Father's Will, 2/2. PG-13.
Title: Father's Will
Series: #8 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Loki/Natasha
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Healing has to take place now, and not all of it is physical.
Prior chapter:
One - Heavy Conversation
Two - Changing Directions
Natasha headed to the helicarrier without checking in on Loki. Bruce, Tony and the Asgardian Healer were all with him, and someone was bound to contact her if something went wrong. Not to mention, she could still hear his screams all too clearly, so there was no need for an encore. She felt somewhat closer to her usual levels of calm, which allowed her to put on her usual emotionless façade. When she got to the assigned conference room, there was Fury, Sitwell and Maria Hill, who she hadn't expected. Hill hadn't really been involved in any of her cases so far, though she was also Level Nine clearance.
Fury gestured to a seat in front of the three of them; she tried to push aside the feeling that this was a tribunal of some kind. Perhaps Fury thought Hill should be brought in on this, given she was present during the Battle of New York and thought highly of the World Council. Natasha and Clint knew they weren't the only ones who thought the World Council should back off and let them do their jobs, but like any bureaucrat, they thought highly of themselves and their opinions of ops assigned by SHIELD.
"We're bringing Hill in, given new data coming in from agents out in the field," Fury began.
"New data?"
Hill nodded briskly, and tapped on her tablet, bringing up information on the wall screen behind her for Natasha to view. "One of our informants in Dubai was able to pass along information regarding a lab believed to be either Hydra or related to Project Centipede." The lab itself was brought up for viewing. "It's being shut down, much of its equipment being shipped to a warehouse in Austria. The warehouse staff and its provenances are being looked into, but it's believed to be a Hydra lab."
"Believed to be," Natasha echoed, looking at Hill.
"One of my teams has been looking into Austria for some time. The warehouse is owned by Maia Schleiss, and we're looking into her history now."
Natasha looked between the three stoic faces in front of her. "Am I going in undercover?"
"That's the issue we need to discuss," Fury said. "My concern is that you're getting to be too recognizable thanks to the Avenger Initiative."
She lofted an eyebrow at him. "You requested my involvement."
"Yes, I did." Fury leveled a stare in her direction. "And now that involvement looks to be limiting your ability to do the kind of immersion work you're good at."
"Looking into the cockup at Andorra," Sitwell began, bringing up his own files on the wall screen, "part of what may have tipped off Sarkissian is how often your face was plastered on the internet and news feeds. Changing clothes or hair color isn't going to be enough to lower that recognition threshold, especially if they use facial recognition software the way we do."
"And then there's your informant," Hill said, leaning forward slightly in her seat, a subtle emphasis on the word informant. "That might be a much messier job than anyone could have predicted, and it's arguably more important than you going undercover into Austria."
"While we obviously would rather use your skills here," Sitwell began, "taking part in the Avengers Initiative is likely a better use of your resources."
"Because of Loki," Natasha said without inflection. She didn't see it as more important than possibly going to Austria. Going after Hydra was her job, containing Loki was a mission she had undertaken on her own.
"Quite frankly, he's a very real concern. And this other Asgardian you mentioned-"
"Is dead now," Natasha interrupted.
"That's all well and good," Sitwell replied, unperturbed, "but what of the next problem? Or the next? It began with an Asgardian suit of armor, then an intergalactic army. Now it's a caster..." He shook his head. "At this point, your presence with the Avengers Initiative is more valuable. They know you and they trust you."
"And more importantly," Fury intoned when she would have spoken, "Odin requested you to be the Earth's Ambassador."
Natasha blinked in surprise. "When?"
"It was first suggested after Loki's attempt to discredit you with the World Council," Fury admitted. "But he reinforced the request this morning."
Because she was willing to do the hard things that he couldn't, though she didn't voice that out loud. "I see."
"You also know a lot about the inner workings of AIM and Hydra," Hill added. "They're making moves toward magicians as well as higher technology."
"They can be integrated," Natasha said. "From what the others have said about spell work, it results in subtle radiation and shifts in quantum mechanic signatures. Past that, you'd have to talk to Bruce or Tony."
"But that's my point," Fury said, giving her a level look. "You can integrate all of this information easily, and it's a rather unique situation." He paused. "I submitted my approval for your Ambassadorship this morning."
So the choice of SHIELD vs. Avengers was essentially being made for her. Natasha wasn't sure if she should feel relieved or insulted that she couldn't choose.
Hill caught her stiff posture, and her expression was nearly a grimace. "You could probably get away with one more undercover job against Hydra. But their higher level agents will recognize you before too long. Hair dye will only hide your presence so much."
"So will my work with SHIELD be desk work only?" To be confined to the Maze only would make her itch before long, and Ambassadors had to work with endless protocols.
"You'd be our go between to the Avengers."
Natasha nodded. Really, it was a foregone conclusion if she could no longer be sent out on active missions. She lived at Avengers Tower anyway, and was part of the team. "What about Clint Barton or Steve Rogers? Clint's an agent and Steve more or less is one."
"Barton's a SHIELD agent on loan to the Avengers," Sitwell informed her. "If we need him, we'd have to recall him, same as you. In reality, we're more likely to call him into the field on our behalf more than you at this point." He didn't even look perturbed at her lofted eyebrow. "He's a marksman more than intense infiltration, and his identity hasn't been compromised yet."
"He would have been seen at the Battle of New York, not to mention the smaller skirmishes that we've been in."
"But in the rafters, he's less distinct."
Ranged vs. melee fighter. It was to be expected.
"Is there something in mind?" Sitwell asked when Natasha remained silent and visibly discontent with this information.
"I want that last mission against Hydra. I want to take down the Sarkissians," she said flatly.
Hill nodded. "Move now, and it's possible."
"Then it's decided," Fury said. Sitwell couldn't argue with that order, so he remained silent. "What's Loki's status?"
"They're working on repairing the venom damage."
"You seemed to have healed well enough," Sitwell remarked.
"His damage was worse."
"And his mental state?" Hill asked, browed furrowed in concern.
"I won't know until I stop by the lab again."
"But when he got the damage?" Sitwell asked, brows still furrowed.
