(DAY 6: #96) THE PRICE OF FALLING (4/6)
When Yixing wakes up the next morning, something is off. He can’t quite put his finger onto it, but something is different from his normal mornings.
It’s bright outside but I can’t hear my alarm clock. Is the first thing that comes to his mind. Only then do the other impressions catch up, and he notices the smell of the room, and the feeling of both fabric and warm skin directly against his own skin.
His eyes fly open at the realization that he’s naked, with another body pressed against his and on top of that he is certainly not in his own home.
He is greeted by white, all around him. Sterile white walls, a white ceiling and white linen. When he turns his head he sees white-blond hair and suddenly everything clicks, the memories of the previous day (and night) coming back, effectively dispersing his sleepy sense of disorientation.
Yifan still seems to be fast asleep on top of Yixing’s chest, and something about the sight stops the younger’s panicking. He looks so at peace like this, that Yixing can’t even be bothered by the fact that his breathing fans across his neck at times.
He raises one hand to gently run his fingers through the elder’s hair-a gesture he finds himself doing quite often as of lately-and Yifan sighs contently in his sleep. A fond smile grazes Yixing’s features and suddenly it’s only them again in their own little world. That is until Yixing hears a knock on the door and his heart drops into his gut because suddenly he remembers what a compromising position they are in, and that they are in a room in the hospital. A hospital where quite a few nurses should be roaming the hallways already at this time in the morning.
A thousand thoughts run through his mind, most of them concerned with how he could possibly get out of this position as discreetly as possible, with as few people noticing as he can manage. His clothes are still strewn across the floor. If he wakes Yifan up and they both get dressed Yixing can slip out and claim that he stayed longer after the night shift because Yifan couldn’t sleep and so Yixing offered to keep him company and-
His brain comes to an abrupt stop when the door handle is pushed down, and the door swings open with a croak. “Now now, Fanfan, why would you close the door on us? It’s time for-“ Jongdae enters the room, chatting away happily-and none too quietly-and he freezes as soon as his eyes meet Yixing’s.
The younger looks downright shell-shocked, as if his brain can’t quite catch up to the sight. His eyes shortly dart down, taking in the clothes strewn on the floor and then back up to where Yifan has started to stir in his position on Yixing’s chest.
Yixing is pretty sure that his own face is about as red as Jongdae’s, which is pretty red, and the shocked nurse turns around and closes the door, probably to prevent the rest of the hospital staff from catching a view of Yifan and Yixing as well.
“Oh my god, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…intrude, I guess. Gosh. I mean, I didn’t know there was something to intrude on in the first place, but-yes, no, I’m sorry,” he rambles, shock having made way to embarrassment as far as Yixing can tell.
It’s in that moment that Yifan wakes up, looking at Yixing in puzzlement at first-pretty much the same confusion present on his features that Yixing himself experienced upon waking-but his expression quickly changes into one of realization before his eyes widen in shock.
A small voice inside Yixing’s head joyously notes that Yifan is back to being normal, for now at least, but the joy is short-lived before the situation they’re currently demands his full attention again.
Yifan’s head whips around to look at Jongdae, who’s still muttering senselessly-mostly to himself-and then the elder tries to create distance between him and Yixing by rolling off the smaller’s body.
The only problem is that the hospital beds aren’t made for accommodating more than one person, and in their current position Yifan sadly doesn’t have any room to move into.
Yixing notices the movement in the last minute, his hand immediately darting out to grab Yifan’s arm. “Watch out-!” his warning is cut off when he has to prevent Yifan’s body weight from slipping off the mattress. Instead the elder falls back into the position he started in, lying half on Yixing.
Jongdae, alerted by the noises and Yixing’s voice turns to throw a glance over his shoulder, but at the sight of naked skin he immediately faces away from them again, being startled back into motion. “I’m-I’ll-” he clears his throat, “I better go.”
And just like that, the younger is out of the door, leaving behind an awkward silence.
Yixing looks at the door for a moment, brain still trying to process what just happened. Only when Yifan shifts on his chest does Yixing’s gaze wander down to the other male, and they both still when their eyes meet.
It’s the moment between one breath and the next where they look at each other, as if they share some sort of understanding. Then their proximity registers Yixing-and their equal state of undress-and embarrassment drives a blush to his cheeks.
