I blame Patricia Cornwall
I've finally recovered and have returned to the loving arms of my television.
First it was CSI.
Then there was CSI: Miami. Then NCIS. And now CSI: New York. And something called Medical Investigation.
It's got to stop.
Come back, Reality TV, all is forgiven.
Of course, what if there was:
"CSI Voyager"
Just a short piece of nonsense with no redeeming features :)
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
I was summoned to sickbay at 0300 hours this morning by the EMH, who reported a most serious crime. His holoemitter is missing. According to the doctor, he has not misplaced it, nor could it have disappeared without ‘foul play’, as the EMH called it in his unnecessarily dramatic and emotional way. It does seem logical that a theft has indeed occurred.
My first option was to attempt to establish a possible motive. On the one hand, the emitter is of no use to anyone but the doctor. There is not, as far as I am aware, any other sentient hologram on Voyager. I have charged Lieutenant Torres and Ensign Kim with investigating our computer systems to confirm this hypothesis.
On the other hand, there are many individuals on board this vessel who have expressed a wish that the EMH be confined to sickbay. A systematic investigation of those individuals would involve 75% of the crew, including all senior staff with the exception of myself and Mr Neelix.
I have chosen, therefore, to carry out a forensic crime scene investigation of sickbay, to establish who had opportunity to commit this crime, as motive there is either none or far too many.
CSI Log, Entry by Lieutenant Ayala
On the orders of Commander Tuvok, I conducted a particle scan of sickbay today, using a portable, handheld scanner. The results were inconclusive. Fifteen people can be confirmed as having been present in sickbay between the time at which the Doctor last used his emitter, and the time at which he first noticed it was missing.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
Fucking Tuvok. He had me on my hands and knees all day, scanning every inch of sickbay. I could have done it in one minute with the onboard sensors, with a 0.000007% loss of precision. And talk about blood and guts (all of it in sealed packages). I think that the doctor is secretly a vampire. I wonder if holograms can drink blood. Sickbay is creepy, and I never realised that before.
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
Lieutenant Ayala’s scan has found a very significant residue on one of the sickbay monitors. A close analysis has determined that it is a coffee stain, from the particular blend favoured by Captain Janeway.
I wish at this time to enter into the log the following observation of Captain Kathryn Janeway, made to me at our briefing last week:
“If that damn doctor pops up in Michael’s Fairhaven bedroom one more time, I am going to personally scramble his system with a Klingon pain stick. Pour me another cup of coffee.”
CSI Log, Entry by Lieutenant Ayala
The particle scan indicates that Ensign Paris and Commander Chakotay were the most frequent visitors to sickbay during the thief’s window of opportunity.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
I have never seen so many cum stains in my life. Chakotay must have banged Paris on every surface in sickbay - a dozen times. Always thought he had it in him - and Paris for damn sure has. But Paris works there so he at least has an excuse for leaving DNA, if not sperm deposits. To think, I’ve lain on those biobeds.
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
I believe that we have ascertained the identity of our prime suspect. The last-known resting place of the emitter shows an almost undetectable residue of nanoprobes. The nanoprobes had self-destructed and dissolved, but Lieutenant Ayala’s fifteenth particle scan, each one conducted at a deeper resonance, revealed this faint trace. We have brought the suspect to Security for interrogation.
CSI Log, Record of Interview, Seven of Nine.
Commander Tuvok: Seven, did you remove the doctor’s emitter from sickbay, and have you secreted it somewhere on this vessel?
Seven: I did not. I have not.
Commander Tuvok: Thank you, you may go.
CSI Log, Entry of Commander Tuvok
Our prime suspect has proved obdurate in the extreme. Lieutenant Ayala is of the view that having failed to elicit a confession in my first interview, which was “tough enough to crack even a Borg nut”, we are unlikely to make further headway by questioning the suspect. I concur. He is going to adopt the strategy which, he argues, is time-honoured and proven - that of “good cop”.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
Fucked Seven tonight. Life is good. She said my calluses, from using that particle scanner day after day, were “particularly effective in stimulating her clitoris”. She came twice and so did I. I am shit hot and hot shit.
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
Our Crime Scene Investigation has entered its twenty-seventh day. We have proven conclusively that every crewmember on Voyager had motivation and opportunity to commit the crime.
Captain Janeway delivered new orders today.
“It’s a victimless crime,” she said. “Or, to put it another way, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or even the one. Especially *this* one. Drop it mister, or I’ll bust you to ensign.”
I am officially closing this CSI Log, effective immediately.
Personal Log, Commander Tuvok
I find myself disturbed at the failure to “get my man”, as Mr Kim has put it. I pointed out to him that I had already “got my man”, and proved it to him by taking him anally for 58.93 minutes. I find such demonstrations effective with Mr Kim.
Even so, there is a certain - dissatisfaction - at abandoning a crime without locating and rehabilitating its perpetrator.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
Wow. That Starfleet Vulcan is a bloodhound. He finally worked out that the thief was Chell. He’s run the Bolian ragged. Confinement to quarters, callisthenics, special Starfleet training sessions, the works. He’s gonna rehabilitate Chell or die trying. Poor Chell.
TSI Log, Entry by Captain Braxton
Our Time Scene Investigation team has successfully extracted the 29th century holoemitter from Voyager. There have been no repercussions. We were not detected, and a 24th century denizen has taken the fall. Life is good.
I am officially closing this TSI Log, effective immediately.
