I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TOO LONG. Also. Angst.
Hurrr. Sleepovers are awesome.
And. I DO LOVE YOU, thecommoniguana .
The trip to Belarus had actually been an afterthought to an afterthought. Maya had thought it almost a bad idea in the beginning-although, that might’ve been just her selfishness speaking, seeing as the forecasted temperature was in the negatives and those types of numbers scared Maya wherever she saw them-but she would never deprive Nikolai the chance of ever being happy, seeing as he went out of his way, always, to see her smile. Even if she were to complain the entire time, she knew that just taking him there would be enough, and so, with that thought, she sucked in some air, packed up everything she owned with sleeves and legs, and then boarded the twelve-hour flight to Belarus.
That was the good idea part. He seemed happy, or at least pleased, to be back in a recognizable place. He spoke the language and understood the culture, which was more than enough for Maya, who liked to spend her time clinging to him as if his body warmth was the only warmth in the city. It might have well been. Just seeing him comfortable was what she thought was enough.
Of course, good ideas always have bad portions. When she got back to the hotel room, Maya pressed the back of her hand to her eyes to hold back her tears, so well done by the icy cold wind and weather outside. She couldn’t even cry here, not even in her hotel room. If she was to cry, it would be back at home, her home, the Brasilian one, because nowhere else did she have a right. At least there, being selfish would be alright, because they were on her side, and, well, fuck it even if they weren’t. She wouldn’t have to pretend to or actually care there.
She should have never gone looking for his sister. She should’ve known the moment she clicked ‘search’ that if she found her, he would leave.
~*~*~
Her breathing had actually stopped when he shook his head. If she could’ve heard things, not just the pressing silence on her eardrums that was so heavy that it was even making her equilibrium commit suicide, she might’ve noticed if her heart had also stopped along with it. She simply smiled instead, because to show frustration or disappointment would just be rude-he had scolded her about that, of course he had, it was her fault-and thanked his sister ever so kindly in broken and breaking Russian, then hurriedly turned around and left.
On the way back, her face was red and swollen, but from all the blood rushing up to her face to combat the cold, not from the real reasons. She cursed herself over and over and over-why, why, why-and she even once cursed Nikolai, for even doing that, but then she bit her lip and cursed herself once more. Given the chance to finally be reunited with her long-lost sibling or stay with the one she hoped she loved, she definitely would’ve-
She definitely would’ve-
She didn’t know. And that made it worse.
‘Little bo peep has lost her sheep,’ Maya hummed to herself, a cynical and morbid song brought on by her self-loathing. She saw how happy Nikolai’s face had been when he saw his sister, it wasn’t even a scene she could have been introduced into. Maybe three more years, maybe then they would have caught up enough for her to be able to exist. Until then, she was a burden, a foreign, bumbling, misunderstood and misunderstanding tourist who just liked Nikolai just a little too much. Absolutely horrible, absolutely disgraceful.
The tears fell when she took a shower.
Even ice would feel warm after being outside. Lukewarm water was scalding, and scalding was positively unbearable. But Maya bared it, because if she could watch herself inflict pain on herself, maybe she would believe herself later. Trust in herself. She could deal with the punishment she could dole out. And when Nikolai wasn’t there to frown and scowl and snort and stop her, the pain would get worse and worse until her body ached like her heart did, and then she started crying.
She missed him. She had only been away from him for an hour, but she missed him so very dearly that her throat didn’t work and her heart was thumping too sluggishly, as if it knew what had happened and was now demanding a reason to keep working, since the only good one had just up and left, and it hurt. Her face was pressed against the cold tile wall, which wasn’t cold at all actually, but the water was still boiling and peeling back her skin and she was all red, but she kept standing there, crying and sobbing and bawling, and wishing he would walk in and stop her again.
~*~*~
They were due to leave on Friday, but Maya somehow didn’t see it fit to leave without saying goodbye. Then again, even if she could find her way back to his new home-new! Such an ache-would she even be able to open her mouth? Would she even be able to say goodbye without starting her chain of pleads and begs and oh, please, I miss yous? She thought, knew, felt not. So she stayed in her hotel room, not leaving but not staying.
She pressed her eyes further back into her head, hoping maybe the deep pain would stop any stupid tears. She wished she had comprehensive words to say. Instead, inside her head was just a jumble of tears and emotions and English and Portuguese, none of which made sense when you put them together, and she wished so dearly that she could categorise them as Nikolai always said she should, because then, maybe, she could choose out the words and make the sentence that would call him back, make him notice whatever he had noticed back then, make him love her again is whatever way she had been loved.
As if she could ever, ever change his mind. She started crying again, but this time more silently, more secretively, more inwardly as she held her head and moaned, her heart tearing itself apart, killing itself in the way her equilibrium had and in the way she wish she could. He would frown on her if she ever brought up the topic, either in her conversation, head, heart. And she didn’t want to see that frown, the one that looked disappointed and what she used to think was a little desperate and hurt.
