Attack your enemy where he is not
So I have some more thoughts on my situation in life. So many more that I will undoubtedly miss a lot of them.
On The Thin Limb:
I should have tempered my earlier posts with this, but I didn't. Why? I was indulgent in my pain. And childish in my not wanting to accept something different and admit to it publicly. But this is ultimately good for me. In many ways. It's good to challenge me. To give me perspective. To put me in a position where I have to wonder the whys and hows of life. How did I get here? Why do I feel like this? It's good to uproot my arrogant ass and really put me out there where I have to learn to fend for myself. Because ultimately living life the way I used to live was a safe way to be. And I'm all about doing things that are difficult to gain strength. Mainly in terms of mental composure.
Mike (my karate teacher) uses a phrase a lot: going out on a thin limb. That's what this is for me. I'm out on the floor pushing myself and trying to go as fast as I can go and still maintain some sense of control and maintain some sense of offense and defense. That's a scary situation. And you will face all of your tension, fear, anger, and anything else you could feel right in that moment. And you will have to get over it and still continue without breaking down, without breaking rhythm, and without breaking your partner. That's an immense task for anyone.
But there's more to being out on the thin limb than just what you're doing on the floor in sparring. It's really about what's going on in life. Putting yourself out there and doing those things that are scary and challenging and so very important - that's what it really is to be out on the thin limb. That's where I am right now. Without any real sense of foundation in the world. Out facing shit that I've never really faced on my own before. Learning to be a man, as Mike would say.
So I've tempered myself with that. And I'm learning, thinking, and growing through this in my own way. I know (to some extent) that there has been concern for me in different forms given what I have written in this online journal thing. No one has really been privy to all of the information (least of all me). Tonight I had a pretty good conversation with Tommy wherein I examined the nature of my predicament and how I could possibly fix it. I went out on a thin limb to try to get in touch with some different people to hang out and one of those thin limbs gave me some support for a moment which was exquisite in its own right. And so I'm not sitting here, still, unable to help myself and wallowing in depression.
To be sure, I am indeed depressed in some sense. Life is not satisfying at the moment. And I am certainly unhappy about the things that have happened in the past year, especially in the past few weeks, especially in these recent days. It has been a difficult time. And I have to face that and face what I've done and face where I will take myself.
Owning up to things like that has always been extremely difficult for me. I think it's difficult for everyone. But telling the truth is amazingly hard. But you have to get out there on the floor - on your own little thin limb - and learn to fight for yourself even if that means you're scared and alone.
On fixing issues:
Tonight it was suggested that, to fix my problems, I leave Athens. That might be an important step. That's really damned intimidating. That's something else entirely for me. Being here in this town is not the only thing that's causing me problems. But it's a part of the issue. So maybe it would be important for me to leave.
I'm not sure what I should do. I've been looking for jobs, but with little success. If anyone knows anywhere that's hiring, let me know. I'm going to try to apply some other places and try to get some more daytime hours. Or better pay. Or something that would improve my situation. I'm thinking maybe a bank? I'm not really sure.
The problem is that I can't really plan for a long term job or for a long term move at this point because in the next few months I will be hearing back from the schools I applied to and will have a definitive answer as to whether or not I will be going to grad school anywhere. So I can't really have any plans set in stone or any real life-changing events in motion prior to finding out about that and deciding what I'm going to do. So at the moment I still need temporary solutions to this long term problem.
On my problems:
Here's a big portion of my problem that I can see: I have trouble approaching people about hanging out on my own because I am anxious about what they will think and I think myself out of it.
To this point in my life, the social life I have found myself in has been largely provided for me in a series of packages. People knew me through Ryan, Will, Sarah, or someone else. And so it was largely a series of friendships of convenience. And many have since fallen away as relationship have petered out and have become weaker. So now I find myself without a social circle largely because I never put effort into making one in the first place since I could just latch onto the friends I had provided for me through other people I knew.
But I have a lot of trouble approaching people about the prospect of hanging out. It is a draining and difficult task to attempt to put myself out there to try to get people to spend time with me. It's easier when you have a social circle provided for you. One can just ask someone to join you all. But without that, it's usually just going to be one on one. (I prefer one on one anyway. It's my style.) That tends to be more awkward and difficult for most people I think, though it's what I appreciate more often than group settings (though they each have their place).
And I get anxious about how to approach the topic with people on hanging out. I don't have a lot of experience with that, so it's weird for me. And I've always been very shy and had a lot of social anxiety. It's something that I have to get over and just try to work on anyway, but it's not something that comes easily to me.
I've been working on it recently. But the process is slow and I am, after all, human, so I demand immediate benefits. Unfortunately, I still have time to wait out as things develop in life. It will.