Natasha thought of the way he sobbed and begged her to leave him, and how tortured her damage had made him. His attempt to ask for a usual session was his attempt at normalcy, which he so desperately needed. "He's not himself," she said finally.
"In a way that would harm our interests?"
"Depends on how it aligns with his interests," she replied truthfully. Past his concerns or damage to her person, he may not care about what SHIELD did.
"So, no different than before," Hill commented.
"Precisely."
"Can you still try to shift his actions to aid us?"
"That's how he got this damage in the first place," she said with a nod. "He took the rings so Hydra couldn't."
"Where are they now?"
"Still hidden on Yggdrasil," she told Sitwell.
"How will we get them, then?"
"Right now, no one has them, and it's likely safer that way," she said flatly. "These aren't the rings that the Ten Rings were using. They're Asgardian, not Makluon, so the search is still on to ensure that Hydra won't get them."
"So you're still in the middle of your initial mission," Hill remarked. "Going to Austria would just enhance that."
"Do whatever it takes to destabilize Hydra," Fury commanded. "They're building a power base, and we can't have that."
"Understood." She gave the three of them a serious look. "They are a threat all the Avengers want to stop." At Sitwell's confused look, Natasha repressed the urge to roll her eyes. "Steve fought Hydra. They're histories enemies of the SSR and SHIELD."
"So we have a plan of action," he said.
"Then get to it, Agent Romanoff," Fury said, rising.
Natasha rose as well. Hopefully her self-assured behavior would actually lead to Hydra's downfall, and it wasn't just bluster.
***
Remnants of Amora's venom were flushed out of Loki's wound. He still looked sickly and pale, sweat-sticky hair hanging in clumps around his head. Loki's breathing was shallow from pain and distrust, panic barely concealed. Natasha brought washcloths and ordered the Healer out of the lab summarily. She scurried out, and Natasha could hear Jarvis giving directions to lead her to find Bruce. Alone with Loki, she helped him sit up, then loosened his armor and clothing, ultimately removing it. The wound looked infinitely better than the last time she had seen it. Grabbing a basin of warm water that the Healer had left behind, she started giving the exposed skin a sponge bath. The tension eased out of him gradually.
"Today's our day," Natasha murmured. "I'd serve you this way if it pleases you."
"It's your turn, Natasha," he reminded her, his tone just as soft.
"I can swap."
"We agreed not to do that."
"Ah." Natasha continued cleaning him off, as if it was no big deal he wouldn't take the out she was giving him. "In that case, I'll postpone the day."
"Until?" he prompted, leaning into her touch.
"Until movement doesn't cause you pain."
"Possibly as early as tomorrow," he told her.
"Then I defer to the day after tomorrow."
Loki nodded his agreement, further tension bleeding out of him. "There's still pain," he admitted after a while, turning his head to watch her as she moved to watch her circle him.
"The surface sealed over, at least."
"I feel it." His fingers closed over her hand. "Inside, burning."
Natasha continued to wash his skin, using slow, caressing movement. She leaned into him a little, lips brushing close to his ear. "What would work best as a distraction?"
Loki gave her a halfhearted leer, which made her smile. "Your superiors issued orders, did they not?" he asked, no inflection in his tone. That was actually very reassuring.
"Yes. I'm going after Hydra."
"I'll go with you."
Natasha sighed. "Loki..."
"I won't interfere. But I won't stay here and they've been sending you after magic items. You cannot defend against such things." His hand tightened over hers, forcing her to stop. His gaze was uncomfortably intense. "I would not have them harming you."
"Only you can do such things?" she asked dryly.
"I haven't done such things with my days."
"No, you haven't," she admitted, seeing him withdraw slightly.
"I will not allow you to come to harm."
"I suppose that makes you a bodyguard of sorts." If only he knew what her role would be once she finished this last mission. He would appreciate the irony.
He gave her an inquiring look. "Would you have need of one?"
"Not usually."
Loki laughed and pulled her closer toward him. She resisted on principle, so there was some distance between their mouths. "You remain unbroken still. I will discover why."
She was a challenge to him, and would draw his interest for some time. "You can try," she told him in a seductive tone, knowing it would goad him further.
"I'll best you yet."
Natasha nipped his lip playfully, then disentangled herself. "We'll see."
With difficulty, Loki swung his legs over the side of the bed and took on a relaxed pose. "I'm injured, but I'll heal. I'm still a god."
And he would still be the unstable Asgardian exile she would have to manage and contain. She couldn't overestimate her skill, but he had willingly given her the means to rein him in.
"Heal quickly," she purred. The smoldering gaze in his eyes was similar to his prior looks. Whatever damage the rings had done to his mind was hopefully temporary. Hopefully.
"With spells if I must."
Natasha gave him a sultry look. "You must," she said before turning to leave.
"There's more of me to clean," he taunted, kicking out one of his legs.
Her lips curled into a smile as she looked over her shoulder. "Think of me as you do it."
His laughter sounded like his usual self, which was a very good sign as far as she was concerned.
***
Pulling Clint and Steve aside into a side room, Natasha summarized her meeting with Fury, Hill and Sitwell. Steve frowned, mulling over her words. "So we're all in that gray area between organizations," Steve said.
"Pretty much. But we'd be used for more public ops now, and Clint can still do recon or backup ops." Natasha looked at them both. "I did ask to finish this one out. I don't want to leave the job incomplete, not after all the investment I've put into it."
Clint gave her a wry smile. "Perfectionist."
"Someone's got to be, you slacker," she teased.
"So how can we help?" Steve asked.
"That I'll have to figure out. Loki already said he wants to come with me in case there are magic items Hydra collected."
"He's obsessed with you," Steve told her with a frown.
Natasha nodded, and Clint looked at her in concern. "You're going to use that, I know you. But it didn't work out as well as you thought it would the last time."
"Which is why I'm telling you, in case I need the backup. I doubt I'd get proper backup from a field office."
"How is Loki?" Clint asked with a frown.
"Not quite as bad as when he wore the rings."
"What does Odin expect you to do?"
Natasha shrugged. "He didn't exactly say much when I was there, so I can only assume he wants me to do more of the same."
"Rather like Fury," Steve commented. "Just like every general on the field-only telling you just enough to move you in the right direction, but not enough to give you an idea of why the orders are coming down the way they are."
