Pirates of the Caribbean: Breadbox Edition
Well, it's after 1:30 in the morning, I've had a busy week, I'm real tired, but I'm not in bed. Do you want to know why?
...
BECAUSE THERE'S A LEAK IN MY FREAKIN' CEILING!
That's right, my ceiling is leaking. The front desk called the maintenance person, who took a hour getting here, who came up to my apartment and did...nothing. He said he was going upstairs to see if the apartment above me was flooding, and he would be back if he found something.
This begs the question, what if he doesn't find anything on the floor above me? Will someone come back and tell me this? Will someone tell me what I can do so that I can finally go to bed? I can't go to bed while it's still leaking; someone has to keep emptying the bowls the water is dripping into. THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, PEOPLE?
So, on calm, careful reflection, I decided to spend this time editing a Breadbox Edition. So, for your reading pleasure, here is the Pirates of the Caribbean Breadbox:
(Author’s Note: “Pirates” is not mine. It is Disney’s. Thank goodness this was better than “Country Bears.” Big thanks to Molly, who came to see this with me and didn’t kill me for gesticulating wildly at inappropriate times. Jack Davenport = Norrington; Kevin McNally = Mr. Gibbs. No, I am not changing to character names for this story.)
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
INT. DISNEY STUDIOS
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Mouse Hunt plus The Ring equals…this movie.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Just make sure you blow up things. Lots of things.
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Yes, yes.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Everything!
EXT. THE OCEAN - THE PAST
MINI-KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I have an childish obsession with pirates, and
a lack of appreciation for their heinous deeds.
JACK DAVENPORT
I appreciate their heinous deeds, but cannot
grasp the idea that pirates are men too.
JONATHAN PRYCE
Oh, let’s not talk about pirates. I don’t want
Mini-Keira getting ideas.
KEVIN MCNALLY
I’m here, but you’re just going to forget me.
They find MINI-ORLANDO BLOOM and FLAMING WRECKAGE.
MINI-KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh my, Mini-Orlando has a pirate talisman.
MINI-ORLANDO BLOOM
Hey, don’t touch that.
*passes out*
MINI-KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I better just take this. You know, so Jack doesn’t think he’s
a pirate. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
INT. GOVERNOR’S MANSION - THE PRESENT
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hmm…what an informative dream that was.
She takes out ORLANDO BLOOM’S TALISMAN.
AUDIENCE
What? You still have that?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I still have a childish obsession with pirates, too.
JONATHAN PRYCE
I’ve aged. You can tell because my wig has turned white.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
But, your face…
JONATHAN PRYCE
Never mind that. Here, put on this corset so
you can get out of marrying the man I want you to.
ORLANDO BLOOM shows up.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Look at this lovely sword I made.
JONATHAN PRYCE
Yes, yes. Be sure to compliment your master.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Nobody appreciates me.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I do. Aren’t I beautiful, Orlando?
ORLANDO BLOOM
I love you, but I’m too much of a wuss to say anything.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
That’s okay. I’m a big Legolas fangirl.
JONATHAN PRYCE
Come, come. We must see Jack become more
important. I want Keira to marry him, after all.
EXT. PORT ROYALE
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP shows up looking like the COOLEST PIRATE EVER, and makes the movie’s FUNNIEST GAG.
AUDIENCE
I think I saw that in a Buster Keaton movie once.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Aye, I’m just going to stagger all over the place
and be generally excellent. And steal a boat, savvy?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
He said he’s going to steal a boat, idiot.
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Yawn. I’m just going to take my amazing self over here now.
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
MEANWHILE:
KEIRA KNIGHTLY and JACK DAVENPORT have an awkward moment.
JACK DAVENPORT
I have loved you since you were a small child.
AUDIENCE
That’s…kinda creepy.
JACK DAVENPORT
Yes, I was a young soldier when we first met.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
But, you look exactly the same.
JACK DAVENPORT
Yes, well. My wig is white now, see?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
But…
JACK DAVENPORT
Drop it.
INSTEAD, she drops herself off the side of a CLIFF into the OCEAN.
JOHNNY DEPP
I’ll save the lass! I’m a good man, even if I am a pirate!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP dives after KEIRA KNIGHTLY and saves her LIFE.
PIRATE TALISMAN
I’M OVER HERE!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You have saved me, remarkable pirate man.
JACK DAVENPORT
Boo. I don’t care. Arrest him.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Then I’ll just have to use the girl as a shield.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I am less impressed with you now.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP effects a kickin’ ESCAPE.
JACK DAVENPORT
Shoot him! I don’t care if there are civilians in
the vicinity! My character’s main personality
trait is overriding his basic humanity!
