Picking up the Pieces, 9: A Difficult Discussion
Title: Picking up the Pieces
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
And it's peaceful in the deep/Cathedral where you cannot breathe/No need to pray, no need to speak/Now I am under/And it's breaking over me/A thousand miles onto the sea bed/Found the place to rest my head
*~*~*
Time had seemed to slow down, allowing me to hear the unsteady thump of my heart, the soft rasp of my breath against my throat, and the light rain drops spattering the windows. Jake watched me silently, his gaze assessing as I backed up to let him in.
There are always random little moments that are just imprinted in your mind forever. The way Jake stood in the doorway, filling it with his size and musculature, was one of them. He looked so right there yet so out of place.
In the kitchen, I leaned against the counter, trying to tell myself to calm down. It wasn't really working, but at least I was maintaining a calm demeanor. That was saying something.
"You said the idea of your death was the Cullen's idea," Jake finally said.
I glanced up at him and after a brief pause, I nodded. "Yes, it was originally their idea."
"And you went along with it."
I bristled. "I didn't want to, but yes, I did. It felt like the only way to keep everyone I cared about safe."
"Well, we both know how I feel about that. What I really want to know is what happened with you and the leech. How did it come to this?" he asked, leaning back against the wall, his face remote.
I never really talked about Edward with anyone; it didn't feel right or comfortable discussing all that happened in our relationship. I loved Jake too much right from the beginning, intimacy made things difficult, and my life was sheltered and lonely even with the Cullen's there. Essentially, I had grown up. The strain of a life not lived weighed me down and it was made worse when my death was faked. I missed my family, Forks, and didn't know when I would see them again, if ever. It had created irreconcilable differences in our relationship.
Jake had been watching me closely while I considered what to say. "You're still in love with him." It wasn't a question.
Irritation curled in my stomach. My eyes narrowed as I stared back at him. "Why would I have left if I was still in love with him? Don't assume, Jake, you know what that makes you."
He just shook his head. "So, be honest with me. Don't I deserve that after everything you found out lately? You say you missed me, try to seduce me, say you're sorry, you didn't know… well, how about just telling me what the fuck happened when you were so goddamn certain he was your forever."
His voice had risen. He was struggling with his temper.
My cheeks were hot at the reminder of my pathetic attempt at seducing him. And my own temper was flaring up quite a bit. I had never used to have such a temper, but apparently now I did. I was trying to rein it in, but it surprised me with its intensity. I barely understood why until he pushed me enough to explode.
He moved closer to me and kissed me.
My body alternated between raging hot and an icy anger as he pinned me against the counter with his body. His dark eyes were practically sparking as they connected with mine. The only sound above the rushing in my ears was my ragged breathing; the only thing I could feel was the erratic thump of his heart against my palms. What was he doing?
When his lips touched mine, it ignited a long dormant feeling in my chest. His big hand cupped the back of my head while his full lips urged mine to open. The kiss was hot, very nearly angry in its force.
I was aware of his thighs pressing against mine, his other hand pulling me up higher. My hand fisted his shirt, not sure whether to hold on for dear life or push him away. There was a rush of feeling from my limbs that arrowed down between my thighs, disturbing me.
There had been pretty strong feelings when we had kissed prior to my leaving Forks, but it was nothing like this.
My mouth opened and allowed him access. His tongue found mine, and I bit back a whimper. As he angled his head, his mouth demanded more and more from me, draining me with its intensity. When he finally released me, his lips brushed against my ear and he whispered, "Apparently forever isn't so long, is it?"
It didn't matter how mild it was; that derisive tone was lurking under the surface.
I placed both palms against his chest and shoved him back. I knew I never would have been able to move him, but the surprise on his face had him at least taking a step back as if I did.
"Don't treat me like a child," I said, my voice shaking with anger.
"Well, why don't you explain…?"
I cut him off, feeling the dam break.
"We are all aware of mistakes I made, Jacob Black, but I have never once held back in how sorry I was for hurting everyone. Do you think it was easy for me to come back to begin with? I left Alaska knowing things were ruined with Edward. I made the trek back and was scared of how to deal with everyone, but I did. Not only that, but I stuck around even after I found out what I inadvertently did to everyone here."
My heart was pounding, and I felt sick. My voice had risen and I was yelling.
"I thought you knew me better than that. I would never intentionally hurt someone."
