Sporking "audition" so to speak
I'm hoping to be made a sporker over at das_sporking, so here's my example spork. It's the first chapter of a badfic called "Star Wars Episode VII: Return of the Chosen One" by a fanfic writer called "QueenNaberrie."
First off, some info about this author. She really really likes Anakin Skywalker, for one thing, and I suspect that she's not at all happy that he dies in the canon, seeing as how every single one of her fics involve Anakin being brought back to life in one way or another. And no, they're not all connected in some big AU - she has several different plots that all involve Anakin (and usually Padme as well) coming back to life or never dying. Nothing wrong with exploring what might happen if a character who dies in the canon got brought back to life, but there's a difference between genuine storytelling and wank fantasy, especially when such a fantasy is used in ALL your stories.
Now for her author's note.
Author's Note: I'm probably going to get myself in a lot of trouble for this because now I've got three stories going at the same time. Well...actually four...since there is one I have kind of abandoned, "Lost in Time", which I should also work on. But if I don't get this idea out on paper per se, I'm going to burst.
"BOOM! I just exploded from too many ideas!"
Just for the record, I did actually finish my first fanfic, "Return to the Light". It was my first one, though, so the quality isn't as good as I would like. In fact, I started to rewrite it at one point but never finished it. I was just trying to figure out my writing style at the time.
Okay, so you've got one finished story. Fine, but was there any need to ramble about it in your author's note? I don't know if your average reader particularly cares about your entire writing history.
Anyway...I have gotten off track so back to it. My first thought was to include part of this concept somehow into "Chance for Atonement", but I have much different ideas now on where I want to take that story now so that is no longer an option. I think it will be better as a separate story.
Much different ideas? Okay, I know everyone makes a typo now and then, but what were you even TRYING to say there? Many different ideas? A much different idea?
So...with Star Wars Episode VII scheduled for release sometime in 2015...I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for months now. It's evolved a bit but I think I finally have it.
Translation: I want to bring Anakin back to life yet again because I haven't done it enough already.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars and do not seek any financial gain for this story. Star Wars was created by George Lucas and is currently owned by Disney. This story is just being written for my enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of my readers.
Meaning, if you don't enjoy it you're just being MEAN. More on that later.
Also, to give credit where credit is due, I kind of got this idea from a plot idea I found on website called SuperShadow for Episode VII-IX. It's a very interesting plot idea, if you you're curious to read it; but I wasn't overly happy with it either so this is MY twist on that.
So essentially, she's writing a fanfiction for someone else's fanfiction. This writer is just FULL of originality, isn't she?
One more thing...many of the characters will be coming from the EU universe and I have only read a few of those books, so please bear with me if you are an avid EU reader. Wookieepedia is probably going to be my friend on this one. I bought a bunch of EU books a few years ago but only read a few of them.
For those of you who aren't Star Wars geeks, "EU" stands for "Expanded Universe," which is the collective name used for the several hundred novels and comics that are based on the Star Wars universe, and many of them are terrible. The Expanded Universe eventually screwed up the universe beyond recognition, but I'll save my rant on that for later, since I plan on sporking at least one EU book sometime in the future.
However, regarding this AN, there are many fanfic authors who either pick and choose what they want to use in the EU or disregard it entirely, since the books are generally not considered canon. You don't HAVE to follow the EU, especially if you're not very familiar with it. You don't know a lot about Mara Jade (Luke's wife in the books)? Fine, here's an easy solution, don't use Mara Jade. Make up a new wife or have Luke stay single! Create your own future for the characters! But oh wait, that would require actually thinking about your fanfic universe, which might interfere with your happy-sappy time.
I guess I was kind of disappointed in the fact that Vader/Anakin doesn't really appear in them as a Force Ghost as Obi-Wan did throughout Episodes IV-VI. Although, he does briefly appear in "Tatooine Ghost", which I read cover to cover. But not enough for my taste. So part of this idea is coming from that book as well. A good book to read if you always wanted Leia to meet her father and forgive him, by the way.
Correction: "Tatooine Ghost" is still a good book to read as Leia explores Anakin Skywalker's past on Tatooine, very interesting. But he actually appears to her as a Force ghost in the novel, "The Truce at Bakura". My apologies on the error. It's been awhile since I've read these books.
I'll ignore her mistake since she corrected it. What I won't ignore is that she's admitting she doesn't know much about the EU but she's just expecting everyone to overlook that. As I said, if you don't know much about the EU, you don't have to follow it. I suspect she's attempting to follow the EU mainly because it gives her a ready-made future for the characters so she doesn't have to, you know, actually be original or anything.
Anyway...my author's note is getting longer and longer by the minute so I think I better end it here.
And you just made it even longer.
So on with the story, I would really like to know what your thoughts are on this one.
Unless your thoughts aren't full of praise, in which case you'd better not express them because you'll SPOIL ALL THE FUN!! Again, we'll get to that later.
Prologue
"Rise, Lord Vader." The hooded, black cloaked figure stated as he looked down at the dark blond young man of about 30 years old who was bowing before him.
Is it that hard to write out number words? T-H-I-R-T-Y. Six letters. You seriously couldn't be bothered to write that out?
The young Sith dressed in all black with a long flowing cape looked up at his master with glowing yellow eyes. "Yes, my Master." Vader stated as he got to his feet.
And another little English lesson for you. When you end a sentence right before a dialogue tag, you use a COMMA, not a period. You make this mistake throughout the entire fic and it gets really annoying.
"You have proven yourself ready to take on your next challenge, my young apprentice." The hooded figure told him as he put his right hand on Vader's left shoulder. "You and I will finally have our revenge against Luke Skywalker and his whole pitiful family."
The young Sith sneered at his master as he laughed evilly.
So which one laughed? Was it Vader or Palpatine? Seriously, I can't tell.
"I look forward to that, my Master." He declared and then paused as he looked back at his master with arrogance. "The Sith will soon rule the galaxy again...just as you predicted. I can feel it. It is just a matter of time."
The dark cloaked figure also sneered beneath the cowl of his hood.
You know, there's really no need for all this mysteriousness since anyone with half a brain can tell that this figure is Palpatine.
Yes, Luke Skywalker will pay for his father's betrayal. It will most definitely not go unpunished.
Yeah . . . we could kinda tell that it wouldn't go unpunished when you said he would pay for it.
Off in the corner of the cave, the ghostly figure of Anakin Skywalker, wearing brown Jedi robes, gave off a bluish soft glow as he listening to the conversation between these two Dark Side users with utter horror.
He listening? Are we talking like cavemen now? "Me listening to Sith talking about bad things happening."
This can't be happening. How can this be happening?!
You're in a crappy fanfic - that's how it can be happening.
I must warn Luke! He thought to himself just as he vanished from the cave.
I'm glad she put in that he thought to himself. Otherwise we might assume he was thinking to someone else.
Right after the Force ghost of Anakin Skywalker disappeared after witnessing this horrifying and unbelievable conversation between the Sith, Sideous looked out from under his hood with his glowing, yellow eyes at the place where the specter had just been.
Oh God, this sentence is just so bad. The word "after" used twice, an overload of adjectives, a melodramatic tone, it reeks of Suethor writing.
And GASP, it's Palpatine! I had NO IDEA! I bet everyone's so SHOCKED!
Yes...go. Go tell your son, Anakin, all about us and our plans for revenge. You are playing right into my trap, my treacherous old apprentice.
Admiral Ackbar: It's a TRAP!