"We're supposed to trust in the system," Clint sighed.
"Supposed to," Natasha stressed. "But then, neither of you are Level Nine clearance." She grinned at them in a conspiratorial manner.
"If you need us, we've got your back. Bruce and Tony will, too," Steve added. "And when Thor's back on Earth, he'll help, too. That's what being on a team is about."
"I know. We're just used to a much smaller team."
Steve gave her arm a subtle squeeze. "So how do we help with Loki?" he asked earnestly. "He doesn't trust anyone here but you, and even then, it's obsession, not trust."
"I'm not sure where he's at mentally just yet," she admitted. "I know it's not as bad as last week, but he wasn't exactly easily predictable before."
Clint pulled a face. "This is involving the stuff I don't want to hear about, right?"
She grinned. "Very likely."
"You just love fucking with me, don't you?"
"You make it too easy," she teased.
Steve couldn't help but laugh at them. "I'm sure I won't like the details either, right?"
"Probably not. I'm continually bait, to put it nicely."
Nodding, Steve sighed. "Not my favorite way to get the job done, but it works." He grasped her arm in a friendly show of support. "We're with you, Natasha. Just say the word."
She kept her wide smile and patted both of their arms. "Thanks. I really appreciate that."
***
It was almost comforting to be in the Astoria safe house, especially after Natasha convinced Tony that he didn't need to keep his extended search protocols in place. "I know where Loki is going. I have the app you installed for me," she added to forestall his protests. "If I have concern about where he is, I will absolutely expand the search parameters."
Sitting on the couch in the living room, she took in the bare bones look of the place. That was in stark contrast to the lush decorating job Loki had done to the bedroom. She hadn't ever intended this safe house to actually be a place to run to, but Loki didn't have anywhere else to go in Midgard. His prior behavior had ensured that, and he had no other allies.
He opened the door, strolling in looking like an ordinary human man. He wore slim black jeans with silver rivets over black heeled boots. His shirt was a light green, almost teal, unbuttoned at the throat and cuffs undone. There was no sign of the ring or amulet, so likely Bruce and Tony did a much better job hiding them this time around. Loki wasn't so frighteningly pale, and his hair fell in soft waves around his face. It made him look more vulnerable than she expected, but it was a good look for him.
Loki smiled when he saw her with her feet up on the couch, and he locked the door behind him the way she usually did. Resetting the alarms and wards took but a moment, and then he stood at the side of the couch. "Natasha," he murmured, voice soft. She could almost hear the longing in his voice, and willed herself not to react to it.
"All damage is healed?"
She knew for a fact that her own back had healed without scarring, no indication at all that she had ever been injured. The Healer hadn't been able to say the same of Loki's wounds; Amora had apparently concocted something and tailored it to destroy him specifically. It hadn't targeted his Jotun nature, but was probably a spell that targeted him by name.
Magic could be such a bitch sometimes.
"I'm well enough," he answered. Yes, there was that longing.
"Take off the shirt and show me," she commanded.
Loki's nostrils flared; he wanted this, but probably hadn't expected her to dive in again so soon after his arrival. Without her asking him to, he dropped to his knees in front of her and then swiftly unbuttoned the shirt. There was no undershirt to block her view of his chest. He was lean, thinner than before, some of the muscle having wasted away as he walked Yggdrasil. Natasha ran her finger along the edge of discolored skin just above his heart. It was slightly darker than the rest of his pale chest, but not puckered or showing sign of infection.
"Do I please you?" he asked, voice soft. There was no challenge in his tone, no mockery to draw out her crueler side. If anything, he was infinitely gentler now, as if a single harsh word from her would cause his spirit to shatter.
She didn't want that. She might have wanted many things, but that was not one of them. That would make her no better than Amora.
Instead, Natasha raised her hand. Loki managed not to flinch at that, but she merely cupped his cheek and ran her thumb across the corner of his mouth. "I'm glad you're not dead."
"Are you really?" he asked, voice thick with repressed emotion.
"Yes, I am," she replied honestly.
"I've hurt you so much," he whispered.
"Yes, you have," she agreed. "You've been an insufferable, angry bastard."
"You don't like me."
"Not all the time, no."
His gaze was level with hers, and she met his eyes without flinching. He wanted honesty, and honesty hurt. It would be easier to lie, but that would cause him to retreat into himself, and ultimately he would unravel and take it out on the universe. He'd been lied to enough, and he had more than earned this truth.
"What would you have me do?" he asked, a slight rasp to his voice.
"Take off your clothes."
Relief flooded his posture as he hurried to do her bidding, and he knelt down on the floor in front of her afterward. Natasha studied the lean lines of his body, then reached out and traced the splotch of darker skin over his chest. Loki's breath caught, his lower lip trembling slightly as he tried to keep his body still during her perusal. He wouldn't speak, not until he had her explicit permission, but she could tell that he wanted to ask why she was doing this. Why not have him on his hands and knees eating her out? Or bent over so she could take him? Why no tools or chains, no other reminders of his most recent bout of captivity?
"I have the chain here," she murmured, scratching at his skin a little harder. Loki may have made a soft despairing sound, but it was swallowed up by a ragged breath. "I will use it on you."
"Whatever you like," he whispered.
"But not today."
His eyes rose to hers, a faint shine to them. His expression was one of fear and anticipation at once; he feared the memories that the chains would invoke even as he craved her touch and his response to it. He was a bundle of contradictions, longing for a place to belong even as he destroyed it. It was pure chaos, a maelstrom he kept creating even as he tried to escape from it. If he did get a prolonged period of rest, he wouldn't know what to do with himself.
"Natasha," he whispered, voice breaking.
"She wanted to kill you because she was petty and insane." Natasha paused, reaching out to touch his cheek again. "You've got your own kind of crazy going on," she murmured, running the ball of her thumb over his lip. Loki wasn't breathing, his eyes transfixed on her face. "What you need to understand is that I'm here and I'm going to control you. I'm the only one allowed to kill you. Is that understood?"
Loki let out a relieved breath, tension bleeding from the slope of his bare shoulders. "Yes, Natasha," he said softly. He let his eyes fall shut as she continued to rub his lip gently. "I trust you," he added, voice barely audible.
