the closer i get to feeling the further that im feeling from alright.
first of all i would like to give kudos to every american male for something quickly recognized and frequently reiterated. you are correct, all women are crazy, i admit it, you were right all along...
now i would like to point out that the reason we are all indeed crazy to you, is because you have the innate ability to make us that way. regardless of your intentions, every action that you make, every sweet gesture or moment of forgetfulness, is leading up to one more way to make us act in a way that can be defined as crazy. thank goodness i have finally been able to see the light on this situation because now i dont think i will be offended when i hear, once again, that i am crazy just for being a female, because now i know that the reason i am crazy is because of you.
i have done a lot of things that can be defined as crazy in just the past few days. i admit it, i am fully aware i shouldnt do them but it was just simply out of my control. where should i begin... friday? i believe that was the day my downward spiral began to speed up. my one day off of work this week. i normally just sit around my house wishing i was at work so i would at least have someone to talk to, but not this friday, no. i had big plans. finding the pieces to put my car stereo in, picking up the money my dad sent me once i finally located a western union in the great city of tulsa, going shopping for clothes (which i might i add i hadnt done in incredibly too long) in addition to just relaxing and working out. so he calls me on thursday night. his back hurts. when did this become my problem again? oh, he wants me to rub it for him? but he cant drive the ten minutes it takes to get to my apartment, so he is out of luck. but he suddenly wants to hang out again, tomorrow, friday, my one day off, how convenient... so i bite. i agree to meet him at his work friday morning to help with some things. we work the same job at different locations so it makes sense. at least it gives me a reason to get up early and not sleep my day off away. so i go, we enjoy ourselves, get things done, talk, laugh, almost act like friends again. then we go get some lunch, he lets me drive his new truck (of which he is freakishly possessive) we drive by a rue 21 and i say, "wow, a rue 21, i havent been there in forever, i didnt know they had one here. maybe ill stop by there later when im shopping cause i had wanted to do that today." he responds with, "ooohhhh, shopping, you should wait and ill go with you on tuesday, its my day off." i think, "wow, how nice that he wants to go shopping with me. that does sound like fun, i guess i will wait. i cant believe he wants to do something like that for ME." that, my friends, was my first mistake.
so he makes excuses to keep me at the theater for the rest of the day. i even left without telling him at one point when he got busy helping customers and he called me and made an excuse for me to come back. so i go back, do what it is he wants me to do then, much too late to get any of the things done that i had planned, tell him i really must go. he says his best friend is coming into town tonight, and assumes me along to hang out with them. i get along great with his best friend so this isnt a problem, i actually begin to look forward to an evening of drinking with the guys, cause i invite my room mate and another friend along as well. so i go home, get ready, pass out for a few minutes because i am exhausted from getting up early, and he wakes me up when he arrives to begin the evening. so we go out, have a great time, get along great, no awkward conversations arise, just good company, and good times. we all go back to my place. drink some more. more people come over. he is treating me so well, why is he treating me so well? the whole day could have gone down in the books as one of the first that we had spent so much time together and not had an argument. it was such a wonderful day. one where i felt cared about, which is a feeling i have come to miss.
next morning, he wants me to help him at work again. i said id go, but ended up needing the sleep to get over my hangover. get up around noon and hang out with his best friend all day. we took headache medicine, got lunch, got coffee, played two very funny games of air hockey, saw a movie, and had some really good conversations. i proceeded to go to work all night. it was a great day as well. nothing weird, frustrating or crazy.
i talk to him here and there the next day. not much. i asked if we were still on for shopping on tuesday. he says maybe... i begin to see my mistakes take shape.
monday. i text him about some funny thing i found that you put your name in and get a description of yourself. his is hot asshole who will do anything for sex. he calls me back, we talk, we laugh, we have a good conversation. i mention that i got off work at eight and would like to come over and get the piece he happens to have that will make my cd player fit in my car (which used to be his). he says that sounds great and that he will even see if he can put it in for me. i think, "wow, i just wanted to pick it up and drop off some of his things that i found in his car, but thats really nice of him to offer to help me put it in." this is my second mistake. i again believe that he honestly wants to do something to benefit me. he really just wants to help me. how sweet. wrong again. i get off work go over there, pick HIM up something to eat on the way, wait for him to finish up at work, wait to drive to his house so that I can eat too, finally get to eat my by then cold fries, and then he wants to put in a movie while we eat. sounds good, i pick out a movie (Saving Private Ryan) to which he points out, "that is a two and a half hour." to which i respond, "i know that but we arent going to watch the whole thing anyway so it doesnt matter."
