Picking up the Pieces, 16: Strength
Title: Picking up the Pieces
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house/Maybe you'll think of me and smile/You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse/Keep me in your heart for while/Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams/Touch me as I fall into view/When the winter comes keep the fires lit/And I will be right next to you
*~*~*
My stomach was still uneasy as my eyes flickered open. I was lying in bed, covers under my chin, and I was briefly confused why I was in bed during the day. The news I'd received came back in a rush, though. Turning my head, I saw Jake sitting in the armchair in the bedroom, slumped over, his head in his hands.
My mouth didn't want to work, so I stretched my hand out and tried to touch his knee. His head came up and I was met with the worry in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I said, my voice cracking slightly. I cleared it and tried again. "I'll be honest; I admit that I considered for a moment not telling you because it was negative, but I would have Jake. I got overwhelmed, but I'd just found out before I went to the doctor appointment. I didn't want you to feel trapped, but I knew you'd want to know regardless and you deserved that."
He was quiet, examining his hands. "You aren't pregnant?"
"No," I replied softly.
"You're right. I deserved to know one way or the other. I wish you had confided in me first, but I understand."
He reached out and laced his fingers with mine. "We're still learning as we go, right?"
I smiled wearily; grateful he seemed to understand and wasn't freaking out. "We are," I replied. "But… what did you… think?" I asked carefully. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer, but I had to ask. I had to know how he felt about having children. If the venom truly prevented - and I was desperately praying it wouldn't - me from having kids, would that change Jake's mind? I wanted to be able to give him babies one day, but I didn't know how he felt about it.
"I was angry at first," he said with a sigh. "It seemed like you were trying to hide it from me, but I told myself not to think the worst, because I knew deep down that you aren't like that."
He shifted so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He absently played with my hair, looking confused. "I don't want the added responsibility right now. I would have loved that baby with all I had, just as much as I love you, and it wouldn't have made me feel trapped. It just would've made things a little harder, that's all."
I felt the tears leak out and trickle down my temples and disappear into my hair. When he saw me crying, he looked concerned. "Bella, I do want children," he said misunderstanding. "I'd love to have some with you, but not yet. Were you disappointed that you weren't pregnant?" he asked. He looked a little scared at the thought.
"Not really," I managed. "I want them, too, but that's not why I'm crying. I've known for awhile I wanted them with you, but Jake, I went to the doctor and found something out."
He froze, his dark eyes filling with fear. "Bells, I thought you just fainted from being sick. What's wrong, honey? What happened?" His fingers had tightened around mine, and I wanted to hold on to him and never let go. I had to be strong, though.
"There was blockage in my fallopian tube," I whispered. "She said I had some kind of bug, but was a little concerned over some of the symptoms, so she did an ultrasound. She saw the blockage, said it could be removed, but what I realized is it can't be. At least not by her. Jake, it's vampire venom. I guess from…um, sleeping with Edward."
I couldn't bear to look at him as I said that. It wasn't like he didn't know I'd had sex with Edward, but I wasn't comfortable saying it right to his face. My throat ached as I held the tears back.
"How do you know? Is it hurting you? Bella…"
I closed my eyes. "I saw it before when James bit me in Arizona. When the venom was extracted, it was silvery. It looked like what I had seen on the ultrasound and the doctor had even noticed it seemed odd. I don't know the long-term affects; if it's what's been making me ill."
"Venom kills humans," he said his voice thick. "I don't understand. We have to find out…"
"I have to call Carlisle," I said into the silence.
He lay down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. "I know," he murmured. The weariness and worry in his voice tugged at my heart, but we both knew it was something that had to be done. "I won't put your life at risk. Call him."
He rested his hand on my stomach when I picked up the phone. My heart began pounding when the phone began to ring. I was grateful I had Carlisle's cell phone number to call instead of a phone that any one of them could pick up. When I heard his familiar voice, I turned my face to the wall.
"Carlisle, it's me," I said quietly.
"Bella," he said. His surprise was evident. "This is a surprise. Is everything okay?"
"No," I murmured. I began to explain to him what happened while he listened quietly.
When I finished, he gave a small sigh. "Oh, Bella, I'm sorry. I have to be honest. I've never heard of anything like this happening before. I don't know how it has remained inside of you without any irreparable damage. I would have to see you, to examine you myself to see. It's not common knowledge for a human to sleep with a vampire, but I'm willing if you want that."
I blinked away the tears. Out of all of them, Carlisle was the one who almost seemed to get the situation. He worked with humans, had been around the longest, and was the most knowledgeable. And he had been generally kind even after everything.
"Yes, I do. I want to live. I want children one day, Carlisle. If this can be taken care of, I need your help."
