Just a lame update
Well, I was writing to a friend, and it basically outlined my last 2 years, way WAY generalized, of course. But I figured I'd post it, so I don't have to retype everything.
Well... It only took me 6 months to respond. I was going through our old letters, back from when I was still using AOL mail, and realized that it has been since Dec 2004 when we talked actively - save the letter you sent in June.
Wow, is all I can say. You had a busy year and a half during our "trial separation" and no doubt have had much more added to the plate in the last 6 months. I believe i read on your MySpace that you are on an extended trip or vacation of sorts. I do hope that is the much needed break you rightfully deserve. Lovers, family and a cat. Since it's too late to offer words of comfort or be a shoulder in need, I can only hope that your hectic year is drawing to a much calmer and serene end.
I sit here struggling with the time line of the last two years. So many things remembered, so many I've tried in vain to become forgotten, so many moments and situations and discoveries and failures. I'm not even sure I want to go through the process of writing it, just because I am not sure if I will feel better in the end or if the bad outweighs the good. Unfortunately, I fear the latter.
Let's see. A exceedingly bad experience with two roommates left me with a rapidly declining trust for people and an overall dislike for lesbians in general. It's because of them I currently pay way too much for a single bedroom apartment slightly on the way out of town. I wanted to be far away from people in general. Dated a few girls here and there, some of them valid connections, a couple of them were the temporary solution for loneliness.
One of those said girls was/is a friend of mine. Lauren and I have known each other for a little over two years, and from day one of our encounter, there has always been a back and forth attraction to each other. At first, I was the one desiring more than a friendship. She said that she wanted nothing more than friendship, and that's what I gave her. You see for me, I keep my lovers and my friends on two different levels. Perhaps that's not entirely healthy, but that's just how I am. Lovers have always been just one step down from friends - at arms' length, if you will. Friends, true friends get to see a part of me that I do not let the general world view. As I stated previously, it's probably not healthy, but it's what I do to feel safe. Well, after about 6 months of friendship, Lauren decided she wanted more. She was relentless. From spring of last year till winter, she did everything she was capable of to try to become my lover. From persuading to seducing to anger to jealousy. I loved her, but once I have someone as a friend.... well, I just couldn't fathom a lover knowing that much about me, especially in the beginning of a relationship. It scared me - still does, actually. Well, finally I gave in, and to draw a long story short, it was a massive back and forth (I want you, I don't want you, I want you, oh hell... let's just screw, I can't do this, blah, blah, blah). In the end after at least 3 attempts, we knew that it just wasn't for us. Fortunately, I can say that in the long run it didn't affect our friendship, and if anything probably brought us closer together. She and I are actually moving in together in January - perhaps more on that later.
In March earlier this year, I took a week trip to Portland. I finally got to meet Jodi (Joe D Vice from TD) and for the most part, it was a very much needed vacation to take me away from the reality of work/school/love/life that I needed. While I was up there, I was involved with a woman that I met not too long before my trip. Melanie and I both knew that it was only a week ordeal and that it wouldn't progress past that. It was nice, for a week, to have all that devotion and care and emotion without having to deal with the reality of a 'real' relationship. Melanie is the complete opposite of me (liberal feminist environmentalist organic hippie) and in such a short time, taught me a lot about myself and the concepts and worlds beyond myself and my experiences. I will be forever grateful for that, because it put me on the path to becoming more aware of everything around me.
In late may, I started dating a guy friend of mine that I have known for almost 3 years. I tried and tried and tried to love him, Danielle. I really did. Mark is everything that I knew that I should want. It would physically make me feel pain when I thought of him and how happy I could be with him. I still to this moment am unsure if it's gender or just timing that made it just.not.right. He told me last week that he loved me. He knows about my lifestyle and never once tried to change that of me. He knew I struggled with my relationship with him. I just feel that in the 6 months with him (it ended about a month ago), I was lying. To him or to myself, I am unsure. As I sit here writing this, I still wish it could be different.
Concurrently while I was seeing him, I was dating a girl named Nikki. Cute, young and full of energy. That also just ended about a couple of weeks ago. She also told me last weekend that she was in love with me. I had to end it with her because I knew my heart wasn't in it. I knew that I loved someone else.