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Chapter 1
It had been 30 years since the Battle of Endor and the death of his father, Anakin Skywalker; and now at 53 years old, Luke still looked quite young for his age with only a small amount of grey forming at his temples and very few wrinkles.
Okay, it's been thirty years since Return of the Jedi. I hope you guys remember that, since the author doesn't seem to.
He was sitting at the kitchen table in his family's quarters at the Jedi Temple on Yavin IV, staring into space with a look of concern on his face,
Staring into space with a look of concern on his face. Sounds like a kindergarten rhyme.
thinking back to the past and wondering what the future held for all of them, especially with the continued threat from the Yuuzhan Vong in the galaxy.
I've noticed that this seems to be a pattern with fanfic writing. Introduce the main character with him or her staring into space and thinking about the past and future. Not with him, you know, actually doing anything.
The galaxy just seemed to be getting darker and darker with every passing year and the Dark Side seemed to be growing stronger and stronger along with it. It just made no sense to him considering that his father and Palpatine had been the last of the great Sith Lords. Of course, there had been many Dark Jedi he had come across in the years since; but none as powerful as Darth Sideous and Darth Vader had been. So it was greatly disturbing him that he was feeling the Dark Side so strong again in the galaxy. And tonight he felt it stronger than ever and this had him greatly troubled. What has happened?
OKAY, we get it, the dark side is growing stronger. Did you really need to ramble about it for an entire paragraph?
Luke was so deep in thought that he didn't notice when his wife, Mara Jade, entered barefoot into the room wearing a long silky, green night gown and matching robe. Her long, flaming red hair hung loose over her shoulders. She put her right hand on Luke's right shoulder causing him to look up into her worried green eyes. "Did you feel it too?" She asked him with concern.
I'm drowning in adjectives!
"Yes." Luke replied to her as he stared off into space again and put his crossed arms on the table. "There has been a great disturbance in the Force." He paused. "And it has me worried."
"I wanted to make sure you know a disturbance in the Force would have me worried. It's not like the readers could figure that out for themselves or anything."
Mara sat down in the chair next to her husband and put her right arm around his shoulders. "There has to be some kind of explanation. We will find out what it is and put a stop to it, whatever it is."
Already the dialogue is starting to sound like robots talking. "Beep, boop, seeking explanation for dark side, beep, primary objective: find out what it is and put a stop to it." Hell, R2-D2 has more life in his dialogue and he doesn't even speak English.
Luke looked over at his wife with a small smile and then looked into her eyes with love but still with concern. "I wish I could be that confident."
Then Luke looked at the table with concern, then he looked out the window with aversion, then he looked at his hand with a frown, then he looked back at his wife with more concern.
"Luke, you went up against Palpatine and survived." Mara reminded him and then smirked at him. "And you survived my numerous attempts on your life before I realized how much I loved you." She told him as she put her head on his shoulder and hugged him with her right arm. "We will beat whatever this is together."
Are we done recapping yet? Can we, you know, actually get to the story now?
Luke looked down and then up at his wife again. He sighed. "But I only survived that encounter with Palpatine because of my father. He sacrificed himself to save me." He paused as he looked forward again with sadness. "If it wasn't for him, I would have died."
And guess what Luke, SHE KNOWS THAT. EVERYONE READING THE FIC KNOWS THAT. We saw the freakin' movies!
Mara kissed her husband on the cheek, causing him to turn his head to look into her eyes. "I know, Luke. But you are much more experienced than you were then and..." She smiled at him with love. "...you have me as your backup."
This is another trait I see in fanfics a lot. Introduce your main characters, then have them talk and talk about the stuff that happened in the canon.
Luke couldn't help but smile and chuckle at his wife. "Yes...that I do. Whoever they are, they don't stand a chance."
Mara laughed. "They will wish they have never been born." She interjected and then became serious as she got to her feet and kissed her husband on the lips with him still seated.
Since you didn't say anything about Luke standing up, I think we can assume he's still seated.
"Well, I'm going to bed. I have to be up with little Ben in the morning. Don't stay up too late, my love."
Luke weakly smiled up at his wife. "I'll be along in a little while."
Mara just nodded and smiled at him before giving him another quick kiss on the lips. She then turned and left the room with her long silky, green night gown and robe flowing behind her.
Can something please HAPPEN already? And the author already mentioned the nightgown being long, silky, and green. Do we really need to review the nightgown's traits? Is the nightgown so important to the story that the author wants to make sure we don't forget about it?
Luke watched her leave and was about to get up to follow her when he noticed a bluish glowing form start to appear in the corner of the room and then shifted into the image of someone he had not seen since that night on Endor during the victory celebration. He watched in awe as he saw a young version of his father appear in front of him, causing him to gasp as the specter stepped towards him with a look of fear and concern on his face. "Father?!" Luke exclaimed with awe.
Seeing a ghost is a pretty exciting experience, but this author managed to make it sound dull as hell. "Oh hey look, there's something blue in the corner . . . oh wow, it's my dad!"
Anakin's Force ghost stopped just within a meter from Luke with his hands clasped in front of him. "Yes, Luke. It's me."
"Bu-but, Father. Why haven't you appeared to me since Endor? You did Leia but not me." Luke asked with sadness as he got to his feet and walked closer to his father's spirit.
"I'm sorry, Luke." Anakin said with sadness as he looked at his son. "I should have...but I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me."
Let's back up a little here. Why HASN'T Anakin appeared to Luke in thirty years? I know we see almost nothing of him in the EU, but as I said before, YOU DON'T NEED TO FOLLOW THAT UNIVERSE. If Anakin "didn't think Luke wanted to see him," then why did he appear to him on Endor in the first place? Just because it doesn't make sense in the EU doesn't mean you have to keep on not making sense.
Luke looked at his father with shock and sadness. "Of course, I wanted to see you, Father. I've wanted to talk to you and get to know you as Anakin Skywalker."
You really don't need that comma after "of course." It makes the dialogue sound even more robotic than it already is. Seriously, try saying that sentence out loud, pausing where the commas are.
He paused. "And to ask you about Leia's and my mother. Neither of us know anything about her."
Also, try saying the phrase "Leia's and my mother" out loud. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?
Anakin just looked at his son with sadness. "I-I'm sorry." He paused as he looked down and then back up at his son. "I should have appeared to you sooner...but I will make it up to you in the future. I promise." He tried to assure him with a weak smile.
Luke smiled through tear filled eyes. "I would like that very much, Father."
Luke just looked at his father with love and forgiveness as Anakin returned his gaze with that of genuine paternal love. "So would I."
Lots of stuff being done with love here. It's starting to sound as sickening as Ewan McGregor's love speech in Moulin Rouge where he recites song titles that have the word "love" in them.
Anakin's face then changed to one of worry
"Excuse me Luke, I need to put on my worried face."
as at that moment he remembered why he had come to pay his son a visit in the first place.
About time.
"But Luke...there is something I need to warn you about."
"What about?" Luke asked him with curiosity and concern written all over his face.
"Just a second Dad, I need to wash these words 'curiosity' and 'concern' off my face. I think Ben wrote them while I was sleeping."
Anakin sighed. "I don't know how to tell you this." He paused. "But...Palpatine has found a way to cheat death."
Luke looked at him with shock. "WHAT?!"
"Before he died, he apparently commissioned a clone of himself and me to be created."
So . . . one clone of two people, just how does that work? Does this clone have two heads, one of Palpatine and one of Anakin?