Even if he still loved her, his family came first, and she wished she didn’t hate him so much for that.
And. I DO LOVE YOU, thecommoniguana .
The trip to Belarus had actually been an afterthought to an afterthought. Maya had thought it almost a bad idea in the beginning-although, that might’ve been just her selfishness speaking, seeing as the forecasted temperature was in the negatives and those types of numbers scared Maya wherever she saw them-but she would never deprive Nikolai the chance of ever being happy, seeing as he went out of his way, always, to see her smile. Even if she were to complain the entire time, she knew that just taking him there would be enough, and so, with that thought, she sucked in some air, packed up everything she owned with sleeves and legs, and then boarded the twelve-hour flight to Belarus.
That was the good idea part. He seemed happy, or at least pleased, to be back in a recognizable place. He spoke the language and understood the culture, which was more than enough for Maya, who liked to spend her time clinging to him as if his body warmth was the only warmth in the city. It might have well been. Just seeing him comfortable was what she thought was enough.
Of course, good ideas always have bad portions. When she got back to the hotel room, Maya pressed the back of her hand to her eyes to hold back her tears, so well done by the icy cold wind and weather outside. She couldn’t even cry here, not even in her hotel room. If she was to cry, it would be back at home, her home, the Brasilian one, because nowhere else did she have a right. At least there, being selfish would be alright, because they were on her side, and, well, fuck it even if they weren’t. She wouldn’t have to pretend to or actually care there.
She should have never gone looking for his sister. She should’ve known the moment she clicked ‘search’ that if she found her, he would leave.
~*~*~
Her breathing had actually stopped when he shook his head. If she could’ve heard things, not just the pressing silence on her eardrums that was so heavy that it was even making her equilibrium commit suicide, she might’ve noticed if her heart had also stopped along with it. She simply smiled instead, because to show frustration or disappointment would just be rude-he had scolded her about that, of course he had, it was her fault-and thanked his sister ever so kindly in broken and breaking Russian, then hurriedly turned around and left.
On the way back, her face was red and swollen, but from all the blood rushing up to her face to combat the cold, not from the real reasons. She cursed herself over and over and over-why, why, why-and she even once cursed Nikolai, for even doing that, but then she bit her lip and cursed herself once more. Given the chance to finally be reunited with her long-lost sibling or stay with the one she hoped she loved, she definitely would’ve-
She definitely would’ve-
She didn’t know. And that made it worse.
‘Little bo peep has lost her sheep,’ Maya hummed to herself, a cynical and morbid song brought on by her self-loathing. She saw how happy Nikolai’s face had been when he saw his sister, it wasn’t even a scene she could have been introduced into. Maybe three more years, maybe then they would have caught up enough for her to be able to exist. Until then, she was a burden, a foreign, bumbling, misunderstood and misunderstanding tourist who just liked Nikolai just a little too much. Absolutely horrible, absolutely disgraceful.
The tears fell when she took a shower.
Even ice would feel warm after being outside. Lukewarm water was scalding, and scalding was positively unbearable. But Maya bared it, because if she could watch herself inflict pain on herself, maybe she would believe herself later. Trust in herself. She could deal with the punishment she could dole out. And when Nikolai wasn’t there to frown and scowl and snort and stop her, the pain would get worse and worse until her body ached like her heart did, and then she started crying.
She missed him. She had only been away from him for an hour, but she missed him so very dearly that her throat didn’t work and her heart was thumping too sluggishly, as if it knew what had happened and was now demanding a reason to keep working, since the only good one had just up and left, and it hurt. Her face was pressed against the cold tile wall, which wasn’t cold at all actually, but the water was still boiling and peeling back her skin and she was all red, but she kept standing there, crying and sobbing and bawling, and wishing he would walk in and stop her again.
~*~*~
They were due to leave on Friday, but Maya somehow didn’t see it fit to leave without saying goodbye. Then again, even if she could find her way back to his new home-new! Such an ache-would she even be able to open her mouth? Would she even be able to say goodbye without starting her chain of pleads and begs and oh, please, I miss yous? She thought, knew, felt not. So she stayed in her hotel room, not leaving but not staying.
She pressed her eyes further back into her head, hoping maybe the deep pain would stop any stupid tears. She wished she had comprehensive words to say. Instead, inside her head was just a jumble of tears and emotions and English and Portuguese, none of which made sense when you put them together, and she wished so dearly that she could categorise them as Nikolai always said she should, because then, maybe, she could choose out the words and make the sentence that would call him back, make him notice whatever he had noticed back then, make him love her again is whatever way she had been loved.
As if she could ever, ever change his mind. She started crying again, but this time more silently, more secretively, more inwardly as she held her head and moaned, her heart tearing itself apart, killing itself in the way her equilibrium had and in the way she wish she could. He would frown on her if she ever brought up the topic, either in her conversation, head, heart. And she didn’t want to see that frown, the one that looked disappointed and what she used to think was a little desperate and hurt.
Even if he still loved her, his family came first, and she wished she didn’t hate him so much for that.