My, how far they have come since their first meeting on the helicarrier.
Spreading her legs wide so that they fell on either side of his waist, she shimmied to the edge of the couch. His breathing was so shallow now, as if afraid she would let go of him. "Loki," she murmured, infinitely gentle.
He opened his eyes, a terrible vulnerability and need evident on his face. "Natasha," he whispered, voice hoarse.
"What do you need?"
"I don't know." Loki's breath hitched, and he blinked furiously. "I don't know anymore." His voice broke, and he made no effort to hide it from her. "I thought I did. I had plans. I knew what I must do. But then..."
"But then."
He shivered under her heavy gaze but remained silent. She could almost hear him saying her name as if it was a prayer. Natasha.
They were bound somehow, not from whatever magic spells he might have laid into her, but by the sum of these experiences they'd shared, the level of intimacy that neither were willing to share with anyone else. Almost in spite of herself, Natasha knew there were certain things she could trust Loki to always do or say; as much as he had lied about not wearing the rings and had struck her, he would not lie to her here, not under these circumstances.
"I can get the chains," she began slowly, feeling the tremors pass through him. "I can wrap them around your wrists. I can hang you from the ceiling, touch you, and you couldn't touch me. I can blindfold you, and you could listen to me moving all around you." His eyes fell closed almost of their own volition. "I can do this."
"I will let you," he whispered brokenly when she fell silent.
"I know." She stroked his hair softly. "But I won't do that today."
Loki's eyes flew open. "Why not?" There was audible agony in his voice. "Why won't you? It's your day, your time. You do with me as you will."
"I'll be leaving for Austria soon," she murmured. "And that's my last mission undercover. After that, I'll be serving as Ambassador to Asgard. Odin insisted on it, and Fury agreed." She laughed at his stunned expression. "That was rather my thought, too."
"But we... How can you-?"
"So today, I want you to do what you want."
"I can't," he said, eyes going wide. She couldn't tell if it was shock or fear, if he thought that she was trying to trick him somehow.
"You can and you will," she purred in her domme voice. "Because words are your weapons, and I won't have you using those. Today, you show me what you want. Deeds, not words."
Loki licked his lips almost nervously. "Whatever I want," he said, making sure he had heard her correctly. At her nod, he still had to ask "Are you sure?"
"No artifice, Loki. I want you to show me."
He surged forward, capturing her mouth with his. The kiss held all the emotion he couldn't voice, his tongue licking into her mouth and his hand coming to rest at the base of her skull, holding her close. His other hand cupped a breast through her clothes, and he pressed himself against her as if he could slide inside her very skin. It wasn't possessive in the slightest, however. Natasha supposed that he was exploring her response, cradling her body with his hands, as if he could protect her from whatever was coming in the future.
Loki deepened the kiss further and pulled at her shirt. The kiss broke just long enough for him to pull her shirt up and over her head, then he seized her mouth again. There was desperation there, as if he couldn't believe she was allowing this, as if he thought she would hurt him after what they had both gone through in the caverns. He unhooked her bra hurriedly, drawing the straps down her shoulders, then pulled her flush against his chest. The skin to skin contact felt electric, as if they'd never touched before. Maybe because this time there was no game to it; he didn't have her tied up at his mercy or attempting to make her beg for release, and she didn't have him twisted up in knots of self-loathing and despair. This time, she gave him permission to seek what physical comfort he wanted, no games or need for either of them to show dominance.
Pulling her to the floor, Loki moved to kiss her neck and lick at the valley between her breasts as he fumbled with the button and zipper on her jeans. Taking some pity on him, Natasha undid them and kicked them off as well as her underwear. With reverent touches, Loki moved over her body, kissing and licking just about every inch of exposed skin. He made love to her, every move over her skin like a prayer, as if he could memorize this moment or make it last for eternity. They moved to the bedroom at her insistence, but he still didn't let her take the lead. Loki didn't say a word as their bodies moved in tandem, as she writhed beneath him and cried out. He was close to tears, wordless emotion clearly evident.
Afterward, he curled up around her, still holding her close. She could almost feel the shivers rolling through him, and turned in his embrace. Touching his cheeks gently, she watched him carefully as he struggled to control his breathing. "Loki."
"You are," he started to say, then took a breath. "You are an anchor. When I tread Yggdrasil, when she cut into me. Thinking of you brought me back here."
You are a balm. The calm before the storm.
Natasha slid an arm around his torso, holding him tight. "Comfort," she murmured.
"Yes."
"There's so little of it otherwise."
"Exactly," he breathed, his eyes sliding shut. Here, he could be at peace, and she knew what he needed. He didn't even have to ask.
Natasha tilted her chin up and brushed her lips across his, a gentle and tender moment that had him sighing again. "I'll keep you safe, Loki. You can depend on that."
Cradling her body against his, it was clear that Loki did depend on her now. He might not have been able to verbalize his feelings without trying to turn it into a game or manipulation, but it was clear in how he touched her. It was clear in all the things he did, all the lies he couldn't voice, all the demons he couldn't name.
Even liars told the truth sometimes. Who better to know than another liar?
This was one perfect moment of peace, one they both valued. Perhaps it was the only truth they really needed.
The End
Author's Note: And now we come to the end of the second arc of stories. I'm putting this comment at the end of this story so it doesn't detract from the text. Usually I don't write much about my Real Life goings on with fic updates, but since I've been doing these updates pretty consistently and I've mentioned in comments that I've been working on later stories in this series, I figure I should say a little something. I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant, and I fully expect to deliver sometime during the 40th week. (I did with my other two kids, so I don't think it's out of line to expect a repeat performance. lol)
This is only relevant in the sense that the third arc is mostly written (still trying to slog through the ending of #12 while participating in the AA Fest and working full time and dealing with two small children and... well, you get the idea!) But if I deliver more or less on time, I don't want to post up one or possibly two chapters of the next story, then leave it hanging for a while until I get into some sort of routine with my new baby. I'd rather take a brief hiatus in the weekly updates, figure out a good time to restart, and then post again. And in the meantime, maybe I'll finish #12. We'll see. Babies are rather predictably unpredictable in the newborn stage. :D
Series: #8 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Loki/Natasha
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Healing has to take place now, and not all of it is physical.