Yifan flushes in a similar manner, and they avert their gazes as the same time. Simultaneously Yifan sits up-successfully this time as he takes limited space available into account this time, swinging his legs to dangle from the side of the bed, his back facing Yixing. With the other no longer pinning down his body, the younger mirrors the movement, turning to sit on his side of the bed as well.
“I should go after Jongdae,” Yixing eventually says when the silence gets too much to bear, and stands up to gather his clothes and get dressed. The small surge of pain that shoots through/up his back is unexpected, and he gasps in surprise as he stumbles a little, but he catches himself quickly enough. The reminder of the night’s activities let his cheeks burn even more-if that’s even possible.
He considers quickly healing himself, but when he collects his clothing off the floor he discovers that walking itself isn’t that difficult. Only bending down is a movement his back doesn’t seem to like.
Somehow Yixing manages to get dressed in record time nonetheless. Yifan remains silent throughout the whole time, and from the lack of other noises in the room but his own dressing Yixing reasons that the other is motionless as well.
“I’ll… see you around,” Yixing awkwardly says by means of taking his leave, and he only casts a passing glance at the blond before he is out of the door.
See you around? Really?! Yixing feels the urgent need to either claw off his face in embarrassment or cry in frustration. Well, I guess things couldn’t have gotten much more awkward.
Refusing to let himself be consumed by the regrets concerning the proceedings of the morning, Yixing instead squares his shoulders as he rushes down the hallway to look for Jongdae. There are a ton of things that need an explanation, and even though Yixing isn’t even sure whether he himself knows what exactly has happened between him and Yifan, he doesn’t hesitate to grab Jongdae by the wrist to draw him through the first door that comes into view.
The nurse lets out a surprised grunt, but doesn’t resist the pull. They end up crowded closely together in one of the supply rooms, but the space is well enough for Yixing’s purpose. After all it offers the privacy the elder was looking for.
It’s not what it looks like is at the tip of his tongue, but he swallows the words down. They aren’t in school anymore. Of course it’s exactly what it looked like. Clothes strewn all over the floor, him cuddling with Yifan-there is only one conclusion Jongdae can have drawn from the sight and it is the correct one.
Yixing frantically grapples for the right words to explain the situation in a reasonable way, but in his flustered rush to justify the sight Jongdae had walked in on the half-sentences he starts don’t even make sense to his own ears. Jongdae simply waits until Yixing grows silent all by himself, shutting his mouth in the hope of sorting his thoughts out before he attempts again. When the elder looks up at the nurse, he sees that the other’s expression has shifted from being embarrassed to a smug-looking half smirk.
“So, you and Fanfan, huh?” Jongdae says, a teasing lilt to his voice, and Yixing thinks about how he should have seen this coming. The other’s behaviour back in Yifan’s room had been highly untypical either way. Jongdae is a jokester by nature, and it takes a lot to throw him off-track. Seeing his coworker in bed with a patient apparently does fulfill the criteria.
Now, however, the younger seems to have returned to his usual mischievousness again, if the glimmer in his eyes is anything to go by. “I mean, not as if I didn’t see it coming with how much time the two of you have been spending together,” the younger continues, taking obvious delight in seeing the colour of Yixing’s cheeks darken. “Some handsome lover you got yourself there.”
Yixing splutters, trying to say something, anything at all when he doesn’t even know if he should deny Jongdae’s words, and if yes, which part exactly. “It’s not what you think it is,” he eventually blurts out, and it’s only slightly better than having said It’s not what it looks like.
But Jongdae doesn’t dwell on the empty phrase, instead raising one eyebrow. “So you only decided to … ‘release a bit of tension’ together? No strings attached?”
“Wha-we-no! I-I mean-“ Yixing stutters and curses himself for how his own language is refusing to cooperate. Taking a deep breath, he admits, “I don’t know.”
“Hey, I won’t judge you or anything. You two have fun.” He declares, a lopsided smile on his features and his hands raised to showcase harmlessness. “But just so you know, I won’t be changing Yifan’s sheet anymore. If the both of you want to create a mess you will have to take care of cleaning it up yourself as well.”
