Contemplating...
So last night was so amazingly... refreshing. We talked forever about so much stuff. I mean my trust in my friends is so deep right now. I love you guys with all my heart.
But I was thinking things over today. Things somewhat friend-related... Things that confirmed my resolution NOT to get sucked into dating again. I don't like the pressure I see being put upon people to act a certain way. I don't like how it made me manic to certain habits. I was basically a slave to the ways he lived his life. I came at his command. HOW DISGUSTINGLY WRONG IS THAT? For the past year and a half, the guys I've liked have challenged my beliefs, and they have not fully respected them. I came to this conclusion about the past two guys: The first tried to convert me in order to date me. The second dated me with the hopes of converting me. Now do people see why I sometimes get bitter about religion? It has nothing to do with God, it has everything to do with people.
But I digress from that. I don't know what will happen this year. Maybe I'll find some guy who is amazing beyond all recognizable belief. But right now, I know that I don't want to date anymore. At least not until next year or college. Last winter, I almost completely stopped believing in love, but I followed a path that seemingly only existed in my hopeful mind. It "melted" my heart, per se, but it did not make me think that dating is something that just happens over night. Instant gratification. It's what this five-second-results culture wants and likes. But if I'm going to be instantly gratified, then realistically it would be with some 16- or 17-year-old. Most guys at that age are IMMATURE. They don't know what they want, and when they start to figure it out, I'm not included in those plans. But going even deeper. Instant gratification will not win me the satisfaction I want out of a relationship. I want someone who knows himself, who respects himself enough to respect me. I want someone who is secure enough in his beliefs to absolutely respect mine. And holding out hope that I'll convert is NOT respectful, even if you don't tell me.
And I want the chance to find myself without answering to someone else. So I want the independence that I tried to obtain for myself last winter. I want nothing to stand in the way of what I want to achieve in my life. And if something is a guy, then it needs to not be there. Sure, there's a happy medium out there somewhere, but with my emotionally-unstable ways, I don't want to test it again. For the past six months, there hasn't been a happy medium. It was more of an unrealistic, apprehensive extreme. I was so wrapped up in dating someone, that I hardly remember what went on in school in the last few months then. That CANNOT happen in my junior year. This is a hugely crucial year for me, and I have made resolutions to make it one of my best years ever. I WILL get that elusive 98 average, I WILL speak up in class, I WILL ask questions no matter who snickers at me, I WILL pay attention no matter what time of day it is, I WILL practice what needs to be practiced, and the perfect it, I WILL achieve what I want this year. And if some things are partially out of my control, then I can manipulate my portion to make it be the best portion anyone has ever seen or wanted. I will be undeniably what I want. I must remember: I don't owe explanations for furthering myself if it doesn't harm anyone. I owe everything to myself, and I am determined to make this year amazing. Unimpeded and unblocked.
Peace out, loves.