#22 | If You Want To Go Fast, Go Alone (2/2) | BaekChen
The longest day of Jongdae’s life starts at 6 in the morning. His alarm goes off and he struggles to turn it off, slapping mercilessly at his phone until he realize that oh, he needs to swipe. His shower is cold because the hot water heater in his apartments are broken and in the five minutes he spends freezing his ass off to get clean he misses three calls from Kyungsoo asking where he is and if he wants breakfast and nevermind because he’d already gotten through the Starbucks drive through and Jongdae was too late.
Kyungsoo picks him up in front of his apartment complex at 7, and greets him with a caffè americano and a frown. “You look exhausted. When did you get to sleep last night?”
Jongdae hops into Kyungsoo’s car, which is too tall for either of them, and takes a long drink from his coffee, pretending like he could taste it and not like he’d just burnt the absolute hell out of his tongue. “Three? Four? I couldn’t sleep.” Kyungsoo shrugs in what Jongdae chooses to assume is sympathy.
“Sleep over at mine tonight, you can even sleep in tomorrow morning.” Kyungsoo pats Jongdae’s thigh, and leans over the center console to kiss him.
“Mmm, two meals and sex?” Jongdae murmurs.
“Only if you make it through today.” It takes them a minute to separate, kissing until they realize they’re actually blocking the exit.
It’s a nice long, quiet drive to Mrs. Jung’s, the only noises being the GPS telling Kyungsoo to turn and Jongdae timidly sipping his coffee.
“Why on Earth would you agree to be at someone’s house this early in the morning?” Kyungsoo says as he pulls up in front of her house. It’s small and very old lady-esque. There’s flowers lining the yard and lace curtains in the windows.
“Her grandson is picking her up at like 10 and I don’t want to be here when he’s here.” They hadn’t gotten along as kids and there was no reason to try to remedy that now. “Besides, Chanyeol’s opening for me right now so I have to go save him after this.”
Kyungsoo sighs, and rubs his eyes. “In the words of the red man himself, here we go.” Jongdae tries to smile but he’s too tired, so he isn’t sure if his cheeks get all the way there.
Mrs. Jung must’ve seen them pull up, because she’s kind enough to meet them outside.
“Hello, boys. All the boxes are just in the living room, that’s as far as Changgu would carry them.”
“That’s fine, we can manage.” Jongdae hugs her.
“Who’s your friend?” Mrs. Jung smiles and shakes Kyungsoo’s hand, turning to lead them inside. “I made you two cookies as payment.”
Kyungsoo smiles. “I’m Jongdae’s boyfriend, Kyungsoo. He’s told me all about you.” Both Jongdae and Mrs. Jung freeze, and Kyungsoo walks past them into the living room. Jongdae stares at Kyungsoo, who is still talking. “This is a really impressive collection, even if it’s all boxed up.” He whistles.
Mrs. Jung smiles at Jongdae. “You didn’t tell me you- How nice, Jongdae’s never introduced me to one of his boyfriends.” Her voice is so, so hesitant, and Kyungsoo is clueless as he continues.
“That must mean I’m special.” Kyungsoo laughs. “I’ll get started.”
Kyungsoo grabs a box and heads outside, leaving Jongdae alone with Mrs. Jung in the hallway.
“How nice,” she repeats. “You know, there is nothing wrong with being gay.” Her eyes are wide.
“Um, yeah. Yeah.” Jongdae heads towards the pile of boxes and picks one up. It’s much heavier than what Kyungsoo had made it seem.
“No, Jongdae, it’s okay. It’s perfectly natural.” Mrs. Jung says. “My brother’s stepson is a gay too, and he’s just fabulous.”
Jongdae can like, feel his very soul withering away inside of him, right there between his chest and his stomach. His organs wave goodbye to it as it shrinks.
“I’ll go grab those cookies, then.” Mrs. Jung all but scurries away from him, leaving him alone to die in her foyer.
He catches Kyungsoo by the car. “Dude, I wasn’t out to her.”
Kyungsoo shrugs and takes the box from him. “You didn’t tell me. Besides, it’s 2016, who really cares anymore?”
“Um, me? Half the world?” Jongdae says and Kyungsoo just rolls his eyes and shoves the box into the back of his car.
