To Get a Shot

[eveanyn]

I have decided to throw all caution to the wind and follow my life-long dream of becoming an author. Though I may not be as knowledgeable and amazing as Suze, and though I might not have the amazing editing skills of Red, I am nonetheless passionate about the written word and believe that if Stephanie Meyer can get a book published and loved by

Comments

[clytemnestra215]

Yay writing! I think that's great.

I'll give editorial comments! Let me know if I should stfu.

I could feel bile rise in my throat as she approached and looked away when she took my arm.

Ok, you want to phrase this by mentioning her approach first. The mind likes things in the order they happened and she approaches, which then causes bile to rise. Otherwise the mind glosses over it a bit and doesn't know why; might have to reread it. Or if not that, it just doesn't have the same impact as doing it in order.

Also, you don't want to say you could feel X. That's telling, not showing. Just say bile rose in your throat. Something like:

As she approached me, bile rose in my throat. When she took my arm, I looked away.

Cause, then effect. Cause, then effect.

I made the mistake of glancing at her as her arm moved in towards me.Use as few words as possible to get the point across clearly. Also, try to use "I/he/she/it _____ed X" whenever you can. The mind reads it more directly and clearly than other verbal forms, usually. It I

[eveanyn]

See? This is one of the reasons why you're my friend. I won't change my post now, for others to read the raw copy, but I'll take all of it into consideration for future posts!