Honesty is the best policy: 4,045 words
Remus tapped his fingers anxiously against the soft cushion of the couch. He could see through the open doorway into the study, where both his parents were relaxing after dinner. The quiet clink of a teacup being placed on a saucer, his father's familiar London accent rising in a question about comma placement, and the smell of the still slightly green logs burning in the fireplace beyond the wall -- it was all comfortable and warm, but Remus couldn't make himself stand up and head into the other room. He stayed in the parlor, biting his lip.
He could, so easily, just go up the stairs and open up the already familiar copy of Hamlet Sirius had gotten for his birthday -- better bone up for the audition, after all, if he decided to do it, and -- or, even better, he could start up his computer and see if Sirius was online. Remus smiled slightly, running a hand through his hair, at the idea that even the possibility of talking to Sirius was better than reading Shakespeare. Not that he could ever admit that to Pads, for fear of the other boy's ego running wild.
But -- he wasn't supposed to be thinking of Sirius right now. Well, sure, Sirius had something of a part in this upcoming confession, but. Remus had to think primarily of himself, of what he wanted to say, of what he needed to tell his parents.
He glanced up at the sound of his mother's laughter. The scene in the next room, he knew, was distinctly, amazingly British. His mum was cozied up under a large blanket emblazoned with her family's tartan, reading a Margaret Atwood book she probably knew by heart. By the fire, his dad sat in an armchair, either poking at the burning logs or reading over an article he was looking to send to be published soon. All that was needed to complete the image was a Scottish terrier curled up by his mum's feet and a pipe sticking out of his father's mouth. Oh, and their son to walk in and announce he was gay.
Remus made himself stand up. He brushed invisible lint off his pants and stuck his head into the room. "Night, Mum and Dad."
His mum looked at the grandfather clock on the wall. "You're going to bed, Remus? It's barely ten."
"Oh, well, I'm going to hop online for a while," he said, already cursing himself for his lack of bravery.
Remus's dad glanced up and nodded quickly before looking back at his papers. "Night, son."
---
Two days later, Remus paused as he put away a now dry plate, his brow furrowing for a moment. Eleanor nudged him with her elbow, her hands encased in yellow rubber gloves and soap suds, as she held out a saucer for her son to dry. "You awake, lad?" she asked, smiling up at her son, who flushed and nodded, taking the clean saucer and running his dish towel over it.
Behind them, Nathan scratched his nose -- the Lupin nose, that was -- as he examined the crossword and sipped absently at cold tea.
Remus shot a belated smile at his mother as he wiped away at the last wet spots on the dish. "Yes, sorry, just -- thought of something, that's all."
"No need for that," Eleanor said, her smile still inquisitive. "You're on hols until September: no thinking allowed." She turned her attention back to the sink in front of her.
They were all there, all three of them, no one doing anything extremely important, just finishing up after breakfast. He wouldn't be interrupting, he wouldn't be drawing their attention away from something necessary. Remus swallowed and tried to keep his cereal down.
"Mum --"
Eleanor answered too quickly, turning with a raised eyebrow. "Yes, sweetie?"
And just like that, Remus deflated and lost all courage. "Are we done?" he blurted out instead.
"Once you dry this!" she said triumphantly, holding out the last, lonely fork, which Remus quickly took and temporarily mummified in his dish towel. "Your dad can do his own dishes." Eleanor slipped her hands out of her rubber gloves and grinned impishly at her husband over her shoulder.
Nathan looked up, blinking in confusion. "What am I doing? The dishes? El, that's a woman's job. Or a son's," he added with a smile for Remus.
Eleanor merely responded with a grinning huff and a wrinkle of her nose, her eyebrows digging in. Remus realized with a fond smile and an aching chest that that expression, right there, was his mum's scrunchy face; it was strange to see it on someone else's face, although he knew his wasn't quite the same as his mum's, but -- the similarity was obvious.