“Calm down, she really doesn’t care.”
“But I do, I wasn’t ready for her to know.” He says, and it’s cold outside but his face is burning with frustration.
“Look, I didn’t know you weren’t out to her. Let’s just talk about it later, Jongdae, Jesus.” Kyungsoo heads back towards the house.
Jongdae waits by the car for another minute, trying to will away his tears, before he follows Kyungsoo.
It takes 15 minutes for them to load the car while Mrs. Jung waits quietly in the kitchen. She had avoided Jongin for a week after he let it slip he was bisexual before cornering him in the gardening section of Chapter One to tell him why it was perfectly okay for him to spend his teens figuring his life out, and that she would still support him no matter if he worked out he was gay or not. Jongin hadn’t cared that she thought he was going through a phase, but it had scared Jongdae away from telling her about his own preferences.
Mrs. Jung hands Jongdae a plate of cookies on their last trip to the car. “I’m sure I’ll be back to visit the store within the next few months, I’ll be sure to bring my niece by in case things don’t work out between you and that one.” She says, quietly so Kyungsoo won’t hear her. “I-”
“Yeah, sure, I’ll see you then. Thank you for the books and cookies don’t forget to call me I hope you have a safe trip goodbye!” Jongdae says in one breath and kind of half-jogs to the car, balancing the plate of cookies on top of the box.
He shoves the box into the back seat and looks back at Mrs. Jung, who is smiling but her concern is evident between her eyebrows. Jongdae knows she won’t call, and he climbs into the passenger seat before looking back again at Mrs. Jung’s house. She walks inside and doesn’t wave to them as they leave, and Jongdae can’t find it in him to eat any of the cookies she’d made for him. Kyungsoo eats one quietly. They don’t talk on the way back.
☆
“Oh, fuck, yeah,” Jongdae pants. “Right there, oh my god.”
“Yeah?” Kyungsoo grunts. “You sure?” His forehead glistens with sweat.
“Yes, I don’t have it in me to care anymore where they go, that was the last one.” Jongdae stands up and wipes his forehead. After Mrs. Jung’s, they had planned to stop by the store but Joonmyun texted Jongdae telling him he didn’t need to come by. Jongdae hadn’t felt the need to ask why. He was already having a shitty day, he didn’t want to hear about whatever horrible thing they’d done to his store and were trying to fix.
“We need to take a break, I think.” Jongdae nods. “We can leave it all here for today and you can just price them when we take it to the store.” Kyungsoo’s frowning while he speaks. “All this won’t be here too long, right? It’s so messy.”
“I just…” Jongdae says, but the thought dies on his tongue with one look from Kyungsoo. “Um, let’s order pizza or something.” So they’re still fighting? Jongdae never knows when Kyungsoo is upset with him.
Kyungsoo frowns again- that seems to be his only face, lately. “I told you, I don’t mind cooking for you.”
“If you cook, I have to do dishes. I’m too tired for that right now.” Jongdae collapses on the couch next to all the boxes. He wishes they’d moved some closer to the couch so he could use one as a foot rest.
“I know, but pizza doesn’t fit my macros.” Kyungsoo stands in front of him. Jongdae wishes he would sit with him, pull Jongdae into his lap and cuddle him. Kyungsoo doesn’t usually act unless Jongdae is completely upfront about what he wants. “I’ll cook and after we eat, you’ll be rested enough.”
“Babe,” Jongdae begs, looking up at Kyungsoo. “I’m too tired.” Jongdae wishes Kyungsoo would offer to do the dishes for him. He’s doing a lot of wishing lately.
Instead of sitting with him Kyungsoo smiles and puts his hands on either side of Jongdae’s face. He smiles. “Suck it up, babe.” And then he’s gone and walking towards the kitchen.
Jongdae watches after him, wondering how he should react. So are they still fighting about Kyungsoo outing him or not? He’s too tired to yell, and he can’t just yell at Kyungsoo for not being considerate. He doesn’t particularly want to get up and talk Kyungsoo out of cooking dinner, let alone discuss his feelings. He doesn’t even really have the energy to eat. He’s bone tired. He wants to go to sleep. He wants to sleep, in his bed, alone, and he wants to cry, and when he wakes up he wants to eat pizza, and then he wants to sleep again because this kind of tired isn’t going to go away with one night’s rest. He can hear Kyungsoo chopping vegetables in the kitchen, getting out pans, washing the rice. He feels numb in a familiar way.
