ugh...pms
I wish my goddamn period would just come so I could stop crying every day like I have been since Friday...ew. For awhile, I thought I had proved myself wrong and that everything was perfect in my life. I realize now, I was just overlooking some aspects. I miss all of my friends outside of the Target group so much that I dont know what to do with myself. I want to see them all, but I know I'll just be a shitty friend and never get around to it. I finally gave you the letter I had been holding onto since September that I was so scared of giving you. I was absolutely right on what would happen. Me giving you that will change fucking nothing. What a waste of time...and I mean that in so many different ways. Though CJ says he's joking, I can't help but wonder if there's truth in the mean things that he says to me...then it makes me wonder if Josh is better off without me.
I fucking hate drama...yet it seems to get to me especially when I'm already down. I think I need to take a week off of work...because I need more than one day a week to myself where I don't have to worry about school or work. I should be doing my accounting project, but I'm slowly letting myself down in that class. I'm starting to fall into my old patterns of last school year and truthfully, I could give a flying fuck. I want to see Bekah and Charlie and laugh and laugh at nothing. I want to see Chad and Lee and smoke hookah til I get a headache. I want to fucking feel like I belong somewhere. I want to be someone's best friend again. When I saw Larson at Potbelly's I wanted to cry because for the first time since February, I missed all of those people. Then when Anthony called me later that night, I wanted to go drive to Nick's and pick him up and go to the pool hall and expect everyone to be there like last winter minus a few people. Kurt Halsey's artwork that says, "Sometimes I think that the only reason I like him is that he's so darn cute. Cause I certainly don't like how his brain works." applies to how I feel so much lately, it makes me sick. I fucked up big time on Friday night/Saturday morning, but I didn't know what to do...that's why it happened the way it did. The fact that it took me to be completely angry and upset with you and you to be completely wasted for you to tell me that you love me breaks my heart. Number one, I know I'm fucking worth more than that...therefore you better show me that I mean more to you than that because I certainly don't feel that way. Second of all, I said it to you then, which of course I doubt you remember, but say "I love you" to me when you're sober and I just might believe you...because right now, I think you're full of shit.