RANDOM HUMOR
When hunting around for more information on the movie "Looking for Humor in the Muslim World" I found this.
Here are some anecdotes taken from Bernard Lewis's translations of Arabic works. These are several hundred years old.
Someone said to Ash'ab: If you were to relate hadith and stop telling jokes, you would be doing a nobler thing.
"By God", answered Ash'ab. "I have heard traditions and related them."
"Then tell us, " said the man.
"I have heard from Nafi`" said Ash'ab," on the authority of Ibn `Umar, that the Prophet of God, may God bless and save him, said, `There are two qualities, such that whoever has them is among God's elect.'"
"That is a fine tradition," said the man. "What are these two qualities ?"
"Nafi` forgot one and I have forgotten the other," said Ash'ab.
***
Some people came to al-Rustumi's house on some business, and the time came for the midday prayer. They asked him, "Which is the direction of Mecca in this house of yours ?" He replied," I only moved in a month ago."
***
A man of the Qadari School was traveling in the company of a Magian. The Qadari asked him, "Why don't you become a Muslim, you Magian?" "When God wills it," replied the Magian. "God has already willed it," said the Qadari, "but the devil won't let you. " "I am with the stronger," said the Magian.
***
A Bedouin went to market and heard them speaking bad Arabic.
"Praise be to God," he said. "They commit solecisms, and make profits. We commit no solecisms and make no profits !"
***
Sultan Mahmud [of Ghazni] was attending a sermon in the Mosque. Talhak went there after him. When he arrived, the preacher stood up and said that if anyone had committed pederasty, then on the Day of Judgement the youth whom he had abused would be placed on his neck, and he would have to carry him over the Bridge of Doom.
Sultan Mahmud wept.
Talhak said "O Sultan, do not weep but be of good cheer. On that day you won't have to go on foot either."
***
A man announced that he was God. He was brought before the Caliph who said to him "Last year there was someone here who claimed to be a prophet. He was executed." "That was well done," said the man, "for I had not sent him."
***
A Razi, Gilani and a Qazvini went together on pilgrimmage. The Qazvini was bankrupt, the Razi and the Gilani were rich. When the Razi put his hand on the curtain ring of the Ka'ba, he said, "O God, in thanksgiving to Thee for bringing me here safely I set free my slaves Balban and Banafsha." When the Gilani grasped the curtain ring, he said, "In thanksgiving for this I set free my slaves Mubarak and Sunqur." When the Qazvini grasped the curtain ring he said, "O God, Thou knowest I have neither Balban nor Sunqur,neither Banafsha nor Mubarak. In thanksgiving for this, therefore, I set free my old Fatima with a triple divorce."
***
In the time of the Caliph Wathiq, a woman laid claim to prophethood.
The Caliph asked her, "Was Muhammad a Prophet ?"
"Certainly," she replied.
"Then," said the Caliph, "since Muhammad said, "There will be no Prophet after me", your claim is false."
The woman replied, "He said `There will be no Prophet after me.' He did not say, `There will be no Prophetess after me.'"
***
A tumbler scolded his son and said, "You do no work and you waste your time in idleness. How often must I tell you to practice somersaults and to learn how to dance on a rope and to make a dog jump through a hoop so that you can achieve something with your
life. If you don't listen to me, I swear by God I shall abandon you to the madrasa to learn their dead and useless science and to become a scholar so as to live in contempt and misery and adversity and never be able to earn a penny wherever you go. "
***
Mawlana Sharaf al-Din Damghani was passing by the door of a mosque just as the mosque servant got hold of a dog and beat him inside the mosque. The dog howled. Mawlana opened the mosque door and the dog fled. The mosque servant abused the Mawlana. "My friend," said Mawlana, "excuse the dog. He has no understanding: that is why he went into the mosque. We others, who have understanding, you will never see us in the mosque."
***
In the month of Ramadan someone said to a dealer, "In this month there is no business." He answered "God give long life to the Jews
and the Christians."
***
One day Abu Nawas was seen with a glass of wine in his hand, a bunch of grapes on his right, and a dish of raisins on his left, and every time he drank from the glass he took a grape and a raisin. "What does this mean ?" they asked him, and he replied, "This is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
***
A man who claimed to be a prophet was brought before the Caliph al-Mu`tasim.
Al-Mu`tasim said, "I bear witness that you are a stupid prophet."
The man replied, "I have only come to people like you."
***
The Caliph al-Mutawakkil asked a slave-girl whom he was inspecting,
"Are you a virgin or what ?" "I am what, O Commander of the Faithful," she replied.
***
Ash'ab heard Hubba the woman of Medina say "O please God, do not let me die until you have forgiven me for my sins !"