we eat, we watch, we finish eating and keep watching. i get antsy. this trip was supposed to last about half an hour at most, and now its looking like i will be spending the evening with him. i even say at one point, "can we start working on my car, i didnt come over here to hang out with you." i finally convince him to turn off the movie. im not sure when it happened, but it was somewhere in between me saying that last quote to him and him figuring out that he couldnt put my cd player in my car cause i was still missing one piece. somewhere in there is when i went crazy. it wasnt enough anymore to just hop in my car and head home to sit and talk with my room mate. i wanted to him to come with me now. i wanted him to hold me, to give ME a back rub, to stare into my eyes, to kiss me... to love me again. it was in those moments that i started caring about him again. and then it started hurting again. and then it started to piss me off again. because i know him. i know that its not okay to want those things from him. because wanting those things and not getting them are what make people crazy. i had been fine for the past month when i didnt want those things. but i did again. and it hurt again.
so i ask him to come home with him. he says no, cause its my idea. i ask him if we are gonna still go shopping the next day. he says he still doesnt know. he can see that i am acting weird. i know he can see it. it doesnt make him angry this time though, he kinda seems to want to make it better, but he cant and i cant let him. he asks me to call him when i find out if i can get that piece that i need. i say i dont know when that will be. he says he will call me when he is done with flying lessons in the morning and we will talk about shopping. i say alright and leave, hurting, and listening to songs on the am/fm radio that make it hurt more cause i still dont have my cd player to play the songs i should be listening to. i think, and hurt, the whole way home. and then get there and drink, cause it makes it feel a little better. and it makes me pass out, which is all i can do when i feel like that.
so the next morning comes. i sleep way too long. way past the time he was supposed to call. i get up angry cause he hasnt called yet and i know he probably wont. i contemplate my actions. do i call him and get angry. do i call him and not get angry, let him get away with it once again. so i not call and continue to be angry myself. i decided to try to get on with my day and shop alone. but then i walked into rue 21 all alone and i was so angry i couldnt even shop. that was the last straw. all i wanted for the say was to make it home with bags of clothes. to have a few new outfits to parade around in and feel great about the way that i looked for a little while. if i couldnt even shop alone cause i was too mad then not calling him was out of the question. so i called. by this point i was fuming. i just wanted something to be about me. not to have him make it about him. i called and i was mad. and he knew i was mad. and i wouldnt tell him. cause it wouldnt have done any good. i would yell and he would get defensive and still not think that he had done anything wrong. i can never be right about the way that i feel. he says he didnt call after flying lessons because he hadnt gone to flying lessons. so where in the how to be a true american male handbook does it say that if you promise to call after an engagement and happen to not attend said engagement all obligation to call is then null and void??? i know it says this somewhere, it happens too often and considered alright on too many occasions to not be written somewhere. i would really love to see it.
so he knows im mad. he tells me he will meet me at target, we can still go shopping. so i swallow my anger, helped in part by the cute guy i talked to at radio shack waiting for him to get ready to get to target, and try to make it an alright day. and things did end up alright. he shopped for a few things he wanted at first, but i made him keep his promise of shopping with me. cause shopping with me is not just going shopping for the things you need while i follow behind and make comments that you ignore about items i see. shopping with me is sitting outside of the dressing room while i take too long to try things on and make you look at each item individually, telling me if it is worthy of purchase. i dont shop much, i dont get selfish much, but every girl everywhere needs someone to go "shopping with her" every once in awhile. and today that was what i needed. i got my clothes, i got his opinion on my clothes, we had a pretty good time. but why does it take so much effort to get to having a pretty good time?
i think i admitted to myself in the past couple days that the reasons i am so upset by all of this is because i am still completely in love with him. now i couldnt admit to myself, him, or anyone else while he and i were together that i was in love with him. i still didnt after it was so hard to let him go. to give us the space we both so desperately needed. but now that he is back, now that we are at the point where it should be okay to hang out, and now that it still hurts this much, i am able to admit it. i love him. i love him more than i should for the way our relationship progressed. i definitely love him more than i should for as long as we havent been together. but i think the thing that keeps making it worse is that i dont know that he DOESNT love me. we never talked about it. in fact, even when we were together, we never talked about our relationship. i was his girlfriend from the moment he introduced me to someone as such, and up until we had an all too long and heated break-up. we fought all the time, we hated the way the other treated us. we were miserable everyday when we were together. but we were also so happy everyday when we were together. so i just dont know.
so now i get to wonder is it time to have one of those talks? to find out how he really does feel about me. where did this sudden want to spend time with me really come from? the last i had heard before this was that we werent allowed in the same room for more than a couple minutes without supervision. was it my fox sports soccer channel on my big screen tv or my dvr with gilmore girls set to record every new episode that made him rethink the ultimate separation? or did he really just miss me?
but i know that at this point in time it is not okay for him to not call. it is not okay for him to offer things he doesnt really want to carry out. it is not okay for him to make me feel guilty when i ask him for something that i need. and it is certainly not okay for him to change the air conditioning settings in my car. yes, these may be crazy things to care about but i do... cause he made me.
