posing in a bikini next to a lamborghini
Today, a list of things that annoy me. Are you on this list? You'll just have to
I've gotta have more cowbell!
Want to affirm your status as a drunk, backwards-baseball-hat wearing, loud, unoriginal, boring, shallow, college-age douchebag who can only identify himself as an individual by repeating lines from a SNL skit that wasn't funny in the first place? Try shouting "I've gotta have more cowbell!" ELLL OHHHH ELLSS.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was funny for about 20 minutes when Conan had the Walker: Texas Ranger Clip Lever. Nowadays people just yell "CHUCK NORRIS" and something about knocking out, kicking, or killing someone. Handy dandy Chuck Norris humor guide:
Not funny: Charles Martel defeated the arabian forces at the Battle of Tours in 732, stopping thier advance into Europe.
Funny: LOLZ CHUCK NORRIS DEFEATED THE ARABS AT TOURS AND ON THE SIXTH DAY CHUCK NORRIS CREATED GOD!!!!! JUMPKICKS.
The point of no return for me was seeing a YouTub video called "Chuck Norris in Oblivion". Get this. The movie is a shirtless dude - CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! and he lives in a house full of unconcious people. BECAUSE HE KNOCKED THEM OUT BECAUSE HE'S CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll give you a few minutes to recover from the hilaaaaaaarity contained therein.
Snakes on a plane!
This sums it up better than I ever could:
Chapelle's Show
I don't know, maybe it's just that every time I happen to see this show, it's a terrible sketch in a normally hilarious program. But so far here's what
I've seen:
Dave doing a quiz show called "How well do I know black people?" Look. this white dude knows that pimpin' ain't easy! Ho, a white guy said it! Better hold your stomach to keep it from BURSTING! With laughter.
Dave stomping around a fake town as "Blackzilla". Hey, remember Godzilla movies? When people talked, the english dub did not match thier lip movements! Isn't that hilarious? Watch as I make this joke for another five minutes.
PS: A giant black man must have a GIANT BLACK PENIS!!!! Can he say that on TV?!?!?!!!?!?!?
Dave going around with John Meyer. See, WHITE people like guitar music. But when he plays in a black barbershop, a guy says "Shut the fuck up!" Because BLACK people like DRUM music!!!!!!!!!!!! So if you're black and you like guitars, or are Hendrix, knock it off. Also, white people and black people are diffrent! If this show had made it to season 3, I looked forward to a demonstration on how white people be all driving like THIS, and black people be driving like THIS!!!!!!! IT's true, we're so lame.
Old people who call me at work and have no idea what they're doing
OK, check this page out. I'll wait. Go to http://www.excelsior.edu and click either the "MyEC" or "Login" button in the upper right. See the login page you come to? Say you need a username and password for the site and you don't have one. Would you:
A.) Type random shit into the username and password fields, then call tech support and complain that "your website is broken!"
B.) Move your eyes two inches to the right and click on the "Create a Free MyEC User Account Now!" If you answered A, congratulations! You are a prime cantidate to attend our college.
My inability to get to the 95 console games I have waiting for my attention and instead spending hours playing arena mode in Metal Gear Acid 2, giggling as the computer players step on claymores and are hit by my remote control rockets.
Title kinda sums that one up.
My total inability to skip "9 to 5" when it comes up on my playlist
Stumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition, yawn and stretch and try to come to life - jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin', out on the streets the traffic starts jumpin' and folks like me on the job nine to fi -Uh, sorry.
Also, don't miss this hilarious song also called 9 to 5. Sample lyrics: "U da ones dat made me huge / like Katie Price's boobs". Also, "Oh shit, I'm in FHM". Ha ha! Havn't we all been there.
Finally, my last major annoyance today -
AND YOU!
Yes, yes. Now you kids get off my lawn.
I've gotta have more cowbell!
Want to affirm your status as a drunk, backwards-baseball-hat wearing, loud, unoriginal, boring, shallow, college-age douchebag who can only identify himself as an individual by repeating lines from a SNL skit that wasn't funny in the first place? Try shouting "I've gotta have more cowbell!" ELLL OHHHH ELLSS.
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was funny for about 20 minutes when Conan had the Walker: Texas Ranger Clip Lever. Nowadays people just yell "CHUCK NORRIS" and something about knocking out, kicking, or killing someone. Handy dandy Chuck Norris humor guide:
Not funny: Charles Martel defeated the arabian forces at the Battle of Tours in 732, stopping thier advance into Europe.
Funny: LOLZ CHUCK NORRIS DEFEATED THE ARABS AT TOURS AND ON THE SIXTH DAY CHUCK NORRIS CREATED GOD!!!!! JUMPKICKS.
The point of no return for me was seeing a YouTub video called "Chuck Norris in Oblivion". Get this. The movie is a shirtless dude - CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! and he lives in a house full of unconcious people. BECAUSE HE KNOCKED THEM OUT BECAUSE HE'S CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll give you a few minutes to recover from the hilaaaaaaarity contained therein.
Snakes on a plane!
This sums it up better than I ever could:
Chapelle's Show
I don't know, maybe it's just that every time I happen to see this show, it's a terrible sketch in a normally hilarious program. But so far here's what
I've seen:
Dave doing a quiz show called "How well do I know black people?" Look. this white dude knows that pimpin' ain't easy! Ho, a white guy said it! Better hold your stomach to keep it from BURSTING! With laughter.
Dave stomping around a fake town as "Blackzilla". Hey, remember Godzilla movies? When people talked, the english dub did not match thier lip movements! Isn't that hilarious? Watch as I make this joke for another five minutes.
PS: A giant black man must have a GIANT BLACK PENIS!!!! Can he say that on TV?!?!?!!!?!?!?
Dave going around with John Meyer. See, WHITE people like guitar music. But when he plays in a black barbershop, a guy says "Shut the fuck up!" Because BLACK people like DRUM music!!!!!!!!!!!! So if you're black and you like guitars, or are Hendrix, knock it off. Also, white people and black people are diffrent! If this show had made it to season 3, I looked forward to a demonstration on how white people be all driving like THIS, and black people be driving like THIS!!!!!!! IT's true, we're so lame.
Old people who call me at work and have no idea what they're doing
OK, check this page out. I'll wait. Go to http://www.excelsior.edu and click either the "MyEC" or "Login" button in the upper right. See the login page you come to? Say you need a username and password for the site and you don't have one. Would you:
A.) Type random shit into the username and password fields, then call tech support and complain that "your website is broken!"
B.) Move your eyes two inches to the right and click on the "Create a Free MyEC User Account Now!" If you answered A, congratulations! You are a prime cantidate to attend our college.
My inability to get to the 95 console games I have waiting for my attention and instead spending hours playing arena mode in Metal Gear Acid 2, giggling as the computer players step on claymores and are hit by my remote control rockets.
Title kinda sums that one up.
My total inability to skip "9 to 5" when it comes up on my playlist
Stumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition, yawn and stretch and try to come to life - jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin', out on the streets the traffic starts jumpin' and folks like me on the job nine to fi -Uh, sorry.
Also, don't miss this hilarious song also called 9 to 5. Sample lyrics: "U da ones dat made me huge / like Katie Price's boobs". Also, "Oh shit, I'm in FHM". Ha ha! Havn't we all been there.
Finally, my last major annoyance today -
AND YOU!
Yes, yes. Now you kids get off my lawn.