Um, this is horrid. But I imagine you'll like it. The last three chapters need some tweaking, it was late and I was tired ;D (Do they say that in the UK? I don't even know where it started) anyway, the dealings with the elves needs to be adjusted. I don't like it. but other than that, there you go! First person I gave the url to.
I find it a bit unbelievable that such a masterful person as Iselseil has been a slave since boyhood. It could work - in some BDSM circles I gather the only way to become a master is to learn by being a slave - but you might want to explain it a bit more.
Also, you're going to hate this but I don't like the name Vewenwythe. It's that first 'w' that irks me. I think maybe you were trying to echo his petulant character at the beginning, but I still don't like it. I do love all the Elvish though. :)
Last three chapters: I think the elf social structure is fine, maybe it just needs more emotional clout. For me about the most emotional point in the whole story is when Iselseil says, "I think I'll keep you." (Tears in eyes, yep :) I think there should be a point at the end where they are nearly separated... maybe the prince is upset enough about his new status to try to leave, and only then does Iselseil explain.
Oh, and fwiw, I certainly wouldn't class this as porn. But the sex scenes are great. :)
You're the awesomest Eve ;) Thanks so much for reading it and giving me critique. I'll run over it and see what I can bear to mess with, especially the parts pointed out in pedantism! Or whatever. I'm afraid I don't remember what that means, even though I believe I chose it for my spelling list in 3rd grade. *giggle* Picky?
I'll try and explain more about Iselseil's own stint in slavery--he IS supposed to be a good deal younger than Vewenwythe, at least five years or so, and so it would be a good deal less time for him to have been serving instead of being served. And I did have that some-circles thing in mind, because I personally admire people that do that. And some of those I already fixed in the .doc just not in the html file, like the "loath" at the beginning.
Anyway, thanks again! :D *dances* You and criada are my best critics.
Pedantism... actually 'pedantry' does indeed mean pickiness, specifically annoying academic pickiness :)
Iselseil is younger than Vewenwythe? That's another stereotype knocked over... two stereotypes in fact (as both elves and doms are traditionally older!) Sheesh, elves get pretty self-assured pretty young, don't they? But that doesn't surprise me, actually... I can imagine a teenage Legolas would be pretty full of it :)
Comments 6
Reply
Reply
I find it a bit unbelievable that such a masterful person as Iselseil has been a slave since boyhood. It could work - in some BDSM circles I gather the only way to become a master is to learn by being a slave - but you might want to explain it a bit more.
Also, you're going to hate this but I don't like the name Vewenwythe. It's that first 'w' that irks me. I think maybe you were trying to echo his petulant character at the beginning, but I still don't like it. I do love all the Elvish though. :)
Last three chapters: I think the elf social structure is fine, maybe it just needs more emotional clout. For me about the most emotional point in the whole story is when Iselseil says, "I think I'll keep you." (Tears in eyes, yep :) I think there should be a point at the end where they are nearly separated... maybe the prince is upset enough about his new status to try to leave, and only then does Iselseil explain.
Oh, and fwiw, I certainly wouldn't class this as porn. But the sex scenes are great. :)
Reply
I'll try and explain more about Iselseil's own stint in slavery--he IS supposed to be a good deal younger than Vewenwythe, at least five years or so, and so it would be a good deal less time for him to have been serving instead of being served. And I did have that some-circles thing in mind, because I personally admire people that do that. And some of those I already fixed in the .doc just not in the html file, like the "loath" at the beginning.
Anyway, thanks again! :D *dances* You and criada are my best critics.
Reply
Pedantism... actually 'pedantry' does indeed mean pickiness, specifically annoying academic pickiness :)
Iselseil is younger than Vewenwythe? That's another stereotype knocked over... two stereotypes in fact (as both elves and doms are traditionally older!) Sheesh, elves get pretty self-assured pretty young, don't they? But that doesn't surprise me, actually... I can imagine a teenage Legolas would be pretty full of it :)
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment