we're going down, down in an earlier round
i think i might have a crush. its a weird crush. but despite my efforts not to, i have been thinking about him quite often the past few days. im a dork. and i know itll never happen, or if i really even want anything to happen, but i do like thinking about it in my head i guess, cause im a dork. i think he kinda reminds me of charles, who was like the storm after the calm, if you will. he was the fling after the intense, serious relationship. i think that is what i may be looking for again.
there is this other guy, my room mate's best friend, who i have been dating occassionally as well. he is not my type whatsoever, but he pays attention to me from time to time, and says nice things to me. i have yet to even really kiss him, and we have been on like 6 or so dates now. weird? i think so. if the physical isnt there then the relationship is merely friendly, if you ask me. but i let him pay for dinner pretty often.
but the thing is, i want someone to cuddle with from time to time, and maybe someone to go get coffee, or see a movie, but as far as being seriously involved with someone, i'd just rather not right now. im fine being single, im actually kind of enjoying it i think, and i know after what ive been through with sean, i just cant bring myself to settle anymore. im not gonna date someone cause i think its what they want and im lonely. im gonna date someone now because i am infatuated with them, because we click so well all i dream of doing is making them happy, and hopefully them-me. im gonna have to really want it. cause im at the point now where i just kinda dont care.
i think reading through some of my past lj entries made me realize how void of emotion i am lately, or now, depending on if it ever ends. i was once so intrigued by someone that i treasured each moment we spent together. i wanted more than anything to make things perfect between us. that just wasnt meant to be, but since then i just havent been quite the same. like i said in a recent entry, i feel like i have discovered my sanity, which is very true. i do honestly believe i had a severe chemical imbalance at one point in my life, but i also feel like i am better. i am rational, i am calm. and i am also less emotional. meaning i am less likely to jump to crazy conclusions, but also i think that i am less likely to fall in love, or feel for someone with the intensity that i think i once did.
its funny how much of that relationship i have put behind me. i dont even remember half the things i wrote about once. in one entry i even wrote "i will never forget the way he looked right at that moment," which of course i totally forgot. i do miss it though. i know i am overall happier now than i was then, since i do feel more sane. but i miss feeling that much. i miss wanting someone that much. i miss knowing that they wanted me sometimes. i miss falling in love.
ive been in this place many times in the past. i am just waiting now. i know something is coming, i can feel it beginning to happen. i can sense that it is important, but i dont know what it is or when its coming or where it will take place. but i think to myself almost everyday that i am excited to find out the answers to all of those questions. but for now, i just have to wait.
im gonna go home now, and drink a beer.
there is this other guy, my room mate's best friend, who i have been dating occassionally as well. he is not my type whatsoever, but he pays attention to me from time to time, and says nice things to me. i have yet to even really kiss him, and we have been on like 6 or so dates now. weird? i think so. if the physical isnt there then the relationship is merely friendly, if you ask me. but i let him pay for dinner pretty often.
but the thing is, i want someone to cuddle with from time to time, and maybe someone to go get coffee, or see a movie, but as far as being seriously involved with someone, i'd just rather not right now. im fine being single, im actually kind of enjoying it i think, and i know after what ive been through with sean, i just cant bring myself to settle anymore. im not gonna date someone cause i think its what they want and im lonely. im gonna date someone now because i am infatuated with them, because we click so well all i dream of doing is making them happy, and hopefully them-me. im gonna have to really want it. cause im at the point now where i just kinda dont care.
i think reading through some of my past lj entries made me realize how void of emotion i am lately, or now, depending on if it ever ends. i was once so intrigued by someone that i treasured each moment we spent together. i wanted more than anything to make things perfect between us. that just wasnt meant to be, but since then i just havent been quite the same. like i said in a recent entry, i feel like i have discovered my sanity, which is very true. i do honestly believe i had a severe chemical imbalance at one point in my life, but i also feel like i am better. i am rational, i am calm. and i am also less emotional. meaning i am less likely to jump to crazy conclusions, but also i think that i am less likely to fall in love, or feel for someone with the intensity that i think i once did.
its funny how much of that relationship i have put behind me. i dont even remember half the things i wrote about once. in one entry i even wrote "i will never forget the way he looked right at that moment," which of course i totally forgot. i do miss it though. i know i am overall happier now than i was then, since i do feel more sane. but i miss feeling that much. i miss wanting someone that much. i miss knowing that they wanted me sometimes. i miss falling in love.
ive been in this place many times in the past. i am just waiting now. i know something is coming, i can feel it beginning to happen. i can sense that it is important, but i dont know what it is or when its coming or where it will take place. but i think to myself almost everyday that i am excited to find out the answers to all of those questions. but for now, i just have to wait.
im gonna go home now, and drink a beer.