Levels of response
If one person has apparently badly hurt or traumatised another, there are basically four types of substantive responses that can be made:
(1) I hurt you terribly, what can I do to make it up to you?
This treats the other person as if they are a person, and that that matters.
It is the decent thing to do. It is called taking responsibility for your actions.
(2) I hurt you terribly, I am terribly sorry.
While superficially decent, it is actually about making the person apologising feel better about themselves since it does not offer the injured person anything but words: superficial decency papering over a more basic narcissism. Especially if there is no change in behaviour. (It is particularly insulting if prior experience has already shown the other person's words are a currency without value.)
(3) Nothing that happened that mattered was my fault because ...
The standard narcissistic response, since everything is subordinated to ego defense.
(4) Nothing was my fault: in fact it was all really your fault because ...
The toxic narcissistic response, since not only is everything subordinated to ego defense, but the person who even briefly made them feel bad about themself has to be punished.
A taxonomy offered to help folk sort reactions to hurt and trauma.
(1) I hurt you terribly, what can I do to make it up to you?
This treats the other person as if they are a person, and that that matters.
It is the decent thing to do. It is called taking responsibility for your actions.
(2) I hurt you terribly, I am terribly sorry.
While superficially decent, it is actually about making the person apologising feel better about themselves since it does not offer the injured person anything but words: superficial decency papering over a more basic narcissism. Especially if there is no change in behaviour. (It is particularly insulting if prior experience has already shown the other person's words are a currency without value.)
(3) Nothing that happened that mattered was my fault because ...
The standard narcissistic response, since everything is subordinated to ego defense.
(4) Nothing was my fault: in fact it was all really your fault because ...
The toxic narcissistic response, since not only is everything subordinated to ego defense, but the person who even briefly made them feel bad about themself has to be punished.
A taxonomy offered to help folk sort reactions to hurt and trauma.