"What?" Nathan asked innocently, holding out his teacup and saucer. "I don't get it."
Remus turned to put the fork away as Eleanor tried to sneak out of the kitchen as Nathan howled, reaching for her, presumably to force her to do clean his dishes. "Woman! Come back here!" he called, but her laughter was already heard down the hall.
Father and son shared an amused smile, although Remus's faltered as Nathan tapped his cup and saucer with his wand, muttering a cleaning spell, as he said loudly, clearly meant for his wife to hear, "Don't marry a strong-willed woman, Remus. Stick with the dumb ones: they're much easier to wrangle."
Eleanor laughed and shouted something back about packing.
---
Third time's a charm, Remus reminded himself. Then he made himself focus on the event at hand, not wondering where exactly that phrase came from -- it might have been Browning, he thought, or maybe because of that hanging law -- but. He was good at charms, too. So that should count for something. He had cast the charm on the fire, so that the smoke went straight up and didn't choke any of them, and had even showed off the charm he and Sirius had put together last spring, something like an invisible mosquito net around a specified area. His dad had been noticeably impressed by that, even asking to see the arithmathic equations behind the spell later.
Did he really want to spoil the evening, though? His mum had suggested spur of the moment that they go star-gazing, what with the night being so clear and warm. Considering how little time they had left before they had to leave, Remus had been surprised when his father agreed to the plan, giving up a night of preparation in favor of -- well, this, whatever it was.
He pulled his mum's blanket tighter around himself, looking up in the sky, mentally tagging all the constellations he knew. There was Sirius, of course, the brightest star in the sky. Remus bit his lip. He wanted to tell his parents. He hated this suffocating silence and these hidden truths. Fine, he actually mostly wanted his mum to know, but clearly Dad had to know, as well, but.
Remus bit his lip hard, thinking of just what to say. He had time, of course, since his mum had ran back to the house to get drinks, but he rather doubted he'd ever have quite enough time, and --
"Here we go!" Eleanor said cheerily, pressing the thermos of hot chocolate into her son's hands before moving to cuddle up next to her husband, who smiled as he received his hot toddy. "Think we'll see any shooting stars tonight?" She craned her neck, sipping her own drink.
"Hard to say, El," Nathan murmured, leaning over to poke at the fire. "They still teach that sort of thing at school, Remus? Any idea?"
"What? Oh, er," Remus said, startled out of his reverie. "Er, no, I'm not sure. Hard to tell, like you said."
Silence lapsed, a familiar and comfortable sort of quiet for the Lupins. Remus leaned back against a rock, looking up at the sky. He'd bring it up after he finished his hot chocolate. That was a good, set time. Right after the last swallow, he'd say --
"Mum? Dad?" Remus said, sitting up a bit, only -- only to realize that they had fallen asleep leaning against each other, dirtied mugs carefully stacked to the side. He sighed quietly and doused the fire with a quick charm -- good at charms, good at waking parents and ushering them into the house, but not good at doing what really needs to be done.
---
Remus hummed under his breath, going back to his room after riding his bike downtown for an afternoon. Everything was set up for his parents' leaving for the summer, he had talked to both his bosses, they seemed extremely amiable and willing to give him a flexible schedule, and -- well, everything was set. Except -- three days to go, and he hadn't spoken to his parents yet about, well. The thing.
It was stupid. Remus had felt extremely comfortable with his sexuality, not batting an eye at outing himself to random strangers, to mentioning his boyfriend, even to holding hands with Sirius in public (well, okay, he had struggled with that last one a little, but it was all relative). And this, because of this past week, he almost felt back in the place he had been before Sirius had dragged the truth out of him. He should go online and reassure himself, somehow, it was okay to be gay, as cliche as it sounded; talk to Duffy, perhaps, or just read JP's blog.