INT. BLACKSMITH SHOP
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Aye, I’m well on my way to being free. Of course,
I have no real way out of the city, as I am hunted,
my ship is swamped, and the fastest ship in the
Navy is in port anyway.
ORLANDO BLOOM
And there’s me, of course.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Ah, yes. The lad who claims to hate pirates,
but has all the skills of one.
ORLANDO BLOOM
You know, Johnny, you’re the only person who
could get away with lurching around like that.
And wearing that much eye makeup. And generally
looking like that. Anyone else would be called
“light in his loafers.”
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Look who’s talking, Mr. “Walks-On-Snow.”
ORLANDO BLOOM
I am not a gay elf!
They FIGHT.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
This is fun, but all that can come of this
is an eternal fight scene. I’ll have to cheat.
ORLANDO BLOOM
That’s not fair.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
No one ever said life was fair.
DRUNKEN GUY knocks him out.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
Well, that wasn’t fair.
JACK DAVENPORT
Now I get to kill another pirate. My day is made.
INT. PEOPLE DOING THINGS
THE MAID
Keira has a crush on Orlando Bloom!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Shut up! I do not!
MEANWHILE:
ORLANDO BLOOM
Nobody appreciates me.
MORE MEANWHILE:
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
I wonder how I’ll get out of this situation.
AUDIENCE
Look! The dog has the keys! That’s from the ride!
Ha ha! I am easily amused!
EVEN MORE MEANWHILE:
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Is it time for the explosions yet? Huh? Huh?
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Yes, Jerry.
BOOM! Many things BLOW UP.
JACK DAVENPORT
More pirates?! The Black Pearl?! ARGH!
PIRATES blow things up, rape, pillage, kill and do your STANDARD PIRATE ACTIVITIES.
SOME PIRATE
Hey, it’s Johnny.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
We have a past? So, there is a plot. That’s interesting.
SOME PIRATE
Blah, we hate you.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Very interesting.
HOW MANY THINGS CAN HAPPEN IN ONE SCENE?:
IDIOT PIRATE #1
C’mon, she must be over here.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…over here.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hmm…they must be after me because I am
the governor’s daughter.
PIRATE TALISMAN
I’M OVER HERE!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Ah-ha! We found you!
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…found you!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I want to talk to your captain!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Why would we let you do that?
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…do that?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Because my life long obsession of pirates has
led to an understanding of their methods.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Dammit.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
Dammit.
IDIOT PIRATES take her to see GEOFFREY RUSH.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarrr?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I want you to leave and not come back.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yar? Yarrrrr?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You will do it because I have the talisman you want.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaaarrrr!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hey, you’re kidnapping me! I thought you people had codes!
I have been blinded by my romantic notion of pirates!
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yarr.
EXT. PORT ROYALE - NEXT DAY
ORLANDO BLOOM
I will do anything to save Keira. Anything.
JACK DAVENPORT
Well, there’s nothing for you to do.
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
Well, you could go see Johnny.
ORLANDO BLOOM
That’s right. He knows the plot, doesn’t he?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Johnny, I will bust you out of prison if you help me
get the woman I’m too chicken to tell I love back.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
And why should I help you, mate?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Because I am also important to the plotline.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Yes, I can exploit you. Let’s make a pirate out of you.
ORLANDO BLOOM breaks CPT. JOHNNY DEPP out of PRISON.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
That’s step one.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP and ORLANDO BLOOM steal SHIP #1.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
That’s step two.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP and ORLANDO BLOOM steal SHIP #2.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
That’s step three.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP and ORLANDO BLOOM annoy the living daylights out of JACK DAVENPORT.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
That’s step four.
ORLANDO BLOOM
How many more steps are there?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Your daddy was a pirate.
ORLANDO BLOOM freaks and then gets over it.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
Right, step five. We’re set now.
EXT. DISNEY WORLD SET
ORLANDO BLOOM
Why are we here?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Kevin McNally is going to find us a crew.
AUDIENCE
Who?
KEVIN MCNALLY
I knew you’d forget me.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
I’ve a plan to get the Black Pearl.
KEVIN MCNALLY
Well, that’s stupid of you.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Well, I’m going to use the lad.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Um…I’m in earshot.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
He’s very important to the plotline.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Right here. Know you’re planning on using me.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
And, he’ll never, ever know.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Hello? Anyone listening?
INT. THE BLACK PEARL
IDIOT PIRATE #1
We’re too laughable to be threatening.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…threatening.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaaarr. Yarrr.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Yes, well. Even your ridiculous pirate stereotype
parody is better than Idiot Pirates #1 and #2.
GEOFFREY RUSH
*offers her an apple*
Yaaaarrrr…?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
So, is the apple symbolic…or just stupid?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaarrr…yaaaarrrrrr.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You’re cursed? By Aztec gold? And this coin talisman will free you?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarr.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
That’s just silly.
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yaaaaaarrrrrrrr.
Turns out, NOT SO SILLY.
EXT. DISNET WORLD SET - THE NEXT DAY
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Ah! We have a crewmember with parrot!
Our pirate movie is complete!
ZOE SALDANA
Hey, you jerk. Remember me?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Who are you? You’re not part of this plotline too, are you?
ZOE SALDANA
No, the casting director noticed a lack of women
in this movie and added me in as another developed
female character.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Developed?
ZOE SALDANA
Look, you want another character female viewers
can relate to or not?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
That’s what we have Orlando for.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Let’s just go before Keira dies, okay?
CUE: SAILING MONTAGE
EXT. THE SCARY ISLAND WITH THE SCARY NAME
ORLANDO BLOOM (cont.)
Whew, thank goodness we got here at nearly
the same time as the evil pirates despite their
having a head start.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Aye, they’re barely ahead of us. Geoffrey should
be making a big speech about now.
INT. TREASURE FILLED CAVES
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarrr! Yaaaaaaaarrrrrrr! Yaaaaaaarrr!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Why is he talking about apples?
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…about apples?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarrr. Yarrrrrrrr!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
If you’re going to kill me, do it quickly.
Don’t bore me to death.
GEOFFREY RUSH cuts her hand and OFFERS HER BLOOD.
GEOFFREY RUSH
…Yarr?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
No, it didn’t work because I’m the wrong person!
GEOFFREY RUSH
YARR!
GEOFFREY RUSH forgets that the problem with MUTINEERS is that you never know when they will mutiny again.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
So…what am I waiting for?
ORLANDO BLOOM
I don’t know, but I have to rescue Keira. And for
all your talk of my stupidity, my plan works pretty well.
ORLANDO BLOOM rescues KEIRA KNIGHTLY and abandons CPT. JOHNNY DEPP. Which is pretty PIRATE-ESQUE thing for him to do.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Hello, Geoffrey. How’s tricks?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarr?! Yaaaarrr.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Oh, you don’t want to kill me. I know who you
need to lift the curse.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaaarr?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Oh, I’m not going to tell you now. You have to give
me the Black Pearl back. Oh, and tell me what your
obsession with apples is about, savvy?
BLACK PEARL chases down the ship with ORLANDO BLOOM and KEIRA KNIGHTLY on it.
ZOE SALDANA
They’re catching up! They are much faster than us!
AUDIENCE
What? Then how did they catch up to the Black
Pearl in the first place? Were the evil pirates not
hastening to lift the curse that damns them for all time?
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
I have the pyrotechnics right here, Gore! Just tell me when!
GEOFFREY RUSH
YAAAAARRRRRRR!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
As I am the only woman of any worth in this story, I
must be all things. Beautiful, clever, resourceful, brave,
refined, knowledgeable, loving, tender…
ZOE SALDANA
Hey!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
And capable of coming up with a plan that’ll almost work.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY comes up with a plan that ALMOST WORKS.
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Okay, Jerry. Now.
BOOM! The SHIPS blow each other up. FIGHTING occurs.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Oh no! I have become trapped below deck. No one
can hear me over Jerry Bruckheimer’s maniacal laughter!
GEOFFREY RUSH and EVIL PIRATES capture the GOOD PIRATES.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Now for the Big One!
The GOOD PIRATE’S SHIP blows up.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh no! Orlando was still on that ship!
ORLANDO BLOOM
No, I’m right here.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
But, how…?
ORLANDO BLOOM
I’m alive, so don’t worry about it. But, I
may kill my self.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaarrr?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Because I am the one you are looking for. I will
trade my life for the life of the crew and the woman
I love. But not Johnny. Screw him.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaahahahahaaarrrr.
GEOFFREY RUSH screws EVERYONE.
EXT. DESERTED ISLAND
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Well, it could be worse. You’re a pretty awesome
pirate, Johnny. You can get us off this island.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Actually…I’m not as great as everyone thinks.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
What is this? “Disillusion Keira Day?”
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
It’s not so bad. I’m still funny. Want to get drunk
and watch me stagger around for awhile?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You do that. I’ll come up with a plan.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
You know, you’re very, very pretty, Keira.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh, you’re much too psycho for me, Johnny.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Right.
*passes out*
KEIRA sets the ISLAND on FIRE and flags down a SHIP with JACK DAVENPORT on it.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Yes! Now we have another ship with which we can save Orlando.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
You’re plan is brilliant, except for the fact that
Jack Davenport will want to kill me again.
JACK DAVENPORT
It is too dangerous to save Orlando. And I
want to kill Johnny again.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’ll marry you if you save my boyfriend.
JACK DAVENPORT
Consider it done.
