A Resolve Renewed 4.2
Title: A Resolve Renewed
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: Airwaves 4.2
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: 26 Interest
Word Count: 1402
Rating: PG
Summary: Robert reflects on Alan’s visit.
Author's Notes:
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous Story
Comforting Conversations
1/5/07
DD;
Five days ago, I got the biggest surprise of my life: Alan decided to fly all the way here to New York for a visit! I have to admit I was shocked. All this time I had been wanting to see him, and I had just stood there like an idiot! But that awkwardness is, thankfully, in the past now. I can’t believe he has gone back home. Just got a call from him last night, to let me know he had arrived safely. I could close my eyes and imagine he was sitting next to me, whispering in my ear…
I had a nice time-
Nice time? Robert set his down his pen and frowned down at the small journal. Wonderful time? Stupendous time? All were true, but there were no words to describe what he and Alan had shared. He leaned back in his chair, arms behind his head, thinking. A small smile tugged at his lips as he remembered what was branded into his memory: Alan, face shrouded in shadows, laying next to him in bed that first night, both of them terrified of doing something wrong; Alan with his stocking cap and pink nose as they braved the weather for a walk in the park; Alan asleep, curls damp and face flushed, exhausted; A quiet morning, neither needing to talk, just enjoying the other’s company; Alan, head thrown back in passion, gasping, arching; The passionate kiss goodbye…
How? How can it be possible?
Words seem inadequate to describe the feelings between us, Robert finally wrote. So was he going to make an attempt at expressing his feelings, wishes, desires? He took a breath and picked up his pen.
I care for him so much and I wish that he were here next to me. Five months until I can visit him. Five months until I can hold him. Five months until I can tell him face to face how much he means to me.
My head is spinning, and I no longer really know what to think. Every thing about Alan has turned my perception of relationships upside down and I have no idea what is true anymore. I would never expect my life to look like it does now and I think if I am to be completely honest, there are parts of me not ready to accept this, to appreciate how lucky I am to have someone care for me, no matter who it is.
Parts of me still want to find the girl and settle down, but I fear that kind of thinking is just settling for something. The growing part of me wants something miraculous and magical, wants something that is better then I can conceive of, something that completes me.
People ask if I have moved on past Gabby and past the life I had created with her, and I think I really finally have. But when I say that or write that, suddenly I have this fear that grips my soul. There are so many reasons why I should just walk away, call it off, stop what has started. But then there is one reason why I don’t. I do not want to.
Simple words that cause me to doubt my rationality.
If I were to make a list of what I want in a partner, I guess I can’t say wife anymore. A guy was never part of the equation. Someone who lives a world away would not be on that list either. But none of that matters. Not now.
I knew there was an attraction there, back in July. At that point I had dismissed it as a passing fancy, a one time thing. Not really what I normally do, but something that I needed after the break up. To get me back in the saddle so to speak.
But he didn’t fade way, he did not vanish, and I could not move on. In abstract, the five months later were wonderful, something secret, something that I could have to myself, no one had to know, and I frankly did not want to share it. It was between Alan and I, and I looked forward to every word we shared. I was touched by him without touching.
Of course, as I am finding out, Alan is one for the dramatic at times, while I go through life making it as small as possible, Alan likes to do the grand gestures, he likes to push while I have always just accepted and moved along. His visit knocked me for a loop and I was not sure what to think.
I wanted to test this and see if it was real, or maybe just a fantasy that I could use to prevent me from moving forward, moving to true intimacy. But Alan would not let me sit back; he rushed full on into me and into my life. I have to admit I was overwhelmed and scared.
Scared of how I would define myself.
Alan is patient, and I guess I’m not sure why. I appreciate it, and I need it. I feel like a total fool that I ruined our first attempt at sex. I just froze. Memories I had long since buried flooded back and I was paralyzed. I honestly thought he would walk out, but I underestimated him. He is a wonderful person, just a good human being, how could I not fall in love with someone like this? I thought I lost him when I had bolted from the room, fear gripping me and bile rising in my throat, but Alan was there to sooth me, to talk me back into this world, his touches restoring me.