Anakin looked at his son with all seriousness. "Somehow...Palpatine's spirit has taken control of his clone's body and has trained my clone to serve as his apprentice. He is even calling him Lord Vader. They are planning on killing you and your family for revenge for my betrayal."
And here's where the whole "following the EU" thing starts to become problematic. There were indeed a LOT of Palpatine clones in the EU, but they were revealed much earlier than here, which begs the question of just how much EU stuff happened in this fic, since the Palpatine clones were a pretty major part of the EU for a while. Did everything in the EU happen here EXCEPT cloning Palpatine? Don't expect an explanation.
Luke's jaw just dropped. "Is that even possible?! Cloning Force sensitives, that is?" He paused as he ran his right, gloved hand through is hair. "I thought it was impossible to clone Force sensitives. That they either die or go mad."
"Apparently, he found a way around that. Perhaps it is because neither of them have the growth acceleration gene that most of the other clones had. My clone looked to be about 30 years old." Anakin surmised as he put his right hand on his chin and looked away in thought.
All right, back up. First off, how do you figure that not having growth acceleration means they won't die or go mad? Where's the connection there? Second, if these two clones were created at the same time and they don't have growth acceleration, that would mean PALPATINE'S clone would have to be thirty as well, which might be interesting, but somehow I don't think that's the case. Okay, to be fair, Luke describes him as "a younger version of Palpatine" in the next chapter, but that's all the description we get, and that could mean a wide range of ages. "A younger version of Palpatine" could simply mean the way he looks in Episode 1 - it certainly doesn't indicate a thirty-year-old Palpatine. Now, in the EU Palpatine's clones aged quickly because they were full of the dark side of the Force, which could be an explanation, except that it would mean ANAKIN'S clone would also have to age rapidly, and we can't have that, can we?
"That could be a possibility." Luke replied as he mirrored his father's gestures. "But where are they now? How can I stop them?" He finally said as he looked his father right into his eyes with fear and determination.
Will you PLEASE stop assigning all these attributes to Luke looking at things? It's fine to do a few times, but you're really overusing it.
"You may be able to stop them if you go now and catch them off guard. They won't expect it." Anakin suggested. "They were in an underground cave on the planet of Geonosis."
And just . . . why would catching them off guard help? These are two Sith Lords here - I doubt the element of surprise would make much of a difference, especially if Luke visits them alone.
"Geonosis." Luke stated in thought as he went over to the HoloNet and turned it on, typing in the name of the planet to see where it was. "It's not too far from here. If I left now, I could be there in a few standard hours." He stated as he studied the 3D holographic representation of the Outer Rim Territories
If it's a hologram, I think your reader can figure that it would be in 3-D.
"Are you thinking about going alone?" Anakin asked with concern sensing his son's train of thought.
I'm glad the concern has such stronge senses there.
Luke looked away from the 3D images back over at his father's ghostly form. "Yes." He paused. "It's me Palpatine really wants and I won't let him use my family against me." He told his father with determination. "And if they know I'm going, they will insist on coming along."
You know, the SMART thing to do here would be to gather a bunch of Jedi to help you. Weren't you just talking with Mara about having her as your backup? Why the fuck are you suddenly all "I must protect my family by not telling them where I'm going!"?
Anakin looked at his son with fear but sighed in understanding. "I understand." He finally said and then sighed again. "I don't like it but I have to agree with you." He paused again. "But I will be with you every step of the way, watching your back. You will not be totally alone, Luke. I wasn't there enough for you when I was alive. I will be there for you now."
Not to mention the THIRTY YEARS you weren't with Luke after you were dead.
Luke gave his father a sad but appreciative smile. "I would really like to have you there with me." He then paused in thought as a thought occurred to him.
He paused in thought as a thought occured to him. Say that three times fast.
"But you were there for me in the end, Father. You saved my life."
Anakin looked back up at his son with love."Yes...I did...and I'm so proud of you...that you were able to do what I had not. You resisted the Dark Side, despite your fear for yourself, your sister and your friends."
We. KNOW. That. Can you please stop recapping that scene?
Luke just nodded at his father with love.
And stop all this looking at people "with love" as well? I think I'd RATHER listen to Ewan McGregor listing song titles - at least I'd be able to hear his sexy voice.
"Thank you." He said as he looked down and then back up at his father with his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. He then paused again as he thought about his next plan of action. "Well...I better prep my X-Wing for take off and leave a note for Mara." He smirked to himself. "She's going to 'kill' me if Palpatine doesn't do it first for not letting her come with me."
Yeah, go off on a dangerous mission behind your wife's back. That's the sign of a geat husband.
Anakin just chuckled and then smiled at his son. "I've observed her for many years with you and knew her as the Emperor's Hand before then...you're right...she will 'kill' you." He said with a smirk on his face.
Luke laughed in return.
Yes, let's laugh about how we're fooling my wife! Luke's being a real asshole here.
"Will I see you there?"
Anakin nodded. "Yes...I will be there when you arrive."
Luke just weakly smiled at his father. "See you then...soon...Father." Just as Luke finished his comment his father's spirit was gone. Luke then looked over to the wall where R2 had plugged himself into the energy socket to recharge and shut down for the evening in the corner of the kitchen. He walked over to him and turned the droid back on, causing the droid to beep with surprise. "Come on R2. You and I have a mission to do." He paused. "And be quiet."
R2 beeped his understanding and followed Luke out of the kitchen towards the entrance of the Skywalker residence.
Luke apparently trusts his droid more than his wife. He's just the amazing family man, isn't he?
Geonosis - 3 Standard Hours Later
As Luke flew his X-Wing into the Geonosian atmosphere, he could feel the Dark Side bombarding his senses in sickening waves. He had already shielded himself from any Force users from being able to sense him well before he exited hyperspace and was now heading towards a rock formation where he felt the Dark Side the strongest. "R2, start landing procedures." Luke told the droid as he beeped back in compliance and Luke proceeded to land his X-Wing near the large outcropping the Force seemed to be leading him to.
Is this paragraph really necessary? Can't we just start the scene when Luke lands?
Once he landed, he opened the cockpit and took off his helmet to look around before getting out of the ship and climbing down the ladder. As he reached the bottom, he noticed the ghostly form of his father hovering nearby signaling him to following him towards what looked like a cave. "In here." Anakin instructed as R2 beeped something at Luke.
Now all of a sudden Anakin's not talking in italics. Sure, the italics were pretty annoying in the last scene, but inconsistency is even more annoying.
"Stay with the ship, R2." Luke commanded as R2 spun his dome around and beeped in protest. Luke turned to the old droid with understanding for his concern. "I know R2. But I need you to stay here." R2 let out another series of sad whines as Luke continued to follow his father's spirit into the cave. He took his light saber from his belt and ignited the green blade with a snap hiss as he held it out in front of him as source of light.
First off, as any Star Wars fan should know, "lightsaber" is one word, not two. Second, I believe you meant to say "a source of light." Third, well, Anakin's ghost glows, doesn't he? Can't he provide light without the lightsaber's hum giving away their position?
"This way." Anakin motioned to him as Luke continued to follow his father through a series of tunnels that seemed to be going no where
Just like this story. And "nowhere" is one word as well.
until finally he noticed what looked like a lighted room up ahead. Anakin then raised his right hand up and put his right index finger over his mouth to signal Luke to be quiet.
Then he stepped forward with his right leg and put his right big toe on the ground first and turned his head to the right.
He then pointed into the room with that same finger to indicate that is where he would find the Sith clones he had told him about earlier that night.