Quickly, he texts Jongin. Call me rn and feign a book emergency.
Jongin calls him two minutes later. “Hey, Jongin.” Jongdae says while he stands up and walks towards the kitchen. “What’s up?” He stands behind Kyungsoo and rubs the center of his back in apology for something Kyungsoo doesn’t even know is happening.
“Jongdae, dude, get down here. Like, now.” Kyungsoo can hear him because he turns to look at Jongdae quizzically.
“What’s wrong?” Jongdae pulls away from him.
“I just- This lady- Just please, it’ll be easier to explain in person.” Kyungsoo pouts.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll be there soon.” Jongdae says.
“Hurry!” Jongin says before he hangs up.
“I hope it’s nothing too serious.” Kyungsoo turns back to the vegetables. “Will you be back for dinner?”
“Um, I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted, though.” Jongdae’s already toeing on his shoes. He waits by the door for Kyungsoo to see him off.
“Okay, I have to go to bed early though, so if it keeps you out until 9, just go to yours.” So no meals and no sex.
“Alright.” Jongdae waits for a second, but Kyungsoo doesn’t turn around again. “I’m leaving!” Another second.
“Bye!” Kyungsoo calls out over his shoulder and Jongdae just barely makes it outside before he starts crying. He’s not exactly sure why he’s crying.
He texts Jongin a heavy thank you and starts walking home.
☆
It takes a Baekhyun exactly four conversations to solidify his vacation plans, his manager forcing his to promise to not take any pictures and not sign anything while he’s there. He does get a whole week, which takes a small bribe of two new pairs of shoes and a new jacket, but it’s worth it.
He doesn’t have a plan, but it’s worth it.
☆
Things with Kyungsoo don’t get better. They start going to bed angry (Jongdae does, at least). His passivity gets boiled over by this sticking resentment and he just starts getting so mad he can’t help but be snippy and mean and cruel. Fights are longer and never really end, non-issues that turn into longer-lasting, deep-seeded arguments. Jongdae wonders how you can feel so much hate for the person you’re supposed to love.
“You can’t just top every single time!”
“Oh, is that really what we’re fighting about now?” Kyungsoo practically throws his bowl into the sink. “I’m sure we have some real problems we could be discussing, but sure, let's go for the sex talk.”
All Jongdae can see is red. “You know what, yes, we are going to fight about this, because it’s insane for you to expect me to bottom literally every single night-”
“I don’t like bottoming, we’ve talked about that-”
“Yeah, and it’s okay that you don’t, just not when you want to have sex almost every single day!”
“Please, you act like you don’t beg for it-”
“I sure as hell don’t beg for it every single day.” Jongdae storms out of the kitchen and into the living room. “Your libido is too high for you to call top every time. Has it been so long since you last bottomed that you’ve forgotten it hurts?”
“Oh, no, we are not fucking done, Jongdae, come back here right now.” Kyungsoo grabs him by the wrist and Jongdae stops completely.
“Soo, let go of me.” Immediately, Kyungsoo drops his arm and apologizes. “I think I should go.”
“Babe-”
“Don’t fucking babe me, you asshole.”
“So now I’m an asshole.”
“Yes, you are, I’m leaving.” Jongdae grabs his jacket, but his phone is still plugged in in Kyungsoo’s bedroom, so he walks as quickly as he can to get it. Kyungsoo follows him, still arguing.
“No, let’s talk more. Why is it not okay for me to want to top, but it’s okay for us to always explore your kinks?”
“Sure, the guy who jerks off to tentacle porn can shit talk my oral fixation. We can’t physically explore your kinks, Kyungsoo.” Jongdae can’t unplug his phone and Kyungsoo reaches over him and pulls it from the outlet for him.
“It’s your charger, just take the whole damn thing if you’re leaving. Your kinks hurt me as much as me topping hurts you.”
“Um, one, no. They don’t. Me biting you every once in awhile is nothing compared to you shoving the equivalent of a beer can up my ass every day.”
Kyungsoo stops and makes a face. “Jesus Christ, Jongdae, a beer can?”