I don't know if you remember Holly. TD name Wrestlegirl, she's a young girl from England. Her and I have been conversing for almost 2 years now. It started as friendly banter on TD and turned into tear-drenched long distance phone calls and sleepless nights. I've never been the kind that fell easily and I still cannot say that I completely subscribe to all this online-love crap that is becoming ever so abundant. Well... Holly came to visit a month ago. Right before Nikki and I broke up. I was hoping while Holly was here, I would find her boring, juvenile or just .... average. Quite the opposite, I'm afraid. I don't know what to do now, as it's quite a difficult task when loving someone that far away. She's coming back here for a week during Christmas. I don't know if I just want to stop it all now, and just forget that she ever existed, or if I should keep believing that fate has it's funny ways. For now, it's just one day at a time.
In about 2 weeks, I'm moving to Houston. Finishing my Chem degree and getting out of this town. I have lived here 3 years and it's become my comfort zone. I have let myself go, settling with contentment and satisfied with the medeocrity that I have allowed myself to become. I realized about a month ago that I needed to change that. So, I called up Lauren, asked if she wanted a roommate for the upcoming year and set the plans in motion.
I spoke to my father the other day (he's currently in Malaysia, as well as my brother) and he once again randomly brought up the subject of me studying in Australia. It would seem that while on the project that he's working on, one of his clients is an Aussie and was discussing educational benefits. Mid January, I already had an appointment set to go to the Australian Consulate to renew my passport, but I am changing the agenda to include possible plans for studying there. Which I'm not completely opposed to the idea. Actually, it's rather appealing to me. I know that I'm moving in a couple of weeks but as strange as it sounds, it not far enough. I think I want to be far enough away from all the influences in my life, from all the friends and family and jobs and environment, and finally define myself NOT by all the things around me, but rather who I am capable of being when not trying to make everyone else happy.
I can't think of much else. Adopted a puppy, met three really amazing girls who have helped to restore just a bit of faith in friendship and trust (two of 'em are a couple and one of them is my current upstairs neighbor), work 2 jobs (office and waitressing) and made a few more friends here and there that make it worth waking up for.
And that's my life up to date. Sorta.
I know that it's hard for both of us to find the time to sit down and write all that's going on, since (for me, at least) half the time I am unsure of what the hell that is. But I do cherish your letters. And though we are thousands of miles apart and 14 time zones separated, I still can't help that I somehow always have you in the back of my mind. Warm wishes and heartfelt thoughts are always being sent your way, whether you are aware of them or not.
Well... It only took me 6 months to respond. I was going through our old letters, back from when I was still using AOL mail, and realized that it has been since Dec 2004 when we talked actively - save the letter you sent in June.
Wow, is all I can say. You had a busy year and a half during our "trial separation" and no doubt have had much more added to the plate in the last 6 months. I believe i read on your MySpace that you are on an extended trip or vacation of sorts. I do hope that is the much needed break you rightfully deserve. Lovers, family and a cat. Since it's too late to offer words of comfort or be a shoulder in need, I can only hope that your hectic year is drawing to a much calmer and serene end.
I sit here struggling with the time line of the last two years. So many things remembered, so many I've tried in vain to become forgotten, so many moments and situations and discoveries and failures. I'm not even sure I want to go through the process of writing it, just because I am not sure if I will feel better in the end or if the bad outweighs the good. Unfortunately, I fear the latter.
Let's see. A exceedingly bad experience with two roommates left me with a rapidly declining trust for people and an overall dislike for lesbians in general. It's because of them I currently pay way too much for a single bedroom apartment slightly on the way out of town. I wanted to be far away from people in general. Dated a few girls here and there, some of them valid connections, a couple of them were the temporary solution for loneliness.
One of those said girls was/is a friend of mine. Lauren and I have known each other for a little over two years, and from day one of our encounter, there has always been a back and forth attraction to each other. At first, I was the one desiring more than a friendship. She said that she wanted nothing more than friendship, and that's what I gave her. You see for me, I keep my lovers and my friends on two different levels. Perhaps that's not entirely healthy, but that's just how I am. Lovers have always been just one step down from friends - at arms' length, if you will. Friends, true friends get to see a part of me that I do not let the general world view. As I stated previously, it's probably not healthy, but it's what I do to feel safe. Well, after about 6 months of friendship, Lauren decided she wanted more. She was relentless. From spring of last year till winter, she did everything she was capable of to try to become my lover. From persuading to seducing to anger to jealousy. I loved her, but once I have someone as a friend.... well, I just couldn't fathom a lover knowing that much about me, especially in the beginning of a relationship. It scared me - still does, actually. Well, finally I gave in, and to draw a long story short, it was a massive back and forth (I want you, I don't want you, I want you, oh hell... let's just screw, I can't do this, blah, blah, blah). In the end after at least 3 attempts, we knew that it just wasn't for us. Fortunately, I can say that in the long run it didn't affect our friendship, and if anything probably brought us closer together. She and I are actually moving in together in January - perhaps more on that later.