now i would like to point out that the reason we are all indeed crazy to you, is because you have the innate ability to make us that way. regardless of your intentions, every action that you make, every sweet gesture or moment of forgetfulness, is leading up to one more way to make us act in a way that can be defined as crazy. thank goodness i have finally been able to see the light on this situation because now i dont think i will be offended when i hear, once again, that i am crazy just for being a female, because now i know that the reason i am crazy is because of you.
i have done a lot of things that can be defined as crazy in just the past few days. i admit it, i am fully aware i shouldnt do them but it was just simply out of my control. where should i begin... friday? i believe that was the day my downward spiral began to speed up. my one day off of work this week. i normally just sit around my house wishing i was at work so i would at least have someone to talk to, but not this friday, no. i had big plans. finding the pieces to put my car stereo in, picking up the money my dad sent me once i finally located a western union in the great city of tulsa, going shopping for clothes (which i might i add i hadnt done in incredibly too long) in addition to just relaxing and working out. so he calls me on thursday night. his back hurts. when did this become my problem again? oh, he wants me to rub it for him? but he cant drive the ten minutes it takes to get to my apartment, so he is out of luck. but he suddenly wants to hang out again, tomorrow, friday, my one day off, how convenient... so i bite. i agree to meet him at his work friday morning to help with some things. we work the same job at different locations so it makes sense. at least it gives me a reason to get up early and not sleep my day off away. so i go, we enjoy ourselves, get things done, talk, laugh, almost act like friends again. then we go get some lunch, he lets me drive his new truck (of which he is freakishly possessive) we drive by a rue 21 and i say, "wow, a rue 21, i havent been there in forever, i didnt know they had one here. maybe ill stop by there later when im shopping cause i had wanted to do that today." he responds with, "ooohhhh, shopping, you should wait and ill go with you on tuesday, its my day off." i think, "wow, how nice that he wants to go shopping with me. that does sound like fun, i guess i will wait. i cant believe he wants to do something like that for ME." that, my friends, was my first mistake.
so he makes excuses to keep me at the theater for the rest of the day. i even left without telling him at one point when he got busy helping customers and he called me and made an excuse for me to come back. so i go back, do what it is he wants me to do then, much too late to get any of the things done that i had planned, tell him i really must go. he says his best friend is coming into town tonight, and assumes me along to hang out with them. i get along great with his best friend so this isnt a problem, i actually begin to look forward to an evening of drinking with the guys, cause i invite my room mate and another friend along as well. so i go home, get ready, pass out for a few minutes because i am exhausted from getting up early, and he wakes me up when he arrives to begin the evening. so we go out, have a great time, get along great, no awkward conversations arise, just good company, and good times. we all go back to my place. drink some more. more people come over. he is treating me so well, why is he treating me so well? the whole day could have gone down in the books as one of the first that we had spent so much time together and not had an argument. it was such a wonderful day. one where i felt cared about, which is a feeling i have come to miss.
next morning, he wants me to help him at work again. i said id go, but ended up needing the sleep to get over my hangover. get up around noon and hang out with his best friend all day. we took headache medicine, got lunch, got coffee, played two very funny games of air hockey, saw a movie, and had some really good conversations. i proceeded to go to work all night. it was a great day as well. nothing weird, frustrating or crazy.
i talk to him here and there the next day. not much. i asked if we were still on for shopping on tuesday. he says maybe... i begin to see my mistakes take shape.
monday. i text him about some funny thing i found that you put your name in and get a description of yourself. his is hot asshole who will do anything for sex. he calls me back, we talk, we laugh, we have a good conversation. i mention that i got off work at eight and would like to come over and get the piece he happens to have that will make my cd player fit in my car (which used to be his). he says that sounds great and that he will even see if he can put it in for me. i think, "wow, i just wanted to pick it up and drop off some of his things that i found in his car, but thats really nice of him to offer to help me put it in." this is my second mistake. i again believe that he honestly wants to do something to benefit me. he really just wants to help me. how sweet. wrong again. i get off work go over there, pick HIM up something to eat on the way, wait for him to finish up at work, wait to drive to his house so that I can eat too, finally get to eat my by then cold fries, and then he wants to put in a movie while we eat. sounds good, i pick out a movie (Saving Private Ryan) to which he points out, "that is a two and a half hour." to which i respond, "i know that but we arent going to watch the whole thing anyway so it doesnt matter."