Because the readers are idiots who completely forgot about the Sith clones and how Anakin told Luke about them.
Luke immediately extinguished his light saber
"Lightsaber." One word.
and crept closer to look around the corner into the lighted room. What he saw just made him want to cringe.
"AAAH!! IT'S ME IN A CRAPPY FANFIC! I CAN'T LOOK!"
He saw a man who resembled Palpatine with sickening yellow eyes looking out from a black hooded robe. "Come in Luke Skywalker. I have been expecting you."
Yeah, it's "a man who resembled Palpatine," not a thirty-year-old version of him. I guess Palpatine commissioned this clone eighty years ago, back before he was even chancellor? I know he plans ahead, but this is ridiculous.
Anakin and Luke just exchanged horrified looks with Anakin giving him an apologetic one.
An apologetic what? An apologetic look? So he's got a horrified look and an apologetic one at the same time?
Luke just weakly smiled at his father and reassured him through the Force that he knew he was not to blame.
It was then that they both heard the snap hiss of a light saber
Again, LIGHTSABER. One. Freaking. Word.
and Luke spun around to see to his shock a man who looked very much like the young version of his father who had accompanied him.
As opposed to the version of his father who didn't accompany him.
But instead he was looking at him with glowing yellow eyes, wearing all black and had his red light saber pointed at Luke.
Maybe these aren't actually lightsabers - maybe they're just regular sabers that don't weigh a lot. That's the only way "light saber" would make sense.
"So...we finally meet." Lord Vader said as he sneered at him. "You will pay for my master's death and loss of power over the galaxy.
"Luke, you caused the massive power failure that spread all over the galaxy, you will pay for that!"
Luke immediately ignited his light saber again with a snap hiss
All right, you've used this phrase "snap hiss" three times now. I'm not sure if that's a good way to describe the sound of a lightsaber activating or not, but you can cool it with the phrase now.
and held it out in front of him in a defensive manner as Anakin's ghostly figure cautiously watched Palpatine's movements within the room. "I don't think so." Luke retorted with confidence as he waited for the Sith to make the first move.
Now we have Luke quoting both Obi-Wan AND Mace Windu. Look, when you're running out of creativity in the first chapter, that doesn't exactly give the best imprssion.
"Oh yes...you will." Vader exclaimed with arrogance as he leaped towards Luke with a violent blow with his red blade and Luke stopped it from hitting his face. They then continued to fight green blade crossing red as Vader came at Luke with so much fury, he was forcing him to back into the room where Palpatine was passing right through Anakin's helpless ghostly form as they did.
This is How To Make A Lightsaber Fight Boring 101. Okay, I know battles are hard to write, but put at least a LITTLE effort into it. Maybe describe the heat from the blades? The strain on Luke's muscles? Sweat? Teeth grinding? SOMETHING?
Anakin shuddered as he followed them into the room to watch and see if he could aid Luke in any way by watching his back as he had promised him he would.
You're a freaking GHOST. Maybe you could try APPEARING to your clone and see if that scares him enough to give Luke the upper hand.
They continued to thrust their blades at each other as Anakin continued to watch in horror as his clone fought his son.
And Luke continued to glare at Vader and Vader continued to swing at Luke and the blades continued to glow and Anakin continued to be useless.
Palpatine started to cackle. "Good. Gooooood. Lord Vader, let the anger flow through you. It will make you stronger, give you strength. Let it control your actions."
I see Palpatine hasn't come up with any new catchphrases in thirty years.
Luke was in horrified shock as he continued to fight off his father's evil doppleganger. Vader kept coming at him fast and furious and Luke was able to duck out of the way just as he tried to chop his head off. Luke then flipped over Vader's head and landed just behind him, noticing a large power converter that wasn't far behind the Sith.
Wait, why is this sounding familiar? I don't know why, but I'm feeling like I've seen this before. I'm sure it couldn't have anything to do with Luke flipping over Vader in Return of the Jedi, no, definitely not.
As Vader spun around to regain his balance, Luke took the opportunity to Force push him into the power converters. Vader immediately dropped his light saber to his feet with it extinguishing as it hit the ground.
"NOOOO!" Palpatine screamed as he watched as his new apprentice's body was being electrocuted by the beams from the power converters. He used the Force to shut them down; but it was too late and Vader's body fell to the ground.
Even an electrocution is dull in this story, taking just four sentences. It's like the story's trying to rush through anything that involves action or suffering.
Palpatine then grew more angry and turned on Luke with rage. He immediately stalked towards him and started using Force lightening on him before he had a chance to block it with his light saber, causing him to drop it to the ground as he cried out in pain. "You will pay for killing my new apprentice!" Palpatine screamed at Luke as he continued his assault on him.
And now this is sounding REALLY familiar. Look, when you start copying scenes from the movies, that makes you look too lazy to come up with something new.
Now let's go over how badly this author writes action scenes. She uses extermely simple phrases to describe what's happening like "his new apprentice's body was being electrocuted" and "started using Force lightening on him." Now when Palpatine tortures Luke with Force lightening in the movie, we can see Luke's agony. Here the author is making no effort to convey suffering or any other sort of emotion - it's just "started using Force lightening on him."
Meanwhile, Anakin watched in absolute horror, feeling completely helpless to help his son. What have I done?! I led my son right into a trap. I should have known better! He screamed to himself in his thoughts as he then noticed a dark spirit emerge from his clone's body and disappear into the Force.
Don't you just love how the clone's ghost is given almost no attention by both Anakin and the author? That could have been a genuinely interesting story element. Hey, maybe Anakin could have even tried to talk to his clone's ghost, but nope, he's not important.
He looked over at his son in continued horror and then back down at the body the clone's spirit had just vacated with an idea coming to him. Maybe there's a chance... He thought to himself as he approached the body, kneeling down and waving his right hand over the clone's body to check on the severity of the injuries.
Just how does waving his hand over the body tell him about the injuries? Do ghosts have an instant diagnostic in their hands or something?
Luke continued to scream in pain as Palpatine continued his Sith lightening assault on him, his body convulsing as the electricity started to fry his tissue. Palpatine then stopped for a brief moment and sneered at Luke's weakened form with contempt. "And now you will die."
"Deja vu: The sensation that you are doing something you have done before."
But before he could bring his hands up again to deliver the final electric shock to Luke's body, Luke watched in shock as a red light saber blade went through Palpatine's chest and he fell to the ground dead.
My inner English major is really tingling from this sentence. It starts with Palpatine as the subject, but then mid-sentence Luke becomes the subject. Sure, some people more skilled than this author might be able to pull off a mid-sentence subject change artfully, but here it's just jarring and poorly executed.
To Luke's shock, he saw 'Vader' looking at him with crystal blue eyes that suddenly went dull. "That's twice I saved your life." 'Vader' told him as he held two fingers up in front of him. His eyes then rolled up into his head and he fell to the ground onto his stomach unconscious.
Ack, Anakin's stomach is unconscious! And wow, Anakin's critically injured and had to muster up all his strength to kill Palpatine's clone, but he still manages to joke at his son.
Despite his weakened state, Luke managed to push himself up to a seated position with his hands as the realization and shock of what just happened hit him full force. He reached his right hand out towards the still form of the man who just saved his life...again. "Father!"
Yup, Anakin's spirit possessed the body of his clone in order to save his son. A noble deed, but I have a question. Why doesn't Anakin just LEAVE the clone's body after saving Luke? Why does he stick around in this critically injured body once the deed is done? Oh wait, I know, so this author can live out her fantasy wank with Anakin being alive again.