“Jongdae!” Yixing means to sound reprimanding with a touch of indication, but his voice comes out as a cross between a gasp and a whine instead.
The elder wishes the ground would just swallow him whole. He didn’t ever expect he’d have to have such a conversation with a coworker, but he reasons that out of everyone who could have walked in on them, Jongdae is still the best option. Junmyeon would probably have had an heart attack on the spot. The mere thought of his boss discovering him and Yifan like that already makes Yixing cringe. Taking a deep breath the healer composes himself.
“Can you please keep this to yourself?” He looks at Jongdae imploringly. “At least until Yifan and I have sorted things out between the two of us.”
Something in Jongdae’s face softens, and the teasing edge slips from his demeanour. “You don’t even need to ask, of course I will. And there’s also no need to explain yourself to me or anything. This is your business. I want you to be happy.”
“Thanks,” Yixing says, returning the younger’s gentle smile and suddenly a sense of calmness settles in his bones.
“Just, please be careful,” the nurse continues, taking a step closer to place his hand on Yixing’s upper arm. “There’s probably no one here who knows more about Yifan’s situation than you do. Just take care that you know what you’re getting yourself into. I really don’t want to see you hurt in the end.”
The words remind Yixing of what Luhan told a while back, when they sat in the kitchen together over a cup of green tea in the middle of the night. Now these words might be truer than ever, Yixing muses, but he feels as if it’s too late already for him to pull himself out.
---
Yixing restrains himself from going to see Yifan for the whole morning, and some part of the noon, instead busying himself with his usual string of patients. While he’s healing, his mind is focused on the task at hand, but in between patients it inevitably strays.
He mentally goes through a million possible scenarios of how to approach Yifan, what to say, what to do. First and foremost he debates with himself what the last night meant.
When he went along with Yifan’s touches the previous night he at first still told himself that he was doing it for Yifan’s sake, that he was letting the elder have an outlet when he seemed to need one. That is a delusion he couldn’t hold onto for long however. There is something about Yifan that makes Yixing’s heart pick up its speed, that draws him to the blond and him lose sleep at night. He has seen the other as attractive right from the beginning, but he never allowed himself to follow that train of thought.
Now he doesn’t have any choice but to consider it.
And yet Yixing feels wholly unprepared when he heads for Yifan’s room. Despite having spent the whole time since the morning thinking about what to say, his head is blown empty the moment he tentatively steps through the door frame, pulling the door shut behind him.
Yifan is sitting on his bed, legs folded beneath him and a sketch pad in his hands. When he looks up and spots Yixing, a hint of surprise flashes in his eyes and he immediately stops working, instead scrambling to put his drawing utensils away to face the healer.
“Hey,” Yixing greets the blond, an uncertain smile playing on his lips. Usually Yixing would have dropped by Yifan in time for lunch or something similar, but they haven’t seen each other at all since the morning.
“Hey,” Yifan replies, looking as unsure about what to do as Yixing’s feeling.
Awkward silence follows where Yixing simply stands there, debating on whether he should stay at the door to talk, or move into the room. Sit on Yifan’s bed or on a chair beside it?
What are we? Teenagers? he mentally scolds himself, because he knows he’s acting ridiculous. They both are.
He heaves a sigh that he hopes is too silent for the other to hear, before lifting his gaze to fully face the other male. “We need to talk.”
Yifan nods, and scoots a bit back on his bed, a clear invitation for Yixing to join him.
“So…,” Yixing starts as soon as he has taken a seat opposite of the elder, his legs crossed to mirror Yifan’s position, but his voice trails off. The words still refuse to form an order in his mind that sounds even remotely eloquent, but Yifan stays silent, so Yixing decides to just cut right to the chase. “So did it… mean something? Or was it a one time thing?”
Yifan looks slightly uncomfortable, fidgeting with his hands in his lap and avoiding looking directly at Yixing, rather focusing on a point somewhere at Yixing’s feet.
“I-” the elder starts, before halting as if to sort his thoughts again. “I’m sorry for yesterday.”
The words make something cold shoot through Yixing’s veins, something akin to shock and the pain of rejection. Ah, so you did want it to mean something, his brain unhelpfully supplies.
You don’t need to apologize, he wants to say. You didn’t force yourself onto me or anything, but the words get stuck in his throat.