When he offered to fly me there, Jake sat up. "No," he said firmly, his voice cold, knowing Carlisle would hear him. "She will not come anywhere near Alaska. I want you to come here to figure out what that bastard did to her; on my land where my pack and I can watch you."
I opened my mouth, not knowing what to say, but Carlisle said, "It's fine. I'll be there as soon as I can, Bella."
After I hung up, neither of us said anything; our fears remained silent. He just lay back again, wrapping his arms around me, and I rested my head on his chest trying to comfort myself with the beat of his heart.
*~*~*
JPOV
Bella remained silent the next couple days. She didn't want to talk about what was going on, and I didn't want to broach it much myself. The fear was eating me alive. She had to be all right. It took too damn long for us to be together for it to come crashing down on us because of a fucking vampire. It irritated me that Edward had his popsicle dick anywhere near Bella; it didn't make this any easier.
Bella didn't seem to be improving any and I was worried about her. I didn't know what to say about it, though. She hadn't said anything to Charlie yet, and I wasn't sure if she planned to. He should know she wasn't feeling well especially in this case, but what the hell do you tell him? I knew I wouldn't be able to reassure him when I was scared to death myself that something worse would happen. It felt like there was a ticking time bomb looming over us, and I was afraid to leave her alone.
She came into the kitchen, looking tired. "I'm really thirsty," she said. "Did we remember to get more ginger ale?"
I got her one out of the case, poured it and added ice, and passed it over.
She smiled at me, taking a sip. With a sigh, she sat at the table, resting her forehead on it. I rubbed her back and she gave a small moan. "My back has been really sore," she admitted.
I took her hand, helping her up. "Well, then, come on," I said. "You should have told me. I'll give you a massage right now."
She started to say I didn't have to, so I just gave her a look and ordered her to lie down. When I started working on her back, I could feel the knots, and it bothered me to hear the little sounds of pain she made until it began to feel good. She had fallen asleep by the time I finished, so I covered her, and resumed my pacing again. When the phone rang, I nearly jumped. It was only Embry, though.
"Hey, man," he said. "Is everything okay? I know we haven't phased in a long time, but Quil and I both felt something was off the other day and knew it had to do with you. Plus, Leah has been uncharacteristically quiet lately."
Apparently, a pack brother will always be a pack brother. Or sister.
"Not really," I admitted. "It's a long story, but one I'm going to have to share with you, Quil, and the rest of the pack. We've been trying to cope here, but… well… things aren't that great right now."
"Are you okay? Is Bella?" He sounded officially worried now.
"I'm fine, and Bella is so far, but there are some concerns. We're attempting to get it taken care of. It would be easier to describe all this in person, though."
"Well, Emily has been talking about having all of us - including you and Bella of course - at the house for breakfast on Saturday. Would that work?"
I figured that'd probably be fine. Bella needed to get back to Forks to talk to Charlie anyway.
"Okay, well tell Bella to take it easy. Let us know if you need anything."
The next couple days, Bella dragged herself in to work, though her supervisor took pity on her and let her work from home some of the time. She tried to keep busy with doing some editing and working on an article she was given to write. I tried to keep my hours the same as hers, so I could get home when she did. Her face continued to look pale, she'd get sick, and she napped a lot. When Saturday came around, we piled into the car and drove back to Forks.
When we got to Emily's, Bella opened her door, and stumbled out. "Bells," I said urgently, racing around the car. Carefully, I helped her up, but her breathing was a little choppy and she seemed weaker. She was struggling not to cry, but sniffled a little.
Gently, I picked her up, leaning my forehead against hers. Carlisle had called earlier; he'd be here tonight and as much as I hated the idea of him coming here, I was glad Bella was going to be looked at. This had to stop; my stomach was tied in knots, and I felt like I was about to be sick as well.
Quil and Embry came to the door, their brows knitted in concern, their frowns deepening when they saw me carrying Bella. Opening the door, everyone backed up, while I got Bella settled on the couch. Emily came into the room, her gentle face wreathed in concern.
"Oh, Bella," she said quietly. "Can I get you something? Tea, maybe?"
When Bella nodded, she hurried off to get some while everyone filed into the room. "What's going on?" Sam asked, looking serious. "What happened?"
I let Bella explain after Emily gave her some tea and fruit while everyone else piled on the eggs, bacon and toast. She said that she hadn't been feeling right; she even admitted to thinking she was pregnant, but told them when she found out she wasn't, she went to the doctor to see what was going on. She began explaining what she knew of vampire venom and that she knew that's what the blockage was.
I finally said, "She had to call the leader of the Cullen's, the doctor. He's the one who reset my bones after the newborn fight. He's coming here tonight; we just found out this morning."
