It's All Just Sex Sex Sex With You People
Title: It's All Just Sex Sex Sex With You People
Authors: et_muse and angelzbabe1989
Fandom: Torchwood... ish
Characters: Gwen, Rhys, Andy, Tosh, nameless Torchwood writers.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: We don't own the Torchwood characters, or the bits of actual script used within. Those belong to RTD and Catherine Tregenna.
Summary: What we like to think happens during Torchwood writers' meetings. Featuring nameless fictional TW writers in the vein of what we imagine all TW writers to be.
Authors' Note: Inspired by comments read on SOME writers' twitter pages... you know who you are - and, as always, a strange MSN conversation between us.
Warning: Utter crack.
It's All Just Sex Sex Sex With You People
GWEN: Us.
RHYS: Us? Ha ha ha! Us? Us is crumbling, Gwen. Us is falling to shit!
"Guys, I'm getting bored now. Where did all the bum sexing go?"
"You do know we're not actually allowed to show that on primetime BBC?"
"Yes, I know, but we could have toplessness and implication! Our fans love the hot man on man action, not this boring het stuff."
"Yes, but..."
"Oh! Maybe..."
RHYS: You're never here, always off working at whatever the hell you do now, and well I can't do this anymore.
GWEN: But, Rhys...?
RHYS: No, I can't live a lie anymore. Gwen, I'm leaving you. I've been buggering Andy behind your back for months, and I can't keep it a secret anymore.
GWEN: What?
Rhys stalks out
INTERIOR - ANDY’S FLAT
The doorbell rings. Andy answers it and is smothered in a big kiss from Rhys.
RHYS: I did it! I finally told her!
"You can't just do that! Rhys is straight! He's marrying Gwen!"
"Oh come on, this is Torchwood. No one is completely straight in Torchwood."
"True, but Rhys and Andy are supposed to be the comic relief straight men!"
"Fine. Have it your boring way then."
"Thanks. I will."
GWEN: You think I enjoy keeping all this stuff to myself?
RHYS: Then why did you?
GWEN: Because I'm trying to protect you! Have you ever stopped to think about that? No! No, because you prefer to blunder in without thinking or looking. Good old ham-fisted Rhys. His heart, his heart is in the right place, but his brain is a million miles fucking back!
RHYS: Come on, let's have it all, then, shall we? What, exactly, do I need protecting from?
GWEN: I catch aliens!
Beat
RHYS: Piss off!
GWEN: No, you piss off.
"I still say this would be far better if we could include some gay sex somehow"
"Or some lesbians - we haven't had any lesbians this season yet."
"But who? Oh, no... wait. Tosh is single this week, isn't she?"
"I think so. Her lovers always die within one episode."
"She deserves something a bit more permanent really."
"She really does... and Gwen is right here..."
GWEN: You know what I'm tired of this. You’re so thick Rhys. I need someone a bit smarter in my life. I bet Tosh is better in bed than you are too.
RHYS: Who the hell is Tosh?
GWEN: I work with her. She’s a genius, and she’s incredibly sexy and sweet. Until today she was just a colleague, but I’ve seen her luck with men. I think we deserve each other.
RHYS: You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re not seriously going gay are you?
"Ok now you're just having me on. You can’t really expect that the fans will believe this do you?"
"Trust me, I've read the message boards. They'll lap this shit up. They're even more about the gay than we are."
"Doesn't matter who it is - characters, actors... writers. If it's slash, they'll love it. They're tarts like that."
"And besides. It's sci-fi. You don't have to believe it.
"Even so, that might be just a step too far in the suspension of disbelief. And don't we sort of need Gwen and Rhys together for the rest of this episode to make sense?"
"Damn. You have a point. I hate it, but you have a point."
"Can we get back to writing this properly now, then?"
GWEN: It's the truth.
RHYS: If you're not going to take it seriously -
"Couldn't we just leave these two to sort it out on their own and cut away to some hot Jack and Ianto monkey loving?"