As he walked toward his room, he passed the open door to his parent's bedroom. His mum was kneeling behind his dad, who was poking at some book with his wand. Eleanor's mouth was filled with pins as she worked at raising the hem of Nathan's pants, one leg of the khakis already being cut and sewn by a self-propelled thread and needle. Nathan's toes wiggled on the floral carpet; Remus recognized those thin legs as the very ones he walked on every day. They were almost ready to go. Most of their gear and suitcases had already been shipped over. They were going to Portkey into north Africa in three days, and it was amazingly clear to Remus that both were dying to go.
He -- had to do this.
Remus knocked on the door jamb, stepping slightly into the room proper. "Hey, Mum? Dad? You two have a minute?"
Nathan looked up, frowning slightly. "As long as I don't have to move, Remus. Your mum's already stabbed me with enough pins."
"What's the matter, darling?" Eleanor said, glancing up at Remus with a sharp smile of needles.
"Um. I don't know, there might be moving involved," he said quietly, moving further into the room. "I wanted to talk to you guys about something before you left for the summer."
His mum sat back on her heels, putting a few more pins into Nathan's pants and then, carefully removing the pins from her mouth, looked attentively over at Remus. Nathan, for his part, kept poking at the book with his wand for a moment, just glancing at Remus from time to time. Remus -- stood there for a moment, then sat on his parents' bed and tried not to throw up.
"Um," he started. Remus licked his lips, sure they could hear his heart pounding.
"Remus, what is it?" Nathan carefully turned around, still holding his wand, but leaving the book on the side table behind him.
"I'm gay," Remus blurted out, staring up with wide eyes at his father.
Only after a long moment did he risk looking down at his mum, but both his parents had the same expression: confused shock.
Silence grew, and not the comfortable sort that had defined the night before, but something painful and harsh. Remus grimaced, feeling like he was definitely going to vomit.
"Sorry, I'll -- I'll go, I just -- I wanted to tell you before you go, you see, it." Remus made to stand up, but promptly realized his legs weren't working and so he sat heavily back onto the bed, trying to look away from his parents but feeling rather unable to.
"Oh, honey," Eleanor finally breathed.
Nathan was frozen in place, staring at Remus.
"Thank -- thank you for telling us, Remus," Eleanor said, pushing herself up and moving to sit next to Remus, putting a firm arm around his shoulders.
He wasn't able to relax into her, though, and just sat there awkwardly, looking and feeling pained. He vaguely remembered there were specific things he was supposed to say, points he was supposed to make, details to include, but right now all he could do was focus on breathing. Remus memorized the design on the carpet, tracing the line of faded green, counting the number of strands woven into each knot of pink. The quiet seemed to last for an hour, although objectively he realized it was closer to a minute.
"But -- you're so young," Nathan finally said, crossing his arms over his chest. Eleanor squeezed Remus's shoulders.
Remus winced, looking up at his dad's -- chest, not quite able to make it up to meet his gaze. "That -- doesn't even make sense. You knew you were straight by my age, didn't you?" His voice was quiet, breathy, and he felt his stomach loudly disagree with his efforts to talk.
"Well, yes, but -- that's different."
Eleanor spoke up, giving her husband a quick look, "How -- long have you known for, then, Remus?"
Her voice sounded odd, a little distant, and Remus hated that. He ducked his head down again, looking at his hands, clasped awkwardly in his lap. His jeans were starting to get a hole in the right knee. He ought to charm that closed later, so he could wear them for longer. Remus wanted some tea.
"About -- a few years, I suppose," he admitted slowly. A few years of lying to his parents. He had never had to tell them anything like this, never had to sit down and break horrible news to them -- really, the situation had always been reversed, painful news coming from the top down. Now, in less than a week, the Potions grade, and now this. Revealing himself to be a fake, a failure, a -- fag.