An eruption of noise occurred, but I held up my hand. "I don't like it either. In fact, I detest the idea, but he's the only one that might be able to do something."
"Can't Sue do an x-ray and see if there's something to be done?"
"You aren't going to their territory to have this taken care of?"
"We want Bella to be taken care of, but we need to think of…"
Sam interrupted them before I could. "Everyone, relax. It's not an ideal situation, but you can vouch that he wouldn't hurt anyone, right Bella? I mean, he seemed okay when he was here before…"
"He wouldn't hurt anyone," Bella assured him.
"No one has phased and Quil told me there was a run-in or two with a vampire, so I figured if he came and we knew he wouldn't hurt anyone, that we'd be okay. I need all of you here, if you can spare it. Bella needs this."
Embry laid a hand briefly on Bella's shoulder. "We'll be here." She reached up and squeezed his hand.
They continued to discuss where the best place to do this was. I kept an eye on Bella as they talked. She looked tired, very pale, and unbearably sad. Sucking in a deep breath, I tried to let go of the helplessness I felt. I couldn't make her better.
"Jake," she whispered suddenly, panicked. I jumped up, instinctively knowing. I got her to the bathroom in time for her to be sick. She knelt on the floor as I pulled her hair aside until she sat back. She leaned her forehead against the cool tile wall, and I rubbed her back.
Leah was outside the door, pacing. When she opened it, our eyes met. Leah was a conflicting mess of emotions, but she obviously had come to really care about Bella. She needed to see she was okay, but didn't say anything. It was time to take Bella to Charlie's, so we said good bye to everyone, and I felt their worry weighing down on my shoulders.
Charlie was on his way home, so I got Bella settled on the couch, knowing they needed some time alone together. I smoothed her hair as she lay back, watching her closely. "Call me if you need me," I told her. "I'll come get you when it's time, too. I'm just going to visit with Billy while you stay here."
She nodded, and I made myself move away, wishing for nothing more than to be permanently by her side.
*~*~*
BPOV
Charlie sat on the armchair, his lightly lined face grave. It was an expression I was all too familiar with; one that I had put on his face to begin with and now I was doing it again.
Finally, he said, "What's going to happen tonight? Will he be able to fix whatever's wrong?"
I rolled to my side, the dull ache persisting in my stomach. Wincing, I laid a hand over my stomach. "He's going to see what he can do by extracting what's in there. It seems to be what's making me sick, and I really hope he can."
Charlie leaned his head back. "I don't understand why you need Carlisle Cullen to do this. Why not just go to the hospital?"
I bit my lip. "It's a little more… complicated."
Charlie turned his eyes boring into mine. "I haven't forgotten, Bella. I want you to tell me what the hell really happened and soon."
I nodded wearily, resigned to having to try and explain this to him. It wasn't going to be easy, but he hadn't pushed me into telling him. He was being patient and especially now with what's going on, it didn't seem right to keep it from him. I explained as best as I could about my stomach; telling him it was something foreign in my system.
We talked about other things, trying to remain normal. He made me lunch which was a first, and I managed to keep it down. After awhile, I felt the urge to go out to the cliffs and watch the sunset. I had to plead a little bit with Charlie to take me there, but he finally gave in, ordering me to keep my phone on and to answer it. I also had to tell Jake where I was. I promised I would obey the orders, so I called Jake as he drove me out to the cliffs. He made me promise to call him immediately if I needed it, and I had to answer if he decided to call and check up on me.
Finally, Charlie helped me to the cliffs and got me seated with my back against a tree. I curled my legs under me, smiling up at him. "I'm okay, dad. I just want to sit here and relax a little while. I love you."
He looked a little shaken; like I had said it in case something went wrong. I didn't feel that way, though. I just wanted him to know.
"I love you, too," he finally said, hesitantly laying his hand on the top of my head. "Call me if you need me, but I'll be there tonight. Don't even try to talk me out of it."
I nodded and after he left me there, I leaned back and closed my eyes.
So lost. I'd been so lost for so long. The snow was still falling, and I longed for wet, green forests. I longed for a love that would last a normal lifetime. I longed for so much I didn't have because of choices I had made. The Cullen's drifted by, busy yet not so busy, not understanding my boredom; their lifetimes were infinite.
The boy and girl I had seen holding hands in my vision drifted by, taunting me, showing me what I wanted. But when I tried to catch them, they disappeared, and I was surrounded by white snow, silence, and pale skin and golden eyes.
I opened my eyes and felt a tear slide down my cheek. I was pretty sure Carlisle could help me, but not sure if he could reverse the possible damage to something inside me that would stop me from having children. My chest and stomach began to ache again, and I took a deep breath, watching the sun begin to sink over the ocean.
