharp noises.
0836 Making a doll out of human skin would be impractical as well.
0837 I’m not that obsessive.
0838 I wonder if John still has his old rugby kit.
0839 And we’re out of custard creams.
1030 “Do you think watching someone sleep is obsessive?”
“Sherlock, I’m working.” Molly raised the clipboard threateningly.
“This is important.”
“Fine, it’s about time for a cuppa.”
1100 Molly says that people don’t treat their flatmates like lab experiments. Also that John would probably be quite annoyed to realise that every time he napped I was standing over him like a cut-price Batman. But I live with him! Anyway, I don’t stand over him. That would be creepy.
“Watching him with binoculars across the room is still not normal behaviour.”
“I don’t use binoculars.”
“Stop being dense, Sherlock!” Molly snapped.
“I’m not being dense, you’re exaggerating. If I sit in the kitchen and John’s in the living room I don’t need binoculars to watch him do anything!”
“Don’t be a child. You’re being completely ridiculous.”
“Don’t be stupid. It’s unbecoming.” She glared at me and went all tight-lipped. Fine.
I picked up a few custard cream crumbs.
“Why don’t you just tell him?”
“You mean just go up to him and say ‘Hi, I know we’ve only been living together for a few weeks but I think you might be the person I’ve been waiting for, and I have been watching you sleep, but don’t worry, not with binoculars, and also I won’t make a John-doll from your skin?”
“Well... I thought maybe dinner?”
I think I may be a bit creepy.
2100 John’s sleeping by the fire. He was reading and the book is lying on his chest- I’m going for a walk.
2130 See? Not obsessed. Not thinking about John Watson’s shorts, or his smile, or that he thinks that I’m extraordinary (and he does). Or the way he likes his tea. Or the way he curls into the couch when he’s napping. Or that he likes Hobnobs better than custard creams. Or that he’s quite compact, but wears jumpers so people can’t guess. Or that I still can’t work out what colour his eyes are.
2132 Oh dear.