Moving On - 06/18
Title: Moving On
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, references to past Ianto/Lisa
Rating: R
Disclaimer: If I was the one who owned Torchwood, you think I'd admit it now?
Spoilers: Some information and events from s1,2. None for s3.
Summary: Lisa is gone, and Ianto is starting to move on with his life, but it isn't always as easy as it sounds.
Author's Note: Sequel to Guilt and Turning Point.
Thanks to: My sister angelzbabe1989 for stepping in as beta, morbid_sparks for all of her support and idea bouncing through the writing of this, and pinkfairy727 for cheerleading even when she doesn't know what happens.
For previous chapters see Master list for this fic
Chapter Six
Ianto looked at Toshiko with concern. She’d asked him if they could speak in confidence - making use of the relative quiet before Gwen and Owen arrived for the day - but now they were here, she looked… scared.
“Is everything okay, Tosh?” he asked, worried that she was ill, or had received bad news, or… He didn’t want to consider what else. He couldn’t bear for something to happen to Tosh; not now.
“I’m fine,” Tosh replied after a thoughtful moment. “But no, everything is not okay.” She fiddled with the sleeve of her cardigan.
“What’s wrong?” Ianto leant forward, resting his forearms on the table.
“It’s just… Yesterday, I…” Tosh seemed to be struggling to work out how to say what she wanted to. “The night before last,” she eventually began, “I found something in one of those boxes you’ve been bringing up for me to play with. A pendant.”
Ianto remembered the item she was talking about. “I know the one you mean,” he said. “It looked interesting. What about it?”
“Well, apparently it emits a psychic pull that some people are more affected by than others.” Tosh bit her bottom lip and Ianto got the unspoken message; Tosh had been susceptible.
“But you’re okay?” he checked. “What did it do to you?”
Tosh smiled wryly. “Well, technically all it made me do was put it on, but…”
“But?” Ianto didn’t like the sound of ‘but’.
“But then I couldn’t make myself take it off. And, more importantly, it gave me an ability I didn’t really want to have.”
“What did it do?” Ianto persisted, reaching over and putting a hand on top of hers.
Tosh took a deep breath. “The whole of yesterday, any time anyone came close to me, I could hear what they were thinking.”
Ianto stopped. “It gave you telepathic powers?”
Tosh nodded. “Only within a limited distance, thankfully. Which is why I was staying away from everyone yesterday.”
Ianto hadn’t particularly noticed, but then he had been rather busy keeping his own distance, down in the archives. He told himself it wasn’t hiding. Although now that she mentioned it, he did remember that Tosh had eaten lunch alone, which wasn’t like her at all. Even when she was deep in the middle of a big project, she would usually join them for lunch.
He did vaguely remember speaking to her yesterday, though. What he didn’t remember was what he’d been thinking about at the time. Although he doubted it had been anything much different than what had occupied his mind for most of the last weeks.
“So… why are you telling me this?” he asked tentatively, a little worried about what Tosh might have heard.
“I heard you thinking yesterday,” Tosh started slowly. “When… when you brought me coffee.”
Ianto nodded. He’d suspected as much. “And?”
Tosh shook her head softly, a sympathetic expression painted across her face. “I… I didn’t hear any details, if that’s what you’re worried about but…” She turned her hand over and squeezed his fingers. “You have to stop beating yourself up about whatever it is that happened. If…” She took a deep breath and appeared to come to some conclusion. “If it makes you happy, then it’s a good thing.”
Ianto bit his lip and frowned. “What exactly did you hear?” he asked a little uncertainly.
Tosh smiled gently. “Not much, I promise,” she replied. “Just you agonising over some unspecified event that has happened twice, and worrying that whatever it was was betraying ‘her’.” She paused. “I’m assuming ‘her’ is Lisa.”
Ianto closed his eyes, his lips pressed tightly together. He didn’t confirm or deny Tosh’s assumption. He just didn’t know, couldn’t decide. Should he reveal all to Tosh? She… He wanted to believe that she wouldn’t actually hate him for it, and he knew she wouldn’t say anything to the others - even Jack.