On The Thin Limb:
I should have tempered my earlier posts with this, but I didn't. Why? I was indulgent in my pain. And childish in my not wanting to accept something different and admit to it publicly. But this is ultimately good for me. In many ways. It's good to challenge me. To give me perspective. To put me in a position where I have to wonder the whys and hows of life. How did I get here? Why do I feel like this? It's good to uproot my arrogant ass and really put me out there where I have to learn to fend for myself. Because ultimately living life the way I used to live was a safe way to be. And I'm all about doing things that are difficult to gain strength. Mainly in terms of mental composure.
Mike (my karate teacher) uses a phrase a lot: going out on a thin limb. That's what this is for me. I'm out on the floor pushing myself and trying to go as fast as I can go and still maintain some sense of control and maintain some sense of offense and defense. That's a scary situation. And you will face all of your tension, fear, anger, and anything else you could feel right in that moment. And you will have to get over it and still continue without breaking down, without breaking rhythm, and without breaking your partner. That's an immense task for anyone.
But there's more to being out on the thin limb than just what you're doing on the floor in sparring. It's really about what's going on in life. Putting yourself out there and doing those things that are scary and challenging and so very important - that's what it really is to be out on the thin limb. That's where I am right now. Without any real sense of foundation in the world. Out facing shit that I've never really faced on my own before. Learning to be a man, as Mike would say.
So I've tempered myself with that. And I'm learning, thinking, and growing through this in my own way. I know (to some extent) that there has been concern for me in different forms given what I have written in this online journal thing. No one has really been privy to all of the information (least of all me). Tonight I had a pretty good conversation with Tommy wherein I examined the nature of my predicament and how I could possibly fix it. I went out on a thin limb to try to get in touch with some different people to hang out and one of those thin limbs gave me some support for a moment which was exquisite in its own right. And so I'm not sitting here, still, unable to help myself and wallowing in depression.
To be sure, I am indeed depressed in some sense. Life is not satisfying at the moment. And I am certainly unhappy about the things that have happened in the past year, especially in the past few weeks, especially in these recent days. It has been a difficult time. And I have to face that and face what I've done and face where I will take myself.
Owning up to things like that has always been extremely difficult for me. I think it's difficult for everyone. But telling the truth is amazingly hard. But you have to get out there on the floor - on your own little thin limb - and learn to fight for yourself even if that means you're scared and alone.
On fixing issues:
Tonight it was suggested that, to fix my problems, I leave Athens. That might be an important step. That's really damned intimidating. That's something else entirely for me. Being here in this town is not the only thing that's causing me problems. But it's a part of the issue. So maybe it would be important for me to leave.
I'm not sure what I should do. I've been looking for jobs, but with little success. If anyone knows anywhere that's hiring, let me know. I'm going to try to apply some other places and try to get some more daytime hours. Or better pay. Or something that would improve my situation. I'm thinking maybe a bank? I'm not really sure.
The problem is that I can't really plan for a long term job or for a long term move at this point because in the next few months I will be hearing back from the schools I applied to and will have a definitive answer as to whether or not I will be going to grad school anywhere. So I can't really have any plans set in stone or any real life-changing events in motion prior to finding out about that and deciding what I'm going to do. So at the moment I still need temporary solutions to this long term problem.
On my problems:
Here's a big portion of my problem that I can see: I have trouble approaching people about hanging out on my own because I am anxious about what they will think and I think myself out of it.
To this point in my life, the social life I have found myself in has been largely provided for me in a series of packages. People knew me through Ryan, Will, Sarah, or someone else. And so it was largely a series of friendships of convenience. And many have since fallen away as relationship have petered out and have become weaker. So now I find myself without a social circle largely because I never put effort into making one in the first place since I could just latch onto the friends I had provided for me through other people I knew.
But I have a lot of trouble approaching people about the prospect of hanging out. It is a draining and difficult task to attempt to put myself out there to try to get people to spend time with me. It's easier when you have a social circle provided for you. One can just ask someone to join you all. But without that, it's usually just going to be one on one. (I prefer one on one anyway. It's my style.) That tends to be more awkward and difficult for most people I think, though it's what I appreciate more often than group settings (though they each have their place).
And I get anxious about how to approach the topic with people on hanging out. I don't have a lot of experience with that, so it's weird for me. And I've always been very shy and had a lot of social anxiety. It's something that I have to get over and just try to work on anyway, but it's not something that comes easily to me.
I've been working on it recently. But the process is slow and I am, after all, human, so I demand immediate benefits. Unfortunately, I still have time to wait out as things develop in life. It will.