Any fear I had vanished the next morning in Central Park. It was just a perfect day, to show Alan what I am about, what I love and to see the affection in his eyes, and to see how much he liked getting to know me. It was a day not about the physical, and maybe that is why it was so nice. It was just perfect. I wanted to spend all day out taking him around my city and just doing normal day to day things. There is something reassuring about it and something that made me want Alan even more.
The night we first made love, I will admit I was a nervous wreck. I had thought I was ready, and part of me really wanted that connection. I was surprised when Alan turned the tables on me. Once again he was thinking of my needs, not just of his.
When we lay there in the afterglow, something in me shifted. I wanted this thing between us and I was struck with the fear of him leaving in the morning. I wanted to give us a few more days, more moments to knit us together, to strengthen our delicate relationship.
Walking out the door, I felt lost, not knowing when we would reconnect. I tried to be happy for the moments and tried to remember that I believed in him and in our relationship. It was the longest seven hours of my life. I never expected Alan to call me, I thought he would collapse when he arrived home, all thoughts of my worry out of his head. He surprised me yet again. He called, not even to talk about anything, just to hear my voice.
I should be ashamed at how much I needed that call, but I am not. I am falling in love and now, I don’t want to stop. I want this and I will fight for it and I will protect it, defend it even. Five months, and then we will snatch a few more days of contact, a few more days for us to connect, to show him how much I love him.
Soon I return to the craziness of LA, and the plastic veneer that coats everyone’s lives. I am happy that I took a risk, that I put aside my fear and let something real into my life.
Robert smiled as he added the last period. He trailed his fingers fondly over the page before closing the journal. With a sigh, he tucked the journal into the side pocket of one of his traveling bags and stood, ready to head to the airport and back to life in LA.
Next: Kissing 101
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: Airwaves 4.2
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: 26 Interest
Word Count: 1402
Rating: PG
Summary: Robert reflects on Alan’s visit.
Author's Notes:
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous Story
Comforting Conversations
1/5/07
DD;
Five days ago, I got the biggest surprise of my life: Alan decided to fly all the way here to New York for a visit! I have to admit I was shocked. All this time I had been wanting to see him, and I had just stood there like an idiot! But that awkwardness is, thankfully, in the past now. I can’t believe he has gone back home. Just got a call from him last night, to let me know he had arrived safely. I could close my eyes and imagine he was sitting next to me, whispering in my ear…
I had a nice time-
Nice time? Robert set his down his pen and frowned down at the small journal. Wonderful time? Stupendous time? All were true, but there were no words to describe what he and Alan had shared. He leaned back in his chair, arms behind his head, thinking. A small smile tugged at his lips as he remembered what was branded into his memory: Alan, face shrouded in shadows, laying next to him in bed that first night, both of them terrified of doing something wrong; Alan with his stocking cap and pink nose as they braved the weather for a walk in the park; Alan asleep, curls damp and face flushed, exhausted; A quiet morning, neither needing to talk, just enjoying the other’s company; Alan, head thrown back in passion, gasping, arching; The passionate kiss goodbye…
How? How can it be possible?
Words seem inadequate to describe the feelings between us, Robert finally wrote. So was he going to make an attempt at expressing his feelings, wishes, desires? He took a breath and picked up his pen.
I care for him so much and I wish that he were here next to me. Five months until I can visit him. Five months until I can hold him. Five months until I can tell him face to face how much he means to me.
My head is spinning, and I no longer really know what to think. Every thing about Alan has turned my perception of relationships upside down and I have no idea what is true anymore. I would never expect my life to look like it does now and I think if I am to be completely honest, there are parts of me not ready to accept this, to appreciate how lucky I am to have someone care for me, no matter who it is.