"You led me on over and over, Bella," he snapped back. "You kept saying one thing, but doing another. I was sixteen! How the hell else should I have taken that? I made mistakes with you as well, but one of the reasons I was so hard on you was because I wanted you to live!And you threw that back into my face!" His voice practically exploded on the last word.
"In the end, I chose to live!" My voice was getting higher and higher the more upset I got. Tears were imminent.
"You have no idea how suffocated I felt when I was there, how much I wished I had thought things through. I had to struggle with decisions, was angry with him because of what he couldn't fully give me, I very nearly cheated on him, and all I could think about was my family and how I didn't want to be a vampire! I was so damn isolated and lonely and all we did was fight."
Everything was shaking now as my vision blurred. "I was so sick and tired of being treated like a fragile piece of glass. And most of all, I was fed up with being treated like I was a fucking child!"
My voice shattered into a scream just as the glass shattered against the wall.
Dazed, I stared at the broken shards of glass, not understanding how it had happened. Had I thrown that? One brief look at Jake told me.
We were both stunned into silence.
"What about Lila?" The whisper barely made it out.
Jake looked at me for a second as if I were a stranger. He had looked shocked, but now it was replaced with a cool blankness. He moved toward me, leaned down, sending my already shaky nerve-endings into another spasm as he bent toward my ear.
"We ended it."
Charlie burst into the door a moment later, and I moved in slow motion to look at him. It looked as if he had yelled something, but Jake was speaking now, and Charlie's voice lowered. "Bella, honey, are you okay?"
Jake left, he and Charlie exchanging a confusing look mixed with anger, frustration, and understanding.
"I'll kill him if he hurt you. All I heard was you screaming and something breaking."
My knees felt shaky, and I sank down to the floor. Charlie's face was right there, concern and fear mixing. There had been so much anger in me over all that happened and it was surprising. Who knew I could react like that? I didn't really fault Jake for that. He just drew it out by making me face things I should probably deal with. But I had no idea…
My cheeks felt damp. I had started to cry quietly. Charlie was holding on to me, so I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn't want him to see me cry, but something had shaken loose inside me, and I couldn't seem to stop.
"He didn't hurt me," I finally managed to reassure him.
I had hurt him.
*~*~*
Leah was staring down at me as I lay stretched out on my bed in a prone position. I stared back at her wondering what she was doing here.
"Chief… your father called me," she said, reading my mind.
"Why?" I asked curiously.
"Hell if I know," she replied with a shrug. "Maybe he called because I'm your only friend? You really are a loser, Swan."
I rolled over, presenting her with my back, and ignored her.
"Okay, okay," she relented. "You aren't a loser. I mean, you're friends with me, right?"
When I remained quiet, she sighed a little. "Look, he didn't know what to do for you. He was upset and thought maybe I could talk to you and help."
Leah had shown what a big help she was by telling me I should seduce Jake. That hadn't gotten me very far. Plus, she made fun of me. Deep down I knew that was just how Leah was, though. There were glimpses that she cared and she did have insight on Jake that could help me figure things out.
"We tried to talk. Jake wanted to know what happened with Edward, but it isn't very easy to talk about. He goaded me into reacting to what he said and I got angry. It caught me off-guard how much anger I have over the situation and I threw a glass at the wall."
She wrinkled her brow as she stared at me. "You threw a glass? Bella, that's nothing. I've thrown numerous things!"
I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help snickering. That was Leah, though, and she didn't make any excuses for who she was and she definitely didn't keep her feelings bottled up. She reacted in anger often enough, but I didn't, which was what bothered me.
"Bella, it was one talk. You can't expect everything to magically be better after one talk."
"I know," I said, picking at my bedspread. "I know that, but I feel guilty for messing things up with him and Lila, for hurting him so much, and for not dealing with my own issues the right way. It pisses me off that I let Charlie see me like that. He shouldn't have to see that."
Leah shrugged. "He's your father. Parents will see that shit sometimes; that's what they're there for. I wish my father was still around to see me break down once in awhile."
Hesitating for a moment, I reached out and laid a hand over hers. Surprisingly, she didn't pull away. It was obvious how much she missed Harry. Billy was pretty much a father to the whole pack - who came from too many broken families - but it wasn't the same as having your own father there.
"He also kissed me," I admitted. I wasn't sure I had wanted to tell her that, but I knew it would take her mind off Harry.
