(no subject)
"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts...."
where is my strength, it only carrys me so far i guess. i dont know how life seems like from other peoples perspectives but it seems like ive had enough hardships to divide up between a thougsand people. why did crap happen to me at such a young crucial age why did my mom die why am i here now why am i like i am why cant i understand why am i so focused but completely unfocused at the same time why? just dont get it. why dod God let me go through some things? theres some things that no one knows, theyre my deep dark rank disgusting rotten secrets that grow worse by the second they reach out and affect the life i lead they seem to control me but i cant seem to take control again, im tired of struggling, im tired of wishing i could fast forward ten years to a perfect life, i want to be usable i want to be made whole again. i want to feel like theres some point to keeping on and trying to excel, i want a motivation for life, i wanna be happy, but dont we all. i Hate myself right now i hate how i feel these ways i hate how i fail over and over again i hate how i have a mask around people, i hate who i have become. is it going through an "identity crisis"? thats what some people say but i know who i am, i can pinpoint it most all right now but the conflict comes from that i despise that who i am i wish more than anything id wake up from this nightmare and everything would be great again. i hate who i am i Hate him. im so selfish, that id even just put this all in a LJ so that random people read it, who cares? nobody.
God, i know i dont feel you, it seems like youre not even there in reality sometimes but i know that there was a time when i knew you were there, it was no question so im gonna rely on that, im gonna go on it and strive forward. no more of this day by day crap im gonna give it all to you, im trusting you that if i hand it to you you take it and make it right, heal the damage i did to myself. i pray you wash my soul, cleans me Lord. make me usable.