“Sorry,” he squeaks. He’d even surprised himself with that. “It was the first descriptor to come to mind.” Kyungsoo doesn’t let Jongdae speak long enough to get to point two.
“You know what, no.” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I can’t deal with this right now. We need to have a conversation about our relationship that isn’t just about our sexual incompatibilities, and if we aren’t capable of that, I think we need to break up.”
Not take a break. Break up. Tears start to well in his eyes, but amazingly, it isn’t because Jongdae is sad. He’s tired, and he’s overwhelmed, and he just wants to lay on the couch and watch shitty reality television with B- Nope! Jongdae had definitely been about to think Boyfriend, with a capital B, and he doesn’t know why he’s still trying to defend himself internally when he thinks of someone who isn’t Kyungsoo. Who fucking cares if he’s dreaming about being in a happy relationship with someone who cares about him.
It doesn’t matter anymore, not really.
He swallows. “I’ll come by tomorrow, then. To grab my things.”
Kyungsoo nods. “I can-” He cuts himself off with a sigh. “I’ll still help you take those boxes to Chapter One tomorrow.” He looks sad but not, like,… sad. “We can still be friends, Jongdae. We got along, most of the time.”
Jongdae’s already pilling kindling in his head to burn this bridge, but he will definitely need Kyungsoo’s help, so he pushes it aside for his rational thoughts to come forward. “I’m going to go, then.” He turns, and for what feels like the millionth time, he thinks that maybe Kyungsoo is going to grab his hand and pull him back.
He doesn’t.
Jongdae leaves, and doesn’t cry until he’s in his bed, cuddling his pillow and sobbing to the soundtrack of Titanic.
☆
Baekhyun’s first stop in his hometown is a hotel. His manager has booked him a suite in a place on the edge of town, with a good view of it all. He spends about five minutes in his room, throwing his suitcases and a few fan gifts he’d gotten as he’d left Seoul on the bed before he heads out, not wanting to sit down and possibly lose his determination. He doesn’t even know what he really intends to do, only that he’s got to see Jongdae in person. He steps outside his hotel and calls an Uber.
It’s really fucking exciting to be out like this.
Normally, he travels with his manager and at least one body guard (since the Skirt Incident of 2014). His hometown isn’t a huge place, so he’d gotten the okay to travel alone as long as he wears a hat and sunglasses everywhere, and doesn’t take any pictures with fans.
He’s only outside for a few minutes before his ride shows up, and he slides into the back seat, trying to leave as quickly as possible. He can’t stop moving, tapping his feet on the floor and his fingers against his thighs.
“I’m guessing you’re Minho?” The driver laughs.
Minho’s his manager’s name. He isn’t allowed to have his own profile.
“Yup!” Baekhyun says. He wants to go.
“So what are you doing in this tiny town?” The driver asks as they finally pull away from the curb.
Baekhyun already knows Chapter One is twenty minutes away. He sighs.
Five questions, two of Baekhyun’s own songs, and one long silence later, Baekhyun is dropped off in front of the bookstore that he practically grew up in.
It’s time. He’s gonna do it. He reaches for the door handle, stopping first to take off his hat and sunglasses, trying to fix his hair in the reflection of the store’s front window. He wants to be recognizable from the get go. And hot.
He opens the door, a familiar bell ringing out. It smells exactly the same as he remembers, like old books and chamomile tea. No one is at the counter, so Baekhyun heads to the middle of the store. It’s one in the afternoon on a Monday, so the store is empty of customers.
A guy is standing on a ladder, hanging up a banner advertising a Story Time for children every Tuesday and Thursday at 4 pm.
Baekhyun lets his eyes rake over the his figure. He’s tall, taller than Baekhyun, and lean. His hair is bleached a messy blond and it’s not totally even throughout, like he did it himself. He turns and smiles wide and Baekhyun feels kind of gross for not recognizing him before.
“Jongin!” He says, pretending like he hadn’t been checking out someone who had been like a brother to him. “Oh my god, you’re so tall.”
Jongin jumps off the ladder and rushes over to Baekhyun, hugging him tight. “Baekhyun! I missed you! I can’t believe you’re really here!” He pulls back to look at Baekhyun’s face, and Baekhyun is suddenly very self conscious, wearing no makeup with his hair down. “You look so good!” Is all Jongin says, before he pulls him back in for another hug.