It certainly did. Her eyebrows winged up and she gave me a shove which nearly toppled me off the bed. "Seriously? Holy shit. So, he and Lila are kaput?"
"I guess so," I said uncomfortably. It had bothered me knowing he was with somebody else when I wanted him, but now that I knew they had ended things I felt guilty.
"Get over it," she advised. "So, was it better than the last kiss? Tongue and everything?"
"Leah," I protested.
She laughed. "So there was tongue! I knew it."
She made me give her a couple more details before she left. When she was gone, I did feel a little better. When I went downstairs, Charlie eyed me nervously, not knowing what to say.
"It's okay," I said. I turned to the fridge and began to pull out pork chops I had defrosted earlier. He stayed quiet while I cooked them, stuck the potatoes in the oven, and got a salad ready.
He was just about finished eating when he looked up at me. "Bells? Was that all about, you know, what happened in Alaska?"
Staring down at my plate, I nodded. "In some ways it was."
He remained quiet until I finally admitted, "I threw the glass at the wall. I'm not sure what came over me, but I have been angry for awhile and haven't done much about it."
He didn't really seem surprised. "Did Ed… did that asshole hurt you?"
I smiled ruefully. "No, Dad, he didn't hurt me. It was a lot of little things, but he never did anything like that. It wasn't like him."
It was a chilly night, and I pulled my parka closer around me to try and ward off the chill. The house had been feeling oppressive again, and I just quietly slipped out of the kitchen. It was stupid because I knew they would hear me anyway or miss the beating of my heart, but I needed to get outside regardless.
Blowing on my chilled hands, I stared into the forest, remembering another forest; one that seemed like it was a lifetime ago. A green forest that felt like home. I sighed and watched my breath puff out in a small cloud.
"Bella?"
I sighed, knowing it was inevitable.
"You should come inside," Edward said from behind me. "It isn't safe."
Once we were back in the kitchen, I resigned myself to staying in the house and made a cup of tea. Wrapping my cold fingers around it, I sipped slowly.
"You should eat something," Edward said.
Already irritated that I had been told to come inside, I snapped, "I'm fine. I know to eat when I'm hungry, and I'm not hungry."
Edward never raised his voice, but his look was occasionally infuriating, like he was just humoring a child. I strode away, wanting to be left alone, but he followed me to our bedroom upstairs. When I stumbled a little over the edge of the carpet, he quickly took my mug and set it down.
Frustrated, I pushed past him. "You act more like a protective father than a husband," I pointed out.
"Is it so much better to have your life put at risk like Jacob always did?" he answered back, his mouth turned down; the only sign he was annoyed.
I raised my eyebrows. "It wasn't at risk. And at least I was allowed to do things on my own. I didn't have a chaperone."
"Yes, I forgot, we're talking about Jacob here." His voice showed just how he felt about Jacob, and I bristled.
"Jacob was never perfect, but I'm not so sure we need to strive to be perfect people with the perfect lives. I'd rather mess up, live my life, and learn from my own mistakes and accidents."
"Excuse me for wanting to keep you safe," he said. Abruptly, he turned away and left.
And, as usual, I was left feeling the weight of his disapproval.
Charlie was watching me curiously, but I still wasn't ready to share. It also couldn't be said that humans and vampires truly weren't meant to be together especially if the human changed their mind about being turned. Charlie didn't need the details. He would mostly just think I was crazy and probably throw me in an institution.
"It'll take time with Jacob. It's, uh, obvious you need to work things out," he told me. He apparently decided to not put all the blame on Jake for what he came home to.
"I know," I said ruefully. "I'm just not sure what else I can do that I haven't already done."
"Be honest," he advised. "And be willing to show him he can learn to trust you again."
I passed him a brownie from the tray I had baked earlier. "Do you trust me?" I asked quietly.
He paused before biting into it. "I can see how much you are trying to repair relationships. It's also obvious how serious you seem to be about finding a job and staying here. That helps, honey. It's different with us, though."
I laid a hand on his shoulder, leaning against his side briefly. "Yes. It is. I'm glad you can see that, too, because I want you to know I'm not leaving again."
He patted my hand, and I left him to his brownie.
*~*~*
JPOV
It didn't matter that it was late. It didn't matter that I spent most of the day hauling wood and working feverishly. Working was what kept my mind occupied and that was what I wanted, so I lay on the floor of the garage tinkering with Sue's car.