And so ends Chapter 1. Brace yourselves for the dullness coming up.
First off, some info about this author. She really really likes Anakin Skywalker, for one thing, and I suspect that she's not at all happy that he dies in the canon, seeing as how every single one of her fics involve Anakin being brought back to life in one way or another. And no, they're not all connected in some big AU - she has several different plots that all involve Anakin (and usually Padme as well) coming back to life or never dying. Nothing wrong with exploring what might happen if a character who dies in the canon got brought back to life, but there's a difference between genuine storytelling and wank fantasy, especially when such a fantasy is used in ALL your stories.
Now for her author's note.
Author's Note: I'm probably going to get myself in a lot of trouble for this because now I've got three stories going at the same time. Well...actually four...since there is one I have kind of abandoned, "Lost in Time", which I should also work on. But if I don't get this idea out on paper per se, I'm going to burst.
"BOOM! I just exploded from too many ideas!"
Just for the record, I did actually finish my first fanfic, "Return to the Light". It was my first one, though, so the quality isn't as good as I would like. In fact, I started to rewrite it at one point but never finished it. I was just trying to figure out my writing style at the time.
Okay, so you've got one finished story. Fine, but was there any need to ramble about it in your author's note? I don't know if your average reader particularly cares about your entire writing history.
Anyway...I have gotten off track so back to it. My first thought was to include part of this concept somehow into "Chance for Atonement", but I have much different ideas now on where I want to take that story now so that is no longer an option. I think it will be better as a separate story.
Much different ideas? Okay, I know everyone makes a typo now and then, but what were you even TRYING to say there? Many different ideas? A much different idea?
So...with Star Wars Episode VII scheduled for release sometime in 2015...I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for months now. It's evolved a bit but I think I finally have it.
Translation: I want to bring Anakin back to life yet again because I haven't done it enough already.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars and do not seek any financial gain for this story. Star Wars was created by George Lucas and is currently owned by Disney. This story is just being written for my enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of my readers.
Meaning, if you don't enjoy it you're just being MEAN. More on that later.
Also, to give credit where credit is due, I kind of got this idea from a plot idea I found on website called SuperShadow for Episode VII-IX. It's a very interesting plot idea, if you you're curious to read it; but I wasn't overly happy with it either so this is MY twist on that.
So essentially, she's writing a fanfiction for someone else's fanfiction. This writer is just FULL of originality, isn't she?
One more thing...many of the characters will be coming from the EU universe and I have only read a few of those books, so please bear with me if you are an avid EU reader. Wookieepedia is probably going to be my friend on this one. I bought a bunch of EU books a few years ago but only read a few of them.
For those of you who aren't Star Wars geeks, "EU" stands for "Expanded Universe," which is the collective name used for the several hundred novels and comics that are based on the Star Wars universe, and many of them are terrible. The Expanded Universe eventually screwed up the universe beyond recognition, but I'll save my rant on that for later, since I plan on sporking at least one EU book sometime in the future.
However, regarding this AN, there are many fanfic authors who either pick and choose what they want to use in the EU or disregard it entirely, since the books are generally not considered canon. You don't HAVE to follow the EU, especially if you're not very familiar with it. You don't know a lot about Mara Jade (Luke's wife in the books)? Fine, here's an easy solution, don't use Mara Jade. Make up a new wife or have Luke stay single! Create your own future for the characters! But oh wait, that would require actually thinking about your fanfic universe, which might interfere with your happy-sappy time.
I guess I was kind of disappointed in the fact that Vader/Anakin doesn't really appear in them as a Force Ghost as Obi-Wan did throughout Episodes IV-VI. Although, he does briefly appear in "Tatooine Ghost", which I read cover to cover. But not enough for my taste. So part of this idea is coming from that book as well. A good book to read if you always wanted Leia to meet her father and forgive him, by the way.
Correction: "Tatooine Ghost" is still a good book to read as Leia explores Anakin Skywalker's past on Tatooine, very interesting. But he actually appears to her as a Force ghost in the novel, "The Truce at Bakura". My apologies on the error. It's been awhile since I've read these books.
I'll ignore her mistake since she corrected it. What I won't ignore is that she's admitting she doesn't know much about the EU but she's just expecting everyone to overlook that. As I said, if you don't know much about the EU, you don't have to follow it. I suspect she's attempting to follow the EU mainly because it gives her a ready-made future for the characters so she doesn't have to, you know, actually be original or anything.
Anyway...my author's note is getting longer and longer by the minute so I think I better end it here.
And you just made it even longer.
So on with the story, I would really like to know what your thoughts are on this one.
Unless your thoughts aren't full of praise, in which case you'd better not express them because you'll SPOIL ALL THE FUN!! Again, we'll get to that later.
Prologue
"Rise, Lord Vader." The hooded, black cloaked figure stated as he looked down at the dark blond young man of about 30 years old who was bowing before him.
Is it that hard to write out number words? T-H-I-R-T-Y. Six letters. You seriously couldn't be bothered to write that out?
The young Sith dressed in all black with a long flowing cape looked up at his master with glowing yellow eyes. "Yes, my Master." Vader stated as he got to his feet.
And another little English lesson for you. When you end a sentence right before a dialogue tag, you use a COMMA, not a period. You make this mistake throughout the entire fic and it gets really annoying.
"You have proven yourself ready to take on your next challenge, my young apprentice." The hooded figure told him as he put his right hand on Vader's left shoulder. "You and I will finally have our revenge against Luke Skywalker and his whole pitiful family."
The young Sith sneered at his master as he laughed evilly.
So which one laughed? Was it Vader or Palpatine? Seriously, I can't tell.
"I look forward to that, my Master." He declared and then paused as he looked back at his master with arrogance. "The Sith will soon rule the galaxy again...just as you predicted. I can feel it. It is just a matter of time."
The dark cloaked figure also sneered beneath the cowl of his hood.
You know, there's really no need for all this mysteriousness since anyone with half a brain can tell that this figure is Palpatine.
Yes, Luke Skywalker will pay for his father's betrayal. It will most definitely not go unpunished.
Yeah . . . we could kinda tell that it wouldn't go unpunished when you said he would pay for it.
Off in the corner of the cave, the ghostly figure of Anakin Skywalker, wearing brown Jedi robes, gave off a bluish soft glow as he listening to the conversation between these two Dark Side users with utter horror.
He listening? Are we talking like cavemen now? "Me listening to Sith talking about bad things happening."
This can't be happening. How can this be happening?!
You're in a crappy fanfic - that's how it can be happening.
I must warn Luke! He thought to himself just as he vanished from the cave.
I'm glad she put in that he thought to himself. Otherwise we might assume he was thinking to someone else.
Right after the Force ghost of Anakin Skywalker disappeared after witnessing this horrifying and unbelievable conversation between the Sith, Sideous looked out from under his hood with his glowing, yellow eyes at the place where the specter had just been.
Oh God, this sentence is just so bad. The word "after" used twice, an overload of adjectives, a melodramatic tone, it reeks of Suethor writing.
And GASP, it's Palpatine! I had NO IDEA! I bet everyone's so SHOCKED!
Yes...go. Go tell your son, Anakin, all about us and our plans for revenge. You are playing right into my trap, my treacherous old apprentice.
Admiral Ackbar: It's a TRAP!
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Chapter 1
It had been 30 years since the Battle of Endor and the death of his father, Anakin Skywalker; and now at 53 years old, Luke still looked quite young for his age with only a small amount of grey forming at his temples and very few wrinkles.