Prior chapter:
One - Heavy Conversation
Two - Changing Directions
Natasha headed to the helicarrier without checking in on Loki. Bruce, Tony and the Asgardian Healer were all with him, and someone was bound to contact her if something went wrong. Not to mention, she could still hear his screams all too clearly, so there was no need for an encore. She felt somewhat closer to her usual levels of calm, which allowed her to put on her usual emotionless façade. When she got to the assigned conference room, there was Fury, Sitwell and Maria Hill, who she hadn't expected. Hill hadn't really been involved in any of her cases so far, though she was also Level Nine clearance.
Fury gestured to a seat in front of the three of them; she tried to push aside the feeling that this was a tribunal of some kind. Perhaps Fury thought Hill should be brought in on this, given she was present during the Battle of New York and thought highly of the World Council. Natasha and Clint knew they weren't the only ones who thought the World Council should back off and let them do their jobs, but like any bureaucrat, they thought highly of themselves and their opinions of ops assigned by SHIELD.
"We're bringing Hill in, given new data coming in from agents out in the field," Fury began.
"New data?"
Hill nodded briskly, and tapped on her tablet, bringing up information on the wall screen behind her for Natasha to view. "One of our informants in Dubai was able to pass along information regarding a lab believed to be either Hydra or related to Project Centipede." The lab itself was brought up for viewing. "It's being shut down, much of its equipment being shipped to a warehouse in Austria. The warehouse staff and its provenances are being looked into, but it's believed to be a Hydra lab."
"Believed to be," Natasha echoed, looking at Hill.
"One of my teams has been looking into Austria for some time. The warehouse is owned by Maia Schleiss, and we're looking into her history now."
Natasha looked between the three stoic faces in front of her. "Am I going in undercover?"
"That's the issue we need to discuss," Fury said. "My concern is that you're getting to be too recognizable thanks to the Avenger Initiative."
She lofted an eyebrow at him. "You requested my involvement."
"Yes, I did." Fury leveled a stare in her direction. "And now that involvement looks to be limiting your ability to do the kind of immersion work you're good at."
"Looking into the cockup at Andorra," Sitwell began, bringing up his own files on the wall screen, "part of what may have tipped off Sarkissian is how often your face was plastered on the internet and news feeds. Changing clothes or hair color isn't going to be enough to lower that recognition threshold, especially if they use facial recognition software the way we do."
"And then there's your informant," Hill said, leaning forward slightly in her seat, a subtle emphasis on the word informant. "That might be a much messier job than anyone could have predicted, and it's arguably more important than you going undercover into Austria."
"While we obviously would rather use your skills here," Sitwell began, "taking part in the Avengers Initiative is likely a better use of your resources."
"Because of Loki," Natasha said without inflection. She didn't see it as more important than possibly going to Austria. Going after Hydra was her job, containing Loki was a mission she had undertaken on her own.
"Quite frankly, he's a very real concern. And this other Asgardian you mentioned-"
"Is dead now," Natasha interrupted.
"That's all well and good," Sitwell replied, unperturbed, "but what of the next problem? Or the next? It began with an Asgardian suit of armor, then an intergalactic army. Now it's a caster..." He shook his head. "At this point, your presence with the Avengers Initiative is more valuable. They know you and they trust you."
"And more importantly," Fury intoned when she would have spoken, "Odin requested you to be the Earth's Ambassador."
Natasha blinked in surprise. "When?"
"It was first suggested after Loki's attempt to discredit you with the World Council," Fury admitted. "But he reinforced the request this morning."
Because she was willing to do the hard things that he couldn't, though she didn't voice that out loud. "I see."
"You also know a lot about the inner workings of AIM and Hydra," Hill added. "They're making moves toward magicians as well as higher technology."
"They can be integrated," Natasha said. "From what the others have said about spell work, it results in subtle radiation and shifts in quantum mechanic signatures. Past that, you'd have to talk to Bruce or Tony."
"But that's my point," Fury said, giving her a level look. "You can integrate all of this information easily, and it's a rather unique situation." He paused. "I submitted my approval for your Ambassadorship this morning."
So the choice of SHIELD vs. Avengers was essentially being made for her. Natasha wasn't sure if she should feel relieved or insulted that she couldn't choose.
Hill caught her stiff posture, and her expression was nearly a grimace. "You could probably get away with one more undercover job against Hydra. But their higher level agents will recognize you before too long. Hair dye will only hide your presence so much."
"So will my work with SHIELD be desk work only?" To be confined to the Maze only would make her itch before long, and Ambassadors had to work with endless protocols.
"You'd be our go between to the Avengers."
Natasha nodded. Really, it was a foregone conclusion if she could no longer be sent out on active missions. She lived at Avengers Tower anyway, and was part of the team. "What about Clint Barton or Steve Rogers? Clint's an agent and Steve more or less is one."
"Barton's a SHIELD agent on loan to the Avengers," Sitwell informed her. "If we need him, we'd have to recall him, same as you. In reality, we're more likely to call him into the field on our behalf more than you at this point." He didn't even look perturbed at her lofted eyebrow. "He's a marksman more than intense infiltration, and his identity hasn't been compromised yet."
"He would have been seen at the Battle of New York, not to mention the smaller skirmishes that we've been in."
"But in the rafters, he's less distinct."
Ranged vs. melee fighter. It was to be expected.
"Is there something in mind?" Sitwell asked when Natasha remained silent and visibly discontent with this information.
"I want that last mission against Hydra. I want to take down the Sarkissians," she said flatly.
Hill nodded. "Move now, and it's possible."
"Then it's decided," Fury said. Sitwell couldn't argue with that order, so he remained silent. "What's Loki's status?"
"They're working on repairing the venom damage."
"You seemed to have healed well enough," Sitwell remarked.
"His damage was worse."
"And his mental state?" Hill asked, browed furrowed in concern.
"I won't know until I stop by the lab again."
"But when he got the damage?" Sitwell asked, brows still furrowed.
Natasha thought of the way he sobbed and begged her to leave him, and how tortured her damage had made him. His attempt to ask for a usual session was his attempt at normalcy, which he so desperately needed. "He's not himself," she said finally.