I checked her brakes, rotated her tires, and heard voices outside the garage door not long after. Ignoring them, I continued, until I saw Embry and Quil's feet right by the car.
"Are you staying in La Push tonight?" Embry asked. "Your dad wanted to know if you would be around tomorrow morning to help him get to his doctor appointment or if he had to ask Rachel."
I rolled out from underneath the car, staring up at them from my prone position.
"We check on Billy occasionally," Quil said with a shrug. "He said you were still here, working in the garage, and asked if we could check with you."
I nodded. "Yeah, I can stay. I'll go in soon and tell him myself."
We were all quiet for a few moments. There was still some aloofness to the way we interacted, which sucked, but it was getting better at least. I finally stood up and wiped my hands off.
"Will, um, Lila be waiting for you?" Embry asked carefully.
I glanced over at them. "No, she won't."
I hesitated before adding, "We ended things. Amicably."
"Is that why you're working like there's no tomorrow?" Quil questioned as I leaned against my workbench.
"Part of the reason," I muttered.
"Bella?"
"Yeah. I, well… we kissed."
Embry's eyebrows shot up. "Oh really? You seem kind of pissy about it. I thought that's what you would have wanted."
I fiddled with a screwdriver. "I'm not pissy. And yes, in some ways I did, but I'm still angry, okay? I know I'm being a little hypocritical considering what I did myself, but I feel bad about Lila yet. Plus, we just have a lot of crap to work through."
"But you wanted it."
Ruefully, I nodded. The kiss hadn't quite left my mind since it happened yesterday. It had been the type of kiss I had wanted to have with her when I was sixteen, but never quite got. The feel of her lips, the brush of her body against mine, had ignited something I actually hadn't felt before. It made me feel alive.
And it had surprised - and very nearly pleased me later on - to see her react the way she did. Bella had gotten irritated with me before, sulky, and yelled. It was nothing like this, though. After the shock had worn off, I realized just how much she had kept bottled up inside about whatever else happened between her and Cullen. It hurt to see her battling so much, but she needed to let it release. For her sake and for mine, so I knew where the hell we stood.
The force of it, though, was still more shocking than anything. Apparently, the bloodsucker had screwed things up even more than I had thought he would. Bella was not only angry, but hurting as well, and it made me feel sorry for her. It just wasn't as easy as I thought to get over how much I had been hurt, though. And now there was also a burning curiosity about how she nearly cheated on Cullen. What the hell did that mean?
"You'll get there," Embry said simply. "We're working through forgiveness towards you, so just keep trying."
I faced them and said, "I'm glad because I missed your sorry asses." I knew that's what we all needed to hear and how it should be said; truthful but light enough that we could still be men and shrug like it didn't really matter. But it did.
Quil gave me a light punch on the shoulder. "Yeah yeah. Dude, get some rest. You need to work tomorrow and if you don't we aren't going to support your sleepy ass."
After they left, I went into the house to get some sleep. My dad was sitting at the kitchen table, looking a little pale and tired.
"You okay, Dad?" I asked, concerned. "What are you doing up?"
"Getting old sucks, kid, so don't do it." I grinned, knowing that was what he wanted.
I waited until he finally sighed. "It's just a lot of achiness. I couldn't sleep, plus I knew you were still out there."
"Well, we'll ask when I take you to the doctor's tomorrow," I said.
He nodded. "Is everything okay with you? You talked to Lila and Bella, haven't you?"
I took out a can of coke and gulped about half of it. "Yes. And I feel bad for ending things with Lila, though I know she'll be okay. Bella has some of her own issues to work through as well as issues we have with each other."
"Love isn't easy, son. It's worth it in the end, though."
I smiled wryly. "So I hear. Maybe there's some kind of love there since she threw a glass at the wall. I'm not sure if she was aiming for me, though."
Billy's eyebrows shot up. "Throwing things? Well, that's a new one for Bella."
My smile disappeared. "It is. I think it's more that she's bottling things up, though, and angry at the situation."
"Just keep trying. You can get there."
I pondered that as I helped Billy back into bed, got his water and gave him a pain pill so he could sleep better. In my room, I lay back on my too-tiny bed and wondered what Bella was doing.
The last thought that drifted through my mind before sleep was the anger and the resulting anguish in her eyes.
*~*~*
Chapter 10
AN: So, did their discussion go as you expected? It's good the two of them have sane and reasonable people to help them out after they have their explosive moments together. :o) Hope you enjoyed!
