Ah. What a FUCKING week.
This week has been excruciatingly long. I feel as though Monday, although only 5 days ago, was about a century ago. I feel that old. And, if it HAS been a century, that would explain my sleepiness. I only get about 4-5 hours a night of sleep. So, let's see. 5 hours Monday night, 5 Tuesday night, and 4 Wednesday and Thursday nights. That's only 18 hours of sleep..in a period of 5 days. Out of 120 hours, I was awake and operational (for the most part) for 102 of those hours. Damn. I've been so tired. I've had this, like, FALSE energy all week. I need to get rid of it, and get some real energy. My "bubbliness", as one may call it, is getting on my nerves. I hate bubbliness. I hate it when people are happy, and I have no reason to be. It's jealousy, I suppose...I'm jealous that everyone else in the world has some reason to be happy, and I'm only seeing those reasons not to be.
Reason 1) Debate. It's long...It's tedious. I mean, we haven't even really done any work. But Debate, although it makes me happy, isn't just now. The whole Heidi thing. If you don't know, you never will. It's just taking a lot out of me. Like, I'm empty. I get so sad, when she'll come and talk to the people I'm sitting right next to, and won't give me a second glance. Heidi's the type of person to confront who ever is upsetting her. Why isn't she confronting me? I'd confront her, but to be totally frank, I'm scared to death of her. Of rejection, you could say...the fact that I would go up and ask to talk to her and she'd either a) ignore me, b) call me a name and walk away, or c) not show up when we agree to meet. I don't want it to inflate into a bigger drama than it already is..and I don't want anyone outside of who knows now, to know. My parents don't even know. I normally tell my mom everything. It's unusual for me not to tell her. I hope she's not getting people that shouldn't be involved, involved. I mean, people are thinking I'm this horrible person for "DITCHING" her and "BACKSTABBING" her, but I'm not doing those things. It's not my fault, actually, it is, that I work more than she does, that I grasp policy better, or whatever. It wasn't MY choice to be Varsity. This is crazy. This is the first time I've actually let my feelings flow from my mind to my fingertips, and into the keyboard. It feels good to let it roll.....
Reason 2) *coughCRUSHcough* I don't know WHY, oh why, I have a crush on him, but I do. I know he had really strong feelings for me for the longest time, I just never really reciprocated like I should. He's been my best friend for years. And now he's got a girlfriend. They're always together. If I see him, I see her. She used to be my friend, too. I don't know why I'm getting so damn jealous, and protective. He's quite good looking, and I really do think he's still attracted to me. I think his girlfriend see's this. I think she might tell him he can't talk to me or something. I'm going to have to tell him how I feel, then let him decide.
Reason 3) Tommy. He's, like, coming out. He's being really frank and almost too frank about liking me. Chase and I were kidding around on the way to Tommy's house to get his car, and then something came up and the two of us were flirting really badly with eachother. Then Tommy said, "If I'm not getting any in my car, no one is.." and that just started this ripple where every once in a while, he'd make a really, um, "dirty" comment, and I'd blush and look down. I get so uncomfortable in those situations. I mean, most of the time, I'm bordering on this thin line, between comfortable and uncomfortable. Things like that make me fall all the way off that line into the realms of the uncomfortable. I definetly do not like it there. Travis sometimes pushes me there, but not as much anymore. Just stupid little embraces...nothing. No words. Travis is ACTUALLY, if you can believe it, backing off. Thank God. But, this isn't about Travis. This is about Tommy. aRGHAGEG! Yea. That's my voiced expression.
Reason 3a) (about the "3a"...I feel that you can only have 3 reasons for any particular thing...so since I have technically more than three reasons, it has to go to "3a" because I can't exceed the number 3) My sister. That pretty much sums it up. She's really mean and hateful to me, and she doens't see it...but everyone and their brothers do. She's so horrible to me, and then doesn't understand why I don't always want her near me. She embarrasses me some way or another infront of my friends, or embarrasses my friends...GaH! It hurts, that she won't accept from anyone that she's a mean ol' butthead. I wish I could make her see.
Reason 3b)