Debate
I have managed for a long time now to control my thoughts and just keep working with things. Right now I am so busy, I would kill myself if I tried to do debate. I bately can manage balancing the things I have now, and the sheer commitment debate requires, would cause me to go jump off a bridge. And yet I still end up missing it. It's as if when I quit, someone grabbed ahold of the piece of debate, and yanked out every string connecting it to anyone else. Once in a while Tom will IM me (about every other month or so), but otherwise, I don't hear from anyone on the team. Marty waved to me out of his car Friday morning, and it was odd seeing him. The team is a very inclusive, exclusive group. You're either a debater, and you are fully integrated into the team, only hanging out with it on weekends at parties, and going to all the tournaments--you are with them constantly--or you're not any part of it. And the only way you can become an exception to that rule, is to be very good at tournaments, and then they'll let you get away with being gone.
Next year, I'll have enough time to put into debate again (I'll be dropping my regional commitments, and only taking 12 credit hours)but I don't know if I will. It would be nice to, I did enjoy the competition, and I would finally have enough time to devote to getting things done, but I don't think I could be a member of the team again. I wasn't all that able to fit in before, and I don't know if I can again. I don't want to live my life with the team--I do have friends that throw other parties. I also used to think I'd be afraid of seeing Matt, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. The other reason I would be hesistant to join again, is that Daniel will be up here, and I don't know how he'd feel about me being gone so often.
And on the subject of Matt, he still pops into my dreams once in a while. I don't think that's something I am ever goign to be able to fix. But I'm doing really well. That includes minus Daniel I'm doing a lot better. I've put on a little weight, and it's really working for me. I still fit into my clothes (yay), and I have a bit more curve to me. Andy says that I look a lot healthier so he approves. I don't know, I woke up feeling really sad because of all these aforementioned changes that my dream reminded me of...but I'm still feeling really upbeat right now. The main reason I'd want to go back to debate is just to prove I could do it. That I can do well at it. I can't hide from things just because I don't feel like i'd fit in. I like who I am, and god, I'm starting to sound valley girl, so I'm ending it.
Next year, I'll have enough time to put into debate again (I'll be dropping my regional commitments, and only taking 12 credit hours)but I don't know if I will. It would be nice to, I did enjoy the competition, and I would finally have enough time to devote to getting things done, but I don't think I could be a member of the team again. I wasn't all that able to fit in before, and I don't know if I can again. I don't want to live my life with the team--I do have friends that throw other parties. I also used to think I'd be afraid of seeing Matt, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. The other reason I would be hesistant to join again, is that Daniel will be up here, and I don't know how he'd feel about me being gone so often.
And on the subject of Matt, he still pops into my dreams once in a while. I don't think that's something I am ever goign to be able to fix. But I'm doing really well. That includes minus Daniel I'm doing a lot better. I've put on a little weight, and it's really working for me. I still fit into my clothes (yay), and I have a bit more curve to me. Andy says that I look a lot healthier so he approves. I don't know, I woke up feeling really sad because of all these aforementioned changes that my dream reminded me of...but I'm still feeling really upbeat right now. The main reason I'd want to go back to debate is just to prove I could do it. That I can do well at it. I can't hide from things just because I don't feel like i'd fit in. I like who I am, and god, I'm starting to sound valley girl, so I'm ending it.