Yesterday Is But Today's Memory - 2/19+Interlude
Title: Yesterday Is But Today's Memory
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Rating: R
Disclaimer: If I was the one who owned Torchwood, you think I'd admit it now?
Spoilers: Takes place post 2x05 'Adam', but mentions briefly minor info from later s2 eps. AU
Summary: It wasn’t the lost days that were really giving Ianto Jones nightmares. It was the fact that ever since, he’d suddenly been having flashes from another period of his life he’d thought was lost forever - his first ten years.
Warning: Some chapters of this fic will contain material some may find offensive. To go into more detail would be spoilery for the plot, but DO NOT READ if you are easily offended.
Thanks to: My wonderful betas morbid_sparks, cazmalfoy and angelzbabe1989, who talked me into writing this, then held my hand while I worked through the plot and filled all its holes.
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Jack had, apparently, noticed Ianto’s trepidation over what he had to tell; he had gently urged him down into his bunker and sat beside him on the bed before pushing Ianto to tell him more.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” he murmured softly in Ianto’s ear, wrapping an arm around the younger man. Ianto nodded, but he was still struggling over quite where to start. How far back did he have to go to reach ‘the beginning’?
“You… you’ve probably noticed I don’t talk about my childhood much,” he eventually began. He felt Jack’s nod against the top of his head and took a deep breath. “Well, that’s because I don’t actually remember most of it.”
Jack pulled away a little, his confusion almost palpable. “What do you mean you don’t remember it?”
“Just that,” Ianto said. “I have no memory of my life until I was about ten years old. No one knows where I was or what happened to me before then.”
Jack shook his head. “But…” He paused. “You’ve mentioned your parents.”
Ianto nodded. “I was adopted when I was eleven. Which was incredibly lucky when I look back at it. Not many older kids get adopted; everyone wants the babies or the littlest kids.”
Jack shook his head. “How didn’t I know any of this? I mean, I read your records back when you were stalking me for a job, and…”
“Torchwood never knew,” Ianto said. “All of the social services records were sealed, wiped from my records completely; you wouldn’t know to go hacking if you didn’t already know it was there.”
That just confused Jack more. “But why?”
“Under the circumstances, it was deemed the safest way.”
Jack swallowed. “Circumstances?”
“I was found in a Cardiff park, had no idea who I was, couldn’t speak either English or Welsh. Old injuries that suggested abuse.”
Jack’s arms tightened around him again. “Oh, Ianto…”
Ianto brushed off the concern a little. “I don’t remember it though, is the point. As far as my mind is concerned, it never happened. It’s always just been a blank.”
Jack could clearly hear the unspoken ‘until now’ at the end of the sentence, as he twisted to look into Ianto’s eyes. “But not anymore?”
Ianto tilted his head from side to side. “Not entirely. I don’t actually remember anything properly, but… I’ve been having these weird moments. Flashes.”
“And you think they’re from your childhood?”
Ianto nodded. “Yeah.”
Jack thought for a moment, assimilating this information. “How long has this been happening?” He looked as if he was worried he had missed that Ianto had been going through something for months.
“Not long,” Ianto assured him. “A few weeks. Ever since those two days we lost.” He shrugged. “I think maybe something that happened in those two days knocked something loose in my subconscious. Or maybe it was the actual loss of the days. Whatever it was, something has changed in my head.” Something that Ianto wasn’t entirely sure he was comfortable with.
Jack dropped his head forward to rest his forehead on Ianto’s affectionately. “And it’s just flashes so far, right?”
“Yep. Although… they’re starting to get longer, more defined. I don’t know, but…” Ianto’s voice shook a little.
“But you think you might actually get a proper memory back,” Jack finished for him. “And that sort of scares you.”
Ianto sagged against him slightly. “Yeah.” He twisted back to lean against the wall, staring out into the dimness of Jack’s room. “I’ve been told for years that the reason I don’t remember is most likely because something terrible happened to me and my mind is protecting me.” He looked back at Jack, eyes wide. “I don’t think I want to remember and find out for sure. What if I remember and it’s so bad that I wish I didn’t?”
Jack was silent for a long moment before he appeared to come to some sort of decision. “I actually understand completely,” he told Ianto, sincerity shining through in his gaze. “A long time ago - over a hundred years now, in fact - I lost some of my own memories. Or well, not lost so much as had them stolen. Two years of them.”
Jack sighed. “I spent a while trying to get them back, doing all sorts of things in an attempt to persuade the people who stole them to give them back. The longer I’ve had to get used to it though, the less sure I am that I want them back.”
He brought a hand up to brush Ianto’s hair back. “I wasn’t always a very good person. I could have done anything during those two years; could have done some terrible things. And as cowardly and selfish as it might be to admit it, if I did something awful… I don’t want to know about it.”
Ianto nodded and allowed himself to be pulled into Jack’s close embrace. Jack squeezed him tight. “Whatever you remember, know that I’m here to help you through it,” Jack’s lips brushed over his ear. “If you need to talk about it, or just need someone to hold you, I’m here.”