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
And it's peaceful in the deep/Cathedral where you cannot breathe/No need to pray, no need to speak/Now I am under/And it's breaking over me/A thousand miles onto the sea bed/Found the place to rest my head
*~*~*
Time had seemed to slow down, allowing me to hear the unsteady thump of my heart, the soft rasp of my breath against my throat, and the light rain drops spattering the windows. Jake watched me silently, his gaze assessing as I backed up to let him in.
There are always random little moments that are just imprinted in your mind forever. The way Jake stood in the doorway, filling it with his size and musculature, was one of them. He looked so right there yet so out of place.
In the kitchen, I leaned against the counter, trying to tell myself to calm down. It wasn't really working, but at least I was maintaining a calm demeanor. That was saying something.
"You said the idea of your death was the Cullen's idea," Jake finally said.
I glanced up at him and after a brief pause, I nodded. "Yes, it was originally their idea."
"And you went along with it."
I bristled. "I didn't want to, but yes, I did. It felt like the only way to keep everyone I cared about safe."
"Well, we both know how I feel about that. What I really want to know is what happened with you and the leech. How did it come to this?" he asked, leaning back against the wall, his face remote.
I never really talked about Edward with anyone; it didn't feel right or comfortable discussing all that happened in our relationship. I loved Jake too much right from the beginning, intimacy made things difficult, and my life was sheltered and lonely even with the Cullen's there. Essentially, I had grown up. The strain of a life not lived weighed me down and it was made worse when my death was faked. I missed my family, Forks, and didn't know when I would see them again, if ever. It had created irreconcilable differences in our relationship.
Jake had been watching me closely while I considered what to say. "You're still in love with him." It wasn't a question.
Irritation curled in my stomach. My eyes narrowed as I stared back at him. "Why would I have left if I was still in love with him? Don't assume, Jake, you know what that makes you."
He just shook his head. "So, be honest with me. Don't I deserve that after everything you found out lately? You say you missed me, try to seduce me, say you're sorry, you didn't know… well, how about just telling me what the fuck happened when you were so goddamn certain he was your forever."
His voice had risen. He was struggling with his temper.
My cheeks were hot at the reminder of my pathetic attempt at seducing him. And my own temper was flaring up quite a bit. I had never used to have such a temper, but apparently now I did. I was trying to rein it in, but it surprised me with its intensity. I barely understood why until he pushed me enough to explode.
He moved closer to me and kissed me.
My body alternated between raging hot and an icy anger as he pinned me against the counter with his body. His dark eyes were practically sparking as they connected with mine. The only sound above the rushing in my ears was my ragged breathing; the only thing I could feel was the erratic thump of his heart against my palms. What was he doing?
When his lips touched mine, it ignited a long dormant feeling in my chest. His big hand cupped the back of my head while his full lips urged mine to open. The kiss was hot, very nearly angry in its force.
I was aware of his thighs pressing against mine, his other hand pulling me up higher. My hand fisted his shirt, not sure whether to hold on for dear life or push him away. There was a rush of feeling from my limbs that arrowed down between my thighs, disturbing me.
There had been pretty strong feelings when we had kissed prior to my leaving Forks, but it was nothing like this.
My mouth opened and allowed him access. His tongue found mine, and I bit back a whimper. As he angled his head, his mouth demanded more and more from me, draining me with its intensity. When he finally released me, his lips brushed against my ear and he whispered, "Apparently forever isn't so long, is it?"
It didn't matter how mild it was; that derisive tone was lurking under the surface.
I placed both palms against his chest and shoved him back. I knew I never would have been able to move him, but the surprise on his face had him at least taking a step back as if I did.
"Don't treat me like a child," I said, my voice shaking with anger.
"Well, why don't you explain…?"
I cut him off, feeling the dam break.
"We are all aware of mistakes I made, Jacob Black, but I have never once held back in how sorry I was for hurting everyone. Do you think it was easy for me to come back to begin with? I left Alaska knowing things were ruined with Edward. I made the trek back and was scared of how to deal with everyone, but I did. Not only that, but I stuck around even after I found out what I inadvertently did to everyone here."
My heart was pounding, and I felt sick. My voice had risen and I was yelling.
"I thought you knew me better than that. I would never intentionally hurt someone."