"Hey," I heard someone say behind me. I jumped, but relaxed when I saw it was Leah.
"Hey," I replied. I waved a hand and she sat next to me.
She didn't say anything else, and suddenly, having someone there who didn't feel the need to talk was overwhelming. The tears began to fall a little faster, so she draped an arm over my shoulders. I turned my face into her and cried, knowing that despite all the teasing, occasional blunt comments, and harassing me over Jake, that Leah cared about me. That was enough.
"I understand," she said simply. I didn't get it at first, but she clued me in when she told me she'd stopped menstruating when she was phasing. "I was frozen for the most part. I was a strong wolf, but apparently I wasn't strong enough because I was unable to conceive due to that. There's still a part of me that thinks that's why Sam imprinted on Emily."
I leaned back, seeing the sadness but also seeing that she'd accepted that. "I… had no idea…" I murmured. How was that fair?
She shrugged. "It sucked, but I went through yoga and meditation to help some of my anger; to keep it in control. When I stopped phasing, it came back, though it's been off and on. I'm still not positive if I can, but I have to wait and see. My mom seems to think it'll happen, but hey. I just thought I'd let you know that."
I wiped the back of my hand across my cheeks. "I'm sorry, Leah. It seems you've come to terms with this, but I hope it does happen for you. It bothers me because I'm the one that made the wrong choice. Do I deserve this for being so stupid? You certainly don't. You had no choice."
She trailed her fingers across the loose pebbles, looking out over the sea. "I don't think you do. So many people make mistakes, but try to rectify them and they have happy lives. I don't know what the outcome will be, but you aren't a bad person, Bella. You've come a long way."
I smiled a little. "Thank you. Jake's been amazing about all of this so far, but we haven't discussed everything yet. I feel so helpless, because he had admitted before he knew that he wanted children one day. It makes me feel like shit. I want to give him that."
"You can't think about the what-if's. Take it one step a time. And believe me, if anyone can break through vampire venom, it'd be Jake. He probably has mega-strong sperm."
It took me by surprise, but I laughed so hard and it felt damn good. Leah was smirking at me. "Come on, let's go," she said. I texted Jake back after his check on me to let him know I was with Leah and we were on our way.
The bed was ready; my makeshift gurney and it was as sterilized as possible. Carlisle came shortly after, and he gave me a small, reassuring smile. "How are you?" he asked quietly.
"Other than this, I'm good," I said honestly. "Being with Jake is what I really wanted. I love him. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I had to do what's right for me."
He nodded, one of the few vampires that understood, even if Edward was his son. He told me he was glad I found what I wanted and then told me to relax and slowly put me under. The last thing I saw was Jake's face at the door; Charlie, Billy, and the pack not far behind him.
When I woke, my stomach still ached, but it felt a little less painful. Jake was on one side of me, his hand holding mine, Carlisle on the other. Carlisle smiled down at me, but I could see the look in his eyes.
"It wasn't successful, was it?" I asked. I squeezed Jake's hand harder.
"It's not that," Carlisle said. "I managed to remove most of it. I don't understand why the venom didn't kill you. It hasn't been heard of, but you were always pretty remarkable, Bella. It was starting to hurt you, causing these symptoms, but they'll ease and be gone soon. There's still some in your system unfortunately that couldn't be removed, so I'm not sure if you'll be able to get pregnant down the road. You might, you might not."
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. He laid a hand on my forehead, which felt comfortingly cool. "What's important right now is you'll get better and be able to live a pretty healthy life. You don't have to hesitate to call me, though I don't expect problems. I wish you the best, and I certainly hope you'll be able to bear children. If I come across anything about it, I'll be sure to let you know."
I nodded, reaching for his hand. "Thank you, Carlisle, for coming and helping me. I appreciate it more than I can say."
He smiled, nodding to Jake as he thanked him as well. "I'm glad I could. And I'll be sure to check on the divorce proceedings."
I smiled weakly, thanking him again, before he left. Jake sat on the edge of the bed, leaning down to kiss me. "Don't despair, Bells. I love you and we'll make this work. There's adoption… and who knows. He didn't say it wouldn't happen for sure."
I nodded, knowing he was right, and tried to hold on to that hope, though I struggled to keep a firm grip on the wavering vision of our little boy and girl.
Chapter 17
*~*~*
AN: Not all hope is lost. :o) I know, it's sad and sucks right now, though! Anyway, hope you enjoyed!