Chapter Three
Comments and concrit welcomed - comments are love!! &hearts
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Rating: R
Disclaimer: If I was the one who owned Torchwood, you think I'd admit it now?
Spoilers: Takes place post 2x05 'Adam', but mentions briefly minor info from later s2 eps. AU
Summary: It wasn’t the lost days that were really giving Ianto Jones nightmares. It was the fact that ever since, he’d suddenly been having flashes from another period of his life he’d thought was lost forever - his first ten years.
Warning: Some chapters of this fic will contain material some may find offensive. To go into more detail would be spoilery for the plot, but DO NOT READ if you are easily offended.
Thanks to: My wonderful betas morbid_sparks, cazmalfoy and angelzbabe1989, who talked me into writing this, then held my hand while I worked through the plot and filled all its holes.
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Jack had, apparently, noticed Ianto’s trepidation over what he had to tell; he had gently urged him down into his bunker and sat beside him on the bed before pushing Ianto to tell him more.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” he murmured softly in Ianto’s ear, wrapping an arm around the younger man. Ianto nodded, but he was still struggling over quite where to start. How far back did he have to go to reach ‘the beginning’?
“You… you’ve probably noticed I don’t talk about my childhood much,” he eventually began. He felt Jack’s nod against the top of his head and took a deep breath. “Well, that’s because I don’t actually remember most of it.”
Jack pulled away a little, his confusion almost palpable. “What do you mean you don’t remember it?”
“Just that,” Ianto said. “I have no memory of my life until I was about ten years old. No one knows where I was or what happened to me before then.”
Jack shook his head. “But…” He paused. “You’ve mentioned your parents.”
Ianto nodded. “I was adopted when I was eleven. Which was incredibly lucky when I look back at it. Not many older kids get adopted; everyone wants the babies or the littlest kids.”
Jack shook his head. “How didn’t I know any of this? I mean, I read your records back when you were stalking me for a job, and…”
“Torchwood never knew,” Ianto said. “All of the social services records were sealed, wiped from my records completely; you wouldn’t know to go hacking if you didn’t already know it was there.”
That just confused Jack more. “But why?”
“Under the circumstances, it was deemed the safest way.”
Jack swallowed. “Circumstances?”
“I was found in a Cardiff park, had no idea who I was, couldn’t speak either English or Welsh. Old injuries that suggested abuse.”
Jack’s arms tightened around him again. “Oh, Ianto…”
Ianto brushed off the concern a little. “I don’t remember it though, is the point. As far as my mind is concerned, it never happened. It’s always just been a blank.”
Jack could clearly hear the unspoken ‘until now’ at the end of the sentence, as he twisted to look into Ianto’s eyes. “But not anymore?”
Ianto tilted his head from side to side. “Not entirely. I don’t actually remember anything properly, but… I’ve been having these weird moments. Flashes.”
“And you think they’re from your childhood?”
Ianto nodded. “Yeah.”
Jack thought for a moment, assimilating this information. “How long has this been happening?” He looked as if he was worried he had missed that Ianto had been going through something for months.
“Not long,” Ianto assured him. “A few weeks. Ever since those two days we lost.” He shrugged. “I think maybe something that happened in those two days knocked something loose in my subconscious. Or maybe it was the actual loss of the days. Whatever it was, something has changed in my head.” Something that Ianto wasn’t entirely sure he was comfortable with.
Jack dropped his head forward to rest his forehead on Ianto’s affectionately. “And it’s just flashes so far, right?”
“Yep. Although… they’re starting to get longer, more defined. I don’t know, but…” Ianto’s voice shook a little.
“But you think you might actually get a proper memory back,” Jack finished for him. “And that sort of scares you.”
Ianto sagged against him slightly. “Yeah.” He twisted back to lean against the wall, staring out into the dimness of Jack’s room. “I’ve been told for years that the reason I don’t remember is most likely because something terrible happened to me and my mind is protecting me.” He looked back at Jack, eyes wide. “I don’t think I want to remember and find out for sure. What if I remember and it’s so bad that I wish I didn’t?”
Jack was silent for a long moment before he appeared to come to some sort of decision. “I actually understand completely,” he told Ianto, sincerity shining through in his gaze. “A long time ago - over a hundred years now, in fact - I lost some of my own memories. Or well, not lost so much as had them stolen. Two years of them.”
Jack sighed. “I spent a while trying to get them back, doing all sorts of things in an attempt to persuade the people who stole them to give them back. The longer I’ve had to get used to it though, the less sure I am that I want them back.”
He brought a hand up to brush Ianto’s hair back. “I wasn’t always a very good person. I could have done anything during those two years; could have done some terrible things. And as cowardly and selfish as it might be to admit it, if I did something awful… I don’t want to know about it.”
Ianto nodded and allowed himself to be pulled into Jack’s close embrace. Jack squeezed him tight. “Whatever you remember, know that I’m here to help you through it,” Jack’s lips brushed over his ear. “If you need to talk about it, or just need someone to hold you, I’m here.”
Chapter Three
Comments and concrit welcomed - comments are love!! &hearts