"You led me on over and over, Bella," he snapped back. "You kept saying one thing, but doing another. I was sixteen! How the hell else should I have taken that? I made mistakes with you as well, but one of the reasons I was so hard on you was because I wanted you to live!And you threw that back into my face!" His voice practically exploded on the last word.
"In the end, I chose to live!" My voice was getting higher and higher the more upset I got. Tears were imminent.
"You have no idea how suffocated I felt when I was there, how much I wished I had thought things through. I had to struggle with decisions, was angry with him because of what he couldn't fully give me, I very nearly cheated on him, and all I could think about was my family and how I didn't want to be a vampire! I was so damn isolated and lonely and all we did was fight."
Everything was shaking now as my vision blurred. "I was so sick and tired of being treated like a fragile piece of glass. And most of all, I was fed up with being treated like I was a fucking child!"
My voice shattered into a scream just as the glass shattered against the wall.
Dazed, I stared at the broken shards of glass, not understanding how it had happened. Had I thrown that? One brief look at Jake told me.
We were both stunned into silence.
"What about Lila?" The whisper barely made it out.
Jake looked at me for a second as if I were a stranger. He had looked shocked, but now it was replaced with a cool blankness. He moved toward me, leaned down, sending my already shaky nerve-endings into another spasm as he bent toward my ear.
"We ended it."
Charlie burst into the door a moment later, and I moved in slow motion to look at him. It looked as if he had yelled something, but Jake was speaking now, and Charlie's voice lowered. "Bella, honey, are you okay?"
Jake left, he and Charlie exchanging a confusing look mixed with anger, frustration, and understanding.
"I'll kill him if he hurt you. All I heard was you screaming and something breaking."
My knees felt shaky, and I sank down to the floor. Charlie's face was right there, concern and fear mixing. There had been so much anger in me over all that happened and it was surprising. Who knew I could react like that? I didn't really fault Jake for that. He just drew it out by making me face things I should probably deal with. But I had no idea…
My cheeks felt damp. I had started to cry quietly. Charlie was holding on to me, so I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn't want him to see me cry, but something had shaken loose inside me, and I couldn't seem to stop.
"He didn't hurt me," I finally managed to reassure him.
I had hurt him.
*~*~*
Leah was staring down at me as I lay stretched out on my bed in a prone position. I stared back at her wondering what she was doing here.
"Chief… your father called me," she said, reading my mind.
"Why?" I asked curiously.
"Hell if I know," she replied with a shrug. "Maybe he called because I'm your only friend? You really are a loser, Swan."
I rolled over, presenting her with my back, and ignored her.
"Okay, okay," she relented. "You aren't a loser. I mean, you're friends with me, right?"
When I remained quiet, she sighed a little. "Look, he didn't know what to do for you. He was upset and thought maybe I could talk to you and help."
Leah had shown what a big help she was by telling me I should seduce Jake. That hadn't gotten me very far. Plus, she made fun of me. Deep down I knew that was just how Leah was, though. There were glimpses that she cared and she did have insight on Jake that could help me figure things out.
"We tried to talk. Jake wanted to know what happened with Edward, but it isn't very easy to talk about. He goaded me into reacting to what he said and I got angry. It caught me off-guard how much anger I have over the situation and I threw a glass at the wall."
She wrinkled her brow as she stared at me. "You threw a glass? Bella, that's nothing. I've thrown numerous things!"
I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help snickering. That was Leah, though, and she didn't make any excuses for who she was and she definitely didn't keep her feelings bottled up. She reacted in anger often enough, but I didn't, which was what bothered me.
"Bella, it was one talk. You can't expect everything to magically be better after one talk."
"I know," I said, picking at my bedspread. "I know that, but I feel guilty for messing things up with him and Lila, for hurting him so much, and for not dealing with my own issues the right way. It pisses me off that I let Charlie see me like that. He shouldn't have to see that."
Leah shrugged. "He's your father. Parents will see that shit sometimes; that's what they're there for. I wish my father was still around to see me break down once in awhile."
Hesitating for a moment, I reached out and laid a hand over hers. Surprisingly, she didn't pull away. It was obvious how much she missed Harry. Billy was pretty much a father to the whole pack - who came from too many broken families - but it wasn't the same as having your own father there.
"He also kissed me," I admitted. I wasn't sure I had wanted to tell her that, but I knew it would take her mind off Harry.
It certainly did. Her eyebrows winged up and she gave me a shove which nearly toppled me off the bed. "Seriously? Holy shit. So, he and Lila are kaput?"