Okay, it's been thirty years since Return of the Jedi. I hope you guys remember that, since the author doesn't seem to.
He was sitting at the kitchen table in his family's quarters at the Jedi Temple on Yavin IV, staring into space with a look of concern on his face,
Staring into space with a look of concern on his face. Sounds like a kindergarten rhyme.
thinking back to the past and wondering what the future held for all of them, especially with the continued threat from the Yuuzhan Vong in the galaxy.
I've noticed that this seems to be a pattern with fanfic writing. Introduce the main character with him or her staring into space and thinking about the past and future. Not with him, you know, actually doing anything.
The galaxy just seemed to be getting darker and darker with every passing year and the Dark Side seemed to be growing stronger and stronger along with it. It just made no sense to him considering that his father and Palpatine had been the last of the great Sith Lords. Of course, there had been many Dark Jedi he had come across in the years since; but none as powerful as Darth Sideous and Darth Vader had been. So it was greatly disturbing him that he was feeling the Dark Side so strong again in the galaxy. And tonight he felt it stronger than ever and this had him greatly troubled. What has happened?
OKAY, we get it, the dark side is growing stronger. Did you really need to ramble about it for an entire paragraph?
Luke was so deep in thought that he didn't notice when his wife, Mara Jade, entered barefoot into the room wearing a long silky, green night gown and matching robe. Her long, flaming red hair hung loose over her shoulders. She put her right hand on Luke's right shoulder causing him to look up into her worried green eyes. "Did you feel it too?" She asked him with concern.
I'm drowning in adjectives!
"Yes." Luke replied to her as he stared off into space again and put his crossed arms on the table. "There has been a great disturbance in the Force." He paused. "And it has me worried."
"I wanted to make sure you know a disturbance in the Force would have me worried. It's not like the readers could figure that out for themselves or anything."
Mara sat down in the chair next to her husband and put her right arm around his shoulders. "There has to be some kind of explanation. We will find out what it is and put a stop to it, whatever it is."
Already the dialogue is starting to sound like robots talking. "Beep, boop, seeking explanation for dark side, beep, primary objective: find out what it is and put a stop to it." Hell, R2-D2 has more life in his dialogue and he doesn't even speak English.
Luke looked over at his wife with a small smile and then looked into her eyes with love but still with concern. "I wish I could be that confident."
Then Luke looked at the table with concern, then he looked out the window with aversion, then he looked at his hand with a frown, then he looked back at his wife with more concern.
"Luke, you went up against Palpatine and survived." Mara reminded him and then smirked at him. "And you survived my numerous attempts on your life before I realized how much I loved you." She told him as she put her head on his shoulder and hugged him with her right arm. "We will beat whatever this is together."
Are we done recapping yet? Can we, you know, actually get to the story now?
Luke looked down and then up at his wife again. He sighed. "But I only survived that encounter with Palpatine because of my father. He sacrificed himself to save me." He paused as he looked forward again with sadness. "If it wasn't for him, I would have died."
And guess what Luke, SHE KNOWS THAT. EVERYONE READING THE FIC KNOWS THAT. We saw the freakin' movies!
Mara kissed her husband on the cheek, causing him to turn his head to look into her eyes. "I know, Luke. But you are much more experienced than you were then and..." She smiled at him with love. "...you have me as your backup."
This is another trait I see in fanfics a lot. Introduce your main characters, then have them talk and talk about the stuff that happened in the canon.
Luke couldn't help but smile and chuckle at his wife. "Yes...that I do. Whoever they are, they don't stand a chance."
Mara laughed. "They will wish they have never been born." She interjected and then became serious as she got to her feet and kissed her husband on the lips with him still seated.
Since you didn't say anything about Luke standing up, I think we can assume he's still seated.
"Well, I'm going to bed. I have to be up with little Ben in the morning. Don't stay up too late, my love."
Luke weakly smiled up at his wife. "I'll be along in a little while."
Mara just nodded and smiled at him before giving him another quick kiss on the lips. She then turned and left the room with her long silky, green night gown and robe flowing behind her.
Can something please HAPPEN already? And the author already mentioned the nightgown being long, silky, and green. Do we really need to review the nightgown's traits? Is the nightgown so important to the story that the author wants to make sure we don't forget about it?
Luke watched her leave and was about to get up to follow her when he noticed a bluish glowing form start to appear in the corner of the room and then shifted into the image of someone he had not seen since that night on Endor during the victory celebration. He watched in awe as he saw a young version of his father appear in front of him, causing him to gasp as the specter stepped towards him with a look of fear and concern on his face. "Father?!" Luke exclaimed with awe.
Seeing a ghost is a pretty exciting experience, but this author managed to make it sound dull as hell. "Oh hey look, there's something blue in the corner . . . oh wow, it's my dad!"
Anakin's Force ghost stopped just within a meter from Luke with his hands clasped in front of him. "Yes, Luke. It's me."
"Bu-but, Father. Why haven't you appeared to me since Endor? You did Leia but not me." Luke asked with sadness as he got to his feet and walked closer to his father's spirit.
"I'm sorry, Luke." Anakin said with sadness as he looked at his son. "I should have...but I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me."
Let's back up a little here. Why HASN'T Anakin appeared to Luke in thirty years? I know we see almost nothing of him in the EU, but as I said before, YOU DON'T NEED TO FOLLOW THAT UNIVERSE. If Anakin "didn't think Luke wanted to see him," then why did he appear to him on Endor in the first place? Just because it doesn't make sense in the EU doesn't mean you have to keep on not making sense.
Luke looked at his father with shock and sadness. "Of course, I wanted to see you, Father. I've wanted to talk to you and get to know you as Anakin Skywalker."
You really don't need that comma after "of course." It makes the dialogue sound even more robotic than it already is. Seriously, try saying that sentence out loud, pausing where the commas are.
He paused. "And to ask you about Leia's and my mother. Neither of us know anything about her."
Also, try saying the phrase "Leia's and my mother" out loud. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?
Anakin just looked at his son with sadness. "I-I'm sorry." He paused as he looked down and then back up at his son. "I should have appeared to you sooner...but I will make it up to you in the future. I promise." He tried to assure him with a weak smile.
Luke smiled through tear filled eyes. "I would like that very much, Father."
Luke just looked at his father with love and forgiveness as Anakin returned his gaze with that of genuine paternal love. "So would I."
Lots of stuff being done with love here. It's starting to sound as sickening as Ewan McGregor's love speech in Moulin Rouge where he recites song titles that have the word "love" in them.
Anakin's face then changed to one of worry
"Excuse me Luke, I need to put on my worried face."
as at that moment he remembered why he had come to pay his son a visit in the first place.
About time.
"But Luke...there is something I need to warn you about."
"What about?" Luke asked him with curiosity and concern written all over his face.
"Just a second Dad, I need to wash these words 'curiosity' and 'concern' off my face. I think Ben wrote them while I was sleeping."
Anakin sighed. "I don't know how to tell you this." He paused. "But...Palpatine has found a way to cheat death."
Luke looked at him with shock. "WHAT?!"
"Before he died, he apparently commissioned a clone of himself and me to be created."
So . . . one clone of two people, just how does that work? Does this clone have two heads, one of Palpatine and one of Anakin?
Anakin looked at his son with all seriousness. "Somehow...Palpatine's spirit has taken control of his clone's body and has trained my clone to serve as his apprentice. He is even calling him Lord Vader. They are planning on killing you and your family for revenge for my betrayal."