In March earlier this year, I took a week trip to Portland. I finally got to meet Jodi (Joe D Vice from TD) and for the most part, it was a very much needed vacation to take me away from the reality of work/school/love/life that I needed. While I was up there, I was involved with a woman that I met not too long before my trip. Melanie and I both knew that it was only a week ordeal and that it wouldn't progress past that. It was nice, for a week, to have all that devotion and care and emotion without having to deal with the reality of a 'real' relationship. Melanie is the complete opposite of me (liberal feminist environmentalist organic hippie) and in such a short time, taught me a lot about myself and the concepts and worlds beyond myself and my experiences. I will be forever grateful for that, because it put me on the path to becoming more aware of everything around me.
In late may, I started dating a guy friend of mine that I have known for almost 3 years. I tried and tried and tried to love him, Danielle. I really did. Mark is everything that I knew that I should want. It would physically make me feel pain when I thought of him and how happy I could be with him. I still to this moment am unsure if it's gender or just timing that made it just.not.right. He told me last week that he loved me. He knows about my lifestyle and never once tried to change that of me. He knew I struggled with my relationship with him. I just feel that in the 6 months with him (it ended about a month ago), I was lying. To him or to myself, I am unsure. As I sit here writing this, I still wish it could be different.
Concurrently while I was seeing him, I was dating a girl named Nikki. Cute, young and full of energy. That also just ended about a couple of weeks ago. She also told me last weekend that she was in love with me. I had to end it with her because I knew my heart wasn't in it. I knew that I loved someone else.
I don't know if you remember Holly. TD name Wrestlegirl, she's a young girl from England. Her and I have been conversing for almost 2 years now. It started as friendly banter on TD and turned into tear-drenched long distance phone calls and sleepless nights. I've never been the kind that fell easily and I still cannot say that I completely subscribe to all this online-love crap that is becoming ever so abundant. Well... Holly came to visit a month ago. Right before Nikki and I broke up. I was hoping while Holly was here, I would find her boring, juvenile or just .... average. Quite the opposite, I'm afraid. I don't know what to do now, as it's quite a difficult task when loving someone that far away. She's coming back here for a week during Christmas. I don't know if I just want to stop it all now, and just forget that she ever existed, or if I should keep believing that fate has it's funny ways. For now, it's just one day at a time.
In about 2 weeks, I'm moving to Houston. Finishing my Chem degree and getting out of this town. I have lived here 3 years and it's become my comfort zone. I have let myself go, settling with contentment and satisfied with the medeocrity that I have allowed myself to become. I realized about a month ago that I needed to change that. So, I called up Lauren, asked if she wanted a roommate for the upcoming year and set the plans in motion.
I spoke to my father the other day (he's currently in Malaysia, as well as my brother) and he once again randomly brought up the subject of me studying in Australia. It would seem that while on the project that he's working on, one of his clients is an Aussie and was discussing educational benefits. Mid January, I already had an appointment set to go to the Australian Consulate to renew my passport, but I am changing the agenda to include possible plans for studying there. Which I'm not completely opposed to the idea. Actually, it's rather appealing to me. I know that I'm moving in a couple of weeks but as strange as it sounds, it not far enough. I think I want to be far enough away from all the influences in my life, from all the friends and family and jobs and environment, and finally define myself NOT by all the things around me, but rather who I am capable of being when not trying to make everyone else happy.
I can't think of much else. Adopted a puppy, met three really amazing girls who have helped to restore just a bit of faith in friendship and trust (two of 'em are a couple and one of them is my current upstairs neighbor), work 2 jobs (office and waitressing) and made a few more friends here and there that make it worth waking up for.
And that's my life up to date. Sorta.
I know that it's hard for both of us to find the time to sit down and write all that's going on, since (for me, at least) half the time I am unsure of what the hell that is. But I do cherish your letters. And though we are thousands of miles apart and 14 time zones separated, I still can't help that I somehow always have you in the back of my mind. Warm wishes and heartfelt thoughts are always being sent your way, whether you are aware of them or not.