Just Layin' Around

[estherchaya]

So here's a hypthetical for you: Suppose you told a healthy, non-pregnant woman (or man for that matter) that she may not get out of bed for four months with the exception of trips to the bathroom and doctor's appointments. Would she think of that four months as being a mini spa vacation? I think not. And would her friends say "oh how relaxing this

Comments

[twostepsfwd]

i friended you a while ago but figured i should introduce myself - we have a bunch of friends and interests in common so i decided to add you, i hope that's ok (if it's not, let me know).

i would never ever in a million years tell someone on bedrest how relaxing it must be - it actually sounds like hell to me. i am so sorry things are going so stressfully with this pregnancy and i will keep you in my prayers for a healthy and easy-as-possible remainder of your pregnancy.

[estherchaya]

I think people assume it's relaxing because they assume it comes along with a freedom of responsibilities at home and at work. But I'm still accountable for my actions, and various responsibilities. I've still got work calling me for the status of projects that were put on hold when I left. I've still got four kids who need me, a house that needs to be ready for Pesach next week, a nanny who has to get paid, insurance companies that need to be harassed.

I'd certainly welcome bed rest if it also meant exoneration from responsibility. But as a mother of four who previously contributed 50% of the household income (and we were struggling to make the bills when I was fully employed!), it's no cake walk. But I do know most people don't realize that without being told.

Anyway, the good news is that no pregnancy is permanent - this too shall pass, thank heavens.

[twostepsfwd]

there's nothing relaxing about worrying about a pregnancy... only less so when it takes you away from your (considerable) family responsibilities. if you'd give me your mishaberach name i will put you on my tehillim list

[estherchaya]

Thanks - it's Esther Chaya bas Sarah

[childlight]

Reminds me of when I was a kid and jealous that my cousin who was sick was getting all sorts of attention and got to stay home from school and stay in bed. My mom made me read a book with her about sibling cats where one brother was sick with chicken pox and had to stay in bed. The healthy brother was all jealous until he caught chicken pox and realized he would rather be outside playing with his now recovered brother.
I never forgot that lesson.

[estherchaya]

That's a very apt analogy - totally en pointe.

I had a friend who ceased being my friend after my triplets were born. She and I were pregnant at the same time - her with a singleton, me with the triplets. Her baby was born (full-term) a week after my triplets were born (pre-term). She has barely spoken to me since and I'm nearly positive it's because she was annoyed at all the attention we got for having triplets, and for having preemies. Sick, yes. But good riddance, I suppose.

[atimesif]

Sounds like this friend is totally clueless.

I view this pregnancy as extreme suffering on your part and that your dedication to growing and raising children will be a great merit for you for many years to come!

I think that because you cope so well (I personally think of you as super-mom!) people under-estimate your suffering. I remember thinking at one point - if there's anyone who can handle this - it's Karen!

BTW, does Julian know that this is not forever? Does he know that it's max two more months? Is he the type to worry about this kind of thing?

After this ordeal is over and you get back to yourself physically then you and your husband need a real vacation!

[estherchaya]

Well, yes, she does happen to be totally clueless. Though she's definitely not the only person to have offered that kind of support over all this.

Julian probably knows more than any of us that this isn't forever - since he's been through this with us before. He's taking it all in stride, it seems.

I'm by no means super-mom, but it's good to hear that I've pulled the wool over your eyes at least! :)

[thefourthvine]

The people who say "enjoy the bed rest" are, I think, the same people, or at least close cousins to the people who say, to a couple trying to conceive, "At least it's fun trying!" It's the same kind of comment. It's also clearly something people say without thinking. (I had someone tell me "it's sure fun trying, right?" and I'm a lesbian - what did he think we were *doing* to try to get me pregnant? Because IUIs are not all unicorns and cookies, or even orgasms. At least, not in my experience; maybe they kept the Magical Unicorn Orgasm Speculum in the other exam room.)

[estherchaya]

You're quite correct - we did so tire of the "at least it's fun trying" speech - even though it was obviously more accurate for us than for you. It wasn't fun in the least. Infertility takes all the romance and spontaneity out of such things.

Obviously no one says these things maliciously or thinks they're being anything but supportive. And it really is MORE important to react to someone's intentions rather than to their specific words, but it's still something I'll blither on about behind their back regardless. ;)

[atimesif]

One more comment - you didn't get yourself into this mess.

It's normal to want another child. The hypermesis in your last pregnancy was attributed to the HOM so there was no real reason to expect it again.

In my opinion, G-d got you into this mess.
We just have to try to grin and bare it and make it out alive.
And maybe find some meaning in it.
Won't you really appreciate regular every day life after this!?
I certainly do after I read your posts!
And not only that, you'll appreciate your triplets even more - it only cost you one pregnancy and you got 3 kids. Imagine if your first and second pregnancies were singletons with hypermesis and you'd have decided to stop trying for more. You'd have two kids less!

Anyway, I really don't think that you brought this on yourself although it may sometimes feel like it.

We're rooting for you! Hang in there!