And here's where the whole "following the EU" thing starts to become problematic. There were indeed a LOT of Palpatine clones in the EU, but they were revealed much earlier than here, which begs the question of just how much EU stuff happened in this fic, since the Palpatine clones were a pretty major part of the EU for a while. Did everything in the EU happen here EXCEPT cloning Palpatine? Don't expect an explanation.
Luke's jaw just dropped. "Is that even possible?! Cloning Force sensitives, that is?" He paused as he ran his right, gloved hand through is hair. "I thought it was impossible to clone Force sensitives. That they either die or go mad."
"Apparently, he found a way around that. Perhaps it is because neither of them have the growth acceleration gene that most of the other clones had. My clone looked to be about 30 years old." Anakin surmised as he put his right hand on his chin and looked away in thought.
All right, back up. First off, how do you figure that not having growth acceleration means they won't die or go mad? Where's the connection there? Second, if these two clones were created at the same time and they don't have growth acceleration, that would mean PALPATINE'S clone would have to be thirty as well, which might be interesting, but somehow I don't think that's the case. Okay, to be fair, Luke describes him as "a younger version of Palpatine" in the next chapter, but that's all the description we get, and that could mean a wide range of ages. "A younger version of Palpatine" could simply mean the way he looks in Episode 1 - it certainly doesn't indicate a thirty-year-old Palpatine. Now, in the EU Palpatine's clones aged quickly because they were full of the dark side of the Force, which could be an explanation, except that it would mean ANAKIN'S clone would also have to age rapidly, and we can't have that, can we?
"That could be a possibility." Luke replied as he mirrored his father's gestures. "But where are they now? How can I stop them?" He finally said as he looked his father right into his eyes with fear and determination.
Will you PLEASE stop assigning all these attributes to Luke looking at things? It's fine to do a few times, but you're really overusing it.
"You may be able to stop them if you go now and catch them off guard. They won't expect it." Anakin suggested. "They were in an underground cave on the planet of Geonosis."
And just . . . why would catching them off guard help? These are two Sith Lords here - I doubt the element of surprise would make much of a difference, especially if Luke visits them alone.
"Geonosis." Luke stated in thought as he went over to the HoloNet and turned it on, typing in the name of the planet to see where it was. "It's not too far from here. If I left now, I could be there in a few standard hours." He stated as he studied the 3D holographic representation of the Outer Rim Territories
If it's a hologram, I think your reader can figure that it would be in 3-D.
"Are you thinking about going alone?" Anakin asked with concern sensing his son's train of thought.
I'm glad the concern has such stronge senses there.
Luke looked away from the 3D images back over at his father's ghostly form. "Yes." He paused. "It's me Palpatine really wants and I won't let him use my family against me." He told his father with determination. "And if they know I'm going, they will insist on coming along."
You know, the SMART thing to do here would be to gather a bunch of Jedi to help you. Weren't you just talking with Mara about having her as your backup? Why the fuck are you suddenly all "I must protect my family by not telling them where I'm going!"?
Anakin looked at his son with fear but sighed in understanding. "I understand." He finally said and then sighed again. "I don't like it but I have to agree with you." He paused again. "But I will be with you every step of the way, watching your back. You will not be totally alone, Luke. I wasn't there enough for you when I was alive. I will be there for you now."
Not to mention the THIRTY YEARS you weren't with Luke after you were dead.
Luke gave his father a sad but appreciative smile. "I would really like to have you there with me." He then paused in thought as a thought occurred to him.
He paused in thought as a thought occured to him. Say that three times fast.
"But you were there for me in the end, Father. You saved my life."
Anakin looked back up at his son with love."Yes...I did...and I'm so proud of you...that you were able to do what I had not. You resisted the Dark Side, despite your fear for yourself, your sister and your friends."
We. KNOW. That. Can you please stop recapping that scene?
Luke just nodded at his father with love.
And stop all this looking at people "with love" as well? I think I'd RATHER listen to Ewan McGregor listing song titles - at least I'd be able to hear his sexy voice.
"Thank you." He said as he looked down and then back up at his father with his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. He then paused again as he thought about his next plan of action. "Well...I better prep my X-Wing for take off and leave a note for Mara." He smirked to himself. "She's going to 'kill' me if Palpatine doesn't do it first for not letting her come with me."
Yeah, go off on a dangerous mission behind your wife's back. That's the sign of a geat husband.
Anakin just chuckled and then smiled at his son. "I've observed her for many years with you and knew her as the Emperor's Hand before then...you're right...she will 'kill' you." He said with a smirk on his face.
Luke laughed in return.
Yes, let's laugh about how we're fooling my wife! Luke's being a real asshole here.
"Will I see you there?"
Anakin nodded. "Yes...I will be there when you arrive."
Luke just weakly smiled at his father. "See you then...soon...Father." Just as Luke finished his comment his father's spirit was gone. Luke then looked over to the wall where R2 had plugged himself into the energy socket to recharge and shut down for the evening in the corner of the kitchen. He walked over to him and turned the droid back on, causing the droid to beep with surprise. "Come on R2. You and I have a mission to do." He paused. "And be quiet."
R2 beeped his understanding and followed Luke out of the kitchen towards the entrance of the Skywalker residence.
Luke apparently trusts his droid more than his wife. He's just the amazing family man, isn't he?
Geonosis - 3 Standard Hours Later
As Luke flew his X-Wing into the Geonosian atmosphere, he could feel the Dark Side bombarding his senses in sickening waves. He had already shielded himself from any Force users from being able to sense him well before he exited hyperspace and was now heading towards a rock formation where he felt the Dark Side the strongest. "R2, start landing procedures." Luke told the droid as he beeped back in compliance and Luke proceeded to land his X-Wing near the large outcropping the Force seemed to be leading him to.
Is this paragraph really necessary? Can't we just start the scene when Luke lands?
Once he landed, he opened the cockpit and took off his helmet to look around before getting out of the ship and climbing down the ladder. As he reached the bottom, he noticed the ghostly form of his father hovering nearby signaling him to following him towards what looked like a cave. "In here." Anakin instructed as R2 beeped something at Luke.
Now all of a sudden Anakin's not talking in italics. Sure, the italics were pretty annoying in the last scene, but inconsistency is even more annoying.
"Stay with the ship, R2." Luke commanded as R2 spun his dome around and beeped in protest. Luke turned to the old droid with understanding for his concern. "I know R2. But I need you to stay here." R2 let out another series of sad whines as Luke continued to follow his father's spirit into the cave. He took his light saber from his belt and ignited the green blade with a snap hiss as he held it out in front of him as source of light.
First off, as any Star Wars fan should know, "lightsaber" is one word, not two. Second, I believe you meant to say "a source of light." Third, well, Anakin's ghost glows, doesn't he? Can't he provide light without the lightsaber's hum giving away their position?
"This way." Anakin motioned to him as Luke continued to follow his father through a series of tunnels that seemed to be going no where
Just like this story. And "nowhere" is one word as well.
until finally he noticed what looked like a lighted room up ahead. Anakin then raised his right hand up and put his right index finger over his mouth to signal Luke to be quiet.
Then he stepped forward with his right leg and put his right big toe on the ground first and turned his head to the right.
He then pointed into the room with that same finger to indicate that is where he would find the Sith clones he had told him about earlier that night.
Because the readers are idiots who completely forgot about the Sith clones and how Anakin told Luke about them.
