Fic: Living a Nightmare: Part 3
Esposito was tearing his closet apart, trying to find as many blankets as possible. As a general rule, he didn't use them; he was warm blooded. There was a blue one, a brown one, a red one...where had they all come from? He gathered them all in his arms and deposited them on the living room couch. Now, clothes...anything Esposito had was sure to be too big for Ryan, but that didn't really matter as long as it was warm. He pulled out his softest, warmest sweatshirt and black sweatpants along with a long sleeved t-shirt and new, therefore fuzzy, socks. Once content with his selection, he grabbed clothes he could change into too, finally ditching the burgundy shirt. He held it out in front of him, unsure if he'd ever be able to wear it again. Shit like what went down today did things to your head, and Esposito didn't want some lousy shirt reminding him of it all.
The water for tea was boiled by the time Ryan ventured out of the bathroom, and apparently, so was Ryan's skin. "Dude, you look like a tomato!" Esposito exclaimed. Seriously, if Kevin could look that bad after water, he'd hate to see him in the sun.
"Yeah man, that's what happens when you're Irish and white. You get used to it," Ryan responded, rolling his eyes.
"Huh I wouldn't know," he said, rubbing it in as he busied himself in his attempt to locate tea bags. He wasn't much of a tea drinker, but it was too late for coffee. Though he was willing to bet that he could easily fall asleep even if he drank a pot of coffee. And booze was just a disaster waiting to happen, even if it would warm them up.
"Javier!" Ryan called sharply, surprising Esposito enough that he hit his head on the shelf above the one he was digging through. He looked up to find Ryan still standing there in nothing but a towel. Esposito quickly averted his eyes. "Are you gonna get me some clothes or would you prefer I stand here naked all night?"
"Do I have to answer that?" Esposito smirked wickedly until he saw Ryan's shocked expression. "Did I just say that out loud?" he asked tentatively, already knowing the answer.
"Yeah."
"Clothes, on my bed, you can change in there," he said curtly. Ryan left the room and Esposito let out a breath. He had to be more careful. He was letting his guard down tonight, and with good reason, he supposed, but he really had to watch himself.
Ryan dripped his way into Esposito's room, closing the door behind him and leaning his back against it. What was with all the out of character comments and actions from Javi? Ryan didn't really know how to respond to it. He padded over to the clothes laid out on the bed and quickly changed into them, only pausing when he realized there was no underwear in the pile. He shrugged, that would have been weird to share anyway. Once he was covered head to toe in warmth and fuzziness, all Ryan could think of was how everything smelled like his friend, even though it was clean. That, and he felt like a blimp. Who knew that Javi was that much bigger than him?
Ryan reappeared in the kitchen just in time to hear His partner curse angrily under his breath. "What's wrong?" he asked quickly, figuring out the problem on his own when Javi sucked two fingers into his mouth. "Javier Esposito," Ryan scolded, crossing his arms so that the too-long sleeves hung down on either side of him, "did you just burn yourself making tea?"
"It's too hot to drink," he warned, avoiding the real question.
"Come here," Ryan said, pulling him towards the sink so he could run the offended digits under cold water. Esposito signed tiredly and Ryan couldn't help but notice the dark circles under Javi's eyes. There was another thing about Javi's appearance he kept noticing, and it mocked him, angered him. "Will you do me a favor?" Ryan asked, hesitantly.
“Anything,” Esposito responded quickly.
“No, I just mean-” Ryan faltered. “You’ve done so much for me already. Will you let me…” he trailed off as he reached a hand up to gently touch the line that went around Esposito’s neck from where the rope had been. A small section on the left side was bleeding, and Ryan simply couldn’t ignore it. “Wait right here. Don’t move,” he ordered as he ran back to the bathroom for a warm washcloth and antiseptic. When he returned, he found Javi had moved to the living room couch with their tea.
“Do you want honey, or do just put that in milk?” Esposito asked bluntly. Ryan winced as if Esposito had physically hurt him.
“No, no honey, but only because I’ve uh…I’ve never really liked it all that much,” Ryan answered, sitting on the couch next to Javi, who was clearly waiting for a follow up to the confession. “Warm milk is Jenny’s thing before bed, and I’ll admit, I’m not a big fan. The honey was the only thing I could come up with to make it taste better because I liked being able to spend time together right before bed.” Ryan pulled the red blanket into his lap and noticed Javi’s head was sill tilted to the right, so he waited for a question that he knew was coming.
