TV time...
And now, another episode of that I didn't have to watch thanks to Dave Barry. Thanks Dave!
24
In our last episode, the entire United States faced the imminent threat of massive widespread death from boredom because the episode consisted of huge amounts of talking and almost no shooting. Most of the talking involved this tedious and irritating China subplot that we never really understood and that we hope will go away.
The only real action came at the very end, when Jack Bauer FINALLY caught up with the Evil Genius Terror Mastermind Home Depot Shopper Marwan. Jack shot Marwan in the arm, which tells you how excited he was. Usually he shoots people in the thigh.
In response to being shot, Marwan only smiled, and for a good reason: He has excellent teeth. Also, he knew that it was too late to stop the launch of the nuclear missile from Iowa (official nickname: "The Rogue Nuclear State").
So now there's a missile is on its way to an unknown destination on the East Coast, and the question is: Will it land in a major city and cause untold devastation? Or will it explode harmlessly in downtown Atlantic City?
Meanwhile Acting U.S. President Manilow (code name "Soaking Drawers") remains hunkered in his bunker, leaving the nation in the hands of Acting Acting President AllState Insurance. We have reason to believe, based on last week's previews, that Secretary of Defense William Devane will reappear this week, along with his whiny terrorist-sympathizer son, Subplot Devane.
Secretary Devane's other whiny annoying subplot offspring, Audrey, appears to have, after grieving non-stop for approximately 45 seconds, gotten over the death of her estranged annoying subplot husband Paul. Audrey appears to be having Feelings for Jack again, which opens up the possibility that Chloe, who also appears to have Feelings for Jack, will shred Audrey with a machine gun, though that's probably too much to hope for.
Anyway, it stands to reason that, since the nuclear missile went up last week, it pretty much has to come down this week, unless it's one of those really slow coal-powered missiles. So in tonight's episode we can expect to see a lot of frantic computer-tapping as the folks at CTU try to figure out how they can divert the missile to some place where Jack can shoot it it in the thigh.
Will they be able to do this in time? Will Jack have no choice but to interrogate Marwan by removing his genitals with toenail clippers? Will Marwan develop Feelings for Jack? Will the Ford Tent Event still be going on? Will Edgar be recalled to his home planet? And if they're bringing back Secretary Devane, what about Terror Boy and Terror Mom? Why haven't we seen them lately? What is their subplot, chopped liver?
These are the questions on our minds as tonight's episode begins. All we can do at this point is watch, and hope, and ask ourselves, as concerned Americans who care deeply about the future of our nation in these turbulent times, what else is on.
Update: They need a new ending to Nanny 911. It's the same every week.
Update: There had better be some Graphic Violence.
Update: It's an "S" series cruise missile! That's a fine missile.
Update: They're going to save Congress! The FOOLS!!
Update: Nobody dispatches a team like Chloe.
Update: Graphic violence! Marwan got AWAY.
Update: Seriously, how can Marwan be so much better organized than the entire United States government? No, never mind, stupid question.
Update: This must be a really hard-to-find missile.
Update: "It's a difficult day for all of us, Don." Har.
Update: (Paraphrasing here:) "It's funny, but just this morning Audrey and Jack were planning their future. Now he's responsible for her husband's death, and he may have to torture her brother."
Update: Will somebody PLEASE JUST SHOOT AUDREY???
Update: Doesn't everybody seem awfully calm considering that THERE IS A FREAKING NUCLEAR MISSILE ON THE WAY???
Update: Ford is having a Big Truck Throwdown.
Update: Commenter Stormy Dragon advises us that the reason we don't see Terror Mom any more is that she got shot in the head.
Update: Richard is such a baby.
Update: Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Update: This is the lamest cabinet meeting ever.
Update: Michelle can't spend another day without Tony. Puke-o-RAMA.
Update: Audrey HAS to have pictures of Fox executives naked with sheep.
Update: Jack has the schematic and the approach parameters.
Update: This is a reaaaaaaaaaaaally slow missile. I think people will be able to escape it on foot.
Update: Jack is in.
Update: The Hot Terrorist Babe is mean. But hot.
