my secert part 1
Maybe this is still to soon to talk about, but hopfully I won't get the dreaded Live Journal Jynix.
Ok yeh this will be long. I'm mostly writing this for my own personal expression... hm oh well.. anyways..
Ever since I was little, like maybe 6 or 7, I remember not wanting to be in Maine when I was older. I used to tell my family that I was going to move to Colorado. Not sure why it was Colorado since I had never been there, but later on it changed to California then to Florida, then when I was 18 it was anywhere but Maine. I also remember I had this list of things I wrote down in a notebook stating all the dreams/goals I had for my future. Moving out of Maine was high up on that list, next to falling in love and getting married. I'm pretty sure that list was thrown out when i was 14-15, so who knows what else was on there. Now by the time I was 18, I had applied to several colleges, all of them being either in Florida, Alabama, and Hawaii for good measure. I was accepted to a couple in Florida, and Hawaii, I was just one step closer to meeting my first goal! but then we all know what happens from there, Alex came into the picture. So instead of doing the out of state college thing I decided that I was in love with Alex and couldn't bare to go away. So yeh I stayed in Maine, and continued to force myself to somewhat enjoy it, Then after a year or so I moved to New Hampshire.. WEEEE!! I got out of Maine, but it still was cold New England, I still wanted to move somewhere warm, but becuase I loved Alex, and he flat out refused to go anywhere south of New Hampshire, I felt very trapped, it made me misrable pretty much all the time, basicly all my emotions towards him shut off, so I started to displace myself from the situation, and went back home to Maine every weekend, until finally it couldn't work out, and the relationship ended. blah blahhhh, Upon moving back to Maine, I thought well maybe this will be better, I won't be tied down in a relationship and I can do what I want, and hopefully save up and move away. Well things were great, except the emptry feeling I had, then that one summer night during a moment of weakness I had, when I went to a show in Boston with Alex, I broke down in the car, and told him how much I loved him, and wanted to be with him. But really looking back on that I should have just been strong and just kept on with the way things were, because honestly that year and half or whatever it was that was back togather was hell. I basicly gave up everything in my life, to run down to New Hampshire every free moment I had, to be with the most self centered person ever. All the time, it was all about him, and what he wanted to do, and where he wanted to go, In just the couple months that we had been broken up for he changed into the most bitter misreable person, well maybe not, only towards me really. But it was him saying that I was just to antisocial, and to much of a bitch, hmm I wonder why?? gee. oh so I'm glad things ended, maybe the could have ended on a better note, but they didn't and so what who cares. All that matters is that life has a strange way of making everything turn out just perfect. I bet if all that shit that happened in the past didnt happen the way did, I would have never found the greatest person for me to share my life with, I can honestly say I am a much happier person now, that I actually living here in Austin, Tx(thank you so much Lauren for talking me into moving down here, I just wish we could hang out more!) I thank god everyday that Bill came into my life, and that he is here with me. I love our relationship, he treats me so good. Since living togather our love has grown so much, and everyday still is, its just so comforting to know that I have someone that is willing to actually do anything for me/us. I know in the past I felt like I was in love almost to the point where I could have been married to that person, but wow, thats a scary scary thought now. But with Bill, when I think about the future I see him as beeing my husbend someday, its really hard to think of anything without him there. So as things have been progressing with us we decided it was time, to start planning ahead and thinking about what we both want in the future.. so this leads me to part two...