EXT. THE SCARY ISLAND WITH THE SCARY NAME
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP makes a deal with JACK DAVENPORT that MAY OR MAY NOT be a trap.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
We’re back at the caves. Let’s hope this works.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…this works.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarrr. Yaaaaarrr…
EVIL PIRATES
Skip the speech! Already done this part!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Hello, all. I’m back.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarr?!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Again, you don’t want to kill me because I
know something you don’t know.
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yaarrr…
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Well, Jack is waiting outside to kill you,
so if you become mortal again…
ORLANDO BLOOM
See! You are a traitorous jerk!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
If you give me my ship back, I’ll work for you.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarr! Yaaaaarrrr!
PIRATES go to do your STANDARD PIRATE ACTIVITIES.
MEANWHILE:
JONATHAN PRYCE
Keira, would you mind if I was ridiculous
outside your door for awhile?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Not really, because I’m going to help Orlando now.
AUDIENCE
Okay, where did the boat come from?
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
So why aren’t we doing what Johnny said to do?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
JACK DAVENPORT
Because Johnny is a traitorous jerk.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
This is an obvious, and pretty dumb, distraction.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…dumb distraction.
EVIL PIRATES approach JACK DAVENPORT’S SHIP by walking UNDERWATER. This, combined with the already pretty neat MOONLIGHT SKELETON effect is a GREAT SPECIAL F-X MOMENT.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
In fact, I have no idea why this distraction is
working at all. Why the heck would there be
two ladies in a rowboat on the scary island?
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…scary island?
EVIL PIRATES start to kill people.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Would you stop repeating everything I say?
It’s getting really annoying!
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…really annoying!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
That’s it!
IDIOT PIRATE #1 smacks around IDIOT PIRATE #2.
JACK DAVENPORT
Hey! Those are idiot pirates, not ladies!
EVIL PIRATES kill many, many people.
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
Hey, those idiot pirates are stealing our schtick.
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
Let’s get them!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY frees the GOOD PIRATES, but they leave her to help ORLANDO BLOOM and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP by herself.
KEVIN MCNALLY
We’re still pirates, duh.
INT. TREASURE FILLED CAVES
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarrr. Yarr yarr.
CPT. JOHHNY DEPP
Actually, Geoffrey, it’s you I’m betraying.
They FIGHT.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Oh, what-EVER!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hi, honey. I’m here to save you. Even if I am
marrying another man.
They FIGHT other EVIL PIRATES.
GEOFFREY RUSH stabs CPT. JOHNNY DEPP.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaarrrr!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Oh…oh…wait…I stole a coin too! Now
I’m damned and immortal!
FIGHTING goes on for A WHILE until…
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
This scene is dragging.
*shoots Geoffrey*
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yaaarrrr…
ORLANDO BLOOM and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP return their COINS with a BLOOD DEPOSIT.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarr!
*dies*
SUDDENLY, an APPLE appears out of NOWHERE.
AUDIENCE
Argh! What was that? WHAT’S WITH
THE FREAKIN’ APPLES?!
MEANWHILE:
The CURSE has BROKEN.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Hey, we can die!
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
They can die!
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…die?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
JACK DAVENPORT
Everything is as it should be.
ORLANDO BLOOM, KEIRA KNIGHTLY and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP do not agree.
EXT. PORT ROYALE
JACK DAVENPORT
Finally, I get to kill Johnny Depp!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Captain Johnny Depp, since you’re about to kill me.
POOF! ORLANDO BLOOM spontaneously turns into ERROL FLYNN.
ERROL FLYNN
I shall save you, Johnny!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
*snickers*
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh, Errol Flynn is so dreamy.
ERROL FLYNN
With justice on our side, we shall escape!
ERROL FLYNN and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP get caught.
AUDIENCE
So how exactly was this plan supposed to work, Errol?
Where were you trying to go?
JACK DAVENPORT
Errol Flynn’s ridiculous behavior has convinced me
to be humane. Johnny can go, and Errol can get the girl.
EVERYONE
Huzzah!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Yes, I’m such a wonderful pirate! And you’re just letting me go.
JACK DAVENPORT
Drop it.
INSTEAD, CPT. JOHNNY DEPP drops himself of the side of the CLIFF.
ERROL FLYNN and KEIRA KNIGHTLY have a long LAUGH and a long KISS.
KEVIN MCNALLY
Hello, Johnny. We came back for you, proving we are
good men. Do you think there will be a sequel?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Only if Errol turns back into Orlando.
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Ah! I dreamt I directed a movie based on a
Disney ride! Wait….
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Boom! Hahahahaha! BOOM!
Here's hoping my ceiling stops leaking soon so I can just go to bed. Please.
...
BECAUSE THERE'S A LEAK IN MY FREAKIN' CEILING!