Also, just so you know, I'm leaving for vacation on Saturday for a week. I'm hoping to not be late or at least not too late with the next update, but I wanted to warn you in case I'm a little later than normal. I plan to write some, but I never know how it'll go! Will do my best. :o)
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house/Maybe you'll think of me and smile/You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse/Keep me in your heart for while/Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams/Touch me as I fall into view/When the winter comes keep the fires lit/And I will be right next to you
*~*~*
My stomach was still uneasy as my eyes flickered open. I was lying in bed, covers under my chin, and I was briefly confused why I was in bed during the day. The news I'd received came back in a rush, though. Turning my head, I saw Jake sitting in the armchair in the bedroom, slumped over, his head in his hands.
My mouth didn't want to work, so I stretched my hand out and tried to touch his knee. His head came up and I was met with the worry in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I said, my voice cracking slightly. I cleared it and tried again. "I'll be honest; I admit that I considered for a moment not telling you because it was negative, but I would have Jake. I got overwhelmed, but I'd just found out before I went to the doctor appointment. I didn't want you to feel trapped, but I knew you'd want to know regardless and you deserved that."
He was quiet, examining his hands. "You aren't pregnant?"
"No," I replied softly.
"You're right. I deserved to know one way or the other. I wish you had confided in me first, but I understand."
He reached out and laced his fingers with mine. "We're still learning as we go, right?"
I smiled wearily; grateful he seemed to understand and wasn't freaking out. "We are," I replied. "But… what did you… think?" I asked carefully. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer, but I had to ask. I had to know how he felt about having children. If the venom truly prevented - and I was desperately praying it wouldn't - me from having kids, would that change Jake's mind? I wanted to be able to give him babies one day, but I didn't know how he felt about it.
"I was angry at first," he said with a sigh. "It seemed like you were trying to hide it from me, but I told myself not to think the worst, because I knew deep down that you aren't like that."
He shifted so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He absently played with my hair, looking confused. "I don't want the added responsibility right now. I would have loved that baby with all I had, just as much as I love you, and it wouldn't have made me feel trapped. It just would've made things a little harder, that's all."
I felt the tears leak out and trickle down my temples and disappear into my hair. When he saw me crying, he looked concerned. "Bella, I do want children," he said misunderstanding. "I'd love to have some with you, but not yet. Were you disappointed that you weren't pregnant?" he asked. He looked a little scared at the thought.
"Not really," I managed. "I want them, too, but that's not why I'm crying. I've known for awhile I wanted them with you, but Jake, I went to the doctor and found something out."
He froze, his dark eyes filling with fear. "Bells, I thought you just fainted from being sick. What's wrong, honey? What happened?" His fingers had tightened around mine, and I wanted to hold on to him and never let go. I had to be strong, though.
"There was blockage in my fallopian tube," I whispered. "She said I had some kind of bug, but was a little concerned over some of the symptoms, so she did an ultrasound. She saw the blockage, said it could be removed, but what I realized is it can't be. At least not by her. Jake, it's vampire venom. I guess from…um, sleeping with Edward."
I couldn't bear to look at him as I said that. It wasn't like he didn't know I'd had sex with Edward, but I wasn't comfortable saying it right to his face. My throat ached as I held the tears back.
"How do you know? Is it hurting you? Bella…"
I closed my eyes. "I saw it before when James bit me in Arizona. When the venom was extracted, it was silvery. It looked like what I had seen on the ultrasound and the doctor had even noticed it seemed odd. I don't know the long-term affects; if it's what's been making me ill."
"Venom kills humans," he said his voice thick. "I don't understand. We have to find out…"
"I have to call Carlisle," I said into the silence.
He lay down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. "I know," he murmured. The weariness and worry in his voice tugged at my heart, but we both knew it was something that had to be done. "I won't put your life at risk. Call him."
He rested his hand on my stomach when I picked up the phone. My heart began pounding when the phone began to ring. I was grateful I had Carlisle's cell phone number to call instead of a phone that any one of them could pick up. When I heard his familiar voice, I turned my face to the wall.
"Carlisle, it's me," I said quietly.
"Bella," he said. His surprise was evident. "This is a surprise. Is everything okay?"
"No," I murmured. I began to explain to him what happened while he listened quietly.
When I finished, he gave a small sigh. "Oh, Bella, I'm sorry. I have to be honest. I've never heard of anything like this happening before. I don't know how it has remained inside of you without any irreparable damage. I would have to see you, to examine you myself to see. It's not common knowledge for a human to sleep with a vampire, but I'm willing if you want that."
I blinked away the tears. Out of all of them, Carlisle was the one who almost seemed to get the situation. He worked with humans, had been around the longest, and was the most knowledgeable. And he had been generally kind even after everything.
"Yes, I do. I want to live. I want children one day, Carlisle. If this can be taken care of, I need your help."
