It does now cleanse the soul
It's been a week, so I'm checking back in here as I said I would. So, in case there are any people who are still reading this, I'll start with what exactly has happened with me.
Things have changed a lot in pretty much every area of my life. Mentally, I'm doing quite well. I haven't had a major relapse in about six weeks and I'm handling day to day stress much better than I really ever thought I could. There have been a lot of bumps in the road, of course, but overall, I've improved by leaps and bounds. Fought tooth and nail to make it this far, but it's so worth it. And I've gotta keep fighting, because every day is its own struggle.
My personal life...has been completely destroyed and rebuilt over the last year. My marriage has officially failed. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is a good thing. It had to happen. He and I had spent far too long trying to force something that just wasn't going to work. And after spending all that time trying to fix something that was completely beyond repair, we both just had to face the truth: Neither of us felt the same about each other as we used to, and trying to force feelings that just aren't there benefits no one. It was an inevitable turn that my life had to take. Despite that fact, our separation hit me hard. I do love him, and I always will...he was there for me, always. He helped me get through the most devastating period of my life, one that I'm still struggling against, and that I will almost certainly never fully recover from. And if he hadn't been there, I don't know if I'd have made it to where I am. Or at least where I was before I had my accident. We loved each other...and I'm grateful for that love. But that was then, and it has evolved into something different now.
After we decided that separating would be the best thing to do, I moved into a place by myself. At first, I was still feeling the effects of the failure of my marriage. I could barely get out of bed each morning, and I just wanted to fall into someone's arms and cry to them. That's when I decided that I was going to make this journey myself. I've always been dependent on others. While I've never been a completely hopeless case who needed someone to do everything for me, I'd always leaned on others for support and expected other people to lift me up when I reach my lowest. This is something that I need to change. I need to learn to pick myself up and to live without always having the support of someone else.
This is an extreme change for me. For basically all of my life, I've had someone there who would take care of me. Granted, I've legitimately needed it with a lot of the things I've been through, but because of that, I came to rely on it, and I have to break that and learn to fully stand on my own feet. So I am now living alone for the first time in...about six years. I think I'm doing okay. Things could definitely be better, but they could also be a lot worse. I have to remember that I'm still, and probably always will be, mentally and emotionally unstable, to some degree. So I have to find my comfort zone. If I reach too far, I will break, and that will set me back a long way. But I also can't fold too quickly. I have to stay committed and grit my teeth, even when it's hard. Finding that spot is a real challenge, but I'm doing okay.
I also realized after moving out on my own that I really didn't know myself anywhere near as well as I'd like to. I had lost touch with myself quite a while ago. With all the chaos of my life after the accident, I really lost touch with who I am, which is a big problem. How can I accept myself if I don't even know myself that well? So I've dedicated most of my free time to getting back in touch with myself. I've welcomed a lot of new experiences and done a lot of soul searching. From my sexuality to my spirituality to my own goals and desires, I've dedicated myself to truly finding myself in all facets. Perhaps I'll get into some specifics of that in a later entry.
Currently, I'm just trying to make my own living and depend on no one else. I'm scratching up enough money to pay the bills. Working two full-time jobs. One is at the same place I worked when I updated this frequently - the diner. I've actually become an Assistant Manager there, so I'm busy. It's pretty stressful, but I welcome the extra pay. I can't afford an internet connection at my house, which is why my internet access is so infrequent. I can only get online from a friend's house, but I can usually make it weekly. My friend, Jessi, carpools to work. I usually stay at her house and join her on days that I'm off from my other job (which would be Tuesday and Wednesday). It's convenient, and I get to spend time with her, which is delightful. It's nice to not have to be alone every single day when I'm not working.