"In a way that would harm our interests?"
"Depends on how it aligns with his interests," she replied truthfully. Past his concerns or damage to her person, he may not care about what SHIELD did.
"So, no different than before," Hill commented.
"Precisely."
"Can you still try to shift his actions to aid us?"
"That's how he got this damage in the first place," she said with a nod. "He took the rings so Hydra couldn't."
"Where are they now?"
"Still hidden on Yggdrasil," she told Sitwell.
"How will we get them, then?"
"Right now, no one has them, and it's likely safer that way," she said flatly. "These aren't the rings that the Ten Rings were using. They're Asgardian, not Makluon, so the search is still on to ensure that Hydra won't get them."
"So you're still in the middle of your initial mission," Hill remarked. "Going to Austria would just enhance that."
"Do whatever it takes to destabilize Hydra," Fury commanded. "They're building a power base, and we can't have that."
"Understood." She gave the three of them a serious look. "They are a threat all the Avengers want to stop." At Sitwell's confused look, Natasha repressed the urge to roll her eyes. "Steve fought Hydra. They're histories enemies of the SSR and SHIELD."
"So we have a plan of action," he said.
"Then get to it, Agent Romanoff," Fury said, rising.
Natasha rose as well. Hopefully her self-assured behavior would actually lead to Hydra's downfall, and it wasn't just bluster.
***
Remnants of Amora's venom were flushed out of Loki's wound. He still looked sickly and pale, sweat-sticky hair hanging in clumps around his head. Loki's breathing was shallow from pain and distrust, panic barely concealed. Natasha brought washcloths and ordered the Healer out of the lab summarily. She scurried out, and Natasha could hear Jarvis giving directions to lead her to find Bruce. Alone with Loki, she helped him sit up, then loosened his armor and clothing, ultimately removing it. The wound looked infinitely better than the last time she had seen it. Grabbing a basin of warm water that the Healer had left behind, she started giving the exposed skin a sponge bath. The tension eased out of him gradually.
"Today's our day," Natasha murmured. "I'd serve you this way if it pleases you."
"It's your turn, Natasha," he reminded her, his tone just as soft.
"I can swap."
"We agreed not to do that."
"Ah." Natasha continued cleaning him off, as if it was no big deal he wouldn't take the out she was giving him. "In that case, I'll postpone the day."
"Until?" he prompted, leaning into her touch.
"Until movement doesn't cause you pain."
"Possibly as early as tomorrow," he told her.
"Then I defer to the day after tomorrow."
Loki nodded his agreement, further tension bleeding out of him. "There's still pain," he admitted after a while, turning his head to watch her as she moved to watch her circle him.
"The surface sealed over, at least."
"I feel it." His fingers closed over her hand. "Inside, burning."
Natasha continued to wash his skin, using slow, caressing movement. She leaned into him a little, lips brushing close to his ear. "What would work best as a distraction?"
Loki gave her a halfhearted leer, which made her smile. "Your superiors issued orders, did they not?" he asked, no inflection in his tone. That was actually very reassuring.
"Yes. I'm going after Hydra."
"I'll go with you."
Natasha sighed. "Loki..."
"I won't interfere. But I won't stay here and they've been sending you after magic items. You cannot defend against such things." His hand tightened over hers, forcing her to stop. His gaze was uncomfortably intense. "I would not have them harming you."
"Only you can do such things?" she asked dryly.
"I haven't done such things with my days."
"No, you haven't," she admitted, seeing him withdraw slightly.
"I will not allow you to come to harm."
"I suppose that makes you a bodyguard of sorts." If only he knew what her role would be once she finished this last mission. He would appreciate the irony.
He gave her an inquiring look. "Would you have need of one?"
"Not usually."
Loki laughed and pulled her closer toward him. She resisted on principle, so there was some distance between their mouths. "You remain unbroken still. I will discover why."
She was a challenge to him, and would draw his interest for some time. "You can try," she told him in a seductive tone, knowing it would goad him further.
"I'll best you yet."
Natasha nipped his lip playfully, then disentangled herself. "We'll see."
With difficulty, Loki swung his legs over the side of the bed and took on a relaxed pose. "I'm injured, but I'll heal. I'm still a god."
And he would still be the unstable Asgardian exile she would have to manage and contain. She couldn't overestimate her skill, but he had willingly given her the means to rein him in.
"Heal quickly," she purred. The smoldering gaze in his eyes was similar to his prior looks. Whatever damage the rings had done to his mind was hopefully temporary. Hopefully.
"With spells if I must."
Natasha gave him a sultry look. "You must," she said before turning to leave.
"There's more of me to clean," he taunted, kicking out one of his legs.
Her lips curled into a smile as she looked over her shoulder. "Think of me as you do it."
His laughter sounded like his usual self, which was a very good sign as far as she was concerned.
***
Pulling Clint and Steve aside into a side room, Natasha summarized her meeting with Fury, Hill and Sitwell. Steve frowned, mulling over her words. "So we're all in that gray area between organizations," Steve said.
"Pretty much. But we'd be used for more public ops now, and Clint can still do recon or backup ops." Natasha looked at them both. "I did ask to finish this one out. I don't want to leave the job incomplete, not after all the investment I've put into it."
Clint gave her a wry smile. "Perfectionist."
"Someone's got to be, you slacker," she teased.
"So how can we help?" Steve asked.
"That I'll have to figure out. Loki already said he wants to come with me in case there are magic items Hydra collected."
"He's obsessed with you," Steve told her with a frown.
Natasha nodded, and Clint looked at her in concern. "You're going to use that, I know you. But it didn't work out as well as you thought it would the last time."
"Which is why I'm telling you, in case I need the backup. I doubt I'd get proper backup from a field office."
"How is Loki?" Clint asked with a frown.
"Not quite as bad as when he wore the rings."
"What does Odin expect you to do?"
Natasha shrugged. "He didn't exactly say much when I was there, so I can only assume he wants me to do more of the same."
"Rather like Fury," Steve commented. "Just like every general on the field-only telling you just enough to move you in the right direction, but not enough to give you an idea of why the orders are coming down the way they are."