*sigh*
END
Comments are loved, even if this is ridiculous crack.
Authors: et_muse and angelzbabe1989
Fandom: Torchwood... ish
Characters: Gwen, Rhys, Andy, Tosh, nameless Torchwood writers.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: We don't own the Torchwood characters, or the bits of actual script used within. Those belong to RTD and Catherine Tregenna.
Summary: What we like to think happens during Torchwood writers' meetings. Featuring nameless fictional TW writers in the vein of what we imagine all TW writers to be.
Authors' Note: Inspired by comments read on SOME writers' twitter pages... you know who you are - and, as always, a strange MSN conversation between us.
Warning: Utter crack.
It's All Just Sex Sex Sex With You People
GWEN: Us.
RHYS: Us? Ha ha ha! Us? Us is crumbling, Gwen. Us is falling to shit!
"Guys, I'm getting bored now. Where did all the bum sexing go?"
"You do know we're not actually allowed to show that on primetime BBC?"
"Yes, I know, but we could have toplessness and implication! Our fans love the hot man on man action, not this boring het stuff."
"Yes, but..."
"Oh! Maybe..."
RHYS: You're never here, always off working at whatever the hell you do now, and well I can't do this anymore.
GWEN: But, Rhys...?
RHYS: No, I can't live a lie anymore. Gwen, I'm leaving you. I've been buggering Andy behind your back for months, and I can't keep it a secret anymore.
GWEN: What?
Rhys stalks out
INTERIOR - ANDY’S FLAT
The doorbell rings. Andy answers it and is smothered in a big kiss from Rhys.
RHYS: I did it! I finally told her!
"You can't just do that! Rhys is straight! He's marrying Gwen!"
"Oh come on, this is Torchwood. No one is completely straight in Torchwood."
"True, but Rhys and Andy are supposed to be the comic relief straight men!"
"Fine. Have it your boring way then."
"Thanks. I will."
GWEN: You think I enjoy keeping all this stuff to myself?
RHYS: Then why did you?
GWEN: Because I'm trying to protect you! Have you ever stopped to think about that? No! No, because you prefer to blunder in without thinking or looking. Good old ham-fisted Rhys. His heart, his heart is in the right place, but his brain is a million miles fucking back!
RHYS: Come on, let's have it all, then, shall we? What, exactly, do I need protecting from?
GWEN: I catch aliens!
Beat
RHYS: Piss off!
GWEN: No, you piss off.
"I still say this would be far better if we could include some gay sex somehow"
"Or some lesbians - we haven't had any lesbians this season yet."
"But who? Oh, no... wait. Tosh is single this week, isn't she?"
"I think so. Her lovers always die within one episode."
"She deserves something a bit more permanent really."
"She really does... and Gwen is right here..."
GWEN: You know what I'm tired of this. You’re so thick Rhys. I need someone a bit smarter in my life. I bet Tosh is better in bed than you are too.
RHYS: Who the hell is Tosh?
GWEN: I work with her. She’s a genius, and she’s incredibly sexy and sweet. Until today she was just a colleague, but I’ve seen her luck with men. I think we deserve each other.
RHYS: You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re not seriously going gay are you?
"Ok now you're just having me on. You can’t really expect that the fans will believe this do you?"
"Trust me, I've read the message boards. They'll lap this shit up. They're even more about the gay than we are."
"Doesn't matter who it is - characters, actors... writers. If it's slash, they'll love it. They're tarts like that."
"And besides. It's sci-fi. You don't have to believe it.
"Even so, that might be just a step too far in the suspension of disbelief. And don't we sort of need Gwen and Rhys together for the rest of this episode to make sense?"
"Damn. You have a point. I hate it, but you have a point."
"Can we get back to writing this properly now, then?"
GWEN: It's the truth.
RHYS: If you're not going to take it seriously -
"Couldn't we just leave these two to sort it out on their own and cut away to some hot Jack and Ianto monkey loving?"
*sigh*
END
Comments are loved, even if this is ridiculous crack.