When he doesn’t reply Yifan eventually looks up. There must be something in Yixing’s expression that gives the dejection he’s feeling away because Yifan’s eyes widen in shock. “No, that’s not what I meant by that! I don’t mean that I regret it or anything. It did mean something to me!” He exclaims, waving his arms frantically around as if the gesture helps with getting his message across. “It meant way too much.” He adds more silently, letting his arms fall down to his sides again.
“…Too much?” Yixing echoes, tilting his head slightly to the side in confusion.
This time it’s Yifan’s turn to heave a sigh. “I didn’t want you to know. But yesterday-I simply couldn’t stop myself anymore. You were there…”
And that’s when it clicks with Yixing. The nervous gesture, the avoidance of direct eye contact-Yifan isn’t trying to figure out how to tell Yixing is was a one time thing, he’s simply being insecure.
All of a sudden Yixing loses all of his own nervousness. It’s strange but the knowledge that Yifan isn’t going to tell him that he was just an outlet for tension, that he was nothing more than a random person who was available at the right time, lifts the weight that had been pressing down on his chest. Does that mean Yifan feels something as well?
With newfound resolution, Yixing scoots forward, making Yifan look up in surprise at the sudden proximity. Where before there was the whole length of the bed between them, they now aren’t even an arm’s length away from each other. If Yixing wanted to, he could have splayed his hand against Yifan’s cheek from this position, but he refrains himself from doing so.
“I don’t regret it either, Yifan. It just makes me wonder…”
Caution flashes through Yifan’s eyes, together with a weakly concealed glimmer of hope. The elder watches Yixing expectantly, waiting for the other to continue. “What are we?” the younger asks, looking questioningly at Yifan. “I mean, are we even something?”
For a moment Yifan looks conflicted, as if he wants to answer but something is stopping him from voicing it. “I want us to be something,” he eventually admits, and it sounds as if it took him a lot of strength to say so. An unvoiced “but” is hanging in the air between them as Yifan breaks eye contact, fumbling with his fingers again before he continues. “But you deserve someone better than me who can’t even leave this building.”
Yixing is rendered speechless for a moment. Yifan never showed any signs of being this insecure about the limits the absence of his powers put on him. On bad days he doesn’t seem to care about pretty much anything or anyone around him, and on the good days he usually grins with optimism.
Sure, Yifan hasn’t set foot out of the hospital building since he was admitted because if even the sight of the scenery from his window can already trigger bad episodes, neither of them wanted to find out what a trip outside might result in. It has never once made Yixing think poorly of Yifan, however. Then again they never talked about anything like this, so perhaps Yifan simply doesn’t know.
“But I don’t want someone else,” the younger silently says, gently taking hold of Yifan’s chin to move the other’s head up, forcing him to meet Yixing’s eyes. “I also want us to be something.”
Without waiting for Yifan’s reaction he leans forward, deciding that he’s been hesitant and in denial for long enough. Their lips meet half-way, meaning that Yifan has leaned in as well. The kiss feels as if it’s their first one, all slow, tentative and cautious, gentle and full of unvoiced emotions.
Yixing wonders when exactly he fell for Yifan, and when the elder fell for him, but he can’t help feeling that he has found the person he’s meant to be with, in the unlikely surroundings of a hospital.
---
They both decide that the “something” they want to be is called “dating,” or at least in the beginning, before they think about calling it a “relationship”.
It is a weird concept, Yixing muses as he spends longer than usual getting ready in the morning, to “date” Yifan, who’s technically still a patient of his and living at his work place. After he messes up his hair for the fifth time just to brush it down and start over again he heaves a sigh and shakes his head at his own ridiculousness. There’s no need to fuzz about this more than normal, nothing has really changed.
Except that things have changed, against Yixing’s initial beliefs. It’s not so much about the amount of time he spends with Yifan, or the routine in their everyday life. Rather it’s the way Yifan smiles at Yixing with unrestrained fondness, and Yixing finally notices how much the sight makes his heartbeat pick up, now that he no longer has to stay in denial.