“Why didn’t you just have tea or something?” Esposito asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Because sometimes it’s nice to do the same thing, to share that,” Ryan said as he grinned, “Kind of like how you’re drinking tea right now. You don’t like tea that much - you’re doing it to comfort me.”
“That’s different. At least I don’t mind tea,” Esposito claimed as he took a sip from his steaming mug. “Hot!” he choked, as he reached over to set the mug on the coffee table, “Still too hot to drink!”
“Thanks for the warning,” Ryan said while trying to force down laughter. He clutched the rapidly cooling washcloth and moved closer to Javi, cornering him among the cushions and blankets. Ryan gently pressed the washcloth to the bleeding area and Esposito stiffly sat back into the cushion.
“Relax,” Ryan encouraged his partner as he applied more pressure to the area that had probably been a half-dried scab that came loose. Ryan cupped his hand that wasn’t holding the washcloth around the back of Javi’s head, and realized for the first time that the rope-burned line didn’t go all the way around to the back of his neck. He didn’t understand why at first, but then remembered how Javi pushed against the rope in an attempt to get free. It made him seethe and wish revenge on Lockwood for the pain and humiliation he caused Javi.
“So,” Esposito started with his eyes closed, “Are you gonna tell me what happened between you and Jenny?” Ryan had to process the question. His mind wasn’t there at all.
“We got in a fight the other night - you know, when Castle and Beckett could’ve been shot and we arrived to the scene late because we didn’t know they were there?” Ryan asked him as he finished cleaning his neck and went to open the bottle of antiseptic.
“Yeah, I remember. That was really recent.”
“Well, it wasn’t the first fight,” he said nonchalantly, “They’ve all been pretty recent though,” Ryan didn’t think he was going to break down and tell Javi everything, but he could tell the way he was setting up the story, that that was exactly what was going to happen.
“I swear, ever since I gave her that freaking ring she hasn’t been the same and she’s trying to change me too,” Ryan explained forcefully.
“Practice for marriage?” Esposito joked.
“No.” Ryan stopped rubbing in the cream and sat back on his heels. “No Javi, this is serious. I’m not going to change who I am. I’m a cop; it’s part of what makes me me.”
“Wait, she has issues with your job? Our job?”
“On a normal day. Imagine what she’ll say about today,” Ryan said as he continued smoothing the cream into Esposito’s skin tenderly.
“Kev, I had no idea there was trouble in paradise. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m telling you now; that has to count for something.” Javi nodded in agreement.
“Javi, she wanted me to leave you hanging,” Ryan said with exasperation as he finished tending to his partner and capped the bottle. “It even escalated to where she was hinting I should turn in my badge because the line of work was too dangerous. And the fact is, she’s right. It is dangerous. What happened today happened, and it could happen again.” Esposito’s eyes narrowed.
“Don’t say that. I won’t let it.” Ryan grabbed his mug to sip at the strong herbal tea and passed Esposito his own.
“See, that’s the thing,” Ryan said slowly as he thought through his next point, “You were with me experiencing the whole thing, the whole…ordeal. Jenny wasn’t, she’s realizing she won’t be able to help, and she doesn’t like not being in control.” Ryan paused, unsure if Javi looked like he wanted to say something.
“She just wants to protect you,” Esposito said softly, looking down into his mug as he pulled the blue blanket closer to him. Ryan couldn’t believe he was backing her up. “I’m just saying, I feel like I could put myself in her place.”
“And her way of protecting me is by forcing me to pick between her and my job?” Ryan asked heatedly. Esposito’s head shot up.
“She said that?”
“Basically. That’s where the fight led to. I walked out - I never answered, because a few days ago I couldn’t pick. Can you believe that? I didn’t know what to say then, didn’t know what to do. But I know now,” Ryan watched as Esposito’s eyes widened in, what? Fear? “It’s so weird,” Ryan started again, “because I feel like any normal person who went through what we did today and just semi-broke up with his long-term girlfriend would be more eager to ditch his badge. But me? I could never…” Ryan shook his head and Esposito breathed a sigh of relief.
“I just know…” Ryan stopped and looked meaningfully at Esposito. “I just know that I needed this. Tonight, I needed you. And you need me! I'd never abandon you, Javi. You mean the world to me.” Esposito’s breath caught in his throat at the declaration, and Ryan realized his hands were shaking as he finished. He made his decision. He actually just verbalized the decision that he lost sleep over for nights, and yet now it seemed like he knew all along what decision he would make. Or, at least he should have known all along. Ryan pondered the effects a near-death experience could have on someone. All of a sudden, everything was clear.