That's right, my ceiling is leaking. The front desk called the maintenance person, who took a hour getting here, who came up to my apartment and did...nothing. He said he was going upstairs to see if the apartment above me was flooding, and he would be back if he found something.
This begs the question, what if he doesn't find anything on the floor above me? Will someone come back and tell me this? Will someone tell me what I can do so that I can finally go to bed? I can't go to bed while it's still leaking; someone has to keep emptying the bowls the water is dripping into. THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, PEOPLE?
So, on calm, careful reflection, I decided to spend this time editing a Breadbox Edition. So, for your reading pleasure, here is the Pirates of the Caribbean Breadbox:
(Author’s Note: “Pirates” is not mine. It is Disney’s. Thank goodness this was better than “Country Bears.” Big thanks to Molly, who came to see this with me and didn’t kill me for gesticulating wildly at inappropriate times. Jack Davenport = Norrington; Kevin McNally = Mr. Gibbs. No, I am not changing to character names for this story.)
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
INT. DISNEY STUDIOS
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Mouse Hunt plus The Ring equals…this movie.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Just make sure you blow up things. Lots of things.
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Yes, yes.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Everything!
EXT. THE OCEAN - THE PAST
MINI-KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I have an childish obsession with pirates, and
a lack of appreciation for their heinous deeds.
JACK DAVENPORT
I appreciate their heinous deeds, but cannot
grasp the idea that pirates are men too.
JONATHAN PRYCE
Oh, let’s not talk about pirates. I don’t want
Mini-Keira getting ideas.
KEVIN MCNALLY
I’m here, but you’re just going to forget me.
They find MINI-ORLANDO BLOOM and FLAMING WRECKAGE.
MINI-KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh my, Mini-Orlando has a pirate talisman.
MINI-ORLANDO BLOOM
Hey, don’t touch that.
*passes out*
MINI-KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I better just take this. You know, so Jack doesn’t think he’s
a pirate. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
INT. GOVERNOR’S MANSION - THE PRESENT
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hmm…what an informative dream that was.
She takes out ORLANDO BLOOM’S TALISMAN.
AUDIENCE
What? You still have that?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I still have a childish obsession with pirates, too.
JONATHAN PRYCE
I’ve aged. You can tell because my wig has turned white.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
But, your face…
JONATHAN PRYCE
Never mind that. Here, put on this corset so
you can get out of marrying the man I want you to.
ORLANDO BLOOM shows up.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Look at this lovely sword I made.
JONATHAN PRYCE
Yes, yes. Be sure to compliment your master.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Nobody appreciates me.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I do. Aren’t I beautiful, Orlando?
ORLANDO BLOOM
I love you, but I’m too much of a wuss to say anything.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
That’s okay. I’m a big Legolas fangirl.
JONATHAN PRYCE
Come, come. We must see Jack become more
important. I want Keira to marry him, after all.
EXT. PORT ROYALE
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP shows up looking like the COOLEST PIRATE EVER, and makes the movie’s FUNNIEST GAG.
AUDIENCE
I think I saw that in a Buster Keaton movie once.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Aye, I’m just going to stagger all over the place
and be generally excellent. And steal a boat, savvy?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
He said he’s going to steal a boat, idiot.
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Yawn. I’m just going to take my amazing self over here now.
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
MEANWHILE:
KEIRA KNIGHTLY and JACK DAVENPORT have an awkward moment.
JACK DAVENPORT
I have loved you since you were a small child.
AUDIENCE
That’s…kinda creepy.
JACK DAVENPORT
Yes, I was a young soldier when we first met.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
But, you look exactly the same.
JACK DAVENPORT
Yes, well. My wig is white now, see?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
But…
JACK DAVENPORT
Drop it.
INSTEAD, she drops herself off the side of a CLIFF into the OCEAN.
JOHNNY DEPP
I’ll save the lass! I’m a good man, even if I am a pirate!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP dives after KEIRA KNIGHTLY and saves her LIFE.
PIRATE TALISMAN
I’M OVER HERE!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You have saved me, remarkable pirate man.
JACK DAVENPORT
Boo. I don’t care. Arrest him.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Then I’ll just have to use the girl as a shield.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I am less impressed with you now.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP effects a kickin’ ESCAPE.
JACK DAVENPORT
Shoot him! I don’t care if there are civilians in
the vicinity! My character’s main personality
trait is overriding his basic humanity!
INT. BLACKSMITH SHOP
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Aye, I’m well on my way to being free. Of course,
I have no real way out of the city, as I am hunted,
my ship is swamped, and the fastest ship in the
Navy is in port anyway.
ORLANDO BLOOM
And there’s me, of course.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Ah, yes. The lad who claims to hate pirates,
but has all the skills of one.
ORLANDO BLOOM
You know, Johnny, you’re the only person who
could get away with lurching around like that.