But how could he admit this to anyone?
“Ianto?” He opened his eyes to Tosh’s concerned gaze. “You don’t have to tell me anything,” she assured him. “I just thought you should know what I’d heard.”
“I kissed Jack,” he blurted before he could talk himself out of it, freezing solid the moment the words had left his lips.
Tosh’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh!” Ianto could see the struggle on her face as she searched desperately for something to say. “Well, that’s not quite what I was expecting,” she eventually stuttered. “Not that it’s bad or anything, I just…”
“But it is,” Ianto interrupted agitatedly. “I only lost Lisa just a few months ago, and now I’m suddenly kissing the boss? What kind of man does that?”
“A human one,” Tosh said softly. “You can’t control your heart, believe me. I know that from experience.”
Ianto stared down at the table, making a mental note of a slight mark he’d have to come back and polish away later. He knew what Tosh was trying to say - knew too of the feelings she harboured not-so-discretely towards Owen despite the lack of evidence for them ever being requited - but there was something she was missing.
“There’s a difference between feeling something and acting upon it,” he told her, his gaze never lifting from the table. “You can control your actions.”
There was a long silence.
“Ianto,” Tosh eventually started. “Did you want to kiss Jack?”
“Yes,” Ianto said immediately, looking up. “No. I don’t know.” He slumped back in his seat a little. “I wanted to do it. But I didn’t want to want to do it.” He shrugged a shoulder, feeling terribly guilty but also relieved that it was finally out there, that he could talk about it now, even if only to Tosh.
“I actually…” He stopped, unsure, then decided to forge ahead; if he was admitting things, he might as well admit it all. “I actually sort of wanted to kiss him sometimes even before Lisa died, which is worse still.”
Tosh just grinned at him. “Well, it is Jack after all,” she said. “I think everyone wants to kiss him at some point in their lives.”
Ianto snorted, but couldn’t help but smile a little. “You know, that’s not really helping.”
Tosh raised an eyebrow. “No? You’re smiling, at least.”
Ianto smoothed his face into a serious look. He hadn’t meant to smile.
Tosh sighed at him. “You know, you are allowed to be happy. I don’t think… No, I know for a fact that Lisa didn’t want you to be miserable and grieving forever.”
Ianto knew that, he remembered her telling him very sternly more than once in her last days, but still… “It’s barely been two months, though,” he pointed out. “Doesn’t she deserve more than that?”
“There are no rules on grief, Ianto,” Tosh said, shaking her head. “At least, not these days. And it’s not as though you’re going to forget her, are you?”
Ianto, if it hadn’t been Tosh voicing it, would have been offended at the very suggestion. “Of course not. I never could, or would. I’ll always love her.”
“So what difference does it make if you let yourself be happy while you remember her?” Tosh said, shrugging slightly. “You’re not honouring her memory any better by making yourself miserable.”
Ianto blew out a breath. Tosh did make a good case. “You might have a point,” he slowly admitted.
“Of course I do,” Tosh said primly. “So the real question now is, what are you waiting for?”
Ianto just stared at her.
“I mean it,” she said earnestly. “You’ve admitted that you want it, and… well, I’d ask you if you thought Jack felt the same way, but there’s no point.”
“No point?” Ianto squeaked, cringing internally at the high pitch of his own voice. He cleared his throat. “No point?” he repeated, in a tone that didn’t make him feel as much like a little girl.
Tosh gave him a look that suggested she was currently reassessing his mental capabilities. “Ianto,” she said slowly and clearly. “Even Owen can see how Jack feels about you, and we all know he’s not the most perceptive when it comes to these things.” The last was tinged with just a hint of pain, badly hidden.
“Owen will come around,” he reassured her, leaning forward again and hoping he wasn’t building Tosh up to hope for something that would never happen. Owen only very rarely betrayed his actual feelings, preferring most of the time to pretend that nothing affected him, so in truth Ianto had no idea how Owen felt about Toshiko at all. He would be a fool not to see how special Tosh was, however, and Ianto didn’t think Owen was that much of a fool.
“Maybe,” Tosh shrugged, “but we’re not talking about me - or Owen - right now. We’re talking about you and Jack.”