Eleanor rubbed Remus's shoulders softly. Out of the corner of his eyes, Remus could see his mum look pleadingly up at her husband, for guidance or words or something. He felt horrible for putting all of them in this awful, awkward position. Another long silence grew. Remus guessed his parents were both thinking and overthinking what to say, just as he was. He tried to console himself and focus on the fact that he knew his parents were smart. They wouldn't try to convince him that he didn't know what he was talking about, or think he was going to hell -- not for the first time, he felt grateful that neither of them were very religious -- but that didn't mean they would understand, that they would just accept it, that they'd be fine with him being gay.
"Why now, then?" his dad asked.
Remus looked up, furrowing his brows in confused surprise, actually meeting his dad's gaze. "Um -- what?"
"Why tell us now, if you've known for so long? How does one know these things, anyway? Have you tried -- not to be?" Nathan looked bewildered as he rubbed his chin roughly with one hand, looking down at the carpet, away from Remus.
Eleanor sat up straight, "Nathan! He -- doesn't have to try not to be, he just is gay, and he's our son. Don't even say such things!"
Remus winced, even as he felt a rush of desperate, grateful love for his mum. Nathan murmured, "Yes, well, it would be easier, wouldn't it?"
Remus bent over suddenly, hiding his head in his hands, elbows digging into his knees. "You think I don't know that? A gay werewolf, what else can I bring down on myself? But I -- I am, Dad. I'm gay. I know I'm gay, and there's nothing to do about it, if I even wanted there to be."
"Right, I know, lad," Nathan said quickly. "But -- I thought you liked that Evans girl a few years back."
Remus almost laughed into his hands. "I thought I did too, okay? But -- I don't know. I'm gay. I'm queer, I'm a fag, I'm a homosexual, whatever you want to call it."
"Don't talk about yourself like that," Eleanor scolded. "It doesn't matter! Well, of course it does," she corrected herself. "But we don't need any more details than you want to give us." Remus could tell by her tone that she was giving Nathan a pointed look. "I'm just glad you told us, honey. I'm sure it was tough."
Remus nodded, about to say something before Nathan spoke up again.
"No, I do need details! Why now, Remus? What have you done?"
His back stiffening, Remus lowered his hands a bit and craned his neck to look up at his father, quite a forbidding figure from this angle. "Wh-what? I haven't done anything! I just -- I wanted to tell you! It's -- " Nathan's skeptical look shot Remus right through to his marrow. "I haven't done anything! Why should I have done something?"
"Nathan, let's just be grateful Remus felt comfortable telling us at all. Don't grill the boy," Eleanor said, her calm hand on Remus's neck in severe disagreement with the demanding tone in her voice.
"Not all of us can be so accepting of -- news like this, Eleanor!" Nathan shot back, dropping his hands and flexing them at his sides. "Remus, talk to me. What's going on." It wasn't a question.
Remus felt lost. This -- wasn't how it was supposed to go. Anger, yes, maybe, confusion, certainly, but -- he hadn't prepared for this. "I haven't done anything! I wanted to tell you, okay, I wanted to tell you now, because I'm in love with my boyfriend and I wanted you to be happy for me."
Shit. That -- he wasn't supposed to mention the boyfriend bit.
Even his mum seemed to stiffen at that, almost pulling her hand away for a moment. And then, again, it was Eleanor who asked the question, since Nathan seemed too upset and confused to really say anything. "You have a boyfriend? My, you're -- rather diving headfirst into this thing, aren't you?"
"Mum! I-- what do you even mean? Were you just diving into the whole heterosexual thing when you decided to first date a boy? Of course I am, I'm gay! You -- can't really rather that I date some girls first, just to try it out, even though I know I'm not interested in them. It -- what?" Remus knew he was starting to ramble, his voice shooting up an octave or two, but he -- he hadn't been prepared for this, they didn't understand, why didn't they understand, it wasn't that odd, it --
"Remus, you -- can't just date someone," Nathan said, his own voice admiringly, irritatingly even. "With your condition, you have to be very careful of such attachments."