When he offered to fly me there, Jake sat up. "No," he said firmly, his voice cold, knowing Carlisle would hear him. "She will not come anywhere near Alaska. I want you to come here to figure out what that bastard did to her; on my land where my pack and I can watch you."
I opened my mouth, not knowing what to say, but Carlisle said, "It's fine. I'll be there as soon as I can, Bella."
After I hung up, neither of us said anything; our fears remained silent. He just lay back again, wrapping his arms around me, and I rested my head on his chest trying to comfort myself with the beat of his heart.
*~*~*
JPOV
Bella remained silent the next couple days. She didn't want to talk about what was going on, and I didn't want to broach it much myself. The fear was eating me alive. She had to be all right. It took too damn long for us to be together for it to come crashing down on us because of a fucking vampire. It irritated me that Edward had his popsicle dick anywhere near Bella; it didn't make this any easier.
Bella didn't seem to be improving any and I was worried about her. I didn't know what to say about it, though. She hadn't said anything to Charlie yet, and I wasn't sure if she planned to. He should know she wasn't feeling well especially in this case, but what the hell do you tell him? I knew I wouldn't be able to reassure him when I was scared to death myself that something worse would happen. It felt like there was a ticking time bomb looming over us, and I was afraid to leave her alone.
She came into the kitchen, looking tired. "I'm really thirsty," she said. "Did we remember to get more ginger ale?"
I got her one out of the case, poured it and added ice, and passed it over.
She smiled at me, taking a sip. With a sigh, she sat at the table, resting her forehead on it. I rubbed her back and she gave a small moan. "My back has been really sore," she admitted.
I took her hand, helping her up. "Well, then, come on," I said. "You should have told me. I'll give you a massage right now."
She started to say I didn't have to, so I just gave her a look and ordered her to lie down. When I started working on her back, I could feel the knots, and it bothered me to hear the little sounds of pain she made until it began to feel good. She had fallen asleep by the time I finished, so I covered her, and resumed my pacing again. When the phone rang, I nearly jumped. It was only Embry, though.
"Hey, man," he said. "Is everything okay? I know we haven't phased in a long time, but Quil and I both felt something was off the other day and knew it had to do with you. Plus, Leah has been uncharacteristically quiet lately."
Apparently, a pack brother will always be a pack brother. Or sister.
"Not really," I admitted. "It's a long story, but one I'm going to have to share with you, Quil, and the rest of the pack. We've been trying to cope here, but… well… things aren't that great right now."
"Are you okay? Is Bella?" He sounded officially worried now.
"I'm fine, and Bella is so far, but there are some concerns. We're attempting to get it taken care of. It would be easier to describe all this in person, though."
"Well, Emily has been talking about having all of us - including you and Bella of course - at the house for breakfast on Saturday. Would that work?"
I figured that'd probably be fine. Bella needed to get back to Forks to talk to Charlie anyway.
"Okay, well tell Bella to take it easy. Let us know if you need anything."
The next couple days, Bella dragged herself in to work, though her supervisor took pity on her and let her work from home some of the time. She tried to keep busy with doing some editing and working on an article she was given to write. I tried to keep my hours the same as hers, so I could get home when she did. Her face continued to look pale, she'd get sick, and she napped a lot. When Saturday came around, we piled into the car and drove back to Forks.
When we got to Emily's, Bella opened her door, and stumbled out. "Bells," I said urgently, racing around the car. Carefully, I helped her up, but her breathing was a little choppy and she seemed weaker. She was struggling not to cry, but sniffled a little.
Gently, I picked her up, leaning my forehead against hers. Carlisle had called earlier; he'd be here tonight and as much as I hated the idea of him coming here, I was glad Bella was going to be looked at. This had to stop; my stomach was tied in knots, and I felt like I was about to be sick as well.
Quil and Embry came to the door, their brows knitted in concern, their frowns deepening when they saw me carrying Bella. Opening the door, everyone backed up, while I got Bella settled on the couch. Emily came into the room, her gentle face wreathed in concern.
"Oh, Bella," she said quietly. "Can I get you something? Tea, maybe?"
When Bella nodded, she hurried off to get some while everyone filed into the room. "What's going on?" Sam asked, looking serious. "What happened?"
I let Bella explain after Emily gave her some tea and fruit while everyone else piled on the eggs, bacon and toast. She said that she hadn't been feeling right; she even admitted to thinking she was pregnant, but told them when she found out she wasn't, she went to the doctor to see what was going on. She began explaining what she knew of vampire venom and that she knew that's what the blockage was.
I finally said, "She had to call the leader of the Cullen's, the doctor. He's the one who reset my bones after the newborn fight. He's coming here tonight; we just found out this morning."
