can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
so it has been over two years now since i have posted in my livejournal. i am two years older, two years wiser, and have two more years experience with bad relationships. after having been out of the loop for this long and having the past two years to keep completely and totally to myself, i feel comfortable delving into the void that is livejournal once again. so lets catch up. in the past two years i have...
turned 21.
moved to tulsa.
gotten engaged.
gotten unengaged.
found my sanity.
become almost shy.
become almost prude.
learned to value myself more.
met a lot of new people.
found someone i truly care about.
decided to join the national guard.
anyway, im sure a lot more has happened in the past two years... at least i hope thats not it... how sad if it was. i think reading back through my last few livejournal entries is what made me realize that i may have finally found my sanity. either that, or i just have no emotion whatsoever anymore, which to some people may be the same thing as sanity. emotional and insane seem to be two words that are interchanged quite often. but reading through those entries also made me want to write again. i used to have some style, some sass, some eloquence that i think has been fading over the years. i still put effort into speaking correctly most of the time and presenting myself in an intelligent manner but i think the metaphores and creativity that i used to incorporate so much into my writing (and therefore the way i spoke) have dwindled from lack of composition. so maybe writing in this thing again will be good for me. or maybe i will just get pulled back into the drama of wondering, "oh my god i wonder if he has read that yet? i hope he has... wait, no, i hope he hasnt. i think ill just delete it now so he never sees it." but i honestly dont think im the kind of person to have those thoughts anymore. and even if i was, i live in tulsa now, and no one here knows i even have a livejournal, and actually no one here really seems to create half the drama people seem to in norman. life here is very job oriented. for everyone i think. i know it is for me anyway. but even so, i miss norman from time to time. i think reading through my old entries made me remember that i did have some fun times there. i did have some good friends there. maybe i still do, im not entirely sure. that's one thing i dont think about anymore, here, whether so and so is still my friend even though i had a falling out with so and so. my friends here are my friends, and thats all there is to it, regardless of who im dating and how our relationship is going. i know i have grown up a lot. i know i have. and i think the thing that i wonder about now is how me now would get along with my then friends. like the guys and the guys house and if any of them still think about me or miss me or want me to stop by when im in town. i tried calling one of them when i was in town last and think i just embarrassed myself more because i had had a lot to drink that day... he wont talk to me at all now. and that makes me sad, cause i do remember the times i had with those boys and i miss them. anyway, i think im also thinking a lot about norman lately cause i am headed home for a certain eggnog social next week and i think im gonna stay a couple days this time. i usually just jet up there for a day then come home that night, but i think i might just stay awhile this time. i also talked to a few people who also dont live in norman anymore and found out when they are coming home so i may go back again at the end of december. i have spent new years eve at the same place for the past four years... it seems like i almost have to try to be there again this year. i dont even know if anyone still has me on their friends list after this long, but i guess we shall see. so, for now, im back. and i missed you guys.
turned 21.
moved to tulsa.
gotten engaged.
gotten unengaged.
found my sanity.
become almost shy.
become almost prude.
learned to value myself more.
met a lot of new people.
found someone i truly care about.
decided to join the national guard.
anyway, im sure a lot more has happened in the past two years... at least i hope thats not it... how sad if it was. i think reading back through my last few livejournal entries is what made me realize that i may have finally found my sanity. either that, or i just have no emotion whatsoever anymore, which to some people may be the same thing as sanity. emotional and insane seem to be two words that are interchanged quite often. but reading through those entries also made me want to write again. i used to have some style, some sass, some eloquence that i think has been fading over the years. i still put effort into speaking correctly most of the time and presenting myself in an intelligent manner but i think the metaphores and creativity that i used to incorporate so much into my writing (and therefore the way i spoke) have dwindled from lack of composition. so maybe writing in this thing again will be good for me. or maybe i will just get pulled back into the drama of wondering, "oh my god i wonder if he has read that yet? i hope he has... wait, no, i hope he hasnt. i think ill just delete it now so he never sees it." but i honestly dont think im the kind of person to have those thoughts anymore. and even if i was, i live in tulsa now, and no one here knows i even have a livejournal, and actually no one here really seems to create half the drama people seem to in norman. life here is very job oriented. for everyone i think. i know it is for me anyway. but even so, i miss norman from time to time. i think reading through my old entries made me remember that i did have some fun times there. i did have some good friends there. maybe i still do, im not entirely sure. that's one thing i dont think about anymore, here, whether so and so is still my friend even though i had a falling out with so and so. my friends here are my friends, and thats all there is to it, regardless of who im dating and how our relationship is going. i know i have grown up a lot. i know i have. and i think the thing that i wonder about now is how me now would get along with my then friends. like the guys and the guys house and if any of them still think about me or miss me or want me to stop by when im in town. i tried calling one of them when i was in town last and think i just embarrassed myself more because i had had a lot to drink that day... he wont talk to me at all now. and that makes me sad, cause i do remember the times i had with those boys and i miss them. anyway, i think im also thinking a lot about norman lately cause i am headed home for a certain eggnog social next week and i think im gonna stay a couple days this time. i usually just jet up there for a day then come home that night, but i think i might just stay awhile this time. i also talked to a few people who also dont live in norman anymore and found out when they are coming home so i may go back again at the end of december. i have spent new years eve at the same place for the past four years... it seems like i almost have to try to be there again this year. i dont even know if anyone still has me on their friends list after this long, but i guess we shall see. so, for now, im back. and i missed you guys.