He stood up then, stepping away from both his mum's quiet hand and his father's stiff, bare feet. "My condition? Since when did we start dancing around the issue? I'm -- yes, I'm a werewolf, but what does that have to do with love? Just because of that -- that bill, just because I might not be able to get married, that doesn't mean I can't love!"
"We're not talking about that -- and stop referring to it as love, Remus. It's just infatuation. How long have you been dating this lad, anyway? Who is he?" Nathan crossed his arms again, the line of his shoulders tense.
"Dad, you -- you can't declare it isn't love, you don't know anything about it, you just learned about it two minutes ago! I'm in love with him, okay?" Remus let out a huffy breath, feeling like his legs were going to collapse, like his lungs weren't working, like his vision was going dark.
"You didn't answer my questions."
Remus looked over at his mum, whose hands were clasped her lap as she mercilessly worried her bottom lip between her teeth. She met his gaze steadily, but didn't look about to steer her husband away from his current line of questioning.
Swallowing, Remus looked back at his dad, who raised an eyebrow expectantly. Well, in -- he had already ruined everything, so why not go all in?
"It's Sirius Black. And he knows that I'm a werewolf and loves me anyway, so fuck you." Why did he swear, oh Merlin, he just swore at his father, he just told his father to -- to fuck off, holy shit, oh Merlin. Remus was sure his shock was written plain as day on his face, especially considering the pure confusion writ across Nathan's expression. Maybe it -- maybe since he had said so many bad things before telling his father to fuck off, it'd be okay, ignored, it'd --
"Do not use that sort of language in this house, Remus Jonathan Lupin." Eleanor stood up, frowning at her son. "That is completely uncalled for."
It wasn't ignored, and it was even worse that his mum called him out on it, his mum. Remus winced, screwing his eyes tight and ducking his head. "Sorry. Sorry, Dad, I didn't mean --"
"He knows you're a werewolf? How the hell did this happen? Remus, that isn't safe, you can't just go about telling everyone you meet on the street. What were you thinking?"
"That isn't the point, that isn't how it happened, he's known for a while, he's fine with it because he's smart, he knows I'm still the same person, he cares about me, but -- all I -- I just wanted to tell you both before you left," Remus said weakly, raising his hands in quiet supplication.
Nathan let out a huffy laugh. "Before we left? You think we can leave now, not knowing what sort of -- tomfoolery," he said dismissively, "Might go on in the house while we're gone? Does he think he can be here and help you through the moon? Does he even begin to understand the serious nature of this?"
"Nathan, of course we're still going on the trip," Eleanor said softly, placing a hand on her husband's arm. "Calm down. We don't need to grill Remus. The important thing is -- Remus felt comfortable enough to tell us about this. And that's important. Remus, thank you. Honey, I am glad that you -- that you have a boyfriend who makes you so happy. That's great. Sirius did seem extremely excited to see you earlier this week. The rest of it... we can discuss later."
"I'd rather finish our discussion now," his dad said, his tone tough and gravelly.
Remus's shoulders slumped, glancing up at his father. He -- all he wanted to do was tell them that he was gay, and now this -- it --
"No," Eleanor said. "We're done for now. Remus, I love you." She smiled fondly at her son, stepping between Nathan and Remus and holding out her hands for a hug. Remus gratefully and obediently stepped into the embrace, wrapping his arms snugly around his mum's small waist. She kissed his cheek, whispering in his ear, "Thank you, sweetie." Remus had done rather well in the crying section of the test until then, but when he pulled away from the hug a couple of moments later, he was rather sure he had left Eleanor's shoulder slightly damp.
Nathan met Remus's gaze, their hazel eyes meeting in a strange mix of confused, angry hurt. "Go to your room," Nathan finally said, his voice almost drained of anger.
Remus resisted the urge to question whether or not he was honestly being punished for being gay, but instead just -- he nodded, closing his eyes against the pain, and left their room, closing the door quietly behind himself.