“You too, Jongin. I love the blond.” He says as they finally pull away from each other. Jongin smells really good, like sandalwood and citrus. Jongin looks sheepish at the compliment.
“Thank you. I like it on you, too.” Jongin is smiling so hard Baekhyun thinks his face might get stuck, but Baekhyun can’t stop himself from smiling either. He should’ve come home so much earlier. His heart aches.
“Woah, what?” Baekhyun hears behind him, and turns to see a very tall stranger.
Jongin shoots Baekhyun a worried look. “Sorry, he works here, I don’t know if you only expected Jongdae and I-”
“No, it’s fine, no worries.” Baekhyun waves him off. “I’m Baekhyun.” He holds his hand out.
The stranger looks him up and down, eyes and mouth open wide. “Oh my god, I’m Chanyeol.” He stares at Baekhyun’s hand while he shakes it.
“Chanyeol, calm down or go away.” Jongin says.
“It happens.” Baekhyun shrugs.
“Can I-” Chanyeol starts, but he shakes his head. “Nevermind,” He drops to a stage whisper aimed at Jongin. “Why is Byun Baekhyun, light of my life, my one true love, no homo, in your bookstore?”
“We’re friends.” Baekhyun says.
“He’s like my brother.” Jongin says, firmly, and Baekhyun’s heart swells. He forgot how much he loves Jongin. “He was my brother, for a few years.” He laughs and Baekhyun’s blood runs cold, and he starts making promises to God about how much better he’ll be if Jongin stops talking right now, he’ll use his recycling bin and become a vegetarian-”I can’t believe Jongdae never told you he dated Baekhyun.” Baekhyun can already taste his mid-rare steak dinner.
Chanyeol’s eyebrows raise an impressive amount. He’s got real skill. “What the fuck? Like, seriously? You dated Jongdae?” He looks between Jongin and Baekhyun. “Is that a joke?”
“That’s so rude-” Jongin starts, but Chanyeol cuts him off.
“Not like that, but Jongdae said he’s only ever dated one person and-” Chanyeol’s face is eerily calm for a second before it twists into a confused look. “You went to highschool with him and Joonmyun?”
“I never met Joonmyun, he was older than me. I was friends with Taotao.” Baekhyun explains as he looks around the store. He wants to walk around and check out the new layout of the store, but he’s trapped by the conversation.
“She never mentioned you either.” Ouch. That kind of hurts, Baekhyun wasn’t expecting that. “And they all just let me rattle on about how I-” Chanyeol cuts himself off this time, and Baekhyun looks at him. “Um, I’ve got to go. Like right now. Tell Jongdae I quit.” Chanyeol’s blushing when he turns to walk through the door he’d entered from.
Jongin grabs the back of his shirt. “Come on, calm down. It’s not a big deal, I’m sure he’s seen worse things on the internet than anything you could say.” So that’s what Chanyeol had meant. “But hey, really, don’t tell anyone Baekhyun is here.”
“Can I tell Joonmyun?” It’s kind of cute, Chanyeol is actively avoiding looking at Baekhyun now. Baekhyun smiles his way. He loves fans.
“Yeah, but Baekhyun’s gonna surprise Jongdae, so be careful. Don’t tell anyone but Joonmyun, okay?” Jongin releases Chanyeol, and Chanyeol actually bows at Baekhyun. Baekhyun smiles in a way that would make his PR trainer proud, his cheeks hurt in the best way.
“It was nice to meet you I loved your last album Heaven was an amazing song okay bye.” He says in one breath before he disappears through the door once again.
“Ah, he was so cute.” Baekhyun smiles at Jongin. Jongin’s cheeks might pop, his face is one of utter joy.
“I’m so happy to see you I can’t believe it.” Jongin replies. “Have you eaten? I’ll buy you lunch.”
“So how did you meet Jongdae?” Baekhyun has to ask them. Jongin made the two guys- Joonmyun, who was shorter than Baekhyun remembered and so pretty he could’ve been an idol, and Chanyeol, the tall fan- close the store way early, even if Baekhyun had told him he didn’t mind just hanging out in the back or something. Jongin had insisted, running off to go get them all food, leaving Baekhyun behind with two strangers.