It’s the way they gravitate towards each other, even more so than before, brushing their hands together or pressing soft kisses to foreheads and temples. They go on “dates” too, which essentially means them meeting up all over the hospital; in the staff room, the hospital’s cafeteria, even in other empty rooms that aren’t Yifan’s. The elder claims that it makes their dates more realistic. After all he can’t have Yixing come to his “home” all the time when they have only just started dating.
“We’ll only end up in bed all the time whenever you come over,” the elder jokes with a lopsided grin, and it has Yixing answer with a roll of his eyes.
“That’s because your bed is the only remotely comfortable seat in your room.”
“No, Xing, it’s because I’m irresistible,” Yifan retorts, and he looks so smugly pleased with himself that Yixing leans in to shut him up with a kiss-of course rolling his eyes again, just for good measure.
“Perhaps,” he acquiesces, in favour of connecting their lips again and is very pleased when Yifan doesn’t feel the need to say anything else, instead splaying his hands against Yixing’s hips.
Okay, perhaps he’s right about the ending in bed thing.
---
It’s been an inside joke between the staff members since forever that it is only a question of time until Yixing would move into the hospital. He’s been known for notoriously working overtime, staying later than most and usually coming in earlier as well.
He, just as anyone else, would have never thought that that would really happen one day though.
But it is probably the most accurate description, that Yixing has essentially moved in. In the first two weeks he still goes home regularly, but as weeks go by he finds that he spends way more nights at the hospital, curled together with Yifan in the elder’s hospital bed.
Knowing what it’s like to have a warm chest to rest his head on, and to smell the comforting scent of the blond, Yixing’s own bed turns out to simply be too cold, too big and too lonely. There’s really nothing appealing about it, and so Yixing only returns to get fresh clothes, or to tend to his plants, before returning back to the hospital in time for the night.
During his free afternoons, if they aren’t on a “date”, they have established the habit of just sitting together to read. Yifan has been reading a lot, reading and drawing, in order to busy himself with something, and Yixing has brought the elder enough novel’s to fill the small cupboard by his bedside and a shelf in the staff room. Yixing enjoys their reading sessions, a lot. It means that they’re both huddled up to one another, Yixing sitting half on Yifan’s laps around his shoulders, holding a book up in front of both of them.
The smaller can bask in their proximity, the soothing baritone of Yifan’s voice in his ear he feels every word the elder speaks as a soft vibration against his back. More often than not Yixing falls asleep against the comfortable warmth of Yifan’s chest, but the elder never complains about it. On the contrary, usually when Yixing wakes up again the elder is still reading, but he has shifted so that the younger can rest more comfortably.
For every apology Yixing voices about having fallen asleep in the middle of the story he gets a soft kiss pressed into his hair or on his lips. It’s really all the more reason for Yixing to not resist sleep when it claims him, and to keep on apologizing even when the elder says there’s no need at all to apologize.
But as elated as Yixing feels about dating Yifan, he can’t stop reality from crashing down on him regularly.
The first reminder comes in the form of Junmyeon.
The hospital owner doesn’t tell Yixing anything about relationships between members of the staff and patients being forbidden, or how there should be “no sex at the workplace”-which, Yixing realizes in embarrassment, fits for him and Yifan in the most literal sense. No, Junmyeon doesn’t talk to Yixing from an employer’s perspective, but rather as a worried friend, and perhaps that’s even worse.
He uses similar words to the ones both Jongdaeand Luhan have used, and the healer would assume that they had conferred, if he hadn’t been asking himself similar questions as well. “Are you sure about this?” the elder eventually asks with serious eyes after having told Yixing to be careful, to remember Yifan’s condition and that they hadn’t been able to help the blond any so far.
“I am,” Yixing says.
What he means is I care about him too much already either way.
The second reminder comes in the form of Yifan having bad days.
They proceed a little different than they did before Yifan and Yixing started dating because unlike earlier, where he’d just sit at Yifan’s bedside to talk to him for hours on end, Yixing now worms his way under the blankets beside Yifan. He still talks to him in a hushed voice, but in addition to that he also runs his fingers through the elder’s hair, presses soothing kisses against his cheek or simply winds his arms around the other in a hug. Just reassuring Yifan that he’s not alone in this, that Yixing is there with him.
Or perhaps he’s just reminding Yifan that there is a reason why he isn’t allowed to let himself be consumed by the desire to fly.
