(Untitled)

[eva_c]

This is a continuation of this that would be best to read first. Originalfic, heavily influenced by Chuck Palahniuk. There's another 4,000 words of this but I don't think I have enough room in one entry for that much text... Nor you the patience

Comments

[maria_futura]

Nice work. ;)
I'm friending you in hopes of more. Friend me or ignore me as you wish.

[maria_futura]

I take a piss first, making sure I don't flush the toilet and leave the seat up. It's rebellious acts like these that I let myself do. The American patriots were nothing compared to this. The French Revolution was a blood-free, clean affair. Oh, I am so nasty and defiant.

Makes me want to beat his complacent ass like a little girl. This guy has got to snap before the end of this. But I assume that's part of the evolution you're going for (if you've even decided what you're going for yet....)?

"I'm cooking and cleaning."

Come on, Antoine. I need some sympathy. A shoulder to cry on. I'd put those on the same line. With them broken, it makes me think that you've moved on to Antoine's POV

Re:

[eva_c]

*schnoogles madly* Thanks for such a lovely review! I fixed the things you pointed out and it has occured to me how hypocritical a lot of things said and done are with *all* of the characters...

There is character development - I almost think too much of it, too fast. Anyway, eventually I'll post the part where he rants about how we're all going to die and how he doesn't care about the poor, dead chickens. Yeah. :P

Age - I put him down as 31. Does that sound about right?

It really makes you want to just blugeon him to death with a shovel there in the driveway and put him out of his misery.

*dies*

Tidy it up and try to sell it.

Don't even suggest that... It ruins everything for me. Suddenly, I am filled daydreamings of Newsweek interviews. No. No.

[maria_futura]

I really think you did a good job of character development. It doesn't even look like you were trying! It just seemed natural. All my questions and comments were my instant responses as I read through it - I like to get these responses from people for my stuff because people's first reactions tell you a lot. It helps when you know the reader, too, and know what to expect.

As for the age, 31 sounds right, but 24 or 40 also would have too. I was just curious because the age he's at at this point in his life tells a lot about his character without so much actually "telling" us. Also, I'm curious how long he's been married. I think you said, but I can't remember for sure. That'll tell us how long he (and she) have been putting up with all this stuff.

And as for selling, crap, there are a lot of places to sell. Not that I've had any luck, but finishing stuff is a first step. ;) And if you get a paycheck for it, hey, I'm all abou that. :D

(and I changed LJ names in between comments, LOL. -the artist formerly known as

[mioknee]

Oh dear. I would quote the lines that I particuarily loved, but I fear I might run out of space. This is genius, Eva. I'm blown away; I honestly don't know what to say.

Except I love you and your magnificent work.

Re:

[eva_c]

Wibble.

*crawls into corner*

You're being far too nice. Really. :P