"We're supposed to trust in the system," Clint sighed.
"Supposed to," Natasha stressed. "But then, neither of you are Level Nine clearance." She grinned at them in a conspiratorial manner.
"If you need us, we've got your back. Bruce and Tony will, too," Steve added. "And when Thor's back on Earth, he'll help, too. That's what being on a team is about."
"I know. We're just used to a much smaller team."
Steve gave her arm a subtle squeeze. "So how do we help with Loki?" he asked earnestly. "He doesn't trust anyone here but you, and even then, it's obsession, not trust."
"I'm not sure where he's at mentally just yet," she admitted. "I know it's not as bad as last week, but he wasn't exactly easily predictable before."
Clint pulled a face. "This is involving the stuff I don't want to hear about, right?"
She grinned. "Very likely."
"You just love fucking with me, don't you?"
"You make it too easy," she teased.
Steve couldn't help but laugh at them. "I'm sure I won't like the details either, right?"
"Probably not. I'm continually bait, to put it nicely."
Nodding, Steve sighed. "Not my favorite way to get the job done, but it works." He grasped her arm in a friendly show of support. "We're with you, Natasha. Just say the word."
She kept her wide smile and patted both of their arms. "Thanks. I really appreciate that."
***
It was almost comforting to be in the Astoria safe house, especially after Natasha convinced Tony that he didn't need to keep his extended search protocols in place. "I know where Loki is going. I have the app you installed for me," she added to forestall his protests. "If I have concern about where he is, I will absolutely expand the search parameters."
Sitting on the couch in the living room, she took in the bare bones look of the place. That was in stark contrast to the lush decorating job Loki had done to the bedroom. She hadn't ever intended this safe house to actually be a place to run to, but Loki didn't have anywhere else to go in Midgard. His prior behavior had ensured that, and he had no other allies.
He opened the door, strolling in looking like an ordinary human man. He wore slim black jeans with silver rivets over black heeled boots. His shirt was a light green, almost teal, unbuttoned at the throat and cuffs undone. There was no sign of the ring or amulet, so likely Bruce and Tony did a much better job hiding them this time around. Loki wasn't so frighteningly pale, and his hair fell in soft waves around his face. It made him look more vulnerable than she expected, but it was a good look for him.
Loki smiled when he saw her with her feet up on the couch, and he locked the door behind him the way she usually did. Resetting the alarms and wards took but a moment, and then he stood at the side of the couch. "Natasha," he murmured, voice soft. She could almost hear the longing in his voice, and willed herself not to react to it.
"All damage is healed?"
She knew for a fact that her own back had healed without scarring, no indication at all that she had ever been injured. The Healer hadn't been able to say the same of Loki's wounds; Amora had apparently concocted something and tailored it to destroy him specifically. It hadn't targeted his Jotun nature, but was probably a spell that targeted him by name.
Magic could be such a bitch sometimes.
"I'm well enough," he answered. Yes, there was that longing.
"Take off the shirt and show me," she commanded.
Loki's nostrils flared; he wanted this, but probably hadn't expected her to dive in again so soon after his arrival. Without her asking him to, he dropped to his knees in front of her and then swiftly unbuttoned the shirt. There was no undershirt to block her view of his chest. He was lean, thinner than before, some of the muscle having wasted away as he walked Yggdrasil. Natasha ran her finger along the edge of discolored skin just above his heart. It was slightly darker than the rest of his pale chest, but not puckered or showing sign of infection.
"Do I please you?" he asked, voice soft. There was no challenge in his tone, no mockery to draw out her crueler side. If anything, he was infinitely gentler now, as if a single harsh word from her would cause his spirit to shatter.
She didn't want that. She might have wanted many things, but that was not one of them. That would make her no better than Amora.
Instead, Natasha raised her hand. Loki managed not to flinch at that, but she merely cupped his cheek and ran her thumb across the corner of his mouth. "I'm glad you're not dead."
"Are you really?" he asked, voice thick with repressed emotion.
"Yes, I am," she replied honestly.
"I've hurt you so much," he whispered.
"Yes, you have," she agreed. "You've been an insufferable, angry bastard."
"You don't like me."
"Not all the time, no."
His gaze was level with hers, and she met his eyes without flinching. He wanted honesty, and honesty hurt. It would be easier to lie, but that would cause him to retreat into himself, and ultimately he would unravel and take it out on the universe. He'd been lied to enough, and he had more than earned this truth.
"What would you have me do?" he asked, a slight rasp to his voice.
"Take off your clothes."
Relief flooded his posture as he hurried to do her bidding, and he knelt down on the floor in front of her afterward. Natasha studied the lean lines of his body, then reached out and traced the splotch of darker skin over his chest. Loki's breath caught, his lower lip trembling slightly as he tried to keep his body still during her perusal. He wouldn't speak, not until he had her explicit permission, but she could tell that he wanted to ask why she was doing this. Why not have him on his hands and knees eating her out? Or bent over so she could take him? Why no tools or chains, no other reminders of his most recent bout of captivity?
"I have the chain here," she murmured, scratching at his skin a little harder. Loki may have made a soft despairing sound, but it was swallowed up by a ragged breath. "I will use it on you."
"Whatever you like," he whispered.
"But not today."
His eyes rose to hers, a faint shine to them. His expression was one of fear and anticipation at once; he feared the memories that the chains would invoke even as he craved her touch and his response to it. He was a bundle of contradictions, longing for a place to belong even as he destroyed it. It was pure chaos, a maelstrom he kept creating even as he tried to escape from it. If he did get a prolonged period of rest, he wouldn't know what to do with himself.
"Natasha," he whispered, voice breaking.
"She wanted to kill you because she was petty and insane." Natasha paused, reaching out to touch his cheek again. "You've got your own kind of crazy going on," she murmured, running the ball of her thumb over his lip. Loki wasn't breathing, his eyes transfixed on her face. "What you need to understand is that I'm here and I'm going to control you. I'm the only one allowed to kill you. Is that understood?"
Loki let out a relieved breath, tension bleeding from the slope of his bare shoulders. "Yes, Natasha," he said softly. He let his eyes fall shut as she continued to rub his lip gently. "I trust you," he added, voice barely audible.