"I guess so," I said uncomfortably. It had bothered me knowing he was with somebody else when I wanted him, but now that I knew they had ended things I felt guilty.
"Get over it," she advised. "So, was it better than the last kiss? Tongue and everything?"
"Leah," I protested.
She laughed. "So there was tongue! I knew it."
She made me give her a couple more details before she left. When she was gone, I did feel a little better. When I went downstairs, Charlie eyed me nervously, not knowing what to say.
"It's okay," I said. I turned to the fridge and began to pull out pork chops I had defrosted earlier. He stayed quiet while I cooked them, stuck the potatoes in the oven, and got a salad ready.
He was just about finished eating when he looked up at me. "Bells? Was that all about, you know, what happened in Alaska?"
Staring down at my plate, I nodded. "In some ways it was."
He remained quiet until I finally admitted, "I threw the glass at the wall. I'm not sure what came over me, but I have been angry for awhile and haven't done much about it."
He didn't really seem surprised. "Did Ed… did that asshole hurt you?"
I smiled ruefully. "No, Dad, he didn't hurt me. It was a lot of little things, but he never did anything like that. It wasn't like him."
It was a chilly night, and I pulled my parka closer around me to try and ward off the chill. The house had been feeling oppressive again, and I just quietly slipped out of the kitchen. It was stupid because I knew they would hear me anyway or miss the beating of my heart, but I needed to get outside regardless.
Blowing on my chilled hands, I stared into the forest, remembering another forest; one that seemed like it was a lifetime ago. A green forest that felt like home. I sighed and watched my breath puff out in a small cloud.
"Bella?"
I sighed, knowing it was inevitable.
"You should come inside," Edward said from behind me. "It isn't safe."
Once we were back in the kitchen, I resigned myself to staying in the house and made a cup of tea. Wrapping my cold fingers around it, I sipped slowly.
"You should eat something," Edward said.
Already irritated that I had been told to come inside, I snapped, "I'm fine. I know to eat when I'm hungry, and I'm not hungry."
Edward never raised his voice, but his look was occasionally infuriating, like he was just humoring a child. I strode away, wanting to be left alone, but he followed me to our bedroom upstairs. When I stumbled a little over the edge of the carpet, he quickly took my mug and set it down.
Frustrated, I pushed past him. "You act more like a protective father than a husband," I pointed out.
"Is it so much better to have your life put at risk like Jacob always did?" he answered back, his mouth turned down; the only sign he was annoyed.
I raised my eyebrows. "It wasn't at risk. And at least I was allowed to do things on my own. I didn't have a chaperone."
"Yes, I forgot, we're talking about Jacob here." His voice showed just how he felt about Jacob, and I bristled.
"Jacob was never perfect, but I'm not so sure we need to strive to be perfect people with the perfect lives. I'd rather mess up, live my life, and learn from my own mistakes and accidents."
"Excuse me for wanting to keep you safe," he said. Abruptly, he turned away and left.
And, as usual, I was left feeling the weight of his disapproval.
Charlie was watching me curiously, but I still wasn't ready to share. It also couldn't be said that humans and vampires truly weren't meant to be together especially if the human changed their mind about being turned. Charlie didn't need the details. He would mostly just think I was crazy and probably throw me in an institution.
"It'll take time with Jacob. It's, uh, obvious you need to work things out," he told me. He apparently decided to not put all the blame on Jake for what he came home to.
"I know," I said ruefully. "I'm just not sure what else I can do that I haven't already done."
"Be honest," he advised. "And be willing to show him he can learn to trust you again."
I passed him a brownie from the tray I had baked earlier. "Do you trust me?" I asked quietly.
He paused before biting into it. "I can see how much you are trying to repair relationships. It's also obvious how serious you seem to be about finding a job and staying here. That helps, honey. It's different with us, though."
I laid a hand on his shoulder, leaning against his side briefly. "Yes. It is. I'm glad you can see that, too, because I want you to know I'm not leaving again."
He patted my hand, and I left him to his brownie.
*~*~*
JPOV
It didn't matter that it was late. It didn't matter that I spent most of the day hauling wood and working feverishly. Working was what kept my mind occupied and that was what I wanted, so I lay on the floor of the garage tinkering with Sue's car.
