What life is really like.
Wow. I'm kidding myself every time I dream of things getting better with my family and in my own life. Dreaming. My brother hasn't been living at home for at least a week because my father kicked him out. And my mom informed me today that she and my dad are getting a divorce.
Thats not to mention the fact that I might not be able to graduate on time because I had to withdraw from a class earlier this semester. A class that I need for my major.
That's not even important, though. My family is what's important to me, and since that's all but fallen apart, I'm really not sure what to do anymore.
My mother and I may be moving to my grandmother's house in cheshire. Yeah, the one I believe is haunted. The one I can't bear to sleep at alone even for one night.
I started praying again a while ago, but it doesn't feel right to pray when I don't even know what I believe. When I feel like God, if he's there, must be punishing me and my family for I don't know what.
Everything is about to change. I'm usually okay with change, but I don't normally have to deal with these huge life-changing changes. And I'm scared. The hardest part is knowing how much my family members love each other. Well then why do we keep hurting each other so much?
I have nightmares every few weeks about my brother killing himself. It's a real fear of mine that I face every day. And when he posts a facebook status about how he doesn't know what to do anymore, that he's given up, that he wants to die - I don't know what he'll actually do, but the fact that he's saying it, thinking about it, is bad enough.
Me, I try to be okay. Act like im okay. Look okay. Don't cry in front of other people.
But im not okay. In fact, I'm the furthest from okay I have ever been in my entire life. And I don't know how to handle it.
I know I have great friends and supportive people in my life. But there's nothing anyone can do except listen, tell me they're here for me and that they love me. All of which I appreciate. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the pit that's always in my stomach now, the fact I get no sleep. The fact that my parents don't even speak to each other. That my mother is truly in this alone because im not home to support her against my father. The nightmares we all have. My brother won't even be home for thanksgiving and all I want to do is see him.
God, if my worst fears come true and he were to ever hurt himself...
Then he might as well kill me, too. Because that's what would happen. My parents, too. We wouldn't physically harm ourselves, but we would be dead inside.
I crave normalcy. I want my brother to be okay again. He's the person I care about most in the entire world. And I tell him as much all the time. My mother does everything in her power to help him and he throws it away.
I really just want this part of my life to be over. To fast forward to the part when everything is okay again.
Today is the first time I've admitted how truly bad everything is.
It doesn't make anything better. I don't feel better, and it doesn't help the situation. I'm probably going to accidentally sleep through class in the morning again because sleep won't come to me right now.
I wonder if going to church again would help. Therapy. I don't know. I only know that I want my little brother to be safe and happy. I want the same for mom and dad. I pray that it will be achieved.
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