An eruption of noise occurred, but I held up my hand. "I don't like it either. In fact, I detest the idea, but he's the only one that might be able to do something."
"Can't Sue do an x-ray and see if there's something to be done?"
"You aren't going to their territory to have this taken care of?"
"We want Bella to be taken care of, but we need to think of…"
Sam interrupted them before I could. "Everyone, relax. It's not an ideal situation, but you can vouch that he wouldn't hurt anyone, right Bella? I mean, he seemed okay when he was here before…"
"He wouldn't hurt anyone," Bella assured him.
"No one has phased and Quil told me there was a run-in or two with a vampire, so I figured if he came and we knew he wouldn't hurt anyone, that we'd be okay. I need all of you here, if you can spare it. Bella needs this."
Embry laid a hand briefly on Bella's shoulder. "We'll be here." She reached up and squeezed his hand.
They continued to discuss where the best place to do this was. I kept an eye on Bella as they talked. She looked tired, very pale, and unbearably sad. Sucking in a deep breath, I tried to let go of the helplessness I felt. I couldn't make her better.
"Jake," she whispered suddenly, panicked. I jumped up, instinctively knowing. I got her to the bathroom in time for her to be sick. She knelt on the floor as I pulled her hair aside until she sat back. She leaned her forehead against the cool tile wall, and I rubbed her back.
Leah was outside the door, pacing. When she opened it, our eyes met. Leah was a conflicting mess of emotions, but she obviously had come to really care about Bella. She needed to see she was okay, but didn't say anything. It was time to take Bella to Charlie's, so we said good bye to everyone, and I felt their worry weighing down on my shoulders.
Charlie was on his way home, so I got Bella settled on the couch, knowing they needed some time alone together. I smoothed her hair as she lay back, watching her closely. "Call me if you need me," I told her. "I'll come get you when it's time, too. I'm just going to visit with Billy while you stay here."
She nodded, and I made myself move away, wishing for nothing more than to be permanently by her side.
*~*~*
BPOV
Charlie sat on the armchair, his lightly lined face grave. It was an expression I was all too familiar with; one that I had put on his face to begin with and now I was doing it again.
Finally, he said, "What's going to happen tonight? Will he be able to fix whatever's wrong?"
I rolled to my side, the dull ache persisting in my stomach. Wincing, I laid a hand over my stomach. "He's going to see what he can do by extracting what's in there. It seems to be what's making me sick, and I really hope he can."
Charlie leaned his head back. "I don't understand why you need Carlisle Cullen to do this. Why not just go to the hospital?"
I bit my lip. "It's a little more… complicated."
Charlie turned his eyes boring into mine. "I haven't forgotten, Bella. I want you to tell me what the hell really happened and soon."
I nodded wearily, resigned to having to try and explain this to him. It wasn't going to be easy, but he hadn't pushed me into telling him. He was being patient and especially now with what's going on, it didn't seem right to keep it from him. I explained as best as I could about my stomach; telling him it was something foreign in my system.
We talked about other things, trying to remain normal. He made me lunch which was a first, and I managed to keep it down. After awhile, I felt the urge to go out to the cliffs and watch the sunset. I had to plead a little bit with Charlie to take me there, but he finally gave in, ordering me to keep my phone on and to answer it. I also had to tell Jake where I was. I promised I would obey the orders, so I called Jake as he drove me out to the cliffs. He made me promise to call him immediately if I needed it, and I had to answer if he decided to call and check up on me.
Finally, Charlie helped me to the cliffs and got me seated with my back against a tree. I curled my legs under me, smiling up at him. "I'm okay, dad. I just want to sit here and relax a little while. I love you."
He looked a little shaken; like I had said it in case something went wrong. I didn't feel that way, though. I just wanted him to know.
"I love you, too," he finally said, hesitantly laying his hand on the top of my head. "Call me if you need me, but I'll be there tonight. Don't even try to talk me out of it."
I nodded and after he left me there, I leaned back and closed my eyes.
So lost. I'd been so lost for so long. The snow was still falling, and I longed for wet, green forests. I longed for a love that would last a normal lifetime. I longed for so much I didn't have because of choices I had made. The Cullen's drifted by, busy yet not so busy, not understanding my boredom; their lifetimes were infinite.
The boy and girl I had seen holding hands in my vision drifted by, taunting me, showing me what I wanted. But when I tried to catch them, they disappeared, and I was surrounded by white snow, silence, and pale skin and golden eyes.
I opened my eyes and felt a tear slide down my cheek. I was pretty sure Carlisle could help me, but not sure if he could reverse the possible damage to something inside me that would stop me from having children. My chest and stomach began to ache again, and I took a deep breath, watching the sun begin to sink over the ocean.