Without any exception, they always fall asleep together when Yifan has bad days because Yixing would never dare to leave the other alone like that.
---
It's in the dead of the night, when they lie together like this, that Yifan's whisper cuts through the room.
"Sometimes I wish to go to the highest mountain, or highest building I can find, and jump down from it," he whispers into soft brown hair, the confession of a secret under the protective veil of darkness.
Yixing shivers at his words, wishing that Yifan doesn’t notice the motion, but he's pressed infinitely close to the taller’s body; there is no way Yifan doesn't catch it.
"I wonder if my powers just need the right... incentive, so to speak. A kick-start," Yifan continues as Yixing stays silent. His arms tighten around the younger and when he starts talking again, his voice almost sounds detached. "And sometimes I wonder if it doesn't matter if my powers would reappear or not. At least I would get to fly one last time."
There is this longing, this melancholy in Yifan's voice, and it cuts right through Yixing's heart because it painfully reminds him of the words he has been trying to forget. He clenches his eyes shut, as if that way he could stay in denial, pretend Yifan is perfectly fine, perfectly happy, not broken.
He feels as if his hands should leave bruises on Yifan's back for how desperately he holds on, how deeply he digs them into the taller's skin. It's almost impossible for Yixing to press himself even closer to the elder's chest, but he does, nose pressing against Yifan's collarbones.
It takes him a few, embarrassingly shuddering breaths to collect himself, to keep the guilt at being unable to help Yifan at bay. "I am sorry," he eventually says because he feels the need to say something, but he honestly can't think of anything better.
Yifan exhales, and the younger feels it as a gust of air brushing over his hair.
"Me too," he whispers.
---
Yixing has been putting off talking about it and he knows it. Two whole months have passed since he discovered the book, and if Yifan has noticed how Yixing has stopped looking for methods to heal him just as intently, he hasn’t said anything about it.
In a way, Yixing regrets keeping his findings from Yifan, for multiple reasons. For one a secret gets harder to reveal the longer it is kept, and on top of that the healer can’t help wondering whether Yifan might have had a better chance at improving his condition if he knew what it is that he is fighting.
So one afternoon he gathers all his courage. Usually Yixing humours Yifan, meeting up with taller wherever he wants, but this afternoon he insists on them staying in Yifan’s room. The elder looks at him a bit worried when Yixing is adamant, but agrees without questioning the healer’s motives nonetheless.
They end up on Yifan’s bed-of course they do-sitting beside each other with their backs up against the headboard. In the silence of the room Yixing busies himself with playing with the blond’s hand, and Yifan lets him, concluding that there must be something on Yixing’s mind.
“I have to tell you something,” Yixing eventually pipes up, and he feels Yifan tense immediately. Turning so he can face the other he grips his hand tighter, in a way that’s supposed to be reassuring. “It’s not about us, I don’t want to break up or anything. I’m happy about being with you, I really am.”
Yifan’s features soften, the look of fondness the younger has gotten used to creeping into the other’s eyes. Looking at it is almost too hard for what Yixing has to say next, but he doesn’t allow himself to face away.
He’s feeling guilty for keeping Yifan in the dark, and he has to let the other know that he didn’t do it with malicious intent, that he knows he is in the wrong for keeping something that concerns Yifan from the male himself.
“What I have to tell you…,” he starts again, taking a deep breath to steel himself for what he’s about to say. Or rather for Yifan’s reaction. “…is about you.”
The elder looks at him with a raised eyebrow, but Yixing can feel the tension that had just dissipated from the taller’s body seep back in. Yixing expected as much-there is pretty much only one topic that the healer could possibly have to talk about that is concerning Yifan, but not related to their relationship.
Seeing how Yifan visibly fights the uncertainty, forcedly keeping his eyes from becoming guarded, Yixing feels his stomach flip, in a way that makes him feel slightly sick. The other is trusting him, no matter how little the taller might want to deal with his own state. It should make Yixing feel better to see that the other trusts him so much but it only ends up making him feel worse.
He’s caught between sidling closer to Yifan, to use his physical presence as anchor, or creating more distance between them, pulling away so that he doesn’t force his proximity on Yifan if the elder should not want it anymore after the things Yixing has to confess.