And wearing that much eye makeup. And generally
looking like that. Anyone else would be called
“light in his loafers.”
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Look who’s talking, Mr. “Walks-On-Snow.”
ORLANDO BLOOM
I am not a gay elf!
They FIGHT.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
This is fun, but all that can come of this
is an eternal fight scene. I’ll have to cheat.
ORLANDO BLOOM
That’s not fair.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
No one ever said life was fair.
DRUNKEN GUY knocks him out.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
Well, that wasn’t fair.
JACK DAVENPORT
Now I get to kill another pirate. My day is made.
INT. PEOPLE DOING THINGS
THE MAID
Keira has a crush on Orlando Bloom!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Shut up! I do not!
MEANWHILE:
ORLANDO BLOOM
Nobody appreciates me.
MORE MEANWHILE:
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
I wonder how I’ll get out of this situation.
AUDIENCE
Look! The dog has the keys! That’s from the ride!
Ha ha! I am easily amused!
EVEN MORE MEANWHILE:
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Is it time for the explosions yet? Huh? Huh?
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Yes, Jerry.
BOOM! Many things BLOW UP.
JACK DAVENPORT
More pirates?! The Black Pearl?! ARGH!
PIRATES blow things up, rape, pillage, kill and do your STANDARD PIRATE ACTIVITIES.
SOME PIRATE
Hey, it’s Johnny.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
We have a past? So, there is a plot. That’s interesting.
SOME PIRATE
Blah, we hate you.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Very interesting.
HOW MANY THINGS CAN HAPPEN IN ONE SCENE?:
IDIOT PIRATE #1
C’mon, she must be over here.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…over here.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hmm…they must be after me because I am
the governor’s daughter.
PIRATE TALISMAN
I’M OVER HERE!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Ah-ha! We found you!
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…found you!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I want to talk to your captain!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Why would we let you do that?
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…do that?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Because my life long obsession of pirates has
led to an understanding of their methods.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Dammit.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
Dammit.
IDIOT PIRATES take her to see GEOFFREY RUSH.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarrr?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I want you to leave and not come back.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yar? Yarrrrr?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You will do it because I have the talisman you want.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaaarrrr!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hey, you’re kidnapping me! I thought you people had codes!
I have been blinded by my romantic notion of pirates!
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yarr.
EXT. PORT ROYALE - NEXT DAY
ORLANDO BLOOM
I will do anything to save Keira. Anything.
JACK DAVENPORT
Well, there’s nothing for you to do.
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
Well, you could go see Johnny.
ORLANDO BLOOM
That’s right. He knows the plot, doesn’t he?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Johnny, I will bust you out of prison if you help me
get the woman I’m too chicken to tell I love back.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
And why should I help you, mate?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Because I am also important to the plotline.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Yes, I can exploit you. Let’s make a pirate out of you.
ORLANDO BLOOM breaks CPT. JOHNNY DEPP out of PRISON.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
That’s step one.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP and ORLANDO BLOOM steal SHIP #1.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
That’s step two.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP and ORLANDO BLOOM steal SHIP #2.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
That’s step three.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP and ORLANDO BLOOM annoy the living daylights out of JACK DAVENPORT.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
That’s step four.
ORLANDO BLOOM
How many more steps are there?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Your daddy was a pirate.
ORLANDO BLOOM freaks and then gets over it.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP (cont.)
Right, step five. We’re set now.
EXT. DISNEY WORLD SET
ORLANDO BLOOM
Why are we here?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Kevin McNally is going to find us a crew.
AUDIENCE
Who?
KEVIN MCNALLY
I knew you’d forget me.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
I’ve a plan to get the Black Pearl.
KEVIN MCNALLY
Well, that’s stupid of you.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Well, I’m going to use the lad.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Um…I’m in earshot.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
He’s very important to the plotline.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Right here. Know you’re planning on using me.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
And, he’ll never, ever know.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Hello? Anyone listening?
INT. THE BLACK PEARL
IDIOT PIRATE #1
We’re too laughable to be threatening.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…threatening.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaaarr. Yarrr.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Yes, well. Even your ridiculous pirate stereotype
parody is better than Idiot Pirates #1 and #2.
GEOFFREY RUSH
*offers her an apple*
Yaaaarrrr…?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
So, is the apple symbolic…or just stupid?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaarrr…yaaaarrrrrr.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You’re cursed? By Aztec gold? And this coin talisman will free you?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarr.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
That’s just silly.
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yaaaaaarrrrrrrr.
Turns out, NOT SO SILLY.
EXT. DISNET WORLD SET - THE NEXT DAY
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Ah! We have a crewmember with parrot!
Our pirate movie is complete!
ZOE SALDANA
Hey, you jerk. Remember me?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Who are you? You’re not part of this plotline too, are you?