First it was CSI.
Then there was CSI: Miami. Then NCIS. And now CSI: New York. And something called Medical Investigation.
It's got to stop.
Come back, Reality TV, all is forgiven.
Of course, what if there was:
"CSI Voyager"
Just a short piece of nonsense with no redeeming features :)
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
I was summoned to sickbay at 0300 hours this morning by the EMH, who reported a most serious crime. His holoemitter is missing. According to the doctor, he has not misplaced it, nor could it have disappeared without ‘foul play’, as the EMH called it in his unnecessarily dramatic and emotional way. It does seem logical that a theft has indeed occurred.
My first option was to attempt to establish a possible motive. On the one hand, the emitter is of no use to anyone but the doctor. There is not, as far as I am aware, any other sentient hologram on Voyager. I have charged Lieutenant Torres and Ensign Kim with investigating our computer systems to confirm this hypothesis.
On the other hand, there are many individuals on board this vessel who have expressed a wish that the EMH be confined to sickbay. A systematic investigation of those individuals would involve 75% of the crew, including all senior staff with the exception of myself and Mr Neelix.
I have chosen, therefore, to carry out a forensic crime scene investigation of sickbay, to establish who had opportunity to commit this crime, as motive there is either none or far too many.
CSI Log, Entry by Lieutenant Ayala
On the orders of Commander Tuvok, I conducted a particle scan of sickbay today, using a portable, handheld scanner. The results were inconclusive. Fifteen people can be confirmed as having been present in sickbay between the time at which the Doctor last used his emitter, and the time at which he first noticed it was missing.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
Fucking Tuvok. He had me on my hands and knees all day, scanning every inch of sickbay. I could have done it in one minute with the onboard sensors, with a 0.000007% loss of precision. And talk about blood and guts (all of it in sealed packages). I think that the doctor is secretly a vampire. I wonder if holograms can drink blood. Sickbay is creepy, and I never realised that before.
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
Lieutenant Ayala’s scan has found a very significant residue on one of the sickbay monitors. A close analysis has determined that it is a coffee stain, from the particular blend favoured by Captain Janeway.
I wish at this time to enter into the log the following observation of Captain Kathryn Janeway, made to me at our briefing last week:
“If that damn doctor pops up in Michael’s Fairhaven bedroom one more time, I am going to personally scramble his system with a Klingon pain stick. Pour me another cup of coffee.”
CSI Log, Entry by Lieutenant Ayala
The particle scan indicates that Ensign Paris and Commander Chakotay were the most frequent visitors to sickbay during the thief’s window of opportunity.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
I have never seen so many cum stains in my life. Chakotay must have banged Paris on every surface in sickbay - a dozen times. Always thought he had it in him - and Paris for damn sure has. But Paris works there so he at least has an excuse for leaving DNA, if not sperm deposits. To think, I’ve lain on those biobeds.
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
I believe that we have ascertained the identity of our prime suspect. The last-known resting place of the emitter shows an almost undetectable residue of nanoprobes. The nanoprobes had self-destructed and dissolved, but Lieutenant Ayala’s fifteenth particle scan, each one conducted at a deeper resonance, revealed this faint trace. We have brought the suspect to Security for interrogation.
CSI Log, Record of Interview, Seven of Nine.
Commander Tuvok: Seven, did you remove the doctor’s emitter from sickbay, and have you secreted it somewhere on this vessel?
Seven: I did not. I have not.
Commander Tuvok: Thank you, you may go.
CSI Log, Entry of Commander Tuvok
Our prime suspect has proved obdurate in the extreme. Lieutenant Ayala is of the view that having failed to elicit a confession in my first interview, which was “tough enough to crack even a Borg nut”, we are unlikely to make further headway by questioning the suspect. I concur. He is going to adopt the strategy which, he argues, is time-honoured and proven - that of “good cop”.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
Fucked Seven tonight. Life is good. She said my calluses, from using that particle scanner day after day, were “particularly effective in stimulating her clitoris”. She came twice and so did I. I am shit hot and hot shit.
CSI Log, Entry by Commander Tuvok
Our Crime Scene Investigation has entered its twenty-seventh day. We have proven conclusively that every crewmember on Voyager had motivation and opportunity to commit the crime.
Captain Janeway delivered new orders today.
“It’s a victimless crime,” she said. “Or, to put it another way, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or even the one. Especially *this* one. Drop it mister, or I’ll bust you to ensign.”
I am officially closing this CSI Log, effective immediately.
Personal Log, Commander Tuvok
I find myself disturbed at the failure to “get my man”, as Mr Kim has put it. I pointed out to him that I had already “got my man”, and proved it to him by taking him anally for 58.93 minutes. I find such demonstrations effective with Mr Kim.
Even so, there is a certain - dissatisfaction - at abandoning a crime without locating and rehabilitating its perpetrator.
Personal Log, Lieutenant Ayala
Wow. That Starfleet Vulcan is a bloodhound. He finally worked out that the thief was Chell. He’s run the Bolian ragged. Confinement to quarters, callisthenics, special Starfleet training sessions, the works. He’s gonna rehabilitate Chell or die trying. Poor Chell.
TSI Log, Entry by Captain Braxton
Our Time Scene Investigation team has successfully extracted the 29th century holoemitter from Voyager. There have been no repercussions. We were not detected, and a 24th century denizen has taken the fall. Life is good.
I am officially closing this TSI Log, effective immediately.