“Um, I needed a part time job.” Chanyeol’s cute, even if he’s tall and broad. Baekhyun smiles at him just to see him flush. “Jongdae hired me because I don’t need a ladder to reach the top shelves, and it was just him and Joonmyun here usually.” He’s rambly, it’s cute.
Confused, Baekhyun asks, “Jongin doesn’t work here?”
“Not during the school year, he works at a cafe one street over.” Joonmyun explains. “He hired me to replace him a while back. I actually met Jongdae during my senior year of high school, but we got really close after he graduated. He was the best man at my wedding.”
“Oh,” the photo album that brought him here, kind of. “I knew Taotao in high school. You guys are married, right?”
“Yes!” Joonmyun smiles and wow, he really could be famous. He’s easily one of the most attractive people Baekhyun’s ever seen, including himself. “We-”
“He never shuts up about it, please do your best to never bring her up.” Chanyeol says, but smiles at Joonmyun when he’s hit on the shoulder.
“If you went to high school with Taotao, you went with Jongdae. How come I didn’t know that? I should have bragging rights, right?” Joonmyun wiggles his shoulders? Weird. “I feel like I could’ve made an won some bar bets, having gone to school with you, only having one degree of separation from you.”
“Ah, I moved away sophomore year-”
Chanyeol makes a weird noise at this. “Wait, you said that on FM Date. So Jongdae was your first love?” Joonmyun stares at him.
“Dude, come on.” He says. Baekhyun wonders if he means Chanyeol recalling one thing he said once on a radio show months ago (which he’s used to), or if he means don’t ask about his love life (which he’s used to).
“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologizes but they all know he doesn’t mean it. He drops to a whisper, hand over his mouth. “But like… Was he?”
Baekhyun laughs nervously. He can’t deflect this question because Chanyeol isn’t an overeager interviewer and this is real life. Also, he’s kind of in town because he’s in love with Jongdae and needs closure. “Yeah. We dated for like four years.” Three years eight months, officially.
Chanyeol’s eyes actually sparkle. “This is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. I’m never going to skip Wolf again.”
Baekhyun can’t help the noise he makes. “Leave me alone, that won me my first award.” But he’s smiling, even if he’s a little upset, because he’s having fun. “I’m proud of that song.”
Kicking the door open, Jongin is back, juggling boxes of pizza and some beer. “Someone help me!” Joonmyun gets up and Chanyeol makes grabby hands at the beer.
Jongin passes him a beer once Joonmyun has saved the pizza, and offers one to Baekhyun. He takes it. A single beer can’t hurt him.
☆
Three hours, three 6-packs, both pizzas, and a second beer run that ended up with them buying hard liquor find Baekhyun red-faced and laughing, drunk at 4 in the afternoon.
He hasn’t been so happy in months.
They’re laughing and screaming and they’re all so loud, and Baekhyun feels like he’s known Joonmyun and Chanyeol his whole life. It feels like he never left, the way Jongin keeps smiling at him and laughing. Baekhyun’s cheeks hurt from smiling. He can’t wait to see Jongdae.
Then Jongdae comes in.
“Hey, I was walking by and noticed the store was closed- Are you all fucking drunk?” He sounds mad.
“Hi, Jongdae!” Joonmyun says. “We figured you wouldn’t mind if we closed early, we have a special guest.” He snickers.
Baekhyun feels frozen, his blood running cold. He turns to face Jongdae with a smile. “Hey-” Kyungsoo is standing right behind him, frowning. The sound of Baekhyun’s blood pulsing in his veins is replaced with nothing. He’d imagined more Kill Bill sirens than silence when he’d see Kyungsoo.
Jongdae turns on his heel and walks straight out the door he’d came, and Baekhyun’s chair falls over from how quickly he gets up. Kyungsoo looks at him, confused. “What-” Baekhyun pushes past him, towards the door Jongdae left through, but all the blood in his body rushes to his head and he stumbles into Kyungsoo. “Are you Baekhyun? Like, the singer?” Kyungsoo helps him to steady himself.
