Pointless Babbling...
Right now i seem to be having a very rough time. I dunno why, or how my life always falls to these moments, but it does. I'm just really depressed with where my life is right now. like im in the passenger seat on the road of my life. I can't seem to climb in that driver's seat and grab the wheel...
i really ache inside... the black hole that fills the center of my chest seems very strong right now, the one that feels like your heart is being ripped out, like a gaping hole hangs right through my chest. It has returned, i guess.
My mind is just, in a hurricane. scattered. scrambled. i've spent the past few hours trying to entertain myself, to fill the void, to bring a smile to my face, but nothing works. I played SmO, but i once again couldn't play right and was doing bad, which made me feel worse. So i quit. Then i started to dwell on the fact of how much i miss interating with people... with females. I caught myself up in this, patch of emptyness. i long to be loved, to be in love. I started to remember all the fun times i had with Sara, RPing with friends... just, any female interaction. I really just miss having that hope in the day when i can go to the one i love, knowing that they care for me just the same. Being alone is the worst feeling to me, not having anyone there to just... tell me how much they love me or i dunno.
I ended up trying to find a yahoo chat RP room, but it just didnt seem to fill the void. so i gave up. Then i went to a website that somehow i remembered from Sara and Keaton, but i ended up quitting before i signed up. it just didnt seem to make me feel better. i wanted to write, but my emotions, my lack of love, just has my head in a mess... So i tried to write, and i couldnt get myself to be happy with it, to want to continue.
I'm tired of all my friends coming to me about how happy they are with their signifagant other. I am glad you all are happy, truely, but it just gets to me after a while. Its the life that i want, yet its just a thought, a dream. Pisces are natural dreamers who live in their dream world, and today my mom pulled me into reality. It always hits hard... and from her reality hit, it left me to think of every reality about me... it just makes me upset with where my life is, with who i am...
I dunno what im doing wrong with my life... 14 year olds can have fun, date, enjoy who they are. 15, 16, 17, 18 and on up, it just seems everyone has that certain thing thats there for them to put happiness back into their lives. I just don't seem to have that right now.
:( im always told to not worry, your time will come. someone will come your way. just try to be happy. but that just doesnt help at all. the problem lies in the present, not the future. how can i just try and be happy? my problem IS that im not happy, you dont just try and there ya go, problem solved. I tried to be happy... but i only dwell on my problems.
I just don't seem to have that drive anymore, wanting to hurry home to go to the one i love. I don't have anything to wake up to in the morning, and be excited cause "today is a new day in which i can be with this person, or do this, or..."... i don't really have anything to look forward to, nothing to be there to cheer me up on days when i need it the most.
Sorry for those who read it, just a stupid rant...