Update: Another flawless Jack-Bauer-style operation!
24
In our last episode, the entire United States faced the imminent threat of massive widespread death from boredom because the episode consisted of huge amounts of talking and almost no shooting. Most of the talking involved this tedious and irritating China subplot that we never really understood and that we hope will go away.
The only real action came at the very end, when Jack Bauer FINALLY caught up with the Evil Genius Terror Mastermind Home Depot Shopper Marwan. Jack shot Marwan in the arm, which tells you how excited he was. Usually he shoots people in the thigh.
In response to being shot, Marwan only smiled, and for a good reason: He has excellent teeth. Also, he knew that it was too late to stop the launch of the nuclear missile from Iowa (official nickname: "The Rogue Nuclear State").
So now there's a missile is on its way to an unknown destination on the East Coast, and the question is: Will it land in a major city and cause untold devastation? Or will it explode harmlessly in downtown Atlantic City?
Meanwhile Acting U.S. President Manilow (code name "Soaking Drawers") remains hunkered in his bunker, leaving the nation in the hands of Acting Acting President AllState Insurance. We have reason to believe, based on last week's previews, that Secretary of Defense William Devane will reappear this week, along with his whiny terrorist-sympathizer son, Subplot Devane.
Secretary Devane's other whiny annoying subplot offspring, Audrey, appears to have, after grieving non-stop for approximately 45 seconds, gotten over the death of her estranged annoying subplot husband Paul. Audrey appears to be having Feelings for Jack again, which opens up the possibility that Chloe, who also appears to have Feelings for Jack, will shred Audrey with a machine gun, though that's probably too much to hope for.
Anyway, it stands to reason that, since the nuclear missile went up last week, it pretty much has to come down this week, unless it's one of those really slow coal-powered missiles. So in tonight's episode we can expect to see a lot of frantic computer-tapping as the folks at CTU try to figure out how they can divert the missile to some place where Jack can shoot it it in the thigh.
Will they be able to do this in time? Will Jack have no choice but to interrogate Marwan by removing his genitals with toenail clippers? Will Marwan develop Feelings for Jack? Will the Ford Tent Event still be going on? Will Edgar be recalled to his home planet? And if they're bringing back Secretary Devane, what about Terror Boy and Terror Mom? Why haven't we seen them lately? What is their subplot, chopped liver?
These are the questions on our minds as tonight's episode begins. All we can do at this point is watch, and hope, and ask ourselves, as concerned Americans who care deeply about the future of our nation in these turbulent times, what else is on.
Update: They need a new ending to Nanny 911. It's the same every week.
Update: There had better be some Graphic Violence.
Update: It's an "S" series cruise missile! That's a fine missile.
Update: They're going to save Congress! The FOOLS!!
Update: Nobody dispatches a team like Chloe.
Update: Graphic violence! Marwan got AWAY.
Update: Seriously, how can Marwan be so much better organized than the entire United States government? No, never mind, stupid question.
Update: This must be a really hard-to-find missile.
Update: "It's a difficult day for all of us, Don." Har.
Update: (Paraphrasing here:) "It's funny, but just this morning Audrey and Jack were planning their future. Now he's responsible for her husband's death, and he may have to torture her brother."
Update: Will somebody PLEASE JUST SHOOT AUDREY???
Update: Doesn't everybody seem awfully calm considering that THERE IS A FREAKING NUCLEAR MISSILE ON THE WAY???
Update: Ford is having a Big Truck Throwdown.
Update: Commenter Stormy Dragon advises us that the reason we don't see Terror Mom any more is that she got shot in the head.
Update: Richard is such a baby.
Update: Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Update: This is the lamest cabinet meeting ever.
Update: Michelle can't spend another day without Tony. Puke-o-RAMA.
Update: Audrey HAS to have pictures of Fox executives naked with sheep.
Update: Jack has the schematic and the approach parameters.
Update: This is a reaaaaaaaaaaaally slow missile. I think people will be able to escape it on foot.
Update: Jack is in.
Update: The Hot Terrorist Babe is mean. But hot.
Update: Another flawless Jack-Bauer-style operation!