ZOE SALDANA
No, the casting director noticed a lack of women
in this movie and added me in as another developed
female character.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Developed?
ZOE SALDANA
Look, you want another character female viewers
can relate to or not?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
That’s what we have Orlando for.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Let’s just go before Keira dies, okay?
CUE: SAILING MONTAGE
EXT. THE SCARY ISLAND WITH THE SCARY NAME
ORLANDO BLOOM (cont.)
Whew, thank goodness we got here at nearly
the same time as the evil pirates despite their
having a head start.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Aye, they’re barely ahead of us. Geoffrey should
be making a big speech about now.
INT. TREASURE FILLED CAVES
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarrr! Yaaaaaaaarrrrrrr! Yaaaaaaarrr!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Why is he talking about apples?
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…about apples?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarrr. Yarrrrrrrr!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
If you’re going to kill me, do it quickly.
Don’t bore me to death.
GEOFFREY RUSH cuts her hand and OFFERS HER BLOOD.
GEOFFREY RUSH
…Yarr?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
No, it didn’t work because I’m the wrong person!
GEOFFREY RUSH
YARR!
GEOFFREY RUSH forgets that the problem with MUTINEERS is that you never know when they will mutiny again.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
So…what am I waiting for?
ORLANDO BLOOM
I don’t know, but I have to rescue Keira. And for
all your talk of my stupidity, my plan works pretty well.
ORLANDO BLOOM rescues KEIRA KNIGHTLY and abandons CPT. JOHNNY DEPP. Which is pretty PIRATE-ESQUE thing for him to do.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Hello, Geoffrey. How’s tricks?
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarr?! Yaaaarrr.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Oh, you don’t want to kill me. I know who you
need to lift the curse.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaaarr?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Oh, I’m not going to tell you now. You have to give
me the Black Pearl back. Oh, and tell me what your
obsession with apples is about, savvy?
BLACK PEARL chases down the ship with ORLANDO BLOOM and KEIRA KNIGHTLY on it.
ZOE SALDANA
They’re catching up! They are much faster than us!
AUDIENCE
What? Then how did they catch up to the Black
Pearl in the first place? Were the evil pirates not
hastening to lift the curse that damns them for all time?
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
I have the pyrotechnics right here, Gore! Just tell me when!
GEOFFREY RUSH
YAAAAARRRRRRR!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
As I am the only woman of any worth in this story, I
must be all things. Beautiful, clever, resourceful, brave,
refined, knowledgeable, loving, tender…
ZOE SALDANA
Hey!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
And capable of coming up with a plan that’ll almost work.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY comes up with a plan that ALMOST WORKS.
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Okay, Jerry. Now.
BOOM! The SHIPS blow each other up. FIGHTING occurs.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Oh no! I have become trapped below deck. No one
can hear me over Jerry Bruckheimer’s maniacal laughter!
GEOFFREY RUSH and EVIL PIRATES capture the GOOD PIRATES.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Now for the Big One!
The GOOD PIRATE’S SHIP blows up.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh no! Orlando was still on that ship!
ORLANDO BLOOM
No, I’m right here.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
But, how…?
ORLANDO BLOOM
I’m alive, so don’t worry about it. But, I
may kill my self.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaarrr?
ORLANDO BLOOM
Because I am the one you are looking for. I will
trade my life for the life of the crew and the woman
I love. But not Johnny. Screw him.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaahahahahaaarrrr.
GEOFFREY RUSH screws EVERYONE.
EXT. DESERTED ISLAND
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Well, it could be worse. You’re a pretty awesome
pirate, Johnny. You can get us off this island.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Actually…I’m not as great as everyone thinks.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
What is this? “Disillusion Keira Day?”
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
It’s not so bad. I’m still funny. Want to get drunk
and watch me stagger around for awhile?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
You do that. I’ll come up with a plan.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
You know, you’re very, very pretty, Keira.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh, you’re much too psycho for me, Johnny.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Right.
*passes out*
KEIRA sets the ISLAND on FIRE and flags down a SHIP with JACK DAVENPORT on it.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Yes! Now we have another ship with which we can save Orlando.
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
You’re plan is brilliant, except for the fact that
Jack Davenport will want to kill me again.
JACK DAVENPORT
It is too dangerous to save Orlando. And I
want to kill Johnny again.
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’ll marry you if you save my boyfriend.
JACK DAVENPORT
Consider it done.
EXT. THE SCARY ISLAND WITH THE SCARY NAME
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP makes a deal with JACK DAVENPORT that MAY OR MAY NOT be a trap.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
We’re back at the caves. Let’s hope this works.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…this works.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarrr. Yaaaaarrr…
EVIL PIRATES
Skip the speech! Already done this part!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Hello, all. I’m back.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarr?!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Again, you don’t want to kill me because I
know something you don’t know.