we eat, we watch, we finish eating and keep watching. i get antsy. this trip was supposed to last about half an hour at most, and now its looking like i will be spending the evening with him. i even say at one point, "can we start working on my car, i didnt come over here to hang out with you." i finally convince him to turn off the movie. im not sure when it happened, but it was somewhere in between me saying that last quote to him and him figuring out that he couldnt put my cd player in my car cause i was still missing one piece. somewhere in there is when i went crazy. it wasnt enough anymore to just hop in my car and head home to sit and talk with my room mate. i wanted to him to come with me now. i wanted him to hold me, to give ME a back rub, to stare into my eyes, to kiss me... to love me again. it was in those moments that i started caring about him again. and then it started hurting again. and then it started to piss me off again. because i know him. i know that its not okay to want those things from him. because wanting those things and not getting them are what make people crazy. i had been fine for the past month when i didnt want those things. but i did again. and it hurt again.
so i ask him to come home with him. he says no, cause its my idea. i ask him if we are gonna still go shopping the next day. he says he still doesnt know. he can see that i am acting weird. i know he can see it. it doesnt make him angry this time though, he kinda seems to want to make it better, but he cant and i cant let him. he asks me to call him when i find out if i can get that piece that i need. i say i dont know when that will be. he says he will call me when he is done with flying lessons in the morning and we will talk about shopping. i say alright and leave, hurting, and listening to songs on the am/fm radio that make it hurt more cause i still dont have my cd player to play the songs i should be listening to. i think, and hurt, the whole way home. and then get there and drink, cause it makes it feel a little better. and it makes me pass out, which is all i can do when i feel like that.
so the next morning comes. i sleep way too long. way past the time he was supposed to call. i get up angry cause he hasnt called yet and i know he probably wont. i contemplate my actions. do i call him and get angry. do i call him and not get angry, let him get away with it once again. so i not call and continue to be angry myself. i decided to try to get on with my day and shop alone. but then i walked into rue 21 all alone and i was so angry i couldnt even shop. that was the last straw. all i wanted for the say was to make it home with bags of clothes. to have a few new outfits to parade around in and feel great about the way that i looked for a little while. if i couldnt even shop alone cause i was too mad then not calling him was out of the question. so i called. by this point i was fuming. i just wanted something to be about me. not to have him make it about him. i called and i was mad. and he knew i was mad. and i wouldnt tell him. cause it wouldnt have done any good. i would yell and he would get defensive and still not think that he had done anything wrong. i can never be right about the way that i feel. he says he didnt call after flying lessons because he hadnt gone to flying lessons. so where in the how to be a true american male handbook does it say that if you promise to call after an engagement and happen to not attend said engagement all obligation to call is then null and void??? i know it says this somewhere, it happens too often and considered alright on too many occasions to not be written somewhere. i would really love to see it.
so he knows im mad. he tells me he will meet me at target, we can still go shopping. so i swallow my anger, helped in part by the cute guy i talked to at radio shack waiting for him to get ready to get to target, and try to make it an alright day. and things did end up alright. he shopped for a few things he wanted at first, but i made him keep his promise of shopping with me. cause shopping with me is not just going shopping for the things you need while i follow behind and make comments that you ignore about items i see. shopping with me is sitting outside of the dressing room while i take too long to try things on and make you look at each item individually, telling me if it is worthy of purchase. i dont shop much, i dont get selfish much, but every girl everywhere needs someone to go "shopping with her" every once in awhile. and today that was what i needed. i got my clothes, i got his opinion on my clothes, we had a pretty good time. but why does it take so much effort to get to having a pretty good time?
i think i admitted to myself in the past couple days that the reasons i am so upset by all of this is because i am still completely in love with him. now i couldnt admit to myself, him, or anyone else while he and i were together that i was in love with him. i still didnt after it was so hard to let him go. to give us the space we both so desperately needed. but now that he is back, now that we are at the point where it should be okay to hang out, and now that it still hurts this much, i am able to admit it. i love him. i love him more than i should for the way our relationship progressed. i definitely love him more than i should for as long as we havent been together. but i think the thing that keeps making it worse is that i dont know that he DOESNT love me. we never talked about it. in fact, even when we were together, we never talked about our relationship. i was his girlfriend from the moment he introduced me to someone as such, and up until we had an all too long and heated break-up. we fought all the time, we hated the way the other treated us. we were miserable everyday when we were together. but we were also so happy everyday when we were together. so i just dont know.
so now i get to wonder is it time to have one of those talks? to find out how he really does feel about me. where did this sudden want to spend time with me really come from? the last i had heard before this was that we werent allowed in the same room for more than a couple minutes without supervision. was it my fox sports soccer channel on my big screen tv or my dvr with gilmore girls set to record every new episode that made him rethink the ultimate separation? or did he really just miss me?
but i know that at this point in time it is not okay for him to not call. it is not okay for him to offer things he doesnt really want to carry out. it is not okay for him to make me feel guilty when i ask him for something that i need. and it is certainly not okay for him to change the air conditioning settings in my car. yes, these may be crazy things to care about but i do... cause he made me.