Ianto glared at her mildly but nevertheless allowed his mind to drift back, allowed himself to think for the first time not of the possible ramifications and meanings of his kisses with Jack, but the kisses themselves. “He did… he did kiss back. At least the first time,” he admitted hesitantly. And he couldn’t deny that he had enjoyed it when Jack had responded.
Tosh brightened once more. “See?” she said pointedly.
“But it still seems awfully soon,” Ianto insisted earnestly. How could two and a bit months be anywhere near long enough to consider himself over the death of someone he’d loved for the better part of seven years?
“If you really don’t feel ready yet, then that’s one thing,” Tosh said firmly. “But if you’re holding back just because of some preconceived notion you have about what is ‘right’ then that’s another thing entirely.”
Ianto didn’t have any response to that; he knew that his misgivings were caused more by the latter than the former, and Tosh’s clear implication was that that wasn’t an acceptable reason.
There was a noise from downstairs. Ianto and Tosh both looked over as Gwen and Owen clattered through the cog door.
“Thank you,” Ianto said to Tosh sincerely. “For telling me. And for the talk.”
“And?” Tosh smiled hopefully. He could read the unsaid question in her eyes. What are you going to do about it now?
He tilted his head to the side and smiled. “I’ll let you know. But right now, I better go prepare the caffeine before the hoards descend.”
Tosh’s words still circled his mind as he measured beans into the grinder. Was he ready to allow himself a chance at happiness again? Was he holding back because of a sense of duty or because his heart really wasn’t ready to go on?
By the time the coffees had been prepared and the mugs set out on the tray, he had come to a decision, one he hoped he wouldn’t regret later.
For the first time in weeks, he left Jack’s coffee to last, and lingered for a moment after setting it down on Jack’s desk.
“Jack,” he said softly.
Jack looked up questioningly. “Yes?”
Ianto took a breath. “Jack, I…”
He was interrupted by a wailing from one of the computers outside.
The Rift alarm.
Of course.
Chapter Seven
As always, comments and concrit are loved!
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, references to past Ianto/Lisa
Rating: R
Disclaimer: If I was the one who owned Torchwood, you think I'd admit it now?
Spoilers: Some information and events from s1,2. None for s3.
Summary: Lisa is gone, and Ianto is starting to move on with his life, but it isn't always as easy as it sounds.
Author's Note: Sequel to Guilt and Turning Point.
Thanks to: My sister angelzbabe1989 for stepping in as beta, morbid_sparks for all of her support and idea bouncing through the writing of this, and pinkfairy727 for cheerleading even when she doesn't know what happens.
For previous chapters see Master list for this fic
Chapter Six
Ianto looked at Toshiko with concern. She’d asked him if they could speak in confidence - making use of the relative quiet before Gwen and Owen arrived for the day - but now they were here, she looked… scared.
“Is everything okay, Tosh?” he asked, worried that she was ill, or had received bad news, or… He didn’t want to consider what else. He couldn’t bear for something to happen to Tosh; not now.
“I’m fine,” Tosh replied after a thoughtful moment. “But no, everything is not okay.” She fiddled with the sleeve of her cardigan.
“What’s wrong?” Ianto leant forward, resting his forearms on the table.
“It’s just… Yesterday, I…” Tosh seemed to be struggling to work out how to say what she wanted to. “The night before last,” she eventually began, “I found something in one of those boxes you’ve been bringing up for me to play with. A pendant.”
Ianto remembered the item she was talking about. “I know the one you mean,” he said. “It looked interesting. What about it?”
“Well, apparently it emits a psychic pull that some people are more affected by than others.” Tosh bit her bottom lip and Ianto got the unspoken message; Tosh had been susceptible.
“But you’re okay?” he checked. “What did it do to you?”
Tosh smiled wryly. “Well, technically all it made me do was put it on, but…”
“But?” Ianto didn’t like the sound of ‘but’.
“But then I couldn’t make myself take it off. And, more importantly, it gave me an ability I didn’t really want to have.”
“What did it do?” Ianto persisted, reaching over and putting a hand on top of hers.