"Hey," I heard someone say behind me. I jumped, but relaxed when I saw it was Leah.
"Hey," I replied. I waved a hand and she sat next to me.
She didn't say anything else, and suddenly, having someone there who didn't feel the need to talk was overwhelming. The tears began to fall a little faster, so she draped an arm over my shoulders. I turned my face into her and cried, knowing that despite all the teasing, occasional blunt comments, and harassing me over Jake, that Leah cared about me. That was enough.
"I understand," she said simply. I didn't get it at first, but she clued me in when she told me she'd stopped menstruating when she was phasing. "I was frozen for the most part. I was a strong wolf, but apparently I wasn't strong enough because I was unable to conceive due to that. There's still a part of me that thinks that's why Sam imprinted on Emily."
I leaned back, seeing the sadness but also seeing that she'd accepted that. "I… had no idea…" I murmured. How was that fair?
She shrugged. "It sucked, but I went through yoga and meditation to help some of my anger; to keep it in control. When I stopped phasing, it came back, though it's been off and on. I'm still not positive if I can, but I have to wait and see. My mom seems to think it'll happen, but hey. I just thought I'd let you know that."
I wiped the back of my hand across my cheeks. "I'm sorry, Leah. It seems you've come to terms with this, but I hope it does happen for you. It bothers me because I'm the one that made the wrong choice. Do I deserve this for being so stupid? You certainly don't. You had no choice."
She trailed her fingers across the loose pebbles, looking out over the sea. "I don't think you do. So many people make mistakes, but try to rectify them and they have happy lives. I don't know what the outcome will be, but you aren't a bad person, Bella. You've come a long way."
I smiled a little. "Thank you. Jake's been amazing about all of this so far, but we haven't discussed everything yet. I feel so helpless, because he had admitted before he knew that he wanted children one day. It makes me feel like shit. I want to give him that."
"You can't think about the what-if's. Take it one step a time. And believe me, if anyone can break through vampire venom, it'd be Jake. He probably has mega-strong sperm."
It took me by surprise, but I laughed so hard and it felt damn good. Leah was smirking at me. "Come on, let's go," she said. I texted Jake back after his check on me to let him know I was with Leah and we were on our way.
The bed was ready; my makeshift gurney and it was as sterilized as possible. Carlisle came shortly after, and he gave me a small, reassuring smile. "How are you?" he asked quietly.
"Other than this, I'm good," I said honestly. "Being with Jake is what I really wanted. I love him. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I had to do what's right for me."
He nodded, one of the few vampires that understood, even if Edward was his son. He told me he was glad I found what I wanted and then told me to relax and slowly put me under. The last thing I saw was Jake's face at the door; Charlie, Billy, and the pack not far behind him.
When I woke, my stomach still ached, but it felt a little less painful. Jake was on one side of me, his hand holding mine, Carlisle on the other. Carlisle smiled down at me, but I could see the look in his eyes.
"It wasn't successful, was it?" I asked. I squeezed Jake's hand harder.
"It's not that," Carlisle said. "I managed to remove most of it. I don't understand why the venom didn't kill you. It hasn't been heard of, but you were always pretty remarkable, Bella. It was starting to hurt you, causing these symptoms, but they'll ease and be gone soon. There's still some in your system unfortunately that couldn't be removed, so I'm not sure if you'll be able to get pregnant down the road. You might, you might not."
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. He laid a hand on my forehead, which felt comfortingly cool. "What's important right now is you'll get better and be able to live a pretty healthy life. You don't have to hesitate to call me, though I don't expect problems. I wish you the best, and I certainly hope you'll be able to bear children. If I come across anything about it, I'll be sure to let you know."
I nodded, reaching for his hand. "Thank you, Carlisle, for coming and helping me. I appreciate it more than I can say."
He smiled, nodding to Jake as he thanked him as well. "I'm glad I could. And I'll be sure to check on the divorce proceedings."
I smiled weakly, thanking him again, before he left. Jake sat on the edge of the bed, leaning down to kiss me. "Don't despair, Bells. I love you and we'll make this work. There's adoption… and who knows. He didn't say it wouldn't happen for sure."
I nodded, knowing he was right, and tried to hold on to that hope, though I struggled to keep a firm grip on the wavering vision of our little boy and girl.
Chapter 17
*~*~*
AN: Not all hope is lost. :o) I know, it's sad and sucks right now, though! Anyway, hope you enjoyed!
Also, just so you know, I'm leaving for vacation on Saturday for a week. I'm hoping to not be late or at least not too late with the next update, but I wanted to warn you in case I'm a little later than normal. I plan to write some, but I never know how it'll go! Will do my best. :o)