“Yes, Byun Baekhyun, prince of light and the nation’s boyfriend thank you for your support please move out of my way now.” He says because he’s going to puke, his stomach turning at seeing Jongdae again. He’s overwhelmed by how fuzzy his head is. Jongdae can’t just leave. He won’t- he isn’t allowed to leave before they even talk.
“Be careful,” Kyungsoo says. “I loved you in-” Baekhyun pushes away from Kyungsoo and is out the door and he has no idea where Jongdae went. He runs to where there used to be a spot between the cult classics and romantic horror shelves, where they used to sit and read together, but he isn’t there and neither is their hiding spot.
“Jongdae?” Baekhyun tries. He gets no answer. “Please, we need to talk.” Oh wow, he is drunk, he realizes. It’s hard to keep himself upright and it’s been a long time since he’s had this much to drink. “Please, I missed you. Can’t I at least come visit?”
“No, you can’t.” Jongdae says, but voices carry in the empty bookstore, so Baekhyun can’t place where he is exactly. He heads towards what used to be the historical fiction section (now science fantasy; it hits him again how different everything is now).
“Why not?” Baekhyun asks. He knows why. Both of them know why.
Jongdae doesn’t answer him, so Baekhyun sticks to one of the main aisles and looks to his left and right as he passes each section. He finds Jongdae by the employee favorites! shelf.
Jongdae has his face in his hands, but he doesn’t seem to be crying.
“Can-” Jongdae takes a deep breath. He’s speaking very quietly. “Can you please leave?”
Baekhyun’s heart manages to break again.
“I can’t… I can’t do this right now,” Jongdae says, and wow, his voice is quivering. Baekhyun’s pulse is back in his ears, roaring at him. He sways on his feet. “I can’t do this today, Baekhyun.” He says Baekhyun’s name like it hurts him, but Baekhyun is the one that winces.
Baekhyun swallows. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry.” Jongdae says.
“Me too.” Baekhyun walks past him, back to the front of the store, back into the break room to find no one had left.
“You okay?” Joonmyun asks but Baekhyun grabs his coat, pulls a face mask and sunglasses from the pocket and puts everything on while he heads back out the door.
“Yes, I just remembered that I have to leave right now.” He fumbles with the face mask, his fingers won’t work and he can’t tug it over his ears. He makes a frustrated noise and closes his eyes as tight as he can so that he doesn’t cry, and then someone is helping him. He opens his eyes to find Kyungsoo in front of him.
“Get home safely.” He smiles. Baekhyun hates him.
He runs outside and keeps going for as long as he can, then he goes a little longer just to be extra sure the pain moves from his heart to his lungs and his legs. Then he calls a cab. When he gets to his hotel room, he drinks the minibar.
He passes out on the floor of the hotel room.
☆
Baekhyun doesn’t ever want to wake up. Everything hurts. It’s like gearing up to debut all over again, when every part of his body hurt almost too much to move from over practicing, when he had headaches from the diets, when he slept on the floors of the practice rooms so often he’d had to see a doctor about the crick in his neck. He pulls himself up and to the bathroom to puke out all of his organs, then he takes off his clothes and crawls into the shower.
He vows for the second time in his life to stop drinking.
On the bright side, he already feels better after being sick and washing up, and when he gets out, he wraps himself in the fluffy hotel robe. He finds his phone plugged in and charging. He thanks his drunk self, and the first thing he checks are his texts from Minho.
Lee Minho
Why am I seeing fans in your area thinking they saw you running around?
Lee Minho
And I mean actually running, not just you being in the area.
Lee Minho
Call me when you get up. I can see the minibar charges.
Lee Minho
Baekhyun, call me. What did you do?
Lee Minho
If you don’t call me now I will come get you myself.
Lee Minho
Are you okay?
Lee Minho
I’ll be there shortly
Baekhyun calls him.
“What the hell happened last night?” Minho almost yells, which is especially shitty because Minho knows Baekhyun gets bad headaches when he’s hungover. Dick.
“Hi. I’m sorry.”
“What did you do?” Minho asks, again.
“I went to go see the love of my life who I haven’t actually spoken to in years, got too drunk, went for a night run, came back to my room, and got drunker. Then I passed out.”
“No,” Minho says.
“No?”
“Check your fucking Twitter. I’ll give you a second. Don’t hang up.”
