I don't wanna go back

[evilgenius_nnl]

For the first time since I started teaching, I am dreading my return to campus this year. I had such a traumatizing and frustrating experience with so many aspects of my job this past Spring that whenever I even think about starting up again, my stomach turns. I've been writing my syllabus over the last few days and that has helped me feel slightly

Comments

[ginoushka]

Oh, Naima. I'm really sorry that you're going through this -- both the "not wanting to go back" part and the "feeling self-conscious and frustrated and fail-y" part. For what it's worth: I can't imagine you being anything less than a stellar professor.

And I know that you actually know all of this, but it seems worth saying out loud just the same: The many failures of the academy and academic bureaucracy -- esp. for people of color and women and queers and working-class folks -- are not *your* fault or *your* failures. *You* are not failing -- not at all. You are actually working incredibly hard within a pretty fucked-up and broken system. Feeling sad and rough and unmotivated and burnt out sometimes sounds like a pretty damn legitimate and understandable response to that stress.

<3

[ginoushka]

Hey Gina,
I appreciate you saying all of that. I do feel able to recognize all the ways that academia is designed to fuck me over, even as someone who grew up (sort of) within it. My father was an academic who "did everything right" and he still got completely fucked over by the system in the end. I felt like I was going into this with my eyes wide open, and yet here I am feeling so burnt and bitter and frustrated.

As I watch my elders, particularly other people of color, I realize the alarming frequency with which they are GONE even if they've managed to make it to elder status. As in, if they've managed to not get fired at an early stage in their careers, they are sick, dying young, totally burnt out, totally and utterly bitter... It is not in the least bit surprising, but also really disheartening.

Sigh.