Reflections on a Life Changed Highway: The Interwebs 2.4
Title: Reflections on a Life Changed
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: The Interwebs 2.4
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors:
michelleann68and
evila_elf=
evila_ann
Prompt: 17. Different coclaim100
Word Count: 1511
Rating: PG
Summary: Robert thinks about Gabby and Alan in a collection of Journal entries.
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous Part:
Reflections on a Life Changed
September 9th, 2006
DD;
The one thing that I have told myself that I will never do is happening again...I am falling in love with a man. I met him several months ago at a party with Hugh and Stephen. There was something I saw in his eyes that first night when he touched me. We didn’t have sex, but he gave me the blow-job of a lifetime. And we ended up sleeping the rest of the night together, wrapped up in each other’s arms.
I keep getting flashes back to how things had first started with Trent. This seems different somehow. I feel safe. We have been e-mailing each other for awhile now, and I have gotten to know him pretty well. I keep waiting for the axe to fall--this just seems too good to be true! Too perfect.
This could be the start to something wonderful, or something horrible. But how am I to tell them apart? Should I trust my instincts that tell me to grab onto this man and never let him leave my heart? Am I more mature now than when I was at 24?
I ache to know the answers to my questions. I almost went to a fortune teller to have my future read, but that would be silly. No one knows all the answers. I guess I will just have to stick to my guns and find out…
October 20th, 2006
DD;
I am so confused right now. Alan has been occupying my thoughts more and more. I think about the brief time we had spent together and all the feelings rush right back. I certainly was not in my right mind in Las Vegas, I let things get out of hand, but if I have to be honest, it was well worth it. When I go over the entire evening, I remember that I felt happy and taken care of. Something that has not happened in a very long time. His gentleness was surprising and, since going around and asking all of his previous lovers if this is what it will always be like is out of the question, I am stuck, stuck wondering if he really felt something for me, or if I was just another person to keep warm with at night.
Certainly his behavior since that night makes me think that he feels something as well…but it’s frightening to me. I really thought I would need more time to heal, to put the past behind me, but talking over e-mail has been good for me. I get the impression it has been good for both of us.
I guess my problem at this point is that he is so different from me. We really don’t have many hobbies or general interests in common, so I guess the attraction confuses me. But when I start to think on it more, I am struck with how similar we are.
We are both youngest children who feel more comfortable putting on a costume and assuming an identity than we are with letting our true selves be exposed to scrutiny. We both value our privacy almost to a fault and are slow to reveal great chunks of what makes us tick. Neither of us buys into the whole fame-game and we would be just as happy to have our niche growing and performing within it. Is it enough of a foundation to build something real? To build something that lasts? I thought I had that with Gabby, but I could never give her all of who I am.
The last thing I really need is to find someone as neurotic as I am to fall for. He is certainly a grounded person and he has this openness in the sense that he just accepts me and is not pushing me to make any decisions that I am not ready for, but I worry that he will not wait for as long as I need. I don’t want him to end up another Gabby, leaving me because I was never ready to commit.
It is times like this I wish I was on the set more often, then I could be distracted and not dwell on how different we are and how much the fear overtakes me at times. I know I need to be willing to be hurt and open up to really give this relationship a go, but I am not sure what that involves.
I need to do what is right for me and not get lost in who I think he wants me to be, and that is always my challenge: not become the boyfriend that Alan wants, but to be myself and find ways past our differences to be a whole person who happens to want to share a part of my life with him.
November 23rd, 2006
DD;
I decided to tell my family that I could not head back to visit them this Thanksgiving, assuring them that I would be able to make it for Christmas. I really am not sure what is wrong with me right now. I want to see my family and catch up since we don’t see each other near enough, but I am so sick that lately, every time we talk, they bring up Gabby. It is as though they think that I will magically get over all of my problems and we will get back together.
Is it so hard to tell them that it is not going to happen and have them listen to me? Gabby has moved on, even if I have not yet found the ability to completely move past my shortcomings and issues that drove her to finally call my bluff. For 12 years I had found various ways to lie to her, to lie to myself. I never expected to find a great love. I had never been willing to take the risks that would allow that to happen. So I had went through the motions, doing what was expected and making the first steps towards settling down.