It’s a short inner turmoil but he’s still very reluctant when he has to let go of Yifan’s hand. Just to make sure that the elder doesn’t doubt that Yixing was being serious when he said that he didn’t have any second-thoughts about their relationship he gives it a tight squeeze before retracting his fingers.
Yifan looks at him with visible confusion painted on his features nonetheless when Yixing breaks their physical contact nonetheless, but the younger resists the urge to resume their old position, instead sitting up properly with his legs folded beneath him, facing Yifan. The blond sits up a little straighter as well, his features drawn into the hint of a thoughtful frown. He musters Yixing with a gaze that the younger can’t quite decipher.
“I’m sorry.” Yixing feels as if apologizing is all he has been doing as of lately for how familiar the words feel on his tongue. “I should have told you this earlier, and it was stupid of me not to. This is about you, and therefore you, out of all people, have a right to know. I was just scared how you would react to it, and perhaps I was in denial, because if no one but me knew about it I could pretend it’s not true, or not there, and just-“
He knows he’s rambling, and that he’s still avoiding getting to the point, but his mouth is simply running away with him as if his brain is still trying to put off having to tell Yifan about the madness that stems from the void.
It’s the taller’s hand, gently placed on his forearm that gets him to shut up and stop the meaningless torrent of words falling from his mouth. “It’s okay Yixing. You don’t need to apologize, just tell me,” he says. Yifan looks strangely composed, as if the brunette’s nervousness has made him become calmer.
The situation is all wrong, Yixing muses. He is supposed to be the calm one, the strong one for Yifan to lean on, not the other way round. He should support the other, not be the one who is supported-and yet, the touch is comforting, and forces the healer’s thoughts to realign in a way that makes sense.
“A while ago, I found a book,” he starts anew, this time with a serious expression and unwavering eyes, even though he still tries to keep his expression soft. “A book about power wielders, and for the most part it just contains all the information that you can find in any arbitrary book, which isn’t much. But there was one chapter about, let’s say, ‘tampering’ with powers.”
He studies Yifan to look for his reaction, but the taller just keeps on watching him intently, urging him to go on with a slight nod. The words feel like sandpaper in his throat but he forces them out.
“The book also talked about the void you described to. To be exact, it stated that in all known cases, taking someone’s powers is tantamount to taking a piece of their self, and that sooner or later it drives the person who lost their power into madness.” Unable to face Yifan any longer, Yixing averts his eyes before telling the other of the last detail in a silent voice. “There are no known survivors because when the pull got too strong, they all eventually committed suicide.”
Silence follows his words, and Yixing studies Yifan’s hands, as if they would reveal what the other is thinking, how he’s taking the information, without having to actually look him in the face. But Yifan remains completely unmoving, and Yixing hears his own heartbeat loudly pounding in his ears from how tense he is.
When he has yet to gain a reaction from the other, Yixing dares lifting his gaze to meet Yifan’s eyes. It almost seems as if he was waiting for Yixing to make eye-contact because as soon as the healer’s facing him, he lets out a soft “Oh.”
The sound trails off, and Yifan looks utterly lost for a moment, too many emotions reflected in his grey orbs for Yixing to be able to decipher them. It is quite some information to take in, the healer understands that.
“And it’s just some book, it’s not the ultimate truth. Just because it’s written there like this doesn’t mean that matters have to happen like that. It was explicitly stated that there could be exceptions,” the younger is quick to reassure, feeling the need to make his previous statements sound less final, less unforgiving.
“Yixing,” the elder says, making the healer shut up once more. “It’s okay. You don’t need to worry.”
The words don’t make any sense to Yixing, because why is Yifan the one telling him? Shouldn’t the words come from his mouth? He’s even more surprised when suddenly there are hands grabbing him, drawing him forward against Yifan’s chest before arms circle around his waist to hold him close.
“These are just books, and words. I’m not gonna be like that,” Yifan’s voice comes from right above his ear, and only then does Yixing realize that there are tears swimming in his eyes.
Stupid, he scolds himself, because he had promised himself to not show any such weaknesses in front of Yifan. Just talking about it isn’t allowed to overwhelm me like that.