Tosh took a deep breath. “The whole of yesterday, any time anyone came close to me, I could hear what they were thinking.”
Ianto stopped. “It gave you telepathic powers?”
Tosh nodded. “Only within a limited distance, thankfully. Which is why I was staying away from everyone yesterday.”
Ianto hadn’t particularly noticed, but then he had been rather busy keeping his own distance, down in the archives. He told himself it wasn’t hiding. Although now that she mentioned it, he did remember that Tosh had eaten lunch alone, which wasn’t like her at all. Even when she was deep in the middle of a big project, she would usually join them for lunch.
He did vaguely remember speaking to her yesterday, though. What he didn’t remember was what he’d been thinking about at the time. Although he doubted it had been anything much different than what had occupied his mind for most of the last weeks.
“So… why are you telling me this?” he asked tentatively, a little worried about what Tosh might have heard.
“I heard you thinking yesterday,” Tosh started slowly. “When… when you brought me coffee.”
Ianto nodded. He’d suspected as much. “And?”
Tosh shook her head softly, a sympathetic expression painted across her face. “I… I didn’t hear any details, if that’s what you’re worried about but…” She turned her hand over and squeezed his fingers. “You have to stop beating yourself up about whatever it is that happened. If…” She took a deep breath and appeared to come to some conclusion. “If it makes you happy, then it’s a good thing.”
Ianto bit his lip and frowned. “What exactly did you hear?” he asked a little uncertainly.
Tosh smiled gently. “Not much, I promise,” she replied. “Just you agonising over some unspecified event that has happened twice, and worrying that whatever it was was betraying ‘her’.” She paused. “I’m assuming ‘her’ is Lisa.”
Ianto closed his eyes, his lips pressed tightly together. He didn’t confirm or deny Tosh’s assumption. He just didn’t know, couldn’t decide. Should he reveal all to Tosh? She… He wanted to believe that she wouldn’t actually hate him for it, and he knew she wouldn’t say anything to the others - even Jack.
But how could he admit this to anyone?
“Ianto?” He opened his eyes to Tosh’s concerned gaze. “You don’t have to tell me anything,” she assured him. “I just thought you should know what I’d heard.”
“I kissed Jack,” he blurted before he could talk himself out of it, freezing solid the moment the words had left his lips.
Tosh’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh!” Ianto could see the struggle on her face as she searched desperately for something to say. “Well, that’s not quite what I was expecting,” she eventually stuttered. “Not that it’s bad or anything, I just…”
“But it is,” Ianto interrupted agitatedly. “I only lost Lisa just a few months ago, and now I’m suddenly kissing the boss? What kind of man does that?”
“A human one,” Tosh said softly. “You can’t control your heart, believe me. I know that from experience.”
Ianto stared down at the table, making a mental note of a slight mark he’d have to come back and polish away later. He knew what Tosh was trying to say - knew too of the feelings she harboured not-so-discretely towards Owen despite the lack of evidence for them ever being requited - but there was something she was missing.
“There’s a difference between feeling something and acting upon it,” he told her, his gaze never lifting from the table. “You can control your actions.”
There was a long silence.
“Ianto,” Tosh eventually started. “Did you want to kiss Jack?”
“Yes,” Ianto said immediately, looking up. “No. I don’t know.” He slumped back in his seat a little. “I wanted to do it. But I didn’t want to want to do it.” He shrugged a shoulder, feeling terribly guilty but also relieved that it was finally out there, that he could talk about it now, even if only to Tosh.
“I actually…” He stopped, unsure, then decided to forge ahead; if he was admitting things, he might as well admit it all. “I actually sort of wanted to kiss him sometimes even before Lisa died, which is worse still.”
Tosh just grinned at him. “Well, it is Jack after all,” she said. “I think everyone wants to kiss him at some point in their lives.”
Ianto snorted, but couldn’t help but smile a little. “You know, that’s not really helping.”
Tosh raised an eyebrow. “No? You’re smiling, at least.”
Ianto smoothed his face into a serious look. He hadn’t meant to smile.
