i don't think i can trust love anymore
I hate that my boyfriend is of legal drinking age. I wish he were 20. I hate drinking. I hate alcohol. It's different when I'm right there. I get nervous. It doesn't matter when, where, who, etc., I get nervous. I don't like drinking. Why? Jon? My aunt? Paranoia? Insecurity? I fucking hate it and I have no right to ask him not to do it. I just need to get over it but ugh I hate the feeling. I hate it.
We've skipped the bullshit. I like this. When we talk about serious things, I can tell his tone of voice changes and he is uncomfortable, yet sometimes his words say otherwise. But sometimes I need to talk about it, to reassure myself, to become more secure with everything. I was seriously bummed at work today because I just had this gut feeling that someday, somehow, he will leave. My intuitions usually are correct. I was walking down the aisle, tucking shoelaces back into boxes, and it just hit me. Fucking a, what would I do. I want this to go somewhere, I'm serious about this.
I had more to say but I forgot it.
Today was my first day of work at Payless. I hated it. Joe is nice, I make an okay amount, but I hate the job so far. I don't do the register yet or fill the shelves, but I hate this job. Eventually, I will have to take deposits and open the store. I don't know how long I will last and I would feel horrible about leaving because Joe really likes me. He hired me early because he didn't want to lose me. I'm the new person - covering for a girl that is leaving now that she graduated college and is going to start teaching in the fall. I'm the first person he's hired in three years. I'm going to give it a few weeks. Who knows. This is going to suck.
It drizzled all day.
When I visited Will last month, we were pulled over in Daytona because I was taking pictures out of the car window and the cop thought it was a strobe light. That was an experience.
I really need to email my dad.
I need to write in the book I bought to write to him in.
My ramen noodles sucked tonight.
I had one soda and a shitty headache. I eventually took 3 ibuprofen and now I feel okay.
I have an ENT appointment at 10 on Thursday. I will find out the results of my CT scans. I will probably schedule surgery.
I need to brush my teeth.
I am bummed and it's making my conversation with Will right now suck. I'm surprised he hasn't said anything. I will not talk to him at all tomorrow (at least not until 10 or so) because he'll be at Meg O'Malley's with Duncan, knocking back pints of beer. Irish beer.
I saw the video for "Wild Boys" today. I loved it. Duran Duran is so awesome.
Tomorrow I need to take a thorough shower.
Will and I are camping Wednesday night. In a tent. With a lantern and tarp.
What am I going to wear to work tomorrow?
I need to find khakis.
I got the most awesome boots Sunday night. They're bright orange. I love them. I will look fabulous in them with jeans. Or my new black pants. So awesome.
I also got some awesome black heels. I wanted the radioactive neon holy fuck that's bright blue heels but I had to choose between the boots or the heels so I took the awesome boots.
I think my headache is still here.
I'm thirsty.
I work at 3pm tomorrow with Danielle, the girl I'm replacing. Joe is on vacation until next Tuesday. I'm off Wednesday and Thursday. And then Sunday and Monday.
I wonder if my dad's smallpox are gone.
I hope it does not rain tomorrow. I do hope that it is cloudy.
I need money to eat while at work.
I found an awesome dress at Target. It was on sale. They didn't have my size. I needed it.
My employee discount is 20%. But only after I work there for a month.
I hope I have surgery soon. I can't breathe. I felt one of my polyps moving again. It's annoying.
I should irrigate.
This entry is so awesome.
It's friends list clogging.
Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract" is on tv. I forgot how retarded this video was.
I'm off to bed I think. I'm really bummed right now, so I don't think I can crank out a good entry.