Scared, Baekhyun pulls the phone away from his ear, hits speaker, then exits out of the phone app. “You didn’t delete it?” Minho has all of his passwords. He opens the Twitter.
“I didn’t see the point. You’ve already made multiple headlines.”
Byun @baekhyunee_ * 12 hours ago
Fuck love. do you know this ruined my life?The BIGGEST mistake Ive ever made was becoming an idol.why do i continue like this when i (1/5)
Baekhyun stares at the tweet. His twitter drafts contain the rest, which reveal even more about his mental state (although the hatred of idol life had only come from loneliness) which is especially not good at the moment. He deletes them before Minho can log onto his twitter and see everything.
“From your silence, I’m guessing you regret that. You had better regret that, Baekhyun. Delete it, you’re banned from social media for the next six months at least, and when you get back here I’m changing your passwords. You are so lucky you didn’t post anything else. I cannot believe-” Baekhyun hangs up on him as a reflex.
“Ahhhh.” He says. “Ahhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhh. Oh my god.” He feels sick. He feels like he’s going to be sick again. He deletes the tweet, and throws his phone before rushing after it. He makes himself check a few of the bigger newsites- Minho’s right, there he is. A disgusting little screencap of only a portion of the shit he’d meant to post, a huge mess that he would have to deal with and apologize for. He doesn’t want to look at his fan cafe, but he does, and it’s full of incredibly worried fans. He’s got three different hashtags trending about it on Twitter. Everyone is waiting for the other 4 parts, for him to come clean, to him to reveal exactly how much he hates his fame.
He posts on the fan cafe, in one of the bigger threads about his tweet instead of on his Official Posts! Board in hopes that it takes Minho longer to find.
BAEKHYUNNIE☆
I can’t express how how badly I feel about this. In a bad state of mind, I posted something I don’t mean and that I regret with my entire heart. I hope you all can forgive me. I hurt you, my Aeris, the ones who mean most to me, with my thoughtless actions. This isn’t something that I can take back easily but please know it is not my true feelings. If I lived a hundred lives, I would always come back to you.
I’m sorry to you all, who have constantly and consistently supported me. Please don’t give up on me now. I love you all, and I am sorry for hurting you.
☆Baekhyun
Nothing has ever hurt quite like the comments from sad and upset fans that flood in after, people torn between vilifying him and hoping that he’s okay.
Minho finds and deletes it within five minutes, but screenshots and translations are already on Twitter and everywhere else in the whole world so Baekhyun lays back on his bed and calls Jongdae.
“Hey?” Jongdae sounds confused and wow, his voice is even nice over the phone.
“Hey! I was wondering if you wanted to like, get some food and talk things out.”
“Um.” Jongdae says. “Sure?”
“Cool! Are you alright with just getting some pizza? If you don’t want me in your house we can chill in my hotel. Or figure something out. I just can’t be seen in public right now.” Baekhyun laughs into the phone. Shame it’s been long enough that crying on the phone to one another would be considered uncomfortable.
“Yeah, I saw… Are you okay?”
“Mine or yours?” Baekhyun says.
☆
Jongdae picks up pizza and soda on his way to Baekhyun's and Baekhyun lets him in with a smile. Talking is easy, surprisingly so, even if both their chests ache in ways neither wants to bring up, because even if they're going to Work Things Out, they've changed. They go through each other's past few years in an all night game of catch up, and Jongdae thinks it isn't falling in love again so much as sinking in it. Baekhyun is a warm familiarity, even if they don't touch beyond brushing fingers around a bottle of Coke. Jongdae spends the night on Baekhyun's floor and Baekhyun leaves him again a week later, promising for the second time in Jongdae's life that everything will work out.
Jongdae is confident that this time, it will.
☆
"So, Baekhyun, it's been a while."
"Yes, it has."
"This is your first comeback since your hiatus, how's it feeling to finally be back in action?"
"Indescribable. I can't believe how many fans there are just outside this building, let alone how many are showing up for music shows."
"Did you think we'd just up and forget Byun Baekhyun? I think you were gone too long, your head is cloudy."
Baekhyun laughs, and Jongdae turns the radio up."I think I'm finally seeing clearly- but, speaking of clouds, let's listen to one of my favorite songs off my new album, Cloud 9." Jongdae sings along.