My, how far they have come since their first meeting on the helicarrier.
Spreading her legs wide so that they fell on either side of his waist, she shimmied to the edge of the couch. His breathing was so shallow now, as if afraid she would let go of him. "Loki," she murmured, infinitely gentle.
He opened his eyes, a terrible vulnerability and need evident on his face. "Natasha," he whispered, voice hoarse.
"What do you need?"
"I don't know." Loki's breath hitched, and he blinked furiously. "I don't know anymore." His voice broke, and he made no effort to hide it from her. "I thought I did. I had plans. I knew what I must do. But then..."
"But then."
He shivered under her heavy gaze but remained silent. She could almost hear him saying her name as if it was a prayer. Natasha.
They were bound somehow, not from whatever magic spells he might have laid into her, but by the sum of these experiences they'd shared, the level of intimacy that neither were willing to share with anyone else. Almost in spite of herself, Natasha knew there were certain things she could trust Loki to always do or say; as much as he had lied about not wearing the rings and had struck her, he would not lie to her here, not under these circumstances.
"I can get the chains," she began slowly, feeling the tremors pass through him. "I can wrap them around your wrists. I can hang you from the ceiling, touch you, and you couldn't touch me. I can blindfold you, and you could listen to me moving all around you." His eyes fell closed almost of their own volition. "I can do this."
"I will let you," he whispered brokenly when she fell silent.
"I know." She stroked his hair softly. "But I won't do that today."
Loki's eyes flew open. "Why not?" There was audible agony in his voice. "Why won't you? It's your day, your time. You do with me as you will."
"I'll be leaving for Austria soon," she murmured. "And that's my last mission undercover. After that, I'll be serving as Ambassador to Asgard. Odin insisted on it, and Fury agreed." She laughed at his stunned expression. "That was rather my thought, too."
"But we... How can you-?"
"So today, I want you to do what you want."
"I can't," he said, eyes going wide. She couldn't tell if it was shock or fear, if he thought that she was trying to trick him somehow.
"You can and you will," she purred in her domme voice. "Because words are your weapons, and I won't have you using those. Today, you show me what you want. Deeds, not words."
Loki licked his lips almost nervously. "Whatever I want," he said, making sure he had heard her correctly. At her nod, he still had to ask "Are you sure?"
"No artifice, Loki. I want you to show me."
He surged forward, capturing her mouth with his. The kiss held all the emotion he couldn't voice, his tongue licking into her mouth and his hand coming to rest at the base of her skull, holding her close. His other hand cupped a breast through her clothes, and he pressed himself against her as if he could slide inside her very skin. It wasn't possessive in the slightest, however. Natasha supposed that he was exploring her response, cradling her body with his hands, as if he could protect her from whatever was coming in the future.
Loki deepened the kiss further and pulled at her shirt. The kiss broke just long enough for him to pull her shirt up and over her head, then he seized her mouth again. There was desperation there, as if he couldn't believe she was allowing this, as if he thought she would hurt him after what they had both gone through in the caverns. He unhooked her bra hurriedly, drawing the straps down her shoulders, then pulled her flush against his chest. The skin to skin contact felt electric, as if they'd never touched before. Maybe because this time there was no game to it; he didn't have her tied up at his mercy or attempting to make her beg for release, and she didn't have him twisted up in knots of self-loathing and despair. This time, she gave him permission to seek what physical comfort he wanted, no games or need for either of them to show dominance.
Pulling her to the floor, Loki moved to kiss her neck and lick at the valley between her breasts as he fumbled with the button and zipper on her jeans. Taking some pity on him, Natasha undid them and kicked them off as well as her underwear. With reverent touches, Loki moved over her body, kissing and licking just about every inch of exposed skin. He made love to her, every move over her skin like a prayer, as if he could memorize this moment or make it last for eternity. They moved to the bedroom at her insistence, but he still didn't let her take the lead. Loki didn't say a word as their bodies moved in tandem, as she writhed beneath him and cried out. He was close to tears, wordless emotion clearly evident.
Afterward, he curled up around her, still holding her close. She could almost feel the shivers rolling through him, and turned in his embrace. Touching his cheeks gently, she watched him carefully as he struggled to control his breathing. "Loki."
"You are," he started to say, then took a breath. "You are an anchor. When I tread Yggdrasil, when she cut into me. Thinking of you brought me back here."
You are a balm. The calm before the storm.
Natasha slid an arm around his torso, holding him tight. "Comfort," she murmured.
"Yes."
"There's so little of it otherwise."
"Exactly," he breathed, his eyes sliding shut. Here, he could be at peace, and she knew what he needed. He didn't even have to ask.
Natasha tilted her chin up and brushed her lips across his, a gentle and tender moment that had him sighing again. "I'll keep you safe, Loki. You can depend on that."
Cradling her body against his, it was clear that Loki did depend on her now. He might not have been able to verbalize his feelings without trying to turn it into a game or manipulation, but it was clear in how he touched her. It was clear in all the things he did, all the lies he couldn't voice, all the demons he couldn't name.
Even liars told the truth sometimes. Who better to know than another liar?
This was one perfect moment of peace, one they both valued. Perhaps it was the only truth they really needed.
The End
Author's Note: And now we come to the end of the second arc of stories. I'm putting this comment at the end of this story so it doesn't detract from the text. Usually I don't write much about my Real Life goings on with fic updates, but since I've been doing these updates pretty consistently and I've mentioned in comments that I've been working on later stories in this series, I figure I should say a little something. I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant, and I fully expect to deliver sometime during the 40th week. (I did with my other two kids, so I don't think it's out of line to expect a repeat performance. lol)
This is only relevant in the sense that the third arc is mostly written (still trying to slog through the ending of #12 while participating in the AA Fest and working full time and dealing with two small children and... well, you get the idea!) But if I deliver more or less on time, I don't want to post up one or possibly two chapters of the next story, then leave it hanging for a while until I get into some sort of routine with my new baby. I'd rather take a brief hiatus in the weekly updates, figure out a good time to restart, and then post again. And in the meantime, maybe I'll finish #12. We'll see. Babies are rather predictably unpredictable in the newborn stage. :D