Parts of me still want to find the girl and settle down, but I fear that kind of thinking is just settling for something. The growing part of me wants something miraculous and magical, wants something that is better then I can conceive of, something that completes me.
People ask if I have moved on past Gabby and past the life I had created with her, and I think I really finally have. But when I say that or write that, suddenly I have this fear that grips my soul. There are so many reasons why I should just walk away, call it off, stop what has started. But then there is one reason why I don’t. I do not want to.
Simple words that cause me to doubt my rationality.
If I were to make a list of what I want in a partner, I guess I can’t say wife anymore. A guy was never part of the equation. Someone who lives a world away would not be on that list either. But none of that matters. Not now.
I knew there was an attraction there, back in July. At that point I had dismissed it as a passing fancy, a one time thing. Not really what I normally do, but something that I needed after the break up. To get me back in the saddle so to speak.
But he didn’t fade way, he did not vanish, and I could not move on. In abstract, the five months later were wonderful, something secret, something that I could have to myself, no one had to know, and I frankly did not want to share it. It was between Alan and I, and I looked forward to every word we shared. I was touched by him without touching.
Of course, as I am finding out, Alan is one for the dramatic at times, while I go through life making it as small as possible, Alan likes to do the grand gestures, he likes to push while I have always just accepted and moved along. His visit knocked me for a loop and I was not sure what to think.
I wanted to test this and see if it was real, or maybe just a fantasy that I could use to prevent me from moving forward, moving to true intimacy. But Alan would not let me sit back; he rushed full on into me and into my life. I have to admit I was overwhelmed and scared.
Scared of how I would define myself.
Alan is patient, and I guess I’m not sure why. I appreciate it, and I need it. I feel like a total fool that I ruined our first attempt at sex. I just froze. Memories I had long since buried flooded back and I was paralyzed. I honestly thought he would walk out, but I underestimated him. He is a wonderful person, just a good human being, how could I not fall in love with someone like this? I thought I lost him when I had bolted from the room, fear gripping me and bile rising in my throat, but Alan was there to sooth me, to talk me back into this world, his touches restoring me.
Any fear I had vanished the next morning in Central Park. It was just a perfect day, to show Alan what I am about, what I love and to see the affection in his eyes, and to see how much he liked getting to know me. It was a day not about the physical, and maybe that is why it was so nice. It was just perfect. I wanted to spend all day out taking him around my city and just doing normal day to day things. There is something reassuring about it and something that made me want Alan even more.
The night we first made love, I will admit I was a nervous wreck. I had thought I was ready, and part of me really wanted that connection. I was surprised when Alan turned the tables on me. Once again he was thinking of my needs, not just of his.
When we lay there in the afterglow, something in me shifted. I wanted this thing between us and I was struck with the fear of him leaving in the morning. I wanted to give us a few more days, more moments to knit us together, to strengthen our delicate relationship.
Walking out the door, I felt lost, not knowing when we would reconnect. I tried to be happy for the moments and tried to remember that I believed in him and in our relationship. It was the longest seven hours of my life. I never expected Alan to call me, I thought he would collapse when he arrived home, all thoughts of my worry out of his head. He surprised me yet again. He called, not even to talk about anything, just to hear my voice.
I should be ashamed at how much I needed that call, but I am not. I am falling in love and now, I don’t want to stop. I want this and I will fight for it and I will protect it, defend it even. Five months, and then we will snatch a few more days of contact, a few more days for us to connect, to show him how much I love him.
Soon I return to the craziness of LA, and the plastic veneer that coats everyone’s lives. I am happy that I took a risk, that I put aside my fear and let something real into my life.
Robert smiled as he added the last period. He trailed his fingers fondly over the page before closing the journal. With a sigh, he tucked the journal into the side pocket of one of his traveling bags and stood, ready to head to the airport and back to life in LA.
Next: Kissing 101