In some ways, her breaking up with me mirrored the coldness that the relationship had grown to over the last few years. We slowing became these two planets orbiting the relationship and never engaging in it. She flew out for the end of season party just as we had planned. After the party we went back to my place and I saw she was all packed. I asked her if she was leaving so soon and she just looked at me, her eyes glassy and said, "This is not working, I am tired of waiting you. First it was a more established career, then it was enough money to support me, and now you want to wait till you can settle back in NY so we can live in the same city. Robert, I love you, and I always will love parts of you, but I can't be with someone who is not willing to totally commit to me. I know you care about me, but now there is not enough between us to make this work anymore. I wish you the best of luck and I would prefer if you give me a few months before calling me." She took her ring off and laid it on the table, turned and walked out of my life. It felt like a punch to the gut and I have no idea how I had never seen it coming. I realize now that it was my inability to take the next step, the paralyzing fear that destroyed the relationship
I have not talked to Gabby since, but my mother has. The breakup I think was hardest on her and she laments that the glimmer of the possibility of grandchildren is gone. My mother wants me to tell her what is wrong, what happened, to explain how this relationship fell apart. She won't understand.
Now I am stuck with the Alan question, and what does this all mean to me. He certainly shoved me out of my comfort zone and pushed me into someplace entirely uncomfortable. But, I am still here; I did not shatter or break. I survived and I actually want more. When I woke up and remembered what happened, I was embarrassed, not sure what to do. It had been over a decade since I ended up in what was essentially a stranger’s bed, and I felt out of my element. And yet, when I looked down at his sleeping form, I wanted to touch him and recreate what we had, and that scared me even more. I still want to touch him, but I can’t.
If this ever becomes something more, then I don’t want to fall into the same pattern. But I am not sure how not to. I try not to be, but underneath it all, I am a coward. Alan needs to make some sort of a first move, prove to me that we can be different. I need that. I want that.
Next Part
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: The Interwebs 2.4
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors:
michelleann68and
evila_elf=
evila_ann
Prompt: 17. Different coclaim100
Word Count: 1511
Rating: PG
Summary: Robert thinks about Gabby and Alan in a collection of Journal entries.
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous Part:
Reflections on a Life Changed
September 9th, 2006
DD;
The one thing that I have told myself that I will never do is happening again...I am falling in love with a man. I met him several months ago at a party with Hugh and Stephen. There was something I saw in his eyes that first night when he touched me. We didn’t have sex, but he gave me the blow-job of a lifetime. And we ended up sleeping the rest of the night together, wrapped up in each other’s arms.
I keep getting flashes back to how things had first started with Trent. This seems different somehow. I feel safe. We have been e-mailing each other for awhile now, and I have gotten to know him pretty well. I keep waiting for the axe to fall--this just seems too good to be true! Too perfect.
This could be the start to something wonderful, or something horrible. But how am I to tell them apart? Should I trust my instincts that tell me to grab onto this man and never let him leave my heart? Am I more mature now than when I was at 24?
I ache to know the answers to my questions. I almost went to a fortune teller to have my future read, but that would be silly. No one knows all the answers. I guess I will just have to stick to my guns and find out…
October 20th, 2006
DD;
I am so confused right now. Alan has been occupying my thoughts more and more. I think about the brief time we had spent together and all the feelings rush right back. I certainly was not in my right mind in Las Vegas, I let things get out of hand, but if I have to be honest, it was well worth it. When I go over the entire evening, I remember that I felt happy and taken care of. Something that has not happened in a very long time. His gentleness was surprising and, since going around and asking all of his previous lovers if this is what it will always be like is out of the question, I am stuck, stuck wondering if he really felt something for me, or if I was just another person to keep warm with at night.
Certainly his behavior since that night makes me think that he feels something as well…but it’s frightening to me. I really thought I would need more time to heal, to put the past behind me, but talking over e-mail has been good for me. I get the impression it has been good for both of us.