He promises himself in that moment to not cry about Yifan’s situation because tears don’t change anything. On the contrary, they might put more pressure on Yifan, and that’s the last thing Yixing could want. It doesn’t change the fact that Yixing allows himself to hug Yifan back tightly in that moment, his hands gripping even tighter when he feels how shaky Yifan’s hands on his back are.
“Yes, sometimes the longing is almost too much, and I feel as if I can’t think straight anymore because of it. It’s hard to resist, tiring, but I won’t be like those who aren’t able to live with the void. I’m stronger than that,” Yifan continues, and towards the end Yixing can’t tell whether the words are directed at him or if the elder’s telling them to himself. “I don’t want to die, Yixing, so I’ll fight to stay alive.”
Yes. Yixing thinks, because he doesn’t trust his vocal chords. You have to fight it. And I’ll be here to help you with that.
Instead of answering anything, Yixing just presses himself closer to Yifan, feeling relieved despite everything.
There is hope.
---
Yifan is the one to first suggest it, taking Yixing off-guard.
“I can’t be cooped up here forever.” He explains when the brunette looks at him with wide eyes. “Better try to get used to the outside world again.”
It is a reasonable proposition, Yixing reasons, so he nods, even though something settles in the pit of his stomach at the thought of taking Yifan outside that could either be just nervousness or plain fear. They had their reasons for keeping Yifan inside, the sight of the open sky over his head perhaps too tempting, but Yixing reasons it’s not his place to decide.
He cautions Yifan, tells him that they’ll only take this in slow steps, and as soon as it gets too painful they’ll immediately return to the hospital. The elder listens to all of Yixing’s concerns diligently before gently placing his hand against Yixing’s cheek.
The brunette leans into the touch by reflex, and marvels a little at how Yifan’s hand can cover almost half his face. “I’ll be fine, Xing,” he says, but Yixing still catches the glimmer of insecurity in his eyes. Yifan is trying to put on a strong front so that the smaller won’t worry, but Yixing doesn’t call him out on it.
It isn’t fine, of course. The closer they get to the entrance doors of the hospital the more Yifan tenses, but when Yixing asks him whether he wants to stop the other vehemently denies, insisting on them continuing.
The moment they step outside, Yifan’s gaze immediately wanders up, towards the sky, as if it’s the only motion he’s capable off. It’s night, and out in the rural area of the hospital the sky is a vast, dark blue cloth dotted with millions of stars. It’s quite the beautiful sight, as would be the fascination on Yifan’s face, if Yixing didn’t know everything he did.
He’s never before seen Yifan look like this, fascination, admiration and elation swimming together in his eyes. But he also sees the longing, the blond’s mouth half open as if he is caught in middle of a sentence, but the sight made the rest of it get stuck in his throat.
They are outside for less than five minute before Yifan suddenly grits his teeth together and closes his eyes, hurrying back to the hospital doors with Yixing right on his heels. The elder walks until the entrance doors have disappeared from their sight, then he slumps against a wall and slides down onto the floor. His eyes clenched shut he fists his hands into his own shirt. When Yixing bends down, worried beyond words that this was a mistake and they just worsened Yifan’s condition, he can hear the other’s heavy breathing, as if he just ran a marathon.
He automatically falls into his usual routine of soothing Yifan through one of his attacks, calming words and touches and easing the other back out from the world where there’s nothing but him and the void. The other calms down quicker than he usually does, assuring the younger that he’s okay, even when the hands that grab Yixing’s arms are still shaking and Yifan is visibly fighting to control his breathing.
Nonetheless, Yifan insists that they keep on trying, and Yixing has no other choice but to go along with it. Going outside with Yifan is dangerous, and Yixing knows, but it gets better, bit by bit. After a week they’re at the point where they can take short walks without Yifan being triggered too badly, but that doesn’t mean the other enjoys the time outside. It’s a visible strain on him, Yixing can tell. As soon as they leave the building, the taller falls silent, as if he’s in deep concentration. Yixing makes up for that by talking a mile a minute, about everything and anything, really, even if the other stops responding.
Anything to keep Yifan’s mind occupied.
He holds Yifan's hand in a tight grip, tighter than what must be comfortable, but Yifan reciprocates just as hard.
Don't long for the sky, Yixing wants to tell him with his touch. Don't long to go somewhere I can't follow you. Stay here on the ground with me.
( Part 5)