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yaarrr…
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Well, Jack is waiting outside to kill you,
so if you become mortal again…
ORLANDO BLOOM
See! You are a traitorous jerk!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
If you give me my ship back, I’ll work for you.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarr! Yaaaaarrrr!
PIRATES go to do your STANDARD PIRATE ACTIVITIES.
MEANWHILE:
JONATHAN PRYCE
Keira, would you mind if I was ridiculous
outside your door for awhile?
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Not really, because I’m going to help Orlando now.
AUDIENCE
Okay, where did the boat come from?
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
So why aren’t we doing what Johnny said to do?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
JACK DAVENPORT
Because Johnny is a traitorous jerk.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
This is an obvious, and pretty dumb, distraction.
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…dumb distraction.
EVIL PIRATES approach JACK DAVENPORT’S SHIP by walking UNDERWATER. This, combined with the already pretty neat MOONLIGHT SKELETON effect is a GREAT SPECIAL F-X MOMENT.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
In fact, I have no idea why this distraction is
working at all. Why the heck would there be
two ladies in a rowboat on the scary island?
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…scary island?
EVIL PIRATES start to kill people.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Would you stop repeating everything I say?
It’s getting really annoying!
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…really annoying!
IDIOT PIRATE #1
That’s it!
IDIOT PIRATE #1 smacks around IDIOT PIRATE #2.
JACK DAVENPORT
Hey! Those are idiot pirates, not ladies!
EVIL PIRATES kill many, many people.
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
Hey, those idiot pirates are stealing our schtick.
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
Let’s get them!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY frees the GOOD PIRATES, but they leave her to help ORLANDO BLOOM and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP by herself.
KEVIN MCNALLY
We’re still pirates, duh.
INT. TREASURE FILLED CAVES
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaarrr. Yarr yarr.
CPT. JOHHNY DEPP
Actually, Geoffrey, it’s you I’m betraying.
They FIGHT.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Oh, what-EVER!
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Hi, honey. I’m here to save you. Even if I am
marrying another man.
They FIGHT other EVIL PIRATES.
GEOFFREY RUSH stabs CPT. JOHNNY DEPP.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yaaarrrr!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Oh…oh…wait…I stole a coin too! Now
I’m damned and immortal!
FIGHTING goes on for A WHILE until…
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
This scene is dragging.
*shoots Geoffrey*
GEOFFREY RUSH
*rolling his eyes*
Yaaarrrr…
ORLANDO BLOOM and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP return their COINS with a BLOOD DEPOSIT.
GEOFFREY RUSH
Yarr!
*dies*
SUDDENLY, an APPLE appears out of NOWHERE.
AUDIENCE
Argh! What was that? WHAT’S WITH
THE FREAKIN’ APPLES?!
MEANWHILE:
The CURSE has BROKEN.
IDIOT PIRATE #1
Hey, we can die!
IDIOT SOLDIER #2
They can die!
IDIOT PIRATE #2
…die?
IDIOT SOLDIER #1
What?
JACK DAVENPORT
Everything is as it should be.
ORLANDO BLOOM, KEIRA KNIGHTLY and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP do not agree.
EXT. PORT ROYALE
JACK DAVENPORT
Finally, I get to kill Johnny Depp!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Captain Johnny Depp, since you’re about to kill me.
POOF! ORLANDO BLOOM spontaneously turns into ERROL FLYNN.
ERROL FLYNN
I shall save you, Johnny!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
*snickers*
KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oh, Errol Flynn is so dreamy.
ERROL FLYNN
With justice on our side, we shall escape!
ERROL FLYNN and CPT. JOHNNY DEPP get caught.
AUDIENCE
So how exactly was this plan supposed to work, Errol?
Where were you trying to go?
JACK DAVENPORT
Errol Flynn’s ridiculous behavior has convinced me
to be humane. Johnny can go, and Errol can get the girl.
EVERYONE
Huzzah!
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Yes, I’m such a wonderful pirate! And you’re just letting me go.
JACK DAVENPORT
Drop it.
INSTEAD, CPT. JOHNNY DEPP drops himself of the side of the CLIFF.
ERROL FLYNN and KEIRA KNIGHTLY have a long LAUGH and a long KISS.
KEVIN MCNALLY
Hello, Johnny. We came back for you, proving we are
good men. Do you think there will be a sequel?
CPT. JOHNNY DEPP
Only if Errol turns back into Orlando.
DIRECTOR GORE VERBINSKI
Ah! I dreamt I directed a movie based on a
Disney ride! Wait….
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Boom! Hahahahaha! BOOM!
Here's hoping my ceiling stops leaking soon so I can just go to bed. Please.