I checked her brakes, rotated her tires, and heard voices outside the garage door not long after. Ignoring them, I continued, until I saw Embry and Quil's feet right by the car.
"Are you staying in La Push tonight?" Embry asked. "Your dad wanted to know if you would be around tomorrow morning to help him get to his doctor appointment or if he had to ask Rachel."
I rolled out from underneath the car, staring up at them from my prone position.
"We check on Billy occasionally," Quil said with a shrug. "He said you were still here, working in the garage, and asked if we could check with you."
I nodded. "Yeah, I can stay. I'll go in soon and tell him myself."
We were all quiet for a few moments. There was still some aloofness to the way we interacted, which sucked, but it was getting better at least. I finally stood up and wiped my hands off.
"Will, um, Lila be waiting for you?" Embry asked carefully.
I glanced over at them. "No, she won't."
I hesitated before adding, "We ended things. Amicably."
"Is that why you're working like there's no tomorrow?" Quil questioned as I leaned against my workbench.
"Part of the reason," I muttered.
"Bella?"
"Yeah. I, well… we kissed."
Embry's eyebrows shot up. "Oh really? You seem kind of pissy about it. I thought that's what you would have wanted."
I fiddled with a screwdriver. "I'm not pissy. And yes, in some ways I did, but I'm still angry, okay? I know I'm being a little hypocritical considering what I did myself, but I feel bad about Lila yet. Plus, we just have a lot of crap to work through."
"But you wanted it."
Ruefully, I nodded. The kiss hadn't quite left my mind since it happened yesterday. It had been the type of kiss I had wanted to have with her when I was sixteen, but never quite got. The feel of her lips, the brush of her body against mine, had ignited something I actually hadn't felt before. It made me feel alive.
And it had surprised - and very nearly pleased me later on - to see her react the way she did. Bella had gotten irritated with me before, sulky, and yelled. It was nothing like this, though. After the shock had worn off, I realized just how much she had kept bottled up inside about whatever else happened between her and Cullen. It hurt to see her battling so much, but she needed to let it release. For her sake and for mine, so I knew where the hell we stood.
The force of it, though, was still more shocking than anything. Apparently, the bloodsucker had screwed things up even more than I had thought he would. Bella was not only angry, but hurting as well, and it made me feel sorry for her. It just wasn't as easy as I thought to get over how much I had been hurt, though. And now there was also a burning curiosity about how she nearly cheated on Cullen. What the hell did that mean?
"You'll get there," Embry said simply. "We're working through forgiveness towards you, so just keep trying."
I faced them and said, "I'm glad because I missed your sorry asses." I knew that's what we all needed to hear and how it should be said; truthful but light enough that we could still be men and shrug like it didn't really matter. But it did.
Quil gave me a light punch on the shoulder. "Yeah yeah. Dude, get some rest. You need to work tomorrow and if you don't we aren't going to support your sleepy ass."
After they left, I went into the house to get some sleep. My dad was sitting at the kitchen table, looking a little pale and tired.
"You okay, Dad?" I asked, concerned. "What are you doing up?"
"Getting old sucks, kid, so don't do it." I grinned, knowing that was what he wanted.
I waited until he finally sighed. "It's just a lot of achiness. I couldn't sleep, plus I knew you were still out there."
"Well, we'll ask when I take you to the doctor's tomorrow," I said.
He nodded. "Is everything okay with you? You talked to Lila and Bella, haven't you?"
I took out a can of coke and gulped about half of it. "Yes. And I feel bad for ending things with Lila, though I know she'll be okay. Bella has some of her own issues to work through as well as issues we have with each other."
"Love isn't easy, son. It's worth it in the end, though."
I smiled wryly. "So I hear. Maybe there's some kind of love there since she threw a glass at the wall. I'm not sure if she was aiming for me, though."
Billy's eyebrows shot up. "Throwing things? Well, that's a new one for Bella."
My smile disappeared. "It is. I think it's more that she's bottling things up, though, and angry at the situation."
"Just keep trying. You can get there."
I pondered that as I helped Billy back into bed, got his water and gave him a pain pill so he could sleep better. In my room, I lay back on my too-tiny bed and wondered what Bella was doing.
The last thought that drifted through my mind before sleep was the anger and the resulting anguish in her eyes.
*~*~*
Chapter 10
AN: So, did their discussion go as you expected? It's good the two of them have sane and reasonable people to help them out after they have their explosive moments together. :o) Hope you enjoyed!