“I should have wanted to run right over to Jenny tonight. But I didn’t, Javi. I don’t,” Ryan summarized and then smiled. “What’s up with that?” Esposito gave him a cautious smile back.
“I don’t know, Kev. I don’t know.”
They sat together in companionable silence, each lost in their own thoughts, as it got later and later. A quick movement got Ryan’s attention and he watched as Esposito’s eyes fluttered shut a few times as he struggled to keep them open. Ryan reached over to save the mug he was holding loosely from an untimely death in pieces on the floor. Ryan heard his partner’s breathing deepen as he set the mug gently on the table. Isn't it funny how he still thought of the man as his "partner" even when they were off duty?
Esposito was slumped sideways against the back cushion of the couch, still facing Ryan. He shimmied down so he could lay his head on the same couch cushion, facing his friend. Ryan just stared. It occurred to him that he had never seen his partner sleep. Well, not like this at least. There was the time he fell asleep on his arms at work after a more distressing case, but Ryan couldn't see his face. And there was the time he got knocked out on the job, but come on, Ryan was just a bucket of nerves for that. Here, right now, Javi looked so peaceful, so angelic, so vulnerable, so unlike how he appeared when he was awake. Ryan gave in to the odd temptation he was feeling and reached out so he could cup his cheek, letting his thumb run along his partner's cheekbone. He didn't even stir. Ryan pondered the turn of events of the day- miserable and painful and cold turned into comfortable and natural and warm. They had been too exhausted to put up walls and barriers, too broken to censor what they said. Every emotion that poured out of them was pure, uninhibited, and honest. Before today Ryan wasn't sure if he was going to tell Javi about the fight he had with Jenny and on any other day he wouldn’t have admitted his fear of putting his head underwater. And he was pretty sure Javi never meant for Ryan to see him sleeping or for Ryan to take care of him. But after the trauma, it just didn't matter. It was like Javi said earlier; they could see each other like this.
"Come on, let's get you to bed," Ryan whispered, not expecting his voice to wake him if his touch didn't. He slowly pulled Esposito into a sitting position and felt his head heavy against his shoulder. They stood up together, Ryan staggering a bit under the weight. Once they made it the short distance from living room to bedroom, Esposito collapsed on the bed. Ryan pulled the covers out from under him so he could tuck him in.
"Uh-uh," he heard Javi mutter as Ryan was about to leave. "You stay here," he stated, grabbing hold of Ryan's wrist. Ryan blushed but stood firm in his decision.
"I'm just gonna sleep on the couch. It's comfy and covered on blankets." Esposito squinted his eyes open and a frown knitted his brows.
"'M better'n a blanket," he slurred, so tired he could have passed for drunk. Ryan hesitated, and then threw caution to the wind as he joined his...best friend? Work partner? Partner-partner? He didn't know what they were anymore, what word best described them. But it didn't matter. They just were.
Ryan felt Javi throw an arm over him, encouraging him to lie down. "Stop thinkin'," he said sleepily. Ryan smiled; it was good advice. He cuddled into the embrace, facing Javi just like they had been on the couch, just like they had been on the cold, wet floor of the warehouse when the nightmare finally ended.
Ryan smiled suddenly. Everything happened for a reason, right? Well, maybe they had to live a nightmare in order to live a dream. Caught up in a flood of affection and cliché thoughts of destiny, Ryan closed the distance between them and kissed Esposito lightly.
When he pulled back, he laughed at Javi's wide, surprised eyes, crinkling the corners of his own. "I did what you said," Ryan explained, "I stopped thinking."
"What will you tell her?" he asked softly. Jenny, Ryan interpreted.
"Don't worry about that now," Ryan answered, caressing his face, but Javi still looked worried, doubtful. "I'll go talk to her tomorrow, and then I'll be back," Ryan reassured him.
"'M glad," Javi said, mouth curving into a small smile. And that was all Ryan needed right then. He didn't need overblown confessions of undying love or a passionate make out session, though Ryan's face reddened as he realized he wouldn't mind either of those from Javi in the not-so-distant-future. Right now, though, he just needed Javi. Just a steady reassurance that he was cared for and protected. A constant who wasn't too macho to know he needed care and protection too. Ryan smiled as Javi yawned and gave in to closing his eyes as he tightened his grip on Ryan. Just this- a partner through thick and thin, til way after the wheels fell off, til death do us part.
Their bromance was pretty epic but their romance had the potential to be...perfect.