Tosh sighed at him. “You know, you are allowed to be happy. I don’t think… No, I know for a fact that Lisa didn’t want you to be miserable and grieving forever.”
Ianto knew that, he remembered her telling him very sternly more than once in her last days, but still… “It’s barely been two months, though,” he pointed out. “Doesn’t she deserve more than that?”
“There are no rules on grief, Ianto,” Tosh said, shaking her head. “At least, not these days. And it’s not as though you’re going to forget her, are you?”
Ianto, if it hadn’t been Tosh voicing it, would have been offended at the very suggestion. “Of course not. I never could, or would. I’ll always love her.”
“So what difference does it make if you let yourself be happy while you remember her?” Tosh said, shrugging slightly. “You’re not honouring her memory any better by making yourself miserable.”
Ianto blew out a breath. Tosh did make a good case. “You might have a point,” he slowly admitted.
“Of course I do,” Tosh said primly. “So the real question now is, what are you waiting for?”
Ianto just stared at her.
“I mean it,” she said earnestly. “You’ve admitted that you want it, and… well, I’d ask you if you thought Jack felt the same way, but there’s no point.”
“No point?” Ianto squeaked, cringing internally at the high pitch of his own voice. He cleared his throat. “No point?” he repeated, in a tone that didn’t make him feel as much like a little girl.
Tosh gave him a look that suggested she was currently reassessing his mental capabilities. “Ianto,” she said slowly and clearly. “Even Owen can see how Jack feels about you, and we all know he’s not the most perceptive when it comes to these things.” The last was tinged with just a hint of pain, badly hidden.
“Owen will come around,” he reassured her, leaning forward again and hoping he wasn’t building Tosh up to hope for something that would never happen. Owen only very rarely betrayed his actual feelings, preferring most of the time to pretend that nothing affected him, so in truth Ianto had no idea how Owen felt about Toshiko at all. He would be a fool not to see how special Tosh was, however, and Ianto didn’t think Owen was that much of a fool.
“Maybe,” Tosh shrugged, “but we’re not talking about me - or Owen - right now. We’re talking about you and Jack.”
Ianto glared at her mildly but nevertheless allowed his mind to drift back, allowed himself to think for the first time not of the possible ramifications and meanings of his kisses with Jack, but the kisses themselves. “He did… he did kiss back. At least the first time,” he admitted hesitantly. And he couldn’t deny that he had enjoyed it when Jack had responded.
Tosh brightened once more. “See?” she said pointedly.
“But it still seems awfully soon,” Ianto insisted earnestly. How could two and a bit months be anywhere near long enough to consider himself over the death of someone he’d loved for the better part of seven years?
“If you really don’t feel ready yet, then that’s one thing,” Tosh said firmly. “But if you’re holding back just because of some preconceived notion you have about what is ‘right’ then that’s another thing entirely.”
Ianto didn’t have any response to that; he knew that his misgivings were caused more by the latter than the former, and Tosh’s clear implication was that that wasn’t an acceptable reason.
There was a noise from downstairs. Ianto and Tosh both looked over as Gwen and Owen clattered through the cog door.
“Thank you,” Ianto said to Tosh sincerely. “For telling me. And for the talk.”
“And?” Tosh smiled hopefully. He could read the unsaid question in her eyes. What are you going to do about it now?
He tilted his head to the side and smiled. “I’ll let you know. But right now, I better go prepare the caffeine before the hoards descend.”
Tosh’s words still circled his mind as he measured beans into the grinder. Was he ready to allow himself a chance at happiness again? Was he holding back because of a sense of duty or because his heart really wasn’t ready to go on?
By the time the coffees had been prepared and the mugs set out on the tray, he had come to a decision, one he hoped he wouldn’t regret later.
For the first time in weeks, he left Jack’s coffee to last, and lingered for a moment after setting it down on Jack’s desk.
“Jack,” he said softly.
Jack looked up questioningly. “Yes?”
Ianto took a breath. “Jack, I…”
He was interrupted by a wailing from one of the computers outside.
The Rift alarm.
Of course.
Chapter Seven
As always, comments and concrit are loved!