Ash'ab said to her, "Wicked woman ! You are not asking God for forgiveness, you are asking Him for immortality. "
Here are some anecdotes taken from Bernard Lewis's translations of Arabic works. These are several hundred years old.
Someone said to Ash'ab: If you were to relate hadith and stop telling jokes, you would be doing a nobler thing.
"By God", answered Ash'ab. "I have heard traditions and related them."
"Then tell us, " said the man.
"I have heard from Nafi`" said Ash'ab," on the authority of Ibn `Umar, that the Prophet of God, may God bless and save him, said, `There are two qualities, such that whoever has them is among God's elect.'"
"That is a fine tradition," said the man. "What are these two qualities ?"
"Nafi` forgot one and I have forgotten the other," said Ash'ab.
***
Some people came to al-Rustumi's house on some business, and the time came for the midday prayer. They asked him, "Which is the direction of Mecca in this house of yours ?" He replied," I only moved in a month ago."
***
A man of the Qadari School was traveling in the company of a Magian. The Qadari asked him, "Why don't you become a Muslim, you Magian?" "When God wills it," replied the Magian. "God has already willed it," said the Qadari, "but the devil won't let you. " "I am with the stronger," said the Magian.
***
A Bedouin went to market and heard them speaking bad Arabic.
"Praise be to God," he said. "They commit solecisms, and make profits. We commit no solecisms and make no profits !"
***
Sultan Mahmud [of Ghazni] was attending a sermon in the Mosque. Talhak went there after him. When he arrived, the preacher stood up and said that if anyone had committed pederasty, then on the Day of Judgement the youth whom he had abused would be placed on his neck, and he would have to carry him over the Bridge of Doom.
Sultan Mahmud wept.
Talhak said "O Sultan, do not weep but be of good cheer. On that day you won't have to go on foot either."
***
A man announced that he was God. He was brought before the Caliph who said to him "Last year there was someone here who claimed to be a prophet. He was executed." "That was well done," said the man, "for I had not sent him."
***
A Razi, Gilani and a Qazvini went together on pilgrimmage. The Qazvini was bankrupt, the Razi and the Gilani were rich. When the Razi put his hand on the curtain ring of the Ka'ba, he said, "O God, in thanksgiving to Thee for bringing me here safely I set free my slaves Balban and Banafsha." When the Gilani grasped the curtain ring, he said, "In thanksgiving for this I set free my slaves Mubarak and Sunqur." When the Qazvini grasped the curtain ring he said, "O God, Thou knowest I have neither Balban nor Sunqur,neither Banafsha nor Mubarak. In thanksgiving for this, therefore, I set free my old Fatima with a triple divorce."
***
In the time of the Caliph Wathiq, a woman laid claim to prophethood.
The Caliph asked her, "Was Muhammad a Prophet ?"
"Certainly," she replied.
"Then," said the Caliph, "since Muhammad said, "There will be no Prophet after me", your claim is false."
The woman replied, "He said `There will be no Prophet after me.' He did not say, `There will be no Prophetess after me.'"
***
A tumbler scolded his son and said, "You do no work and you waste your time in idleness. How often must I tell you to practice somersaults and to learn how to dance on a rope and to make a dog jump through a hoop so that you can achieve something with your
life. If you don't listen to me, I swear by God I shall abandon you to the madrasa to learn their dead and useless science and to become a scholar so as to live in contempt and misery and adversity and never be able to earn a penny wherever you go. "
***
Mawlana Sharaf al-Din Damghani was passing by the door of a mosque just as the mosque servant got hold of a dog and beat him inside the mosque. The dog howled. Mawlana opened the mosque door and the dog fled. The mosque servant abused the Mawlana. "My friend," said Mawlana, "excuse the dog. He has no understanding: that is why he went into the mosque. We others, who have understanding, you will never see us in the mosque."
***
In the month of Ramadan someone said to a dealer, "In this month there is no business." He answered "God give long life to the Jews
and the Christians."
***
One day Abu Nawas was seen with a glass of wine in his hand, a bunch of grapes on his right, and a dish of raisins on his left, and every time he drank from the glass he took a grape and a raisin. "What does this mean ?" they asked him, and he replied, "This is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
***
A man who claimed to be a prophet was brought before the Caliph al-Mu`tasim.
Al-Mu`tasim said, "I bear witness that you are a stupid prophet."
The man replied, "I have only come to people like you."
***
The Caliph al-Mutawakkil asked a slave-girl whom he was inspecting,
"Are you a virgin or what ?" "I am what, O Commander of the Faithful," she replied.
***
Ash'ab heard Hubba the woman of Medina say "O please God, do not let me die until you have forgiven me for my sins !"
Ash'ab said to her, "Wicked woman ! You are not asking God for forgiveness, you are asking Him for immortality. "