Hopefully I'll be able to hook up some kind of internet at my own house sometime in the future. Until I can, I'll be checking in here and reading weekly. And I'll update at whatever pace I find that works for me. But I'll definitely keep this thing going, regardless of who is reading. I'll also try to comment, or as much as my generally reserved nature allows me to, anyway. Though it will possibly be awkward, as I'm not sure if some of you even remember me. :p
So, that'll be all for now. It's good to be back. :)
Things have changed a lot in pretty much every area of my life. Mentally, I'm doing quite well. I haven't had a major relapse in about six weeks and I'm handling day to day stress much better than I really ever thought I could. There have been a lot of bumps in the road, of course, but overall, I've improved by leaps and bounds. Fought tooth and nail to make it this far, but it's so worth it. And I've gotta keep fighting, because every day is its own struggle.
My personal life...has been completely destroyed and rebuilt over the last year. My marriage has officially failed. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is a good thing. It had to happen. He and I had spent far too long trying to force something that just wasn't going to work. And after spending all that time trying to fix something that was completely beyond repair, we both just had to face the truth: Neither of us felt the same about each other as we used to, and trying to force feelings that just aren't there benefits no one. It was an inevitable turn that my life had to take. Despite that fact, our separation hit me hard. I do love him, and I always will...he was there for me, always. He helped me get through the most devastating period of my life, one that I'm still struggling against, and that I will almost certainly never fully recover from. And if he hadn't been there, I don't know if I'd have made it to where I am. Or at least where I was before I had my accident. We loved each other...and I'm grateful for that love. But that was then, and it has evolved into something different now.
After we decided that separating would be the best thing to do, I moved into a place by myself. At first, I was still feeling the effects of the failure of my marriage. I could barely get out of bed each morning, and I just wanted to fall into someone's arms and cry to them. That's when I decided that I was going to make this journey myself. I've always been dependent on others. While I've never been a completely hopeless case who needed someone to do everything for me, I'd always leaned on others for support and expected other people to lift me up when I reach my lowest. This is something that I need to change. I need to learn to pick myself up and to live without always having the support of someone else.
This is an extreme change for me. For basically all of my life, I've had someone there who would take care of me. Granted, I've legitimately needed it with a lot of the things I've been through, but because of that, I came to rely on it, and I have to break that and learn to fully stand on my own feet. So I am now living alone for the first time in...about six years. I think I'm doing okay. Things could definitely be better, but they could also be a lot worse. I have to remember that I'm still, and probably always will be, mentally and emotionally unstable, to some degree. So I have to find my comfort zone. If I reach too far, I will break, and that will set me back a long way. But I also can't fold too quickly. I have to stay committed and grit my teeth, even when it's hard. Finding that spot is a real challenge, but I'm doing okay.
I also realized after moving out on my own that I really didn't know myself anywhere near as well as I'd like to. I had lost touch with myself quite a while ago. With all the chaos of my life after the accident, I really lost touch with who I am, which is a big problem. How can I accept myself if I don't even know myself that well? So I've dedicated most of my free time to getting back in touch with myself. I've welcomed a lot of new experiences and done a lot of soul searching. From my sexuality to my spirituality to my own goals and desires, I've dedicated myself to truly finding myself in all facets. Perhaps I'll get into some specifics of that in a later entry.
Currently, I'm just trying to make my own living and depend on no one else. I'm scratching up enough money to pay the bills. Working two full-time jobs. One is at the same place I worked when I updated this frequently - the diner. I've actually become an Assistant Manager there, so I'm busy. It's pretty stressful, but I welcome the extra pay. I can't afford an internet connection at my house, which is why my internet access is so infrequent. I can only get online from a friend's house, but I can usually make it weekly. My friend, Jessi, carpools to work. I usually stay at her house and join her on days that I'm off from my other job (which would be Tuesday and Wednesday). It's convenient, and I get to spend time with her, which is delightful. It's nice to not have to be alone every single day when I'm not working.
Hopefully I'll be able to hook up some kind of internet at my own house sometime in the future. Until I can, I'll be checking in here and reading weekly. And I'll update at whatever pace I find that works for me. But I'll definitely keep this thing going, regardless of who is reading. I'll also try to comment, or as much as my generally reserved nature allows me to, anyway. Though it will possibly be awkward, as I'm not sure if some of you even remember me. :p
So, that'll be all for now. It's good to be back. :)