Luke immediately extinguished his light saber
"Lightsaber." One word.
and crept closer to look around the corner into the lighted room. What he saw just made him want to cringe.
"AAAH!! IT'S ME IN A CRAPPY FANFIC! I CAN'T LOOK!"
He saw a man who resembled Palpatine with sickening yellow eyes looking out from a black hooded robe. "Come in Luke Skywalker. I have been expecting you."
Yeah, it's "a man who resembled Palpatine," not a thirty-year-old version of him. I guess Palpatine commissioned this clone eighty years ago, back before he was even chancellor? I know he plans ahead, but this is ridiculous.
Anakin and Luke just exchanged horrified looks with Anakin giving him an apologetic one.
An apologetic what? An apologetic look? So he's got a horrified look and an apologetic one at the same time?
Luke just weakly smiled at his father and reassured him through the Force that he knew he was not to blame.
It was then that they both heard the snap hiss of a light saber
Again, LIGHTSABER. One. Freaking. Word.
and Luke spun around to see to his shock a man who looked very much like the young version of his father who had accompanied him.
As opposed to the version of his father who didn't accompany him.
But instead he was looking at him with glowing yellow eyes, wearing all black and had his red light saber pointed at Luke.
Maybe these aren't actually lightsabers - maybe they're just regular sabers that don't weigh a lot. That's the only way "light saber" would make sense.
"So...we finally meet." Lord Vader said as he sneered at him. "You will pay for my master's death and loss of power over the galaxy.
"Luke, you caused the massive power failure that spread all over the galaxy, you will pay for that!"
Luke immediately ignited his light saber again with a snap hiss
All right, you've used this phrase "snap hiss" three times now. I'm not sure if that's a good way to describe the sound of a lightsaber activating or not, but you can cool it with the phrase now.
and held it out in front of him in a defensive manner as Anakin's ghostly figure cautiously watched Palpatine's movements within the room. "I don't think so." Luke retorted with confidence as he waited for the Sith to make the first move.
Now we have Luke quoting both Obi-Wan AND Mace Windu. Look, when you're running out of creativity in the first chapter, that doesn't exactly give the best imprssion.
"Oh yes...you will." Vader exclaimed with arrogance as he leaped towards Luke with a violent blow with his red blade and Luke stopped it from hitting his face. They then continued to fight green blade crossing red as Vader came at Luke with so much fury, he was forcing him to back into the room where Palpatine was passing right through Anakin's helpless ghostly form as they did.
This is How To Make A Lightsaber Fight Boring 101. Okay, I know battles are hard to write, but put at least a LITTLE effort into it. Maybe describe the heat from the blades? The strain on Luke's muscles? Sweat? Teeth grinding? SOMETHING?
Anakin shuddered as he followed them into the room to watch and see if he could aid Luke in any way by watching his back as he had promised him he would.
You're a freaking GHOST. Maybe you could try APPEARING to your clone and see if that scares him enough to give Luke the upper hand.
They continued to thrust their blades at each other as Anakin continued to watch in horror as his clone fought his son.
And Luke continued to glare at Vader and Vader continued to swing at Luke and the blades continued to glow and Anakin continued to be useless.
Palpatine started to cackle. "Good. Gooooood. Lord Vader, let the anger flow through you. It will make you stronger, give you strength. Let it control your actions."
I see Palpatine hasn't come up with any new catchphrases in thirty years.
Luke was in horrified shock as he continued to fight off his father's evil doppleganger. Vader kept coming at him fast and furious and Luke was able to duck out of the way just as he tried to chop his head off. Luke then flipped over Vader's head and landed just behind him, noticing a large power converter that wasn't far behind the Sith.
Wait, why is this sounding familiar? I don't know why, but I'm feeling like I've seen this before. I'm sure it couldn't have anything to do with Luke flipping over Vader in Return of the Jedi, no, definitely not.
As Vader spun around to regain his balance, Luke took the opportunity to Force push him into the power converters. Vader immediately dropped his light saber to his feet with it extinguishing as it hit the ground.
"NOOOO!" Palpatine screamed as he watched as his new apprentice's body was being electrocuted by the beams from the power converters. He used the Force to shut them down; but it was too late and Vader's body fell to the ground.
Even an electrocution is dull in this story, taking just four sentences. It's like the story's trying to rush through anything that involves action or suffering.
Palpatine then grew more angry and turned on Luke with rage. He immediately stalked towards him and started using Force lightening on him before he had a chance to block it with his light saber, causing him to drop it to the ground as he cried out in pain. "You will pay for killing my new apprentice!" Palpatine screamed at Luke as he continued his assault on him.
And now this is sounding REALLY familiar. Look, when you start copying scenes from the movies, that makes you look too lazy to come up with something new.
Now let's go over how badly this author writes action scenes. She uses extermely simple phrases to describe what's happening like "his new apprentice's body was being electrocuted" and "started using Force lightening on him." Now when Palpatine tortures Luke with Force lightening in the movie, we can see Luke's agony. Here the author is making no effort to convey suffering or any other sort of emotion - it's just "started using Force lightening on him."
Meanwhile, Anakin watched in absolute horror, feeling completely helpless to help his son. What have I done?! I led my son right into a trap. I should have known better! He screamed to himself in his thoughts as he then noticed a dark spirit emerge from his clone's body and disappear into the Force.
Don't you just love how the clone's ghost is given almost no attention by both Anakin and the author? That could have been a genuinely interesting story element. Hey, maybe Anakin could have even tried to talk to his clone's ghost, but nope, he's not important.
He looked over at his son in continued horror and then back down at the body the clone's spirit had just vacated with an idea coming to him. Maybe there's a chance... He thought to himself as he approached the body, kneeling down and waving his right hand over the clone's body to check on the severity of the injuries.
Just how does waving his hand over the body tell him about the injuries? Do ghosts have an instant diagnostic in their hands or something?
Luke continued to scream in pain as Palpatine continued his Sith lightening assault on him, his body convulsing as the electricity started to fry his tissue. Palpatine then stopped for a brief moment and sneered at Luke's weakened form with contempt. "And now you will die."
"Deja vu: The sensation that you are doing something you have done before."
Click to viewBut before he could bring his hands up again to deliver the final electric shock to Luke's body, Luke watched in shock as a red light saber blade went through Palpatine's chest and he fell to the ground dead.
My inner English major is really tingling from this sentence. It starts with Palpatine as the subject, but then mid-sentence Luke becomes the subject. Sure, some people more skilled than this author might be able to pull off a mid-sentence subject change artfully, but here it's just jarring and poorly executed.
To Luke's shock, he saw 'Vader' looking at him with crystal blue eyes that suddenly went dull. "That's twice I saved your life." 'Vader' told him as he held two fingers up in front of him. His eyes then rolled up into his head and he fell to the ground onto his stomach unconscious.
Ack, Anakin's stomach is unconscious! And wow, Anakin's critically injured and had to muster up all his strength to kill Palpatine's clone, but he still manages to joke at his son.
Despite his weakened state, Luke managed to push himself up to a seated position with his hands as the realization and shock of what just happened hit him full force. He reached his right hand out towards the still form of the man who just saved his life...again. "Father!"
Yup, Anakin's spirit possessed the body of his clone in order to save his son. A noble deed, but I have a question. Why doesn't Anakin just LEAVE the clone's body after saving Luke? Why does he stick around in this critically injured body once the deed is done? Oh wait, I know, so this author can live out her fantasy wank with Anakin being alive again.
And so ends Chapter 1. Brace yourselves for the dullness coming up.