Graduation, a picture to prove it.
LOOK!http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b126/DJGunner/100_2212.jpg
It's all over and I didn't cry as much as I thought I would. I did have a head full of heavy thoughts though. And, it's been a joy to see the excitement on Crystal's face regarding her accomplishment
I wondered alot about what graduation would have been like for me had I not become pregnant and then left high school in the 10th grade. Secretly, I blame my freshman English teacher Joan Gardner, the ex-wife of the famous writer John Gardner for my downward spiral. As a freshman in the largest high school in the state, a class of about 250 students, I was 3rd in my class. I planned to graduate as the valedictorian so I could have a full scholarship upon graduation since my mother would never be able to afford to pay for college. In order to do so, I needed to get into the honors English and Social Studies to get the extra grade points to pass students #1&2. Due to my high test scores on the usual standarized tests and my straight A report card, my guidance counselor saw no reason why I shouldn't be in the honors classes and neither did I. The requirements to gain access were an essay and a recommendation from my English teacher. No problem as far as I was concerned. Mrs. Gardner refused to give the recommendation telling my guidance couselor she felt I didn't deserve to be in the classes. I was crushed; no teacher had ever doubted my ability. I never told my mother about this either since she had never felt the need to be very involved in my academic life, something I always viewed as indifference. Immediately after that I went from hitting well as lead batter on the junior varsity team after almost making varsity as a freshmen, 2 seniors already occupied center field, to pregnant and feeling suicidal before the end of the school year.
I know in reality Mrs. Gardner can't take the blame for my sadness about this situation. It's not her fault my mother ignored my need for academic guidance, something all parents should be involved with in their childrens lives, or that I was too timid and insecure to stand up and say I do deserve to be in those classes, but I can't help but wonder what if? Would I be a professional softball player, would I have been valedictorian and done something more with my life?
I don't want anyone to mistake these wonderings as regret because I know I am very blessed in my life. I have a good job, people who love me, a smart beautiful daughter, I AM ALIVE, something I am especially grateful for considering 3 months ago I was so sick that death was a possibilty. BUT, as I said to my shrink last week, I wonder what my life would have been like had I gotten the unconditional love and encouragement all kids deserve. We'll never know.
One thing I do know is that I am a good mother. I stuck by my daughter and fought for her to get all the services and help I could for her when she was in trouble and now look what happened. She graduated right on time and plans to go on to become a dental hygenist. Had I not experienced my life as it is, maybe I would have given up on her. Instead I have vowed, in my head and to her out loud that no matter what I will always be there for her, even if I don't agree with her decisions.
Often times parents living vicariously through their children is viewed as a bad thing but I think in this case it was good. My intense desire to see my daughter accomplish something I missed out on in my life resulted in a good thing so I'm claiming this day as a victory for both of us!
In closing I would like to thank everyone here who has listened to me rant and rage about my frustrations with Crystal. Your encouragement made it possible for me to continue when my strength was running out. Not only was it a gift to me but also my daughter.
It's all over and I didn't cry as much as I thought I would. I did have a head full of heavy thoughts though. And, it's been a joy to see the excitement on Crystal's face regarding her accomplishment
I wondered alot about what graduation would have been like for me had I not become pregnant and then left high school in the 10th grade. Secretly, I blame my freshman English teacher Joan Gardner, the ex-wife of the famous writer John Gardner for my downward spiral. As a freshman in the largest high school in the state, a class of about 250 students, I was 3rd in my class. I planned to graduate as the valedictorian so I could have a full scholarship upon graduation since my mother would never be able to afford to pay for college. In order to do so, I needed to get into the honors English and Social Studies to get the extra grade points to pass students #1&2. Due to my high test scores on the usual standarized tests and my straight A report card, my guidance counselor saw no reason why I shouldn't be in the honors classes and neither did I. The requirements to gain access were an essay and a recommendation from my English teacher. No problem as far as I was concerned. Mrs. Gardner refused to give the recommendation telling my guidance couselor she felt I didn't deserve to be in the classes. I was crushed; no teacher had ever doubted my ability. I never told my mother about this either since she had never felt the need to be very involved in my academic life, something I always viewed as indifference. Immediately after that I went from hitting well as lead batter on the junior varsity team after almost making varsity as a freshmen, 2 seniors already occupied center field, to pregnant and feeling suicidal before the end of the school year.
I know in reality Mrs. Gardner can't take the blame for my sadness about this situation. It's not her fault my mother ignored my need for academic guidance, something all parents should be involved with in their childrens lives, or that I was too timid and insecure to stand up and say I do deserve to be in those classes, but I can't help but wonder what if? Would I be a professional softball player, would I have been valedictorian and done something more with my life?
I don't want anyone to mistake these wonderings as regret because I know I am very blessed in my life. I have a good job, people who love me, a smart beautiful daughter, I AM ALIVE, something I am especially grateful for considering 3 months ago I was so sick that death was a possibilty. BUT, as I said to my shrink last week, I wonder what my life would have been like had I gotten the unconditional love and encouragement all kids deserve. We'll never know.
One thing I do know is that I am a good mother. I stuck by my daughter and fought for her to get all the services and help I could for her when she was in trouble and now look what happened. She graduated right on time and plans to go on to become a dental hygenist. Had I not experienced my life as it is, maybe I would have given up on her. Instead I have vowed, in my head and to her out loud that no matter what I will always be there for her, even if I don't agree with her decisions.
Often times parents living vicariously through their children is viewed as a bad thing but I think in this case it was good. My intense desire to see my daughter accomplish something I missed out on in my life resulted in a good thing so I'm claiming this day as a victory for both of us!
In closing I would like to thank everyone here who has listened to me rant and rage about my frustrations with Crystal. Your encouragement made it possible for me to continue when my strength was running out. Not only was it a gift to me but also my daughter.