I guess my problem at this point is that he is so different from me. We really don’t have many hobbies or general interests in common, so I guess the attraction confuses me. But when I start to think on it more, I am struck with how similar we are.
We are both youngest children who feel more comfortable putting on a costume and assuming an identity than we are with letting our true selves be exposed to scrutiny. We both value our privacy almost to a fault and are slow to reveal great chunks of what makes us tick. Neither of us buys into the whole fame-game and we would be just as happy to have our niche growing and performing within it. Is it enough of a foundation to build something real? To build something that lasts? I thought I had that with Gabby, but I could never give her all of who I am.
The last thing I really need is to find someone as neurotic as I am to fall for. He is certainly a grounded person and he has this openness in the sense that he just accepts me and is not pushing me to make any decisions that I am not ready for, but I worry that he will not wait for as long as I need. I don’t want him to end up another Gabby, leaving me because I was never ready to commit.
It is times like this I wish I was on the set more often, then I could be distracted and not dwell on how different we are and how much the fear overtakes me at times. I know I need to be willing to be hurt and open up to really give this relationship a go, but I am not sure what that involves.
I need to do what is right for me and not get lost in who I think he wants me to be, and that is always my challenge: not become the boyfriend that Alan wants, but to be myself and find ways past our differences to be a whole person who happens to want to share a part of my life with him.
November 23rd, 2006
DD;
I decided to tell my family that I could not head back to visit them this Thanksgiving, assuring them that I would be able to make it for Christmas. I really am not sure what is wrong with me right now. I want to see my family and catch up since we don’t see each other near enough, but I am so sick that lately, every time we talk, they bring up Gabby. It is as though they think that I will magically get over all of my problems and we will get back together.
Is it so hard to tell them that it is not going to happen and have them listen to me? Gabby has moved on, even if I have not yet found the ability to completely move past my shortcomings and issues that drove her to finally call my bluff. For 12 years I had found various ways to lie to her, to lie to myself. I never expected to find a great love. I had never been willing to take the risks that would allow that to happen. So I had went through the motions, doing what was expected and making the first steps towards settling down.
In some ways, her breaking up with me mirrored the coldness that the relationship had grown to over the last few years. We slowing became these two planets orbiting the relationship and never engaging in it. She flew out for the end of season party just as we had planned. After the party we went back to my place and I saw she was all packed. I asked her if she was leaving so soon and she just looked at me, her eyes glassy and said, "This is not working, I am tired of waiting you. First it was a more established career, then it was enough money to support me, and now you want to wait till you can settle back in NY so we can live in the same city. Robert, I love you, and I always will love parts of you, but I can't be with someone who is not willing to totally commit to me. I know you care about me, but now there is not enough between us to make this work anymore. I wish you the best of luck and I would prefer if you give me a few months before calling me." She took her ring off and laid it on the table, turned and walked out of my life. It felt like a punch to the gut and I have no idea how I had never seen it coming. I realize now that it was my inability to take the next step, the paralyzing fear that destroyed the relationship
I have not talked to Gabby since, but my mother has. The breakup I think was hardest on her and she laments that the glimmer of the possibility of grandchildren is gone. My mother wants me to tell her what is wrong, what happened, to explain how this relationship fell apart. She won't understand.
Now I am stuck with the Alan question, and what does this all mean to me. He certainly shoved me out of my comfort zone and pushed me into someplace entirely uncomfortable. But, I am still here; I did not shatter or break. I survived and I actually want more. When I woke up and remembered what happened, I was embarrassed, not sure what to do. It had been over a decade since I ended up in what was essentially a stranger’s bed, and I felt out of my element. And yet, when I looked down at his sleeping form, I wanted to touch him and recreate what we had, and that scared me even more. I still want to touch him, but I can’t.
If this ever becomes something more, then I don’t want to fall into the same pattern. But I am not sure how not to. I try not to be, but underneath it all, I am a coward. Alan needs to make some sort of a first move, prove to me that we can be different. I need that. I want that.
Next Part