Fear is the heart of love
A couple of months ago I saw a toddler and his mum on the street. The child was crying, I don’t remember why. Maybe I never even learned why because I had not been there from the beginning and once a child that age starts throwing a tantrum there’s not really much sense to be made of it anymore. The woman tried sweet talking and when that didn’t work she pretended to leave the child behind. She made a big show of announcing her departure, walking two steps, then turned around and waved to the child. He stopped crying and looked at her, unsure what to do. The mum turned away again and took another step. I saw the panicked look in the child’s eyes before he quickly ran after her.
It seems like such a small incident to me now. I know this child is probably the dearest being to her heart and she would never leave him behind. And three steps really is no distance at all. But I remember the absolute terror I felt when my mum did that.
And in a way I think, I am still the same. When I am in love I love them with all I have and I hope that they love me too. But I am not sure of it. When they show signs of distancing themselves without an explanation or warning like “I need a couple of days to myself”, I too, get panicky. I want to run after them and be reassured that they still love me.
Ideally I’d be sure that the person loves me as much as I love them. That they just need a little time for themselves like I do sometimes. That’s the weird thing. I understand it so well, because I am a pretty lonely wolf myself sometimes. I understand needing space and time all alone just to think and breath and dream. Or time to hide and not shower and not see anyone and do nothing at all.
I am self-contained except in this one type of relationship where I am driven by fear and insecurity.
It seems like such a small incident to me now. I know this child is probably the dearest being to her heart and she would never leave him behind. And three steps really is no distance at all. But I remember the absolute terror I felt when my mum did that.
And in a way I think, I am still the same. When I am in love I love them with all I have and I hope that they love me too. But I am not sure of it. When they show signs of distancing themselves without an explanation or warning like “I need a couple of days to myself”, I too, get panicky. I want to run after them and be reassured that they still love me.
Ideally I’d be sure that the person loves me as much as I love them. That they just need a little time for themselves like I do sometimes. That’s the weird thing. I understand it so well, because I am a pretty lonely wolf myself sometimes. I understand needing space and time all alone just to think and breath and dream. Or time to hide and not shower and not see anyone and do nothing at all.
